blessed journal

[Reena]

Just now, Blessed2 said:

 

I thought of the same thing, but that would be kind of a hassle.

 

It's worth it if you can get free therapy. The free therapy might do wonders to help you, just my hunch. 

[Phil]

6 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:

 

That's what I tried to do, but the doctor didn't take me cause I had quit pills and wasn't interested in continuing or changing medication.

 

What would you be seeing the doctor for?

The episodes from quitting the pills cold turkey?

Did the doctor suggest to do that?

[Blessed2]

1 minute ago, Phil said:

What would you be seeing the doctor for?

 

Basically, mainly for bureucratic reasons. To get the note for therapy is one of the main things I want.

 

10 minutes ago, Phil said:

The episodes from quitting the pills cold turkey?

 

This is what the other professionals I met first suggested. Because of the psychotic episode in the past, they said it's essential and acute that I see a psychiatrist asap. But the doctor seems to disagree on that.

 

12 minutes ago, Phil said:

Did the doctor suggest to do that?

 

I don't have any doctor to suggest anything. 😂 I got the prescription over 2 years ago, and since I've moved to a new city and I'm not in contact to a doctor here.

 

[Phil]

@Blessed2

Call one. No?

[Blessed2]

3 minutes ago, Phil said:

Call one. No?

 

I already did. There is a spesific hospital I have to call to which is determined by where I live. I can't be a client to other hospitals.

 

I will probably call them again soon. They probably just didn't get the full picture. 

 

[Blessed2]

Yesterday I learned that I have a huge red birth mark on the back of my neck.

 

I always thought I didn't have any birthmarks. I kind of just tought of myself as a person who doesn't have birth marks.

 

But apparently I do, and I've been walking around with a huge red mark in my neck, and everyone else has seen it, but I've been ignorant of it all these years. I wonder what that symbolizes.

 

[Blessed2]

"Always remain open to grace."

 

Basically, a new, better feeling thought can appear any time. A thought that changes everything. A new idea. A new possibility.

 

In fact, if you only remember this, that new thought has already come.

 

Edited May 2 by Blessed2

[Blessed2]

Day 10.

 

2 x 30 monutes done.

 

Walk done

 

Gym done

 

No drinking.

 

[Blessed2]

I haven't been doing so great lately.

 

I've been meditating every day though, I just haven't been wanting to journal it here or really even visit the forum.

 

Every word and line I write right now here feels indescribably painful. I'm having probably one of the worst crap goggles there is on right now.

 

I've been having them on every day for some time now. I think it started from quitting the pills.

 

It's like there is a knot in the core of my being, and every way I try to open it, it gets tighter. It's like this knot has been there for as long as I remember. And I just can't open it whatever I try.

 

Every day there is at least one, often multiple moments when I experience intense suicidal ideation. I try to not take those thoughts seriously and to understand that this will pass and is probably withdrawal from the pills. I know what the forum guidelines say about this but I just wanted to share openly what's going on.

 

That's despair.

 

Along with despair there is also rage.

 

I'm enraged with everything and everyone. It's like no-one can escape my rage and hatred. It's like I direct it toward anyone I can. In some moments I experience flashes of violent imaginings. Sometimes I just hate the entire world so much I want to claw my own eyes out.

 

A lot of it is directed toward this forum and I've been wanting to get out and never come back. I blame this place for being spiritual abuse, lies, deceit, dishonesty etc.

 

Acknowledgement of emotions, the scale, feeling fully, etc etc all just make the knot tighter. Even mentioning this feels like I'm stabbing myself.

 

I don't even want for that stuff to be true. I don't want that this forum, Phil, Mandy, be right about it. I don't want to ever come back here and go through this again.

 

Scale, LoA and the dreamboard is just a reminder of what I do not have, and what I can't have. Or what I should be doing, but can't. What I will not succeed in. How powerless I am. I think that's all they even can be.

 

I think it's all your fault for giving shitty, even dishonest and purposefully hurtful advice or spiritual teachings.

 

Especially loa is very shitty and maybe even ill-intentioned advice.

 

The basic idea is that you want something, like let's say a new car. And then you could have it by feeling good as if you'd already have it.

 

But the very reason anyone would want to have a new car would be because it's believed that the new car is the source, or the only way to feel good.

 

So the point to manifest the car you want by feeling good is just ridiculous. That advice is stupid as shit. You can't at the same time focus on what you don't have and feel as if you do.

 

The whole idea that the world or reality is to manifest stuff you want is stupid. That the point of life is to create things and stuff you want. That feels super shitty. I find ACIM way more reasonable.

 

Basically everything on this forum and aob is just a daily reminder of my failures. Every single emotion that doesn't feel great becomes an acute reminder of what I've been doing wrong, what I should (but can't) do, how it's all my fault, how I'm not good enough, how what I want is not coming, how I should fix myself, what I should quit.

 

It's like I should be some kind of monk who meditates every second of his existence and never suppress, never seek any relief from anything, always only face all uncomfortable feelings however bad it feels without running away. And if I don't be like that, it's all my fault, I'm just weak or arrogant or I just don't want happiness enough and I'm doomed to suffer.

 

And because I can't be like that, and because it would take years to finally stop suppressing and start feeling good, to finally not run away from feelings, all I can see in the future is years of this shit. Years of perhaps little moments of better feeling but most of it intense emotional vomiting and bad times, attempting that maybe if I'd just 'end it all' could make an end to it, starts to sound like a better idea.