blessed journal

[Blessed2]

6 hours ago, Mandy said:

I like it. I'm thinking like jalapeño pancakes with maple syrup and hot sauce. 

 

Hope you feel better soon. Drink a ton of fluids, lemon water, herbal tea, cut out or cut back on salt and caffeine, more fruits less fats, REST. 

 

🙏❤️

 

 

[Blessed2]

Day 36.

 

2 x 25 minutes done.

 

Still sick.

 

No drinking.

 

 

[Blessed2]

I just meditated and lots of uncomfortable emotions are coming up.

 

I am experiencing the emotions powerlessness and despair.

 

I am experiencing the emotions guilt and unworthiness.

 

I am experiencing the emotions hatred, rage and anger.

 

I am experiencing the emotion discouragement.

 

[Blessed2]

Day 37.

 

2 x 25 minutes done.

 

Still sick. Resting.

 

I wonder what this flu is about. Why it came at this time.

 

Again, a lot of disordant thoughts about meditation. The mind just cannot be silenced. That's just another thought. Resentment toward all spiritual teachers who say that I should meditate. It's impossible to silence the mind. Why do you share this shitty advice. It would be better if I had never heard of meditation. Now it's just another condition / requirement of happiness to meet. Because I believe what you say.

 

Thought loops. It fucking sucks.

 

But I can't take pause or quit the practice either cause what if that would be a failure, just weakness, laziness?

 

I am experiencing the emotions powerlessness and despair.

 

I am experiencing the emotions guilt, unworthiness, insecurity.

 

I am experiencing the emotion jealousy.

 

I am experiencing the emotions hatred and rage.

 

I am experiencing the emotions anger and revenge.

 

I am experiencing the emotion discouragement.

 

I am experiencing the emotion blame.

 

I am experiencing the emotion worry.

 

I am experiencing the emotion doubt.

 

I am experiencing the emotion disappointment.

 

I am experiencing the emotion overwhelment.

 

I am experiencing the emotions irritation and impatience.

 

I am experiencing the emotion pessimism.

 

I am experiencing the emotion boredom.

 

I am experiencing the emotion contentment.

 

I am experiencing the emotion hopefulness.

 

I am experiencing the emotion optimism.

 

I am experiencing the emotion enthusiasm.

 

I am experiencing the emotion passion.

 

I am experiencing the emotion joy.

 

 

[Blessed2]

Stop seeking

 

Stop waiting

 

Start expressing

[Blessed2]

Day 38.

 

2 x 25 minutes done.

 

Getting better but still resting. Had a little walk outside though.

 

No drinking.

 

Meditation was nice.

 

❤️

 

I'm planning on starting a gym membership soon. Probably next week. I want to get active.

 

 

[Blessed2]

The Seed is your dream.

 

The Good Soil is rest, diet, exercise, daily meditation and expression/opening up, and accepting help.

 

The Bedrock on which the Good Soil sits on is the recognition you can't (and are not supposed to) do it by yourself, by your own power.

 

[Blessed2]

I just woke up and pretty much the first thought that came in mind was discordant.

 

Basically, every morning I wake up into a day where I need to constantly keep watch and meet specific conditions.

 

Like for example, nicotine. I have to take nicotine. If I don't, I feel miserable, I completely break down. If I didn't get it, I couldn't sleep, I'd get panic attacks, I'd feel immense rage. I wonder if I would get through that alive. Truly. I would probably experience such intense suicidal ideation.

 

Not only nicotine. I also have to take medications, because if I don't, I'd get such intense withdrawal that I would break down from that too.

 

I need to constantly be on a look-out, constantly keep watch.

 

And I feel stuck. Like there is no way out of this.

 

I am experiencing the emotions powerlessness and despair.

 

If I spend something like even 3-6 hours without nicotine, I start to experience really intense craving, and it's like my mind, brain and nervous system goes into a weird, foggy state. It's almost like feeling drunk. It even affects my sense of balance.

 

There is just so much addictions & compulsions and suppression. Social media, nicotine, food, alcohol, antidepressants, caffeine, sexual pleasure, shopping.

 

How could I get rid of all that?!

 

I bash myself about all of them... I should quit. But it's just so uncomfortable.

 

 

I wonder what would happen if I'd try to spend an entire day without doing any of that. Basically, just sit without any distractions, without doing anything (except exercise) and only eat the loophole shake or other vegetable food.

 

[Blessed2]

Day 39.

 

2 x 25 minutes done.

