blessed journal

[Blessed2]

6 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

It's day 2 without pills. Haven't noticed any withdrawal effects.

 

I think that the withdrawal kinda started now. Or maybe it's just what I think.

 

I don't know if my mind is just going crazy or what.

 

It's 7AM now and I didn't sleep at all last night. I almost fell asleep like usual but then I went to the bathroom and suddenly didn't feel sleepy anymore. Then I had the thought that the withdrawal insomnia has begun. And now I've felt weirder and weirder every hour.

 

It just feels like I'm suddenly super alert. Like there is no sleepyness at all. Just no ability to fall asleep. The mind is racing with nonsense thoughts.

 

I'm feeling anxious cause before the insomnia didn't start before like maybe after a week after lowering the dose. But now it seems like it has started only 2 days in. Am I jumping too fast cold turney to zero?

 

I'm experiencing the emotion fear. I fear that the withdrawal is making my mind go racing and that along with insomnia could actually be dangerous. What if I can't sleep tomorrow night either? What if I stay up for three or four days without sleep? What if I get psychosis or something?

 

It's scary cause I don't know if this is just me believing stupid thoughts or if it's actual withdrawal.

 

It also sucks, because if I don't get sleep, then I don't feel good about doing anything. Like for example, going to the gym or seeing a therapist etc. I had such plans for today, but now that I didn't sleep, I just feel so worn out and sort of fuzzy that I don't feel like doing stuff like that, going out to public spaces.

 

That really sucks the most about insomnia. This feeling of weariness and being "unfresh". Just not at all a feeling of going outside and meeting people. Even when I'm still totally alert.

 

And because all those plans I have are not being carried out due to this insomnia, I start feeling anger and despair. There's tons of stuff I should get done, but I can't if I don't sleep. And I'd feel guilty about not doing them. I can't just stay home for days or weeks, I got shit I have to do, stuff to work out.

 

Previoisly as this insomnia, fucked up sleep cycle and losing touch with routine etc. has happened, I have felt so shitty about it that tons of suicidal thoughts start appearing.

 

The body just goes into this weird tensed up feeling, the guilt, the despair, the anger, the discouragement, the worry all just feels so acute and intense. It's totally nonsensical, there isn't really anything to worry about, nothing to be guilty about. But the thoughts just keep coming as if it's some kind of life or death situation.

 

When I went to bed 7 hours ago, I felt great. But now this. Is it really the withdrawal or am I just believing thoughts? Am I just stressing out from nothing and making the insomnia happen that way?

 

Also, when I don't seem to feel sleepy, I often get really stupid and drink coffee. Because I get this thought that maybe I can't sleep because I'm having caffeine bangs. Everyone says to not drink coffee late in the day if you're having trouble sleeping. But I feel like if I don't drink late, then I'll have bangs when I should be going to sleep and I can't fall asleep because of that. Cause I think that that actually happens. Often I do actually fall asleep when I drink coffee in the morning after staying up for the entire night.

 

Ugh, this fucking sucks. I try and try to sleep, and I stress about it, go totally nuts with racing thoughts. And then of course I can't fall asleep.

 

Even if I try to meditate to calm down, that's also me trying to fall asleep. Same for journaling.

 

I just can't see a way out of these thoughts, this situation. I just totally stress out and don't seem to find a way to calm down. Just thought loop nonsense.

 

 

[Blessed2]

Just came home from the first gym session. It was great! The gym was good. Great equipment, lots of space, felt kind of safe there.

 

The first exercise I did was squat machine, and I almost passed out after 2 sets lol. I guess I started off too hard. I started sweating like never before. Maybe my body was just in shock since it's been a while since I've been lifting like that. 

 

[Blessed2]

Day 2. 

 

2 x 30 minutes done.

 

Walk done.

 

Gym done, 1st of the week

 

No drinking.

 

 

Saw a psychologist today and it was a very good experience. I feel much more supported in terms of mental health now.

