blessed journal

[Blessed2]

Day 4.

 

2 x 25 minutes done.

 

Workout done.

 

Walk done.

 

Fasted today a bit.

 

 

I'd like to cry.

 

I journal and journal but change isn't coming.

 

I love it when the insight self can't get out of self & you can't get out cause you were never in came. It felt good.

 

I'd like to feel like that and really see the closed-systemness and liberate from the self.

 

I try to see it but it doesn't quite happen.

 

I try to see it. I try to see it. I

 

I'd like for it to happen. I

 

I'd like for the change to happen.

 

I'm tired of how life has been.

 

How I've been feeling.

 

"What's appearing forgets by appearing."

 

I'd like to remember.

 

[Blessed2]

Are thoughts really let go when they're expressed?

 

What I write here is just a desperate attempt to get rid of what I don't want and get what I do want.

 

I don't really even have anything to say. Just an attempt to make something happen, some good change.

 

I am experiencing the emotion despair.

 

The change(s) I want isn't coming and I can't make them happen. 

 

Thought loop happening.

 

Maybe the next thing I write will cut it.

 

Yeah I can just let this be. And then I'll wake up tomorrow and nothing has changed. Tomorrow will be the same. Using nicotine, running from bad emotions, what I want not coming, worrying about the future, not having enough money, experiencing shame, experiencing worry, experiencing despair, experiencing guilt, experiencing pessimism, experiencing frustration, experiencing fear, experiencing insecurity, experiencing powerlessness

 

 

[Blessed2]

I just tried self-inquiry and it feels pretty great!

 

I mean the 25 minutes didn't feel great. More like overwhelment, frustration, irritation. Cause the feeling of being me was constantly lost and it was hard to get back to. And it didn't last more than a second until discordant thoughts poured in.

 

But 'tracing back' to that feeling is really relieving.

 

Like for example, an uncomfortable embarassing memory might appear. But if you trace back by asking "to whom does this memory appear to?" or "who is this memory about?" and seek that feeling 'I', there is a huge relief. The embarassment just ends and it's just you alone. Joy.

 

The "I" is like the culprit behind all. Memory, time, future, universe, all is traced back to that I. It really is a relaxing abidance / refuge. But it's really annoying and disappointing that it's so hard to trace back to and how attention doesn't stay there.

 

[Blessed2]

On 3/13/2024 at 1:59 AM, Blessed2 said:

I WANT CHANGE.

 

I AM TIRED OF THIS GAME. I AM TIRED OF HOW LIFE FEELS LIKE.

 

IT FEELS HORRIBLE AND SO I KNOW, I FEEL IN MY BONES THAT THIS IS NOT WHAT ME AND LIFE IS INTENDED FOR. THIS IS NOT WHAT LIFE IS SUPPOSED TO FEEL LIKE.

 

I want to have a reboot. I want to have the mind rebooted, brain and nevous system re-wired. I want miraculous, sudden change for better. I want to be amazed of how easily and satisfyingly the change came.

 

I want a new me.

 

I want to be on a walk in nature and feel contentment.

 

I want everything, all aspects of my life to be saturated with newfound, refreshing, reliable, certain, sure, powerful, happy, joyful, sunny, bright, light, relaxing, peaceful, never-again-worries-fears-doubts WELLBEING.

 

I want old habits to die (such as drinking coffee, using nicotine, overspending, inactivity/messyness, overeating, compulsions) and new freedom, lightheartedness, joy and contentment to take their place.

 

I want it to bear fruit all around me. New situations, opportunities, things, stuff, encounters, doings, activities.

 

I want all to go well, effortlessly.

 

 

 

The night I wrote this & was thinking about having thay change I want, as I was falling asleep, I had this weird about-to-fall-asleep-brain-shutting-down-confusing thought/visualization about my head being severed from the body, how it would feel like for the head to suddenly be a few feet apart from the body. It felt almost real, like I was manifesting it or something. Yet in some weird way it felt good, relieving. Kind of like leaving this entire life behind, dying, surrender.

