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Blessed2

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Everything posted by Blessed2

  1. Now that would be a church to join. Everyone would come together once a week, and ask: what feels good? The entire doctrine and practice of the church would be determined by that. And nothing would be set in stone. It could all be burnt down and re-built new in the next meeting.
  2. Yeah, yeah I'm on board with it. I read the AoB blog a bit and it does make sense. I'm just so tired of all the work. It seems like there's a long way from where I'm at emotionally (separate self speaking) to where I want to be. What I'd like for life to be like. When will all this discord no longer arise? I don't want to wait. There's sooo much stuff wrong in my life and to get where I want to be, there a lot that has to be healed and fixed. Or thoughts/beliefs to let go. The neo-advaitans say that there's only one thought at a time. Okay let's see. The discord I'm expressing here has to do with thoughts time and a separate self in time (who has beliefs and stuff to heal and let go). The one thought is that I'm this separate self, or character and that character has lots of discordant beliefs he's holding onto, and that it would take a lot of time to let them all go, and that it's hard to let them go, it's in doubt whether he'll succeed in letting them go. That I'm on a healing journey. A letting go journey. And that I might be right in the beginning and there's a long way to go, or in the middle and there's still a long way to go, or maybe, hopefully, towards the end and soon it's all done and finally there will be peace and I'll have what I want. That thought is appearing and is believed now. Yet it's just a thought. So they say. Another neo-advaitist Paul would probably say that I'm not that character. That it is a pre-assumed nonexistent thing, assumed to be an existent thing, seeking salvation for the nonexistent thing. I would say it's crap goggles, or Acute Misapprehension Syndrome, and it's projecting a nonexistent past and a future, and a nonexistent haver of the goggles/the syndrome. And the emotional guidance is saying the same thing. Powerlessness, despair, discouragement, worry, doubt, overwhelment, frustration, pessimism.
  3. Day 9. 2 x 25 minutes done. Walk done. Forgot workout. No drinking. I've been having lots of thoughts that I no longer like this forum, the suggestions and advice that's shared here. What really "grinds my gears" is the talk about suppression, aversion and listening to emotional guidance. It's like: "hey, you have things you want, you want change, you want to do better, you want better life etc. You gotta stop suppressing and averting from emotions and listen to their guidance to get what you want." I've been trying that, but I just don't seem to be able to do it. Like a pie in the sky. I never really get it. My life isn't what I'd like it to be. I constantly fail to meet my goals. I can't manifest even little things, like just a little surprise from the universe or anything. Not even a little bit of magic. So I want to just give up. I don't like it at all when stuff like listening to the guidance, aligning thought with feeling etc. is talked about. It never works. Like most things in life. Things just are not working out. Life in general is like a very rusty, old, dysfunctional motor which never quite functions smoothly, and is not trustworthy. Life is not like a well-oiled trusty motor that just runs. Every time I try to push the gas pedal, do anything with it, go anywhere with the car, it always fails. That's how it is. That's how life always is. Esther Hicks etc. They tell how I'm the creator and how it works. Sure, maybe if you're super aligned you can attract stuff you want. But the kicker is to get aligned, and that has never happened. Never. And there is no advice as to how to get aligned. Actually there is, but that advice doesn't work. "Just be aligned! Here's how to do it:" And then the advice doesn't work. No matter how hard you try, alignment doesn't come. So lots of hatred, anger, discouragement and blame. Sometimes I think whether the whole thing is actually just a scam. I wish I had never heard about LoA or the emotional scale. So far it has only ever been a source of horrible suffering. Just one more unattainable goal. Yeah yeah I know, "it" is not a source of suffering, sUfFeRiNg Is Of DiScOrDaNt ThOuGhTs 🤡
  4. How could a seeker find? A seeker will never find, because it is a seeker, not a finder.
  5. Hatred, rage, anger, revenge and blame are more aligned as it is indeed not your fault in any way.
  6. I just realized that I do actually have a passion. I thought I didn't, but it was under my nose all along, so close I didn't see it. It's just walking. I love having a walk and listening to music. It's one of my favourite things. I do it just for the sake of itself. I've been doing that for years. Just going for a walk. It's often the highlight of my day. I gotta make the most of it. I often get back home when I get thristy or tired. But if I'd start carrying some water and some fruits and snacks, and taking moments to rest, I could do much longer walks. I could also choose better shoes and lighter clothes. I could even set goals. Sowly add miles to it. I often dream of walking/hiking a really long distance, like across an entire country. I could spend entire days and weeks just walking! What a dream.
