Blessed2

Day 4. 2 x 30 minutes done Walk done. Rest day No drinking.

How wise, sexy and awesome Blessed2 is.

I hate to say the Phil thing but it really probably is ignore-ance of emotions as guidance. It's basically the innocent mistaken assumption that thoughts / things feel like they do cause they're true. When the 'situation' is actually the opposite; it feels that way cause they're not true. The ego is the assumption that truth is too good to be true. It is the innocent assumption/belief that truth/happiness requires sacrifice and suffering. This assumption cannot fathom 100% good news. I mean look at pretty much all the religions in the world. The basic message is always the same: something is wrong, and someone has to sacrifice (often someone has to die), to correct the wrong. If that would be true, why would anyone actually want to even consider creating change?

You can't really show anyone the way. You can't teach them, make them realize this or that, you can't shove it down their throats. It's a very delicate matter so to speak. It's so so subtle. Things must take their own course. We all gotta 'see it for ourselves'. Very carefully I'd consider that all that I went through, I just had to go through, to learn, to see for myself. It's a fine line between forcing it, and offering just a bit of possible direction advice. 'The clock of universe'. Very delicate machinery. You need very light hands and a soft touch. 99% of the time it's best to just be silent.

Day 3. 2 x 30 minutes done. Walk done. Gym done. 2nd of the week. No drinking. Feeling pretty great!! I'm starting to see how essential physical exercise is for well-being and day-to-day life, and that it's basically what's been 'missing' for long, long time. It's day 4 without antidepressants. Today I've been getting a bit of those 'brain zaps' that are quite usual when quitting. Had good sleep last night though.

Every now and then in the past years of mental health and addiction issues, unemployment, financial worries etc etc, I've met different social work and mental health professionals who you can just share it all to and unload the stress with. It's like they just catch you like a safety net, direct you to the best services, give advice and suggestions as to how to go about, and take you as you are without blame or judgement. You talk to them like one hour, leave, and suddenly the sun is shining and you feel so much better and supported. You even breathe deeper, feel the air on your skin etc. It's like first your life is a card deck with all the cards mixed up and some of them facing the wrong way. And then they just take the deck and place all the cards the right way and the correct order. God I appreciate these people so much. If I become a social worker, I want to do that too. I wanna be that worker to whom you can come with a hundred different worries and leave with zero.

@judy This will pass. I hope this doesn't sound discouraging, but there isn't really much you can (or need) to do. When the mind goes a bit nuts with spiraling thoughts, trying to stop it with stuff such as meditation or forceful journaling etc. probably just makes it worse. Just wait it out. Time heals. Physical exercise is a good pillar to find base support in turbulent times. I'm not entirely sure if this is a 100% fact lol, but I've heard that muscles actually release natural anti-axiety and anti-depression chemicals when they're activated with exercise. Watching fun movies/TV series is also helpful. When shit hits the fan, netflix and couch isn't distraction, it's self care. Also just youtube, or listening to podcasts or something. Maybe ASMR too? I've found that big, maybe even a bit on the heavy-side meal(s) (high protein, high fat) can help to ground a bit when thoughts go racing around. While you're waiting for the appointment for a psychologist, see if there are any social workers or something like that, to go meet someone and have a talk. Some churches probably also offer that kind of service. Search Reiki distance healing videos on youtube if you wanna try something like that. I did that yesterday for insomnia and it was really nice.

https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=evansir.tarotdivinations This one

There's a great app called Tarot Divination's which has lots of info and symbolism about each card and different spreads too.

Day 2. 2 x 30 minutes done. Walk done. Gym done, 1st of the week No drinking. Saw a psychologist today and it was a very good experience. I feel much more supported in terms of mental health now. The plan is to see a therapist in friday. That would also be very good. The gym was very nice. Can't wait to go again tomorrow. Overall feeling pretty great. Worrying about insomnia though. Just dumbass thoughts. But given much attention. And can't seem to stop to not give em attention. Kind of like a "do not think of a pink elephant" sort of a thing. I am experiencing the emotion worry. I am experiencing the emotion doubt. I am experiencing the emotion disappointment. I am experiencing the emotion overwhelment. I am experiencing the emotion impatience. I am experiencing the emotion pessimism. I am experiencing the emotion boredom. I am experiencing the emotion contentment. I am experiencing the emotion hopefulness. I am experiencing the emotion optimism. I am experiencing the emotion eagerness. I am experiencing the emotion passion. I am experiencing the emotion joy.