 

Then I fall asleep at some point. And that night I saw a dream where two pilots jumped out of a flying plane for some reason, with their parachutes on. They landed on a road next to me, and tries to get out of the road but a truck came by and it hit them. Their parachutes got tangled up in the spinning wheels of the truck, and somehow got around their necks and both of them was beheaded.

 

Then the other pilot's severed head rolled next to the other pilot, and he tried to throw it back to his friend as if to give it back in case it might be sown back on. All the while he was missing his own head too. It was like he/his headless body was still alive for a few seconds, without his head.

 

It was really shocking, especially how the headless body tried to throw the head back to it's friend. Must have felt quite awful and confusing and overwhelming to suddenly realize that you have been beheaded...

 

It was weird.

 

Then I got worried that the pilotless plane is going to fall down somewhere and I was worried it might hit me. Tried to get away and stumbled upon some scientists/engineers who were trying to calculate where the plane is going to land. I think the plane landed in a lake or a sea, right next to me. But around that time I woke up.

 

[Blessed2]

It seems that change is impossible to make happen.

 

In terms of effort and trying, it's a mountain.

 

I other terms "change" would be "there", and you can never be "there."

 

So I really just can't do it.

 

What I can do (entirely effortlessly), is non-reaction. Continuing exactly the same.

 

Thoughts like "I want change", "I need change", "I don't want for life to feel/be this way anymore" appears.

 

You don't react. You don't listen to those thoughts. You don't even try to make that change happen.

 

You continue the same. Exactly the same.

 

In a sense that is change, cause before, countless times, I would have reacted, I would have tried to make change happen. In that way I don't continue the same. I take a path I haven't taken before... Which is not reacting, not taking a path.

 

I wonder what happens next. Does a change happen? Is this aligned in terms of LoA?

 

Or do I just continue the same?

 

I guess Tao Te Ching would approve this message.

 

 

[Blessed2]

1 hour ago, Blessed2 said:

 

The night I wrote this & was thinking about having thay change I want, as I was falling asleep, I had this weird about-to-fall-asleep-brain-shutting-down-confusing thought/visualization about my head being severed from the body, how it would feel like for the head to suddenly be a few feet apart from the body. It felt almost real, like I was manifesting it or something. Yet in some weird way it felt good, relieving. Kind of like leaving this entire life behind, dying, surrender.

 

Then I fall asleep at some point. And that night I saw a dream where two pilots jumped out of a flying plane for some reason, with their parachutes on. They landed on a road next to me, and tries to get out of the road but a truck came by and it hit them. Their parachutes got tangled up in the spinning wheels of the truck, and somehow got around their necks and both of them was beheaded.

 

Then the other pilot's severed head rolled next to the other pilot, and he tried to throw it back to his friend as if to give it back in case it might be sown back on. All the while he was missing his own head too. It was like he/his headless body was still alive for a few seconds, without his head.

 

It was really shocking, especially how the headless body tried to throw the head back to it's friend. Must have felt quite awful and confusing and overwhelming to suddenly realize that you have been beheaded...

 

It was weird.

 

Then I got worried that the pilotless plane is going to fall down somewhere and I was worried it might hit me. Tried to get away and stumbled upon some scientists/engineers who were trying to calculate where the plane is going to land. I think the plane landed in a lake or a sea, right next to me. But around that time I woke up.

 

 

40 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:

It seems that change is impossible to make happen.

 

In terms of effort and trying, it's a mountain.

 

I other terms "change" would be "there", and you can never be "there."

 

So I really just can't do it.

 

What I can do (entirely effortlessly), is non-reaction. Continuing exactly the same.

 

Thoughts like "I want change", "I need change", "I don't want for life to feel/be this way anymore" appears.

 

You don't react. You don't listen to those thoughts. You don't even try to make that change happen.

 

You continue the same. Exactly the same.

 

In a sense that is change, cause before, countless times, I would have reacted, I would have tried to make change happen. In that way I don't continue the same. I take a path I haven't taken before... Which is not reacting, not taking a path.

