blessed journal

[Blessed2]

Day 9.

 

2 x 25 minutes done.

 

Walk done.

 

Forgot workout.

 

No drinking.

 

 

I've been having lots of thoughts that I no longer like this forum, the suggestions and advice that's shared here.

 

What really "grinds my gears" is the talk about suppression, aversion and listening to emotional guidance.

 

It's like: "hey, you have things you want, you want change, you want to do better, you want better life etc. You gotta stop suppressing and averting from emotions and listen to their guidance to get what you want."

 

I've been trying that, but I just don't seem to be able to do it.

 

Like a pie in the sky. I never really get it.

 

My life isn't what I'd like it to be. I constantly fail to meet my goals. I can't manifest even little things, like just a little surprise from the universe or anything. Not even a little bit of magic.

 

So I want to just give up.

 

I don't like it at all when stuff like listening to the guidance, aligning thought with feeling etc. is talked about. It never works. Like most things in life. Things just are not working out. Life in general is like a very rusty, old, dysfunctional motor which never quite functions smoothly, and is not trustworthy. Life is not like a well-oiled trusty motor that just runs.

 

Every time I try to push the gas pedal, do anything with it, go anywhere with the car, it always fails.

 

That's how it is. That's how life always is.

 

Esther Hicks etc. They tell how I'm the creator and how it works. Sure, maybe if you're super aligned you can attract stuff you want. But the kicker is to get aligned, and that has never happened. Never. And there is no advice as to how to get aligned. Actually there is, but that advice doesn't work.

 

"Just be aligned! Here's how to do it:"

 

And then the advice doesn't work. No matter how hard you try, alignment doesn't come.

 

So lots of hatred, anger, discouragement and blame. Sometimes I think whether the whole thing is actually just a scam.

 

I wish I had never heard about LoA or the emotional scale. So far it has only ever been a source of horrible suffering. Just one more unattainable goal.

 

Yeah yeah I know, "it" is not a source of suffering, sUfFeRiNg Is Of DiScOrDaNt ThOuGhTs 🤡

 

Edited March 18 by Blessed2

[Blessed2]

Yeah, yeah I'm on board with it. I read the AoB blog a bit and it does make sense.

 

I'm just so tired of all the work.

 

It seems like there's a long way from where I'm at emotionally (separate self speaking) to where I want to be. What I'd like for life to be like.

 

When will all this discord no longer arise? I don't want to wait.

 

There's sooo much stuff wrong in my life and to get where I want to be, there a lot that has to be healed and fixed. Or thoughts/beliefs to let go.

 

The neo-advaitans say that there's only one thought at a time. Okay let's see.

 

The discord I'm expressing here has to do with thoughts time and a separate self in time (who has beliefs and stuff to heal and let go).

 

The one thought is that I'm this separate self, or character and that character has lots of discordant beliefs he's holding onto, and that it would take a lot of time to let them all go, and that it's hard to let them go, it's in doubt whether he'll succeed in letting them go.

 

That I'm on a healing journey. A letting go journey. And that I might be right in the beginning and there's a long way to go, or in the middle and there's still a long way to go, or maybe, hopefully, towards the end and soon it's all done and finally there will be peace and I'll have what I want.

 

That thought is appearing and is believed now.

 

Yet it's just a thought. So they say.

 

Another neo-advaitist Paul would probably say that I'm not that character. That it is a pre-assumed nonexistent thing, assumed to be an existent thing, seeking salvation for the nonexistent thing.

 

I would say it's crap goggles, or Acute Misapprehension Syndrome, and it's projecting a nonexistent past and a future, and a nonexistent haver of the goggles/the syndrome.

 

And the emotional guidance is saying the same thing. Powerlessness, despair, discouragement, worry, doubt, overwhelment, frustration, pessimism.

 

[Mandy]

Neo-advaitans are a thought. 😉 

[Blessed2]

32 minutes ago, Mandy said:

Neo-advaitans are a thought. 😉 

 

According to you!!

[Mandy]

@Blessed2 Nope. 

[Blessed2]

20 minutes ago, Mandy said:

@Blessed2 Nope. 

 

😁😁

[Blessed2]

Day 10.

 

2 x 25 minutes done.

 

Workout done.

 

Walk done.

 

No drinking.

 

[Blessed2]

Day 11.

 

2 x 25 minutes done.

 

Workout done.

 

Walk done. Over 10 kilometers!

 

No drinking.

 

 

[Blessed2]

My thoughts and interpretations of what's shared on AoB (such as LoA, alignment, suppression/aversion of emotions, expression, meditation etc) have felt very, very off because those ideas and suggestions are interpreted as such that the attention turns to what I don't have, what I'm doing wrong, how I should be or do differently, what is wrong or broken or unsuccessful about me.