Just came home from the first gym session. It was great! The gym was good. Great equipment, lots of space, felt kind of safe there. The first exercise I did was squat machine, and I almost passed out after 2 sets lol. I guess I started off too hard. I started sweating like never before. Maybe my body was just in shock since it's been a while since I've been lifting like that.

Disciples asked: "When will the pizza be whole? When will the time to feast take place?" Jesus said: "The pizza you are awaiting for is already whole, but you do not recognize it."

I think that the withdrawal kinda started now. Or maybe it's just what I think. I don't know if my mind is just going crazy or what. It's 7AM now and I didn't sleep at all last night. I almost fell asleep like usual but then I went to the bathroom and suddenly didn't feel sleepy anymore. Then I had the thought that the withdrawal insomnia has begun. And now I've felt weirder and weirder every hour. It just feels like I'm suddenly super alert. Like there is no sleepyness at all. Just no ability to fall asleep. The mind is racing with nonsense thoughts. I'm feeling anxious cause before the insomnia didn't start before like maybe after a week after lowering the dose. But now it seems like it has started only 2 days in. Am I jumping too fast cold turney to zero? I'm experiencing the emotion fear. I fear that the withdrawal is making my mind go racing and that along with insomnia could actually be dangerous. What if I can't sleep tomorrow night either? What if I stay up for three or four days without sleep? What if I get psychosis or something? It's scary cause I don't know if this is just me believing stupid thoughts or if it's actual withdrawal. It also sucks, because if I don't get sleep, then I don't feel good about doing anything. Like for example, going to the gym or seeing a therapist etc. I had such plans for today, but now that I didn't sleep, I just feel so worn out and sort of fuzzy that I don't feel like doing stuff like that, going out to public spaces. That really sucks the most about insomnia. This feeling of weariness and being "unfresh". Just not at all a feeling of going outside and meeting people. Even when I'm still totally alert. And because all those plans I have are not being carried out due to this insomnia, I start feeling anger and despair. There's tons of stuff I should get done, but I can't if I don't sleep. And I'd feel guilty about not doing them. I can't just stay home for days or weeks, I got shit I have to do, stuff to work out. Previoisly as this insomnia, fucked up sleep cycle and losing touch with routine etc. has happened, I have felt so shitty about it that tons of suicidal thoughts start appearing. The body just goes into this weird tensed up feeling, the guilt, the despair, the anger, the discouragement, the worry all just feels so acute and intense. It's totally nonsensical, there isn't really anything to worry about, nothing to be guilty about. But the thoughts just keep coming as if it's some kind of life or death situation. When I went to bed 7 hours ago, I felt great. But now this. Is it really the withdrawal or am I just believing thoughts? Am I just stressing out from nothing and making the insomnia happen that way? Also, when I don't seem to feel sleepy, I often get really stupid and drink coffee. Because I get this thought that maybe I can't sleep because I'm having caffeine bangs. Everyone says to not drink coffee late in the day if you're having trouble sleeping. But I feel like if I don't drink late, then I'll have bangs when I should be going to sleep and I can't fall asleep because of that. Cause I think that that actually happens. Often I do actually fall asleep when I drink coffee in the morning after staying up for the entire night. Ugh, this fucking sucks. I try and try to sleep, and I stress about it, go totally nuts with racing thoughts. And then of course I can't fall asleep. Even if I try to meditate to calm down, that's also me trying to fall asleep. Same for journaling. I just can't see a way out of these thoughts, this situation. I just totally stress out and don't seem to find a way to calm down. Just thought loop nonsense.

One thing I've noticed by doing / paying attention to this is how much thoughts there are about future. Yet future is not here.

Lately something new has been appearing, which is this feeling of ambition. Sort of "go get it-tery." The sort of "basic" self-help stuff has been resonating more. Sort of a stage orange kind of thing I guess. But with it also doubt arises. Very uncomfortable feeling. I've got this one life. And I got dreams. And I want those dreams fulfilled. But can I make it happen? That feeling, or that thought can be sort of 'paralyzing'.