 

The plan is to see a therapist in friday. That would also be very good.

 

The gym was very nice. Can't wait to go again tomorrow.

 

Overall feeling pretty great. Worrying about insomnia though. Just dumbass thoughts. But given much attention. And can't seem to stop to not give em attention. Kind of like a "do not think of a pink elephant" sort of a thing.

 

I am experiencing the emotion worry.

 

I am experiencing the emotion doubt.

 

I am experiencing the emotion disappointment.

 

I am experiencing the emotion overwhelment.

 

I am experiencing the emotion impatience.

 

I am experiencing the emotion pessimism.

 

I am experiencing the emotion boredom.

 

I am experiencing the emotion contentment.

 

I am experiencing the emotion hopefulness.

 

I am experiencing the emotion optimism.

 

I am experiencing the emotion eagerness.

 

I am experiencing the emotion passion.

 

I am experiencing the emotion joy.

 

[Blessed2]

Day 3. 

 

2 x 30 minutes done.

 

Walk done.

 

Gym done. 2nd of the week.

 

No drinking.

 

 

Feeling pretty great!!

 

I'm starting to see how essential physical exercise is for well-being and day-to-day life, and that it's basically what's been 'missing' for long, long time.

 

 

It's day 4 without antidepressants. Today I've been getting a bit of those 'brain zaps' that are quite usual when quitting. Had good sleep last night though.

 

[Blessed2]

You can't really show anyone the way. You can't teach them, make them realize this or that, you can't shove it down their throats. It's a very delicate matter so to speak.

 

It's so so subtle. Things must take their own course. We all gotta 'see it for ourselves'.

 

Very carefully I'd consider that all that I went through, I just had to go through, to learn, to see for myself.

 

It's a fine line between forcing it, and offering just a bit of possible direction advice.

 

'The clock of universe'. Very delicate machinery. You need very light hands and a soft touch.

 

99% of the time it's best to just be silent.

 

Edited April 26 by Blessed2

[Blessed2]

Day 4.

 

2 x 30 minutes done

 

Walk done.

 

Rest day

 

No drinking.

 

 

[Blessed2]

Day 5.

 

2 x 30 minutes done.

 

A shorter walk done. Felt like the body needed more rest.

 

Rest from gym today.

 

No drinking.

 

 

Some indigestible beliefs going around today. About self, career, meaning. And insane narcissistic daydreams.

 

"Meaning is not here now, it's in the future, when I'm the certain way, have certain things."

 

"I can't find a career path or anything of interest in that regard. I couldn't find meaning in a normal job."

 

"I need to be adored by others to feel meaning and happiness. I need to show that I am special, more intelligent etc. than others."

 

 

[Blessed2]

Day 6.

 

2 x 30 minutes ✔️

 

Walk ✔️ (not a full hour though, felt like giving a bit more rest for the body still)

 

Gym ✔️

 

No drinking ✔️

 

 

Gym felt really good again! Today was full body day. My workout routine is like this:

 

A: Lower body

 

B: Upper body

 

C : Full body

 

A & B are more focused on machines, C is more free weights and compound movements.

 

Did some (sumo) deadlifts today. It's been maybe 7 years since the last time but I've still got the good form in muscle memory though, which was nice. It felt pretty amazing, though I got a bit lightheaded again 😁

 

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Edited April 28 by Blessed2

[Blessed2]

Day 7.

 

2 x 30 minutes ✔️

 

Walk ✔️ (though not a full hour, resting)

 

Rest day

 

No drinking ✔️

 

 

[Blessed2]

Today's the day. You can't fail it.

[Blessed2]

Day 8.

 

2 x 30 minutes done.

 

Walk done.

 

Resting.

 

I had one drink.

 

 

Everyone else is living normal lives but I can't even make simple daily tasks done. I doubt whether I can actually ever live a normal life. Much less that I could succeed in the way I want to succeed.