 

LoA, the scale, alignment, emptying, non-aversion/suppression... It's been like when a carrot is held on a stick in front of a horse and the horse tries to walk to eat the carrot but the carrot always remains out of reach.

 

Lately I've been listening a lot to Paul Hedderman and of his talks and what he shares, the attention isn't going toward what's wrong about me or my life. So it has been feeling a lot better.

 

Blame has been felt, toward this forum and what's shared and suggested here.

 

It has been seeming like almost everything I read on this forum or AoB website is saying that something is wrong about me, I'm doing something wrong and should be doing something differently.

 

And when I try to do differently, it's like the horse with the carrot.

 

So lots of rage and anger and discouragement too.

 

I partake Paul's zoom call last night and he said that he's happy when people are frustrated on his meetings... And it's scary when people are happy and comfortable.

 

That brought in mind how I've been feeling about AoB.

 

Maybe it's just that nonsense coming on surface, dunno. But the thought that AoB really is bullshit is kind of tempting. I'd kind of like to go on a full on meltdown rant. 😂

 

Edited March 21 by Blessed2

[Reborn2]

11 hours ago, Reena said:

 

 

The way this guy is eating, he's not going to live for very long

[Blessed2]

Forgot to journal yesterday. Day 12.

 

2 x 25 minutes done.

 

Forgot workout.

 

Didn't have time for the walk.

 

No drinking.

 

 

The challenge hasn't been feeling good.

 

I'm so frustrated with everything. Everything. Peaks of hopelessness and despair and fear are happening every now and then.

 

I've tried self-inquiry a couple of times. Why? Because I want to be done with it already. I don't want to meditate and suffer through for years.

 

The feeling of being me is very elusive. It comes and lasts maybe a second and then it goes. Crazy despair and powerlessness rises when I try to find it and keep it. Thought loops and despair just builds.

 

I've been trying lots of different techniques, trying to find one to stick with. Fucking chaos. It started at the beginning of this challenge. The 25 minutes is tripping me up. It feels agonizingly long. Every day, almost constantly I think of lowering it back to 20 minutes or quitting meditation altogether. Yet there is a feeling of guilt and worthlessness and fear about that. If I quit, if I give up, I might not get the happiness I want. I might fail in getting it if I stop meditating or if I don't do it correctly.

 

It might partly be because of lowering the dose of antidepressants... The peaks of despair and powerlessness. Thoughts appear that I'll have to meditate for years to get happiness/awaken, that I'm not utilizing the suggested methods enough, that there is so much beliefs and thought-attachment that it would take years of agonizing work and effort and journaling to get rid of it all.

 

 

Even if I get through this purge that has been going on lately, so what? There's so much un-enlightened nonsense in me that I will be the same miserable me even if I get through these days/weeks. Nothing will change. Maybe I'll feel a little bit better when it returns to normal, but the same shit of not cleaning my house, eating shitty food, using nicotine, overspending, failing miserably in basic responsibilities will continue like before. A miracle would have to happen in order for me to change so that those things would change.

 

[Joseph Maynor]

On 3/18/2024 at 2:54 PM, Blessed2 said:

Day 9.

 

2 x 25 minutes done.

 

Walk done.

 

Forgot workout.

 

No drinking.

 

 

I've been having lots of thoughts that I no longer like this forum, the suggestions and advice that's shared here.

 

What really "grinds my gears" is the talk about suppression, aversion and listening to emotional guidance.

 

It's like: "hey, you have things you want, you want change, you want to do better, you want better life etc. You gotta stop suppressing and averting from emotions and listen to their guidance to get what you want."

 

I've been trying that, but I just don't seem to be able to do it.

 

Like a pie in the sky. I never really get it.

 

My life isn't what I'd like it to be. I constantly fail to meet my goals. I can't manifest even little things, like just a little surprise from the universe or anything. Not even a little bit of magic.

 

So I want to just give up.

 

I don't like it at all when stuff like listening to the guidance, aligning thought with feeling etc. is talked about. It never works. Like most things in life. Things just are not working out. Life in general is like a very rusty, old, dysfunctional motor which never quite functions smoothly, and is not trustworthy. Life is not like a well-oiled trusty motor that just runs.

 

Every time I try to push the gas pedal, do anything with it, go anywhere with the car, it always fails.

 

That's how it is. That's how life always is.

 

Esther Hicks etc. They tell how I'm the creator and how it works. Sure, maybe if you're super aligned you can attract stuff you want. But the kicker is to get aligned, and that has never happened. Never. And there is no advice as to how to get aligned. Actually there is, but that advice doesn't work.

 

"Just be aligned! Here's how to do it:"

 

And then the advice doesn't work. No matter how hard you try, alignment doesn't come.

 

So lots of hatred, anger, discouragement and blame. Sometimes I think whether the whole thing is actually just a scam.