 

I wonder what happens next. Does a change happen? Is this aligned in terms of LoA?

 

Or do I just continue the same?

 

I guess Tao Te Ching would approve this message.

 

 

 

The severed heads and pilots jumping out of a flying plane makes a lot more sense now.

 

[Blessed2]

Day 5.

 

2 x 25 minutes done.

 

Workout done.

 

Walk done.

 

No drinking.

 

 

Having thoughts that all this meditation is pointless. That it's not leading anywhere, and there is no positive results from it.

 

Been thinking of going back to 20 minutes per session, because the extra 5 minutes is really just a belief that more meditation = more good results from meditation. But it's just pointless to put any effort in anything.

 

I don't see life changing for better anytime soon.

[Blessed2]

I'm experiencing quite strong craving to drink today. Actually it's been happening for the past couple of days.

 

I doubt whether I can keep on with this sobriety challenge.

 

There is a thought that it would feel good to drink beer, that it tastes good, feels good, and that I'd like to unwind a bit.

 

Would like to feel that relief and pleasure that comes when you start drinking.

 

I'm jealous of people who can drink and not have it to be a problem. They can go to a bar and have it easy socially speaking like that... They are not outcasts. They can join the drinking and have fun with others. But I can't do that. I wouldn't enjoy being sober while others drink. It would feel pointless, meaningless, boring.

 

I wonder if I can have fun social interactions anymore if I don't drink. If I can be part of the group. If I can be a desireable person to be friends with.

 

But maybe that's just projection.

 

I have thoughts or beliefs that social interactions can't really be fun or meaningful if there is no alcohol involved.

 

Maybe today can be fun with people even if sober, but if there is no alcohol in the future, then there is no meaning to any of it. Friendship with alcohol is the meaning, the point, the goal. Without alcohol, it's empty.

 

What a shockingly insane alcoholic belief. I feel ashamed, or guilty, to even share that I have a belief like that.

 

Though it's a thought that comes and goes. I do not believe that all the time. It's just the crap goggles.

 

 

Edited March 15 by Blessed2

[A Tim]

2 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

It's just the crap goggles.

Amen. So mote it be. It is just the crap goggles. Been there. Still there sometimes. 

 

2 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

I'm experiencing quite strong craving to drink today.

Lord, have I been here. I sometimes wondered what the feeling actually was. Like...the urge would arise, and the mind would say, "Damn. I want a drink." It took me a long time to look at the urge instead of the follow-on. The feeling of what I labeled needing a drink. What is that? Was there confusion about what the body sense was? Is there a density and shape? Direction? That's way more interesting than the idea. 

 

2 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

I wouldn't enjoy being sober while others drink. It would feel pointless, meaningless, boring.

So I stopped drinking completely for about five years. I highly recommend it. No judgement if you don't, and I can only relate my experience, but...

 

...more recently I decided to dabble again and pay attention to everything happening while doing so. I can't get drunk anymore. Not me, anyway. My arm might move slower than it seems it should. Perhaps things look slightly off from time to time. Yet, it's impossible for me to be drunk. Ultimately, it's worthless. There's no point in doing it because it doesn't work, as it turns out. When I pay attention and don't willingly give up conscious awareness to drink and fantasy, it isn't the least bit fun. It's quite meaningless and boring. It doesn't change me in the least. 

[Blessed2]

4 hours ago, A Tim said:

Amen. So mote it be. It is just the crap goggles. Been there. Still there sometimes. 

 

Lord, have I been here. I sometimes wondered what the feeling actually was. Like...the urge would arise, and the mind would say, "Damn. I want a drink." It took me a long time to look at the urge instead of the follow-on. The feeling of what I labeled needing a drink. What is that? Was there confusion about what the body sense was? Is there a density and shape? Direction? That's way more interesting than the idea. 

 

So I stopped drinking completely for about five years. I highly recommend it. No judgement if you don't, and I can only relate my experience, but...