 

There is just too many problems. Social anxiety, stomach issues, addiction, depression etc.

 

Most people my age has already finished their studies and are starting a career. Some have kids and a family. I'm still in the same place I was 5 years ago.

 

I am just never in a mental or physical state where I can actually do anything. Literally every hour of my life is a battle. Often my body feels so heavy that I can't really even stand or sit. Everyone else seem to have energy and they are just always in a state of being able to do stuff. I'm not, and I don't know why. I try to eat good food and I try to stay active but nothing seems to work. I wonder if I have an actual physical illness like some kind of autoimmune disease or something. Some bad bacteria in my gut.

 

But even if it was something like that, I wouldn't have energy to try to fix it. And doctors don't like it when you talk about these kinds of things. They don't actually want to check digestion etc, ever. It would take years of meeting doctors to get to that place.

 

And then there is self-pity. And then a thought that the self-pity is pathetic and inauthentic and trying to blame others. That though feels so off that I instantly experience a want to self harm.

 

 

[Blessed2]

Unity and oneness is like pseudo-nonduality.

[Blessed2]

Day 9.

 

2 x 30 minutes done.

 

Walk skipped.

 

Resting

 

No drinking.

 

 

I hurt my neck today. It just randomly started hurting when I rose from the bed. I can't really turn my head, it's so painful. So I couldn't have the walk. And probably have to skip gym tomorrow too. Yay. Fucking sucks.

 

Meditation sucked too. The neck kept hurting even if I don't move. And I kept falling asleep constantly. Didn't really even meditate, just kept daydreaming.

 

Edited Wednesday at 09:32 PM by Blessed2

[Blessed2]

I just visited mental health professionals in a place where it's supposed to offer therapy for free without a doctor's note. When they heard that I was quitting pills and have had a psychotic episode, they right away stated that I was in a wrong place, that therapy isn't what I need (even though it's what I specifically wanted) and that I should contact a doctor ASAP.

 

Then I went home, called the hospital and explained the situation. But they said that they won't send me to a psychiatrist, because I am quitting the pills by my own choice and I'm not looking to continue or change the medication. Basically, the only way to see a psychiatrist, to form a connection to mental health services, get therapy etc, is if I want to take pills. So they also said I was basically calling the wrong place, and that I should go to the first place I visited.

 

Kind of an absurd situation.

 

[Phil]

Psychologists do therapy. Psychiatrists write & manage prescriptions. Doctor’s never advise quitting psychiatric medications cold turkey. 

[Blessed2]

15 minutes ago, Phil said:

Psychologists do therapy. Psychiatrists write & manage prescriptions. Doctor’s never advise quitting psychiatric medications cold turkey. 

 

Yeah. But the doctor gives the note that would give me an access to financially supported therapy. Without that doctor's note, I would have to pay the therapy myself entirely and that's not possible. So it seems that the only way to have long-term therapy would be to also take pills.

 

I can meet a therapist without the doctor's note for free a couple of times. Which would have been the first place I visited. I'll try going there again on monday and if they say the same thing again, I'll start throwing tables. Maybe that'll help.

 

I dunno, I expected that a doctor would have been interested to even have a check-up as I'm quitting the pills which can be hard and I have a history of this stuff like a suicidal psychotic episode. I think it would be reasonable to check a bit that what's going on and consider a plan forward.

 

I think the hospital staff didn't quite get the entire picture.

 

[Reena]

@Blessed2 can you cheat with the pills? 

[Phil]

@Blessed2

Go to the doctor, like they told you to, and get the note. Right? 

[Blessed2]

4 minutes ago, Phil said:

Go to the doctor, like they told you to, and get the note. Right? 

 

That's what I tried to do, but the doctor didn't take me cause I had quit pills and wasn't interested in continuing or changing medication.

 

[Blessed2]

17 minutes ago, Reena said:

@Blessed2 can you cheat with the pills? 

 

I thought of the same thing, but that would be kind of a hassle.