 

Not really sick anymore, but still resting.

 

No drinking.

 

 

 

[Blessed2]

The past couple of days there has been something new happening.

 

There has been lots of anger / rage moments. Small things my girlfriend says might make me angry for example. She has noticed this change too. I wonder what it is. Maybe quitting the antidepressants? Maybe meditation?

 

Another thing is that this weird ambition is bubbling up. Seeing successful people talk about their achievements bubbles up an ambition in myself. "I want that too." Sort of a fire under my butt. "I got this one life and I want to get what I want."

 

The question of bravery and fighting for it vs. running and hiding from dreams and ambitions seems to be getting prominent.

 

Kind of Stage Orange sort of thing.

 

 

Hmm. I also notice some remorse about wasting so much time. And that I half-assed my high school studies. I coulda been a doctor or something, if I had put in the work then.

 

There's also doubt. What if I want to be a doctor (for example)? Could I actually do it, could I learn enough to pass the exams to such school if I tried?

 

Edited April 16 by Blessed2

[Blessed2]

Day 40.

 

2 x 25 minutes done.

 

Still resting. Better safe than sorry. Tomorrow will continue with the exercise.

 

No drinking.

 

 

Getting close to the end of the challenge. Only 5 days left.

 

Even though it will fucking suck, the next challenge is going to be 2 x 30 minutes.

 

The goal is 2 x 60 minutes in 2025.

 

 

Edited April 17 by Blessed2

[Blessed2]

There's a strong craving to drink today / right now. I'm pretty sure I can't fight it off and that I will drink.

 

It's just that today seems to be so pointless. There is nothinhg fun to do. There is nothing to enjoy.

 

I'd like to watch a movie and eat a good meal or something, but tha thought of doing that feels like pessimism if there is no alcohol. It's just boring to watch a movie. It's like I need dopamine or pleasure.

 

I really wouldn't want a hangover or waking up in the middle of the night with anxiety and the sweats though. But the craving to have some pleasure now, to not feel this pessimism and boredom is so strong that I'm still planning to drink.

 

The good news is that I'll be seeing a therapist next week and I will bring this up there. I want to take steps to end this.

 

But today... I don't know what to do. I'm alone, there is nowhere to go to stay away from drinking.

 

There would be a Paul Hedderman talk later today but... This urge is just so strong. The thought of not drinking feels so horrible that I'm not really even considering keeping sober today.

 

At least I'm journaling I guess. And I meditated.

 

It's hard to pinpoint what emotion it is that I'm experiencing. Pessimism?

 

Worry might be closer.

 

Anger. I am experiencing the emotion anger.

 

I am experiencing the emotion discouragement.

 

I am experiencing the emotion blame.

 

I am experiencing the emotion worry.

 

I am experiencing the emotion doubt.

 

I am experiencing the emotion disappointment.

 

I am experiencing the emotion overwhelment.

 

I am experiencing the emotion impatience.

 

I am experiencing the emotion pessimism.

 

I am experiencing the emotion boredom.

 

I am experiencing the emotion contentment.

 

I am experiencing the emotion hopefulness.

 

I am experiencing the emotion optimism.

 

I am experiencing the emotion eagerness.

 

I am experiencing the emotion passion.

 

I am experiencing the emotion joy.

 

[Blessed2]

Day 41.

 

2 x 25 minutes done.

 

Walk done.

 

Workout done.

 

I'm drinking today. 😕

 

Again it just took hold and I lost.

 

But I'm hopeful cause next week I will see professionals. I'm actually waiting for that.

 

Appreciating this forum.

 

[Blessed2]

Day 42.

 

2 x 25 minutes done.

 

Walk done.

 

Workout done.

 

Drinking again today.

 

Fuck.

 

I just can't stop.

 

Not sure what to do. I will talk to professionals next week. But I'm not sure if even that's enough.

 

[Blessed2]

Day 43.

 

2 x 25 minutes done.

 

Walk done.

 

Skipped workout.

 

No drinking!! I was literally planning on it, on my way to buy alcohol and pizza, but something stopped me and I just gave sobriety a chance for today. And I ate a good vegan meal. 🙏

 

[Blessed2]

I don't know what's going on, my mood swings constantly and it's so overwhelming and scary. I don't know where it's coming from. I've been steady on a dose of anti-depressants for a week so it shouldn't be that. But I'm lowering (quitting entirely) tomorrow, and I'm scared of what might happen. Cause it's going to be a big drop this time.