 

...more recently I decided to dabble again and pay attention to everything happening while doing so. I can't get drunk anymore. Not me, anyway. My arm might move slower than it seems it should. Perhaps things look slightly off from time to time. Yet, it's impossible for me to be drunk. Ultimately, it's worthless. There's no point in doing it because it doesn't work, as it turns out. When I pay attention and don't willingly give up conscious awareness to drink and fantasy, it isn't the least bit fun. It's quite meaningless and boring. It doesn't change me in the least. 

 

🙏🙏

[Blessed2]

Day 6. 

 

2 x 25 minutes done.

 

Workout done.

 

Walk done.

 

No drinking.

 

[Blessed2]

Last night I saw a very interesting, surreal and kind of a scary dream.

 

It started near my childhood home, where I was walking with my girlfriend around the school I went to as a little kid. From a distance I saw some man acting very strangely and kind of menacing toward some other people. I felt very uneasy about him, worried that he might spot us and come cause trouble or even be violent toward us. So I felt it was better get away, hide, get back home.

 

My girlfriend didn't listen to me, and was acting kind of difficult. When I said I want to go back home and it isn't safe here, she didn't listen and did not seem to make any note of the situation or how unsafe I felt/saw the situation. She sat down at a fireplace (which doesn't exist in real life) behind that childhood school of mine, and didn't seem to have any intention to listen to me. In fact, it was as if she was purposefully trying to be difficult. I felt rage and wanted to forcefully drag her back home. I retained myself from that though.

 

As we were sitting by that fireplace, a group of a bit older people came by on black bicycles and scooters. Their appearance and "vibe" was as if they were kind of cool kids, sort of urban, fashionable, trendy people. They spotted us and wanted to sit with us for some reason. They asked about us, what we do for living etc. Then they left, but we noticed soon that they had left (accidentally or purposefully) some things by the fireplace.

 

We tried to get back to them, to return their stuff. They had gotten far away by a long straight road (which actually exists in real life) and so we hopped on some bicycle which appeared dreamily outta nowhere.

 

By girlfriend was riding the bike and I was sitting in front of it, kind of over the front wheel where there was a seat. Suddenly the situation kind of changed so that the people we met earlier were actually racing, trying to ride as fast as they can. So my girlfriend started racing too, and we were riding really, really fast. Like 60 mph at least. I was scared that we were going to crash, as there were some obstacles in the way. We didn't, even though I was almost sure that we were going to crash and I was almost ready to face the painful fall.

 

We got to the end of the long road, and the dream changed. Suddenly we were in the center area of my previous hometown, and there was some celebrities putting together some sort of a festival, or show. It was a big event, but I'm not quite sure what it was exactly.

 

There was at least the Kardashian-Jenner family present. It seemed like they were the main folk putting together the event.

 

The cool kids we met earlier were supposed to be there, helping out in putting together the event. As they had met us earlier, they welcomed us to be with them. I felt kind of out-of-place, as we didn't really have anything to do with the event, we were just kind of hanging out there.

 

The celebrities held some kind of a rehearsal for a dance show they were supposed to do later. I felt weird, sitting on a couch, and the celebrities and professional dancers were doing the rehearsal in front of us. They looked me in the eye. It felt weird, to kind of be acknowledged and befriended by huge celebrities.

 

Then the dream got REALLY weird, and scary.

 

I had some thing in my pocket that the cool kids had left at the fireplace. (Probably, I'm not sure.) But the thing didn't belong to me. And it was like a small piece of trash, just some plastic. But I felt that it wasn't quite mine, so it felt more important than just a piece of trash. I was pondering that I should try to find the cool kids and maybe return it. And at that moment as I held it in my hand, I either dropped it, or kind of pushed it and snapped it into a different form, as if it was like a button. I'm not sure if it was that plastic object, if it was my action or something else someone did in distance at the same time, bit suddenly something really odd happened. It was as if some great evil, a very very evil being had been released/set free in the event-area.