  7. Day 8! 2 x 25 minutes done. Workout done. Walk done. No drinking.
  8. The term "letting go" (of thoughts, beliefs) can be quite misleading/confusing, because it doesn't quite address why you're holding on to begin with. Like for example, if you're worrying about your looks or something... And feeling the discord... And someone gives the advice to "let the thought go", that isn't quite helpful is it? The interpretation easily goes to the direction that the letting go is something you must effort about, be fearless or become indifferent enough so that you no longer care about your looks. "Letting go" becomes of work, effort, bravery, something you must accomplish, succeed in. But IMO there's a better way to go about it: seeing that the thought is not your thought, and is not about you. If that realization dawns, what is there to "let go"? The thought was never yours and never about you... You simply lose interest. There isn't even nothing to let go. They're just simply not your thoughts, and never was. If (let's say) Clint Eastwood would be having self-referential discordant thoughts about Clint Eastwood, would it make sense for you to be like "I gotta let go Clint's thoughts and worries about Clint"? No!!! You see that they are Clint's thoughts about Clint, and have nothing to do with you. You immediately lose interest, and "letting go" happens by itself, without any intention to even let go. Rather than offering the advice: "Let that thought go", how about: "Lose interest in that thought by noticing it's not yours and not about you." ? Much lighter, isn't it?
  9. I'm lowering the dose of the antidepressants again and I'm really not feeling like going through the turmoil and insomnia again. I'd like to stay longer in the lower dose and not lower the dose so quickly, but I'm running out of the pills and if I stay longer on a certain dose, at some point I would run out and then I'd make a bigger jump to cold turkey. Last time I lowered the dose, there was maybe about a week of insomnia. This time I cut out a bigger amount of the dose, and I think I'm feeling the effects of that already. Feeling uneasy, anxious, unable to sleep. The worst part is the anxiety. Worry that something bad might happen, like going totally mentally unstable. Cutting the dose seems to bring about weird emotional intensity and turmoil. Kind of a constant stress, fight or flight. Small things are intensified. Maybe a little bit of confusion too. It's scary. The next worst part is the insomnia. Maybe it's just a thought, maybe it's just crap goggles held right now and it's not really as bad as I think, maybe it's only what I think. But it's not easy to shift focus from the thoughts. I believe that I couldn't do it by myself. That I'm not able to lay down these goggles. I'd like to just rest. Relax. Unwind. I want that a lot. To just leave these thoughts that feel like fear, worry, overwhelment. But I don't think I can succeed in letting them go. So it seems that the next week at least, is going to suck, with constant anxiety, fear. Yet a the same time something in me is saying that this is just Acute Misapprehension, and doesn't have much anything to do with the pills or the lower dose. Meditation doesn't seem to be much help. The thoughts are very, very much believed. The thoughts are believed. And the emotional guidance responds as it does. So as of right now, fear. Powerlessness. Fear and powerlessness. Fear. Fear. Fear. Powerlessness. Powerlessness. Powerlessness. Insecurity, yeah. Jealousy. Hatred and rage. Anger and revenge. Discouragement. Blame. Worry. Doubt. Disappointment. Overwhelment. Frustration, irritation, impatience. Pessimism. Boredom. Contentment. Hopefulness. Optimism. Positive expectation. Eagerness. Passion. Appreciation. Joy.
  10. You are not 'not enlightened'. You are non-enlightenment. Therefore you cannot become enlightened via effort and work and activity. You cannot become enlightened by purifying, fixing, developing yourself. The you must drop. This is not an invitation to stop or avoid activities like a meditation practice though. That would just be double the stupidity.
  11. Day 7. 2 x 25 minutes done. Workout done. Walk done. No drinking.
  12. This album is frikin awesome. I don't listen to metal that much, but this has lately been one of my favourite albums. I love the intensity and the richness of the melodies. It reminds me of progressive rock a bit. And I love the sound of the electric guitar on this album. So intense and brutal.
  13. 🙏 Those thoughts / that expression felt quite empowering actually!
  14. I am tired of waiting for enlightenment. I'm tired of thinking it's s thing that happens. I'm tired of the thought that I go through spirituality and enlightenment. I'm tired of the thought that I must let go or go through something to get to enlightenment. I'm tired of thinking I don't know what enlightenment is. I'm tired of thinking I'm not there yet. I'm tired of thinking I'm not done yet. I'm tired of thinking that I don't have peace yet. I'm tired of thinking I'm not enlightened. I'm tired of thinking I'm not perfect yet. I'm tired of thinking that I'm in a process of healing. I'm tired of thinking that I'm still suppressing emotions and not acknowledging the guidance. I'm tired of thinking that any of this stuff about enlightenment is true.
