blessed journal

[Blessed2]

Day 16.

 

3 x 20 minutes done, though one doesn't really count.

 

A little workout done.

 

No drinking.

 

Didn't clean today. Just didn't feel like it. It was kind of a shitty day actually.

 

Tomorrow a water fast.

 

Edited February 25 by Blessed2

[Blessed2]

Day 17.

 

2 x 20 minutes done.

 

20 push-ups done.

 

No drinking.

 

24-hour water fast.

 

Over 24 hours seem to be a bit too much, at least for now. 

 

My back has been hurting a bit while meditating. Might be cause I have slight scoliosis in the spine. Not sure what to do about it. Maybe I have to train back muscles a bit.

 

[Blessed2]

Had a really interestin recognition earlier.

 

The same thing why I wanted to change the name of this thread from "journey" to "journal".

 

Before, when an emotion I judged as bad or as something I wouldn't want to experience again later came, I used to try do something about it. Tried to fix it, figure it out, make it go away, so that it wouldn't bmcime back later.

 

But then one day I had this crazy idea to not do anything about it. And it felt much better.

 

I "did" that today, and I realized something reeally interesting. Basically that feeling is never anywhere else than here now. How nonsensical it is to try fix or make a future feeling go away.

 

It's a huge relief. 

 

Like... I'm not depressed. There's nothing to heal or fix about future emotions.

 

In a sense I'm not actually even suffering.

 

Woooaahhh. So much of my life, actually almost all of it, has been revolving around getting rid of depression and suffering, which never even existed.

 

[Blessed2]

Day 18. Oop forgot to journal last night.

 

2 x 20 minutes done.

 

20 push-ups done.

 

No drinking. Two weeks sober.

 

 

Edited February 27 by Blessed2

[Blessed2]

Day 19.

 

2 x 20 minutes done.

 

20 push-ups done.

 

No drinking.

 

 

The discordant thoughts about meditation I experienced lately are subsising. Taking it less seriously.

 

It's kind of interesting how there appear thoughts like "I'm just trying to get enlightened by meditating and that's not possible" etc. But still the practice persists. The thought just isn't quite believed. Yet it isn't quite believed that by meditating I'd get to a goal of enlightenment. It's weird. The practice just persists as if some ungrasped force was making it happen.

 

 

Today's insight came as I was listening to Paul Hedderman. He mentioned something about the quote "I am that I am."

 

It's not "I am this" or "I am that". It's "I am that I am".

 

Similar to tongue can't taste itself.

 

The seer cannot be seen.

 

It's a great joy and freedom. And love.

 

I don't know myself, I am myself.

 

Nothing.

 

 

Oh yeah, I also called the dentist and got a time for next week. Healthy teeth soon for this guy.

 

Edited February 27 by Blessed2

[Blessed2]

Day 20.

 

2 x 20 minutes done.

 

20 push-ups done.

 

No drinking.

 

Both meditations today I did by lying on the back.

 

I'm not sure what the emotion experienced is, but the thought is that I should be harder on myself, not go the easy way by choosing a more comfortable position. That it's not going to be as effective if not done in formal posture.

 

Today's insight is that meditation comes first. Books, teachings, satsangs etc. second. Meditation is always first.

 

Whatever thoughts arise, whatever any teacher or book says... Continue the practice. Madness! Good madness!

 

[Blessed2]

Day 21.

 

2 x 20 minutes done.

 

Ab workout done.

 

No drinking.

 

[Blessed2]

Day 22.

 

2 x 20 minutes done.

 

Ab workout done.

 

No drinking.

 

Tomorrow is supposed to be cleaning day, but not feeling like it at all.

 

I'm experiencing the emotion discouragement.

 

Even if I cleaned the whole house, I would still mess it up again. And what does it matter? Why would I have a clean home? My life sucks either way.

 

 

[Blessed2]

Day 23.

 

2 x 20 minutes done.

 

Ab workout done.

 

No drinking.

 

 

[Blessed2]

Day 24.

 

2 x 20 minutes done.

 

20 push-ups done.

 

No drinking.

 

[Blessed2]

I can't sleep. I don't know what it is. Maybe quitting the antidepressants.

 

It's been over a week of shitty sleep cycle. I stay awake the entire night and then sleep a couple of hours during the day.

 

I just tried to fall asleep by meditating. I meditated almost two hours straight, lying in the bed and didn't even come close to falling asleep.

 

I can't fucking believe this. ??????????????? I MEDITATED TWO HOURS STRAIGHT AND DIDN'T EVEN COME CLOSE TO SLEEPING. HOW THE FUCK IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?

 

I feel horrible. This lingering constant stress and tension. I think it's the antidepressants. They have fucked something up. I can feel that there is something odd happening in my body. It feels weird. Everything feels weird. I don't feel secure.

 

Maybe I could try to fix it by staying awake the entire night and not sleep during the day, but I'd be so tired and on edge. I wouldn't be able to do the two meditation sessions.

 

The worst thing is that I have to again lower the dose in a week or so, cause I'm running out of the meds. I can't quit them slower.