 

It's hard to describe the being. It was as if pure, impersonal evil and malice. I didn't see it, and it might not even have had a particular form. Usually I've been thinking of evil as something that a person might do when they have trauma, or some kind of issue in their mind etc. But this was different. It had no reason or motive for evil. It just was evilness, and it was immensely powerful. It's very, very hard to describe it. It was as if thoughtless, conceptless, self-realized evil (if that makes any sense).

 

The moment it was released, the people running the event went into a total red alert. It was as if they were: "oh shit. this is really, really bad."

 

The evil and malice started to spread in all directions, as if trying to just wrap the entire earth. And this detail is really interesting. As it's spreading presence hit people, it just flattened them, like a pancake. Like a super heavy slab was placed upon them, and they were flattened, like gravity squished them into a pancake. They died, but there was no blood though.

 

At one point in the dream, I experienced that as if I was a stranger who was flattened. I was some stranger living near the site where the event was held and the evil being was released, and I had the news that the evil was set free and it was spreading in a circle from where it was released. I knew it was going to hit me in a few seconds, and even though there was a little bit of hope that it might spare me, I got ready for it by laying down on my stomach on a bed. Then it came, and I felt my ribcage slowly being presssed down, until it was just crushed and the strager-me died.

 

Anyway, right after the evil was released I was still me, and I wanted to flee from the site. At this point there was no longer my girlfriend in the dream, I was running by myself. I came across one of the black scooters the cool kids were riding on. I took it, and started kicking away from the evil being. I was worried that it might see me, but then something weird happened. All my surroundings went entirely pitch black, and it went darker the faster I rode to scooter. The evil didn't seem to catch me. I wondered what was going on and somehow I was explained that I was actually moving in time, into the past by riding the scooter. Which is why the evil couldn't see or catch me anymore, as the darkness that surrounded me was like a tunnel within time.

 

The dream started changing into a more cinema-type dream, where everything happens as if it's a movie. The plot was starting to form. It was basically that I was supposed to live that day forward from the moment those cool kids arrived to me & my girlfriend at the fireplace, and use the time machine to return back there over and over, as if to live the same day over and over again. I saw the past me with my girlfriend over the fireplace, I was now a different me from different time. My goal was to prevent the evil from being released by learning the complex cause-and-effect continuum by living the day over and over and returning back in time over and over.

 

I had to learn the smallest little details and constantly live the day over and over, like in the movie Edge of Tomorrow, or Groundhog Day. I had to create a super complex and detailed plan to prevent the evil from appearing, learning and mixing several different paths and events within the day and the cause-and-effect continuum.

 

It seemed like time was the only way to stop the evil being. Any other way it would have just spread over the entire earth and crush/flatten everyone and everything into a pancake.

 

I woke up before it was done though. I felt really disoriented from the dream. And I felt very uneasy about the evil being. I tried to make sense of it, to describe the being, and it seemed like it might have been what some people call "the devil" or "satan". It was odd because I had never felt anything like it. It was like total malice and darkness. I'm still kind of worried about that. It's scary.

 

I wonder what the fuck that dream was about. Maybe the Lord of the Rings I've been reading might have brought some inspiration to the evil being. About the cool kids, celebrities, the event and the time travel I have no idea.

 

 

Edited March 16 by Blessed2

[Blessed2]

I am tired of waiting for enlightenment.

 

I'm tired of thinking it's s thing that happens.

 

I'm tired of the thought that I go through spirituality and enlightenment.

 

I'm tired of the thought that I must let go or go through something to get to enlightenment.

 

I'm tired of thinking I don't know what enlightenment is.

 

I'm tired of thinking I'm not there yet.

 

I'm tired of thinking I'm not done yet.

 

I'm tired of thinking that I don't have peace yet.

 

I'm tired of thinking I'm not enlightened.

 

I'm tired of thinking I'm not perfect yet.

 

I'm tired of thinking that I'm in a process of healing.

 

I'm tired of thinking that I'm still suppressing emotions and not acknowledging the guidance.

 

I'm tired of thinking that any of this stuff about enlightenment is true.