Day 1! 😀💪🤘🤘 2 x 30 minutes done. Walk done. No drinking. Tomorrow is first gym day. It's day 2 without pills. Haven't noticed any withdrawal effects. It was a good start for this challenge. Feelin great Went to a barber today and she recommended I should start using an anti-hairloss shampoo. 💀

On a more 'serious' note, like I said in the op, Jesus and the word "forgiveness" is simply what feels right for me atm. It's just about how it feels. It could also be a mantra like OM or RAM or whatever. And/or Buddha, or a hindu deity. Or even song lyrics or a quote that reminds you of sane thinking. Or even just focusing on God, whatever that means to you. Or even just bringing attention to perception and sensation.

It's okay, that's more christian than all christianity. 😂

I've been doing this for a couple of days and it's been quite fun: Any time you notice that you're focusing on nonsensical thoughts (it'll make itself known by how it feels, basically everything under contentment or boredom on the scale), whip your own ass by reminding yourself by repeating a few times with your inner voice: "these are insane thoughts". Then bring in mind a symbol (a picture and/or a word) that represents sane thoughts / sanity to you. For me it's a picture/vibe of Jesus, and the word "forgiveness". Then for a moment focus on that symbol. I repeat the word "forgiveness" for a little while, and think of Jesus. Then go about your day.

This is the hijacking! It's lightning speed. The question was: "Where is the self thoughts are about?" The answer was: "I am not ready..."! 🫣 Where is the self that thought is about? Nothing is asked of you, no perspective is being required to be adopted by you, nothing about you needs to be different, there's nothing you need to do. What's being put into question is the pre-assumption "you" that's prior to any of these. You're not doing the hijacking either btw. That happens prior to "you".

Can what I am appear (in form)? Is all that's appearing (in form) what I'm not?

The message of enlightenment / nonduality points out the pre-assumption of being a separate self; me, mine, you, yours etc. The great dilemma here though is that because the separate self is a pre-assumption, it overrides / hijacks everything that comes 'after'. Kind of like holding red-tinted glasses on your eyes, everything seems red and it's assumed that the world just is all red. So when the message of enlightenment / nonduality comes about, it's also claimed by the pre-assumption of separate self. So now it's put in the context of separate selvery and the interpretation is that enlightenment or nonduality is something that you will come to realize, get, understand, become aware of, etc. So you are not expected to eventually realize anything. This is not what the message is. "Liberation is not for you, it's from you." This is a great video: https://youtu.be/jcMr6KdlvdE?feature=shared

Day 45. Challenge done. 💫 2 x 25 minutes done Workout done. Walk done. No drinking. If I'm correct, this is also the 90th day of daily meditation. Haven't skipped a day. I don't know if it's the meditation or quitting pills but lately a lot of discord has been coming up. Especially the emotions despair, powerlessness, insecurity, rage, anger, frustration, irritation, impatience. And pessimism. It's hard. Not gonna lie, I think the next challenge is going to be really hard. There will probably be intense moments of rage and anger and despair and such. I don't know where any of this is going. Sometimes it feels like I'm losing my mind honestly. Especially evenings and nights are hard. But I will go on as planned. Today I didn't take any pills. I'm quitting the antidepressants for good. And tomorrow will be day 1 of the next challenge. It will be 60 days. There will be 2 x 30 minutes of meditation. I will start a gym membership and train 3x a week. Daily walking will continue and let's make it one hour a day. And no drinking. Here's some other things/goals I'd like to do / experience in the next 60 days: - I'd like to try doing embroidery. - I'd like to see a therapist and see other mental health professionals. - I'd like to have a job. - I'd like to ace the test to get into a new school/studies. - I'd like to make new friends. - I'd like to quit caffeine and nicotine - I'd like to eat good vegan food and leave all the garbage behind.

If you believe that you (your weakness, your attachments, your desires, your lack of willpower etc) are standing in your own way, then you'd be split in two and you'd be serving two masters. How could you win that battle? If you believe that something other than yourself is in your way, them you'd admit that God is powerless.