  15. Last night I saw a very interesting, surreal and kind of a scary dream. It started near my childhood home, where I was walking with my girlfriend around the school I went to as a little kid. From a distance I saw some man acting very strangely and kind of menacing toward some other people. I felt very uneasy about him, worried that he might spot us and come cause trouble or even be violent toward us. So I felt it was better get away, hide, get back home. My girlfriend didn't listen to me, and was acting kind of difficult. When I said I want to go back home and it isn't safe here, she didn't listen and did not seem to make any note of the situation or how unsafe I felt/saw the situation. She sat down at a fireplace (which doesn't exist in real life) behind that childhood school of mine, and didn't seem to have any intention to listen to me. In fact, it was as if she was purposefully trying to be difficult. I felt rage and wanted to forcefully drag her back home. I retained myself from that though. As we were sitting by that fireplace, a group of a bit older people came by on black bicycles and scooters. Their appearance and "vibe" was as if they were kind of cool kids, sort of urban, fashionable, trendy people. They spotted us and wanted to sit with us for some reason. They asked about us, what we do for living etc. Then they left, but we noticed soon that they had left (accidentally or purposefully) some things by the fireplace. We tried to get back to them, to return their stuff. They had gotten far away by a long straight road (which actually exists in real life) and so we hopped on some bicycle which appeared dreamily outta nowhere. By girlfriend was riding the bike and I was sitting in front of it, kind of over the front wheel where there was a seat. Suddenly the situation kind of changed so that the people we met earlier were actually racing, trying to ride as fast as they can. So my girlfriend started racing too, and we were riding really, really fast. Like 60 mph at least. I was scared that we were going to crash, as there were some obstacles in the way. We didn't, even though I was almost sure that we were going to crash and I was almost ready to face the painful fall. We got to the end of the long road, and the dream changed. Suddenly we were in the center area of my previous hometown, and there was some celebrities putting together some sort of a festival, or show. It was a big event, but I'm not quite sure what it was exactly. There was at least the Kardashian-Jenner family present. It seemed like they were the main folk putting together the event. The cool kids we met earlier were supposed to be there, helping out in putting together the event. As they had met us earlier, they welcomed us to be with them. I felt kind of out-of-place, as we didn't really have anything to do with the event, we were just kind of hanging out there. The celebrities held some kind of a rehearsal for a dance show they were supposed to do later. I felt weird, sitting on a couch, and the celebrities and professional dancers were doing the rehearsal in front of us. They looked me in the eye. It felt weird, to kind of be acknowledged and befriended by huge celebrities. Then the dream got REALLY weird, and scary. I had some thing in my pocket that the cool kids had left at the fireplace. (Probably, I'm not sure.) But the thing didn't belong to me. And it was like a small piece of trash, just some plastic. But I felt that it wasn't quite mine, so it felt more important than just a piece of trash. I was pondering that I should try to find the cool kids and maybe return it. And at that moment as I held it in my hand, I either dropped it, or kind of pushed it and snapped it into a different form, as if it was like a button. I'm not sure if it was that plastic object, if it was my action or something else someone did in distance at the same time, bit suddenly something really odd happened. It was as if some great evil, a very very evil being had been released/set free in the event-area. It's hard to describe the being. It was as if pure, impersonal evil and malice. I didn't see it, and it might not even have had a particular form. Usually I've been thinking of evil as something that a person might do when they have trauma, or some kind of issue in their mind etc. But this was different. It had no reason or motive for evil. It just was evilness, and it was immensely powerful. It's very, very hard to describe it. It was as if thoughtless, conceptless, self-realized evil (if that makes any sense). The moment it was released, the people running the event went into a total red alert. It was as if they were: "oh shit. this is really, really bad." The evil and malice started to spread in all directions, as if trying to just wrap the entire earth. And this detail is really interesting. As it's spreading presence hit people, it just flattened them, like a pancake. Like a super heavy slab was placed upon them, and they were flattened, like gravity squished them into a pancake. They died, but there was no blood though. At one point in the dream, I experienced that as if I was a stranger who was flattened. I was some stranger living near the site where the event was held and the evil being was released, and I had the news that the evil was set free and it was spreading in a circle from where it was released. I knew it was going to hit me in a few seconds, and even though there was a little bit of hope that it might spare me, I got ready for it by laying down on my stomach on a bed. Then it came, and I felt my ribcage slowly being presssed down, until