Blessed2 Posted April 3 Author Share Posted April 3 Day 26. 2 x 25 minutes done. Walk done. Workout done. No drinking. Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed2 Posted April 4 Author Share Posted April 4 Day 27. 2 x 25 minutes done. Walk done. Workout done. No drinking. Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed2 Posted April 5 Author Share Posted April 5 Day 28. 2 x 25 minutes done. Had rest from the workout and walk today. No drinking. Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed2 Posted April 6 Author Share Posted April 6 (edited) It's really frustrating cause I try to 'get it' (nonduality etc) quickly, to make money and respect out of it. Then it's immediately lost and a really uncomfortable heavy feeling in the body and especially the stomach area appears. I want to get it in order to not feel impatience and pessimism. Whatever it is, meditation, God, etc. I try to make it mine so that I can sell it. I try to make it mine so that I have something others want. So that I would have something interesting and valuable and I'd be interesting and valuable and respectable in the eyes of others. But really it's all just a petty, miserable game. And it feels so heavy. Like a game I can't win. If I could win it, I would already have. And if I could win it, I could also lose it later. I'd have to keep winning and getting it. Endless hamster wheel. It feels so bad in the stomach area. Almost a flu-like feeling in the entire body. Where narcissism is at. I've been holding a belief that I need to be special for there to be meaning. That I'd have to be a superman. I see all these famous artists and other successful people and it's like their life is going somewhere. They're the center of attention. And then I think that I need some project or my own company or artistry or something like that for my life to be going somewhere, to be the center of attention and have meaning. This movie is probably talking about exactly this. https://m.imdb.com/title/tt27503384/ How could there be meaning in life like that? Edited April 6 by Blessed2 Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed2 Posted April 6 Author Share Posted April 6 Day 29. 2 x 25 minutes done. Workout done. Walk done. No drinking. Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed2 Posted April 7 Author Share Posted April 7 Day 30. 2 x 25 minutes done. Walk done. Missed workout. And I'm drinking today. ☹️ Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed2 Posted April 8 Author Share Posted April 8 I'm not sure what happened yesterday. I got drunk. And I'm feeling the same craving to drink today, and it's just too strong. I just don't want to fight it. It feels better to just give up. Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Posted April 8 Share Posted April 8 Whereas yesterday I gave up, today I will not. I’ll truly take full advantage of all resources available to me because I see the help is God. Quote Mention YouTube Website Sessions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A Tim Posted April 8 Share Posted April 8 4 hours ago, Blessed2 said: It feels better to just give up. That's just an idea. Does it really feel that way? Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed2 Posted April 8 Author Share Posted April 8 Day 31. 2 x 25 minutes done. Walk done. Workout skipped. Drinking again today. It feels and tastes horrible. Will seek help soon. Maybe even tomorrow. There's a social services thing I can just go to without an appointment. I will go asap. There wasn't really any reason to drink today. The thought just took hold. Just insane, stupid, ridiculous thoughts and beliefs. Did the emotional scale, but it didn't help. Tried to meditate and let the thoughts go, but they kept on. Tried to let go & let God, but they kept on. I feel a bit sorry. I know journaling / opening up is recommended here. I tried, but the stupid alcoholic, fearful thoughts came over. Did I even give it (grace/God) a chance? Did I give the suggested methods a chance? Maybe I could have tried a bit more. Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed2 Posted April 8 Author Share Posted April 8 10 minutes ago, A Tim said: That's just an idea. Does it really feel that way? It did really feel that way. ☹️ Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed2 Posted April 10 Author Share Posted April 10 Oop, forgot yesterday. Day 32 2 x 25 minutes. Got the flu. Had a walk, but no workout. Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed2 Posted April 11 Author Share Posted April 11 Day 33. 2 x 25 minutes done. Still sick. Gotta rest and skip the workout. Had a little walk though. Oh, and no drinking today. Nor yesterday. Maybe this flu appeared at a good time. Saw some people who can help yesterday. They helped me with other stuff, but didn't have a good spot to bring up the alcoholism. The plan was to go again tomorrow but if I'm still sick, I'll go later. But I will. I want to take action. I actually threw up tuesday night when I went to sleep, I was so drunk. When I woke up in the morning it kind of just hit me very clearly that "yup, this is alcoholism". It was weird cause it's not like I had not known that before. But yesterday morning it somehow was just super clear. That this is not normal, these uncontrollable urges and fixations to get drunk are not normal. And how I've been feeling in general, not just in terms of alcoholism, is not how life is supposed to feel like. Like for fucks sake, it is not normal to think/feel that life would be meaningless without alcohol, and that is not what life is supposed to be like. That is an alcoholic belief. Today I came across a video of Adyashanti saying something like "meditation only begins when it is noticed that you can't do it, you can't focus" That's exactly what I've been experiencing lately with meditation. Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed2 Posted April 11 Author Share Posted April 11 Day 34. 2 x 25 minutes done. Still sick. No drinking. Lately for some reason some really intense moments of rage and anger have been occuring. Like for example, I recently got a cast iron pan. I've been trying to season it and make it so that the foods won't stick. But I've been failing every time even though I've followed the advice on the internet. I tried to make some pancakes and totally messed up the first ones, burnt them and they stick to the pan. I just didn't get what I was doing wrong, was the pan just somehow ruined or something. Some crazy intense emotions of rage and anger came up. It wasn't far that I would have started to thrash my kitchen with the pan. Eventually I realized that I had just been using way too high heat for the pan. The pancakes were okay. Fuck love, cooked with rage and anger! Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed2 Posted April 12 Author Share Posted April 12 My own power does not exist. With it I can not accomplish anything. Taking each step with God, I have already arrived. Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed2 Posted April 12 Author Share Posted April 12 Day 35. 2 x 25 minutes done. Still sick. No drinking. Feeling frustrated with the meditation practice. Basically, it feels like a chore. Lots of impatience, irritation etc. come up. Been thinking if I will amp up to 30 minutes for the next challenge or return to 15-20 minutes. I'm kind of confused because lots of non-dual teachers say that any practice per se is really an attempt to get somewhere, yet you are already Reality. So the practice could itself be reinforcing the attachment. And there's obviously a trying to get somewhere cause it feels like a chore to me. I don't want to have just one more thing to feel stressed out and guilty about. A few days ago I heard someone say something like "mornings are sacred". That resonated and now I've been remembering that right when waking up, and basically focusing on gratitude for the new day, and developing the positive mindset for the day. That doesn't feel like a chore. "Taking every step with God, I have already arrived." Meditation feels like a chore cause I'm trying to take steps to God. I dunno. I'm confused. It sucks cause some people say that meditation is necessary and some say it's not. So the only reason I meditate 2 x 25 minutes is because I believe what some people say. And feel worry that if they're right and I don't meditate, I'll mess up. Feeling really bad about all this. I've really been carrying this burden around. Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandy Posted April 12 Share Posted April 12 23 hours ago, Blessed2 said: Like for example, I recently got a cast iron pan. I've been trying to season it and make it so that the foods won't stick. But I've been failing every time even though I've followed the advice on the internet. I tried to make some pancakes and totally messed up the first ones, burnt them and they stick to the pan. I just didn't get what I was doing wrong, was the pan just somehow ruined or something. Some crazy intense emotions of rage and anger came up. It wasn't far that I would have started to thrash my kitchen with the pan. Eventually I realized that I had just been using way too high heat for the pan. The pancakes were okay. Fuck love, cooked with rage and anger! 😂 THAT IS YOUR NEW BUSINESS PLAN. I love the catchphrase. So weird, I was reading Reena's journal just a minute ago and she mentioned the same thing about a cast iron pan. Quote Mention Youtube Channel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed2 Posted April 13 Author Share Posted April 13 16 hours ago, Mandy said: 😂 THAT IS YOUR NEW BUSINESS PLAN. I love the catchphrase. Cafe & Bistro Emotions. Might be done with love, or rage, or insecurity, or maybe doubt. You never know what you'll get. Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed2 Posted April 13 Author Share Posted April 13 I'm actually feeling pretty sick. It's been getting worse day by day. Quite unusual for me honestly. Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandy Posted April 13 Share Posted April 13 1 hour ago, Blessed2 said: Cafe & Bistro Emotions. Might be done with love, or rage, or insecurity, or maybe doubt. You never know what you'll get. I like it. I'm thinking like jalapeño pancakes with maple syrup and hot sauce. 1 hour ago, Blessed2 said: I'm actually feeling pretty sick. It's been getting worse day by day. Quite unusual for me honestly. Hope you feel better soon. Drink a ton of fluids, lemon water, herbal tea, cut out or cut back on salt and caffeine, more fruits less fats, REST. Quote Mention Youtube Channel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.