 

I wish I had never heard about LoA or the emotional scale. So far it has only ever been a source of horrible suffering. Just one more unattainable goal.

 

Yeah yeah I know, "it" is not a source of suffering, sUfFeRiNg Is Of DiScOrDaNt ThOuGhTs 🤡

 

Sporituality is just nonsense on some level.

[Jonas Long]

2 minutes ago, Joseph Maynor said:

Sporituality is just nonsense on some level.

You're onto something.  Everything you've said spirituality or "sporituality" is, is total bullshit, yes.  That's the misunderstanding of spirituality though. 

[Joseph Maynor]

1 minute ago, Jonas Long said:

You're onto something.  Everything you've said spirituality or "sporituality" is, is total bullshit, yes.  That's the misunderstanding of spirituality though. 

I said nonsense on some level.  On some level it’s also the most valuable.  What I’m trying to point out is let it raise you and don’t let it hang you up..  it’s not that serious.  

[Jonas Long]

2 minutes ago, Joseph Maynor said:

I said nonsense on some level.  On some level it’s also the most valuable.  What I’m trying to point out is let it raise you and don’t let it hang you up..  it’s not that serious.  

Yeah, you're not ready yet.  You keep circling it, projecting the misunderstanding. 

[Blessed2]

At some point I had a thought thay for this person, "me", there might not really be such thing as happiness. Cause it's always in doubt. Happiness is always followed with a shadow of fear.

 

There may be peaceful moments, but they seem to be shadowed with a doubt or worry or fear or agitation that in the future there may not be peace anymore.

 

Or even when it or "I" gets what it wants, it comes with a shadow of fear or worry or stress that I might lose what I got. And to get what it wants in order to be happy is also always in doubt.

 

And for the person, happiness seems to always be in the future. It's never here, readily available. It's like "readily available happiness" just doesn't compute for the logic of the separate self person. It's like Error 404.

 

There is even such a thing as fear of too much happiness! What if I become so happy that something bad happens?

 

Isn't that fucking insane? Isn't that a perfect example of how there literally just is no such thing as happiness for the separate self? Fear that something bad might happen if there was too much happiness.

 

Almost all my time goes on in this search and striving for happiness. Maybe all time actually. It's either seeking happiness, or avoiding uncomfortable emotions. Aaalllll the time. Just constant strain and stress.

 

Maybe it's better to just give up the search for happiness for the person.

 

There might be another possibility.

 

Maybe the whole shebang could just be laid in the hands of something of way greater wisdom and intelligence than whatever the fuck this shitty system has been trying to do.

 

[Blessed2]

It's kind of delightful how other users are having random conversations in my journal lately. It's not like any of the thoughts here are mine and others are not.

 

Welcome!!

 

[Blessed2]

It is said that non-duality / buddhahood points to something that doesn't come and go.

 

What I've been thinking enlightenment is, is like a realization that will happen in the future at some point. It is not present now, and would be present in the future.

 

Therefore what I've been thinking enlightenment is, is not non-duality or buddhahood, or enlightenment.

 

It cannot be a knowing, an insight, a realization, a noticing, because all those would be something that would happen in time, would be not present and then present.

 

Then non-duality / buddhahood / enlightenment must be looked for in what's already "here".

 

But there is suffering. There is dissatisfaction, restlessness, agitation. If buddhahood is to be looked for in what's already "here", and it is not something that's first not present and then present, is not something that is first not known and then known, how could it be the end of dissatisfaction? How could an end to the suffering happen?

 

Some insufferable wise guy would probably say something like "buddhahood is feeling". 😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡

 

Thx, I'm still suffering 😡😡😡😡😡

 

"Feeling is guidance for thoughts"

 

god fucking damnit.

 

Then I want thoughts to change but they're not changing.

 

Carrot and a horse.

 

Can it PLEASE just not be that? Can it please be so that I can just rest and not do some god damn emotional work such as expression, "feeling it fully & not suppressing" and meditation or whatever?

 

I don't want that. I don't want reality to be like that. Like a fucking workplace of emotions and letting go or something.

 

"This stands to be let go"

 

GET OUT OF HERE before I rip your god damn face off

 

 

Edited March 22 by Blessed2

[Mandy]

@Blessed2  What's funny is that all "work" reeeally refers to is discordant emotions. I love cleaning toilets when I'm feeling passionate or hopeful. But when I'm feeling pessimism or doubt, that's also how I feel about cleaning the toilet. 

[Blessed2]

8 hours ago, Mandy said:

@Blessed2  What's funny is that all "work" reeeally refers to is discordant emotions. I love cleaning toilets when I'm feeling passionate or hopeful. But when I'm feeling pessimism or doubt, that's also how I feel about cleaning the toilet. 

 

True 🤔🤔