 

There is a constant feeling of acuteness and urgency, as if my nervous system was in fight or flight. Stuff like what I'm going to eat for dinner seems like a huge thing. The thoughts of drinking or not drinking today seem like a question of an entire lifetime. Every moment of the day is constant stress and pressure. It's like I'm trying to squeeze all pleasure or good feeling I can get out of life... Trying to maximise it. There's a feeling of acuteness and urgency to it. I must gather all the good feeling or pleasure I can muster. Small things seem like life-sized urgent problems.

 

The mood swings constantly and thought loops keep happening. I often feel really angry at this forum. Meditation, the scale, acknowledging emotions etc, it's like all this just reminds me constantly that I'm not doing enough, that it's all my fault, that I should be doing and trying more, I should not do this or that etc.

 

Journaling is one of those things. It's not relieving or helpful, but quite the contrary because it comes with the belief that it's something I must do, I should do, and if I don't, all the bad stuff is my fault. And there's even the belief that it should be done in a certain way, using non-dual language, not use self-referential words etc.

 

In june I'm supposed to go for a trip abroad with friends, but I'm worried that if I quit the pills and it fucks me up, I can't go or that I'll be a nervous mess and have panic or anger.

 

There's just so much stuff that's stressing me out. Literally even just lying on the bed, I feel tense and stressed out. It's physically unconfortable even. The body hurts, aches.

 

I've also been lashing out at my girlfriend a few times and that's not been happening before.

 

It's like I'm fighting for my life all day every day.

 

Even meditation is that fighting, and not really relaxing.

 

And then there's lots of shame, insecurity, thought loops like that. Shame about the thoughts I'm thinking. Shame about being me. Shame about past things I've said or done.

 

I feel so ashamed and guilty all the time.

 

I actually fear for my mental health. Sometimes it feels like my mental stability is just breaking down. I can't wish for having a job or anythig like that. I can barely even get through a day. The torment begins the moment I wake up and continues until I fall asleep. A constant acute battle.

 

[Blessed2]

Day 44.

 

2 x 25 minutes done.

 

Walk done.

 

Workout done.

 

No drinking.

 

 

[Blessed2]

Day 45. Challenge done. 💫

 

2 x 25 minutes done

 

Workout done.

 

Walk done.

 

No drinking.

 

If I'm correct, this is also the 90th day of daily meditation. Haven't skipped a day.

 

 

I don't know if it's the meditation or quitting pills but lately a lot of discord has been coming up. Especially the emotions despair, powerlessness, insecurity, rage, anger, frustration, irritation, impatience. And pessimism.

 

It's hard.

 

Not gonna lie, I think the next challenge is going to be really hard. There will probably be intense moments of rage and anger and despair and such.

 

I don't know where any of this is going. Sometimes it feels like I'm losing my mind honestly. Especially evenings and nights are hard.

 

 

But I will go on as planned. Today I didn't take any pills. I'm quitting the antidepressants for good.

 

And tomorrow will be day 1 of the next challenge.

 

It will be 60 days.

 

There will be 2 x 30 minutes of meditation.

 

I will start a gym membership and train 3x a week.

 

Daily walking will continue and let's make it one hour a day.

 

And no drinking.

 

 

Here's some other things/goals I'd like to do / experience in the next 60 days:

 

- I'd like to try doing embroidery.

- I'd like to see a therapist and see other mental health professionals.

- I'd like to have a job.

- I'd like to ace the test to get into a new school/studies.

- I'd like to make new friends.

- I'd like to quit caffeine and nicotine

- I'd like to eat good vegan food and leave all the garbage behind.

 

 

[Blessed2]

Day 1! 😀💪🤘🤘

 

2 x 30 minutes done.

 

Walk done.

 

No drinking.

 

Tomorrow is first gym day.

 

 

It's day 2 without pills. Haven't noticed any withdrawal effects.

 

It was a good start for this challenge. Feelin great

 

Went to a barber today and she recommended I should start using an anti-hairloss shampoo. 💀

 

 

[Blessed2]

Lately something new has been appearing, which is this feeling of ambition. Sort of "go get it-tery."

 

The sort of "basic" self-help stuff has been resonating more. Sort of a stage orange kind of thing I guess.

 

But with it also doubt arises. Very uncomfortable feeling.

 

I've got this one life. And I got dreams. And I want those dreams fulfilled.

 

But can I make it happen?

 

That feeling, or that thought can be sort of 'paralyzing'.