it was just crushed and the strager-me died. Anyway, right after the evil was released I was still me, and I wanted to flee from the site. At this point there was no longer my girlfriend in the dream, I was running by myself. I came across one of the black scooters the cool kids were riding on. I took it, and started kicking away from the evil being. I was worried that it might see me, but then something weird happened. All my surroundings went entirely pitch black, and it went darker the faster I rode to scooter. The evil didn't seem to catch me. I wondered what was going on and somehow I was explained that I was actually moving in time, into the past by riding the scooter. Which is why the evil couldn't see or catch me anymore, as the darkness that surrounded me was like a tunnel within time. The dream started changing into a more cinema-type dream, where everything happens as if it's a movie. The plot was starting to form. It was basically that I was supposed to live that day forward from the moment those cool kids arrived to me & my girlfriend at the fireplace, and use the time machine to return back there over and over, as if to live the same day over and over again. I saw the past me with my girlfriend over the fireplace, I was now a different me from different time. My goal was to prevent the evil from being released by learning the complex cause-and-effect continuum by living the day over and over and returning back in time over and over. I had to learn the smallest little details and constantly live the day over and over, like in the movie Edge of Tomorrow, or Groundhog Day. I had to create a super complex and detailed plan to prevent the evil from appearing, learning and mixing several different paths and events within the day and the cause-and-effect continuum. It seemed like time was the only way to stop the evil being. Any other way it would have just spread over the entire earth and crush/flatten everyone and everything into a pancake. I woke up before it was done though. I felt really disoriented from the dream. And I felt very uneasy about the evil being. I tried to make sense of it, to describe the being, and it seemed like it might have been what some people call "the devil" or "satan". It was odd because I had never felt anything like it. It was like total malice and darkness. I'm still kind of worried about that. It's scary. I wonder what the fuck that dream was about. Maybe the Lord of the Rings I've been reading might have brought some inspiration to the evil being. About the cool kids, celebrities, the event and the time travel I have no idea.
  16. Day 6. 2 x 25 minutes done. Workout done. Walk done. No drinking.
  17. One, very powerful aspect of the crap goggles is that it is the goggles that make it seem like a you is having them on. The goggles make up a haver of the goggles. 😂 Then the haver that the goggles make up runs around trying to get rid of the goggles.
  18. I'm experiencing quite strong craving to drink today. Actually it's been happening for the past couple of days. I doubt whether I can keep on with this sobriety challenge. There is a thought that it would feel good to drink beer, that it tastes good, feels good, and that I'd like to unwind a bit. Would like to feel that relief and pleasure that comes when you start drinking. I'm jealous of people who can drink and not have it to be a problem. They can go to a bar and have it easy socially speaking like that... They are not outcasts. They can join the drinking and have fun with others. But I can't do that. I wouldn't enjoy being sober while others drink. It would feel pointless, meaningless, boring. I wonder if I can have fun social interactions anymore if I don't drink. If I can be part of the group. If I can be a desireable person to be friends with. But maybe that's just projection. I have thoughts or beliefs that social interactions can't really be fun or meaningful if there is no alcohol involved. Maybe today can be fun with people even if sober, but if there is no alcohol in the future, then there is no meaning to any of it. Friendship with alcohol is the meaning, the point, the goal. Without alcohol, it's empty. What a shockingly insane alcoholic belief. I feel ashamed, or guilty, to even share that I have a belief like that. Though it's a thought that comes and goes. I do not believe that all the time. It's just the crap goggles.
  19. I don't think it's that you are doing something wrong or that you should be doing something else. See if Paul's content resonates. Check his videos and pick whatever thumbnail seems interesting and see what he says. Paul never mentions anything about suppression, aversion, alignment, being the creator, expression, emptying etc etc, yet in so many zoom calls someone drops in to say how lightheartedly they're going about and how the gratefulness is sometimes even overwhelming.
  20. Day 5. 2 x 25 minutes done. Workout done. Walk done. No drinking. Having thoughts that all this meditation is pointless. That it's not leading anywhere, and there is no positive results from it. Been thinking of going back to 20 minutes per session, because the extra 5 minutes is really just a belief that more meditation = more good results from meditation. But it's just pointless to put any effort in anything. I don't see life changing for better anytime soon.
  21. Hmm 🤔 This came to mind: He who has found the world has found a corpse and for him the world is not worthy.
  22. The severed heads and pilots jumping out of a flying plane makes a lot more sense now.
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