 

[WhiteOwl]

37 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:

I am tired of waiting for enlightenment.

Hey there. Hope its alright i'm jumping in here 💚

 

Maybe it would be "helpful" to aknowledge how those thoughts make you feel? Seems like a lot of emotions are behind the thoughts

[Blessed2]

13 minutes ago, WhiteOwl said:

Hey there. Hope its alright i'm jumping in here 💚

 

Maybe it would be "helpful" to aknowledge how those thoughts make you feel? Seems like a lot of emotions are behind the thoughts

 

🙏

 

Those thoughts / that expression felt quite empowering actually!

[WhiteOwl]

1 hour ago, Blessed2 said:

Those thoughts / that expression felt quite empowering actually!

Nice! 🙏

[Blessed2]

Day 7.

 

2 x 25 minutes done.

 

Workout done.

 

Walk done.

 

No drinking.

 

[Blessed2]

I'm lowering the dose of the antidepressants again and I'm really not feeling like going through the turmoil and insomnia again.

 

I'd like to stay longer in the lower dose and not lower the dose so quickly, but I'm running out of the pills and if I stay longer on a certain dose, at some point I would run out and then I'd make a bigger jump to cold turkey.

 

Last time I lowered the dose, there was maybe about a week of insomnia. This time I cut out a bigger amount of the dose, and I think I'm feeling the effects of that already. Feeling uneasy, anxious, unable to sleep.

 

The worst part is the anxiety. Worry that something bad might happen, like going totally mentally unstable. Cutting the dose seems to bring about weird emotional intensity and turmoil. Kind of a constant stress, fight or flight. Small things are intensified. Maybe a little bit of confusion too. It's scary.

 

The next worst part is the insomnia.

 

Maybe it's just a thought, maybe it's just crap goggles held right now and it's not really as bad as I think, maybe it's only what I think.

 

But it's not easy to shift focus from the thoughts. I believe that I couldn't do it by myself. That I'm not able to lay down these goggles.

 

I'd like to just rest. Relax. Unwind. I want that a lot. To just leave these thoughts that feel like fear, worry, overwhelment.

 

But I don't think I can succeed in letting them go.

 

So it seems that the next week at least, is going to suck, with constant anxiety, fear.

 

Yet a the same time something in me is saying that this is just Acute Misapprehension, and doesn't have much anything to do with the pills or the lower dose.

 

Meditation doesn't seem to be much help. The thoughts are very, very much believed.

 

The thoughts are believed. And the emotional guidance responds as it does.

 

So as of right now, fear. Powerlessness.

 

Fear and powerlessness.

 

Fear. Fear. Fear. Powerlessness. Powerlessness. Powerlessness.

 

Insecurity, yeah.

 

Jealousy.

 

Hatred and rage.

 

Anger and revenge.

 

Discouragement.

 

Blame.

 

Worry.

 

Doubt.

 

Disappointment.

 

Overwhelment.

 

Frustration, irritation, impatience.

 

Pessimism.

 

Boredom.

 

Contentment.

 

Hopefulness.

 

Optimism.

 

Positive expectation.

 

Eagerness.

 

Passion.

 

Appreciation.

 

Joy.

 

[Blessed2]

Day 8!

 

2 x 25 minutes done.

 

Workout done.

 

Walk done.

 

No drinking.

 

[Blessed2]

I just realized that I do actually have a passion. I thought I didn't, but it was under my nose all along, so close I didn't see it.

 

It's just walking. I love having a walk and listening to music. It's one of my favourite things. I do it just for the sake of itself.

 

I've been doing that for years. Just going for a walk. It's often the highlight of my day.

 

I gotta make the most of it. I often get back home when I get thristy or tired. But if I'd start carrying some water and some fruits and snacks, and taking moments to rest, I could do much longer walks.

 

I could also choose better shoes and lighter clothes.

 

I could even set goals. Sowly add miles to it. I often dream of walking/hiking a really long distance, like across an entire country. I could spend entire days and weeks just walking! What a dream.