 

I'm afraid that I'll be entirely unable to sleep and that would completely destruct everything. I wouldn't be able to function.

 

I'm already experiencing such stress and despair that I'm afraid something is wrong and my mental health will break down.

 

 

It might not really be amnesia per se, just a fucked up sleep cycle. Maybe I'll try and take just a two hour nap today or something and see if I'll sleep a full night.

 

One thing that really baffles me is that after staying awake for the entire night, I drink coffee in the morning and then I suddenly get sleepy. That happens quite often to me, getting sleepy after drinking coffee. Makes me think if I'm so addicted to it that the bangs actually make it harder to sleep and I have to drink some in order to relax and fall asleep. 😂

 

Edited March 4 by Blessed2

[Blessed2]

Three weeks sober today. That's a win at least.

 

The last time I was sober for this long was probably over a year and a half ago.

[Blessed2]

Havin kind of a shitty day.

 

The main belief or thought thay feels like poop today is that I'm experiencing doubt and have to do something about it in order to get what I want.

 

I've tried to do Byrok Katie's work on that and I've tried to question it and figure out how to go forward from here but it just goes around in circles.

 

The scale doesn't seem to be much help either.

 

I also probably have to stay up the entire night and tomorrow day to fix the sleep cycle. That's going to suck.

 

That I'm not able to fall asleep and that I should be falling asleep etc feel so bad. Or the thoughts feel bad. I don't know.

 

I don't know if it's the withdrawal from antidepressants, but when I try to fall asleep by force, I get this really confusing feeling / mental state. Like this anguish in the mind. Like the nervous system is in flight or fight with no reason. Very weird bodily sensations. Makes me experience worry that something like psychosis or mental breakdown could suddenly occur.

 

Like the nervous system is alert & stressed & anguished but the mind would very much like to just sleep. Or the other way around.

 

Maybe there's lots of "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts" assumed. Like that I shouldn't be on the phone. I shouldn't drink coffee. I shouldn't sleep during the day too much. I shouldn't push through over 24 hours without sleep. I shouldn't suppress and spend time on the phone and not do the scale or meditate or question thoughts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Blessed2]

3 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:

Havin kind of a shitty day.

 

Is that thought true?

 

Yes.

 

Can you be absolutely certain that it is true?

 

No.

 

How does that thought feel like?

 

Pessimism, frustration, worry, overwhelment, discouragement,

 

Who would you be without that thought?

 

Optimistic, relaxed, relieved, lighthearted, active,

 

"I'm having a great day."

 

- I got lots of leizure time since I'm not going to sleep much or at all tonight.

- I got new shoes and a haircut so that's fun.

- I don't need to worry about stupid small things. I've just got worry goggles on.

 

 

8 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:

I'm experiencing doubt and have to do something about it in order to get what I want.

 

Is that thought true?

 

Yes.

 

Can you be absolutely certain that it is true?

 

No.

 

How does that thought feel like?

 

Doubt, discouragement, despair, pessimism, overwhelment, irritation,

 

Who would you be without that thought?

 

Relaxed, content, relieved, lighthearted, clearheaded, carefree, excited, eager, enthusiastic.

 

"I don't need to do anything about it. I'll still have what I want."

 

- Lots of people experience doubt, yet do succeed.

- I'm not a feeler in time.

- Relaxing is allowing.

 

 

15 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:

I've tried to do Byrok Katie's work on that and I've tried to question it and figure out how to go forward from here but it just goes around in circles.

 

Is that thought true?

 

Not really. I don't think it is.

 

Can you be absolutely certain that it is true?

 

No.

 

How does that thought feel like?

 

Overwhelment, pessimism, frustration, doubt, disappointment.

 

Who would you be without that thought?

 

Hopeful, optimistic,

 

 

 

[Blessed2]

Ignorance is being projected.

 

I think they don't understand, they are stupid, they are cringe, they are not as good as me.

 

I think they're not doing good enough, working enough.

 

I think they're lost, have lots they need to do, they're not enlightened, they're suffering, they will continue suffering.

 

These are all things that I also believe are true, or could be true about me.

 

That belief does not feel great.

 

What does feel better is that I'm already perfect, I don't need to work harder, I don't need to get better. I don't need to find alignment.

 

"But I do need to work harder. I do need to clean my house, stay away from drinking, get mentally well enough to have a job..."

 

Is that thought true?

 

Yes.

 

Can you be absolutely certain that it is true?

 

No.

 

What does that thought feel like?

 

Despair, powerlessness, fear, discouragement, worry, doubt, overwhelment, frustration, pessimism.

 

Who would you be without that thought?

 

Relaxed, lighthearted, kind, joyful, relieved, content, elevated, ecstatic

 

"I do not need to work harder. I do not need to clean my house, stay away from drinking or get mentally better."

 

- I might not be what I think I am.

- "I need to work harder" has always felt off, and will always feel off. The thought is not true.

 

But I do need to clean my house. It won't just magically clean itself if I don't do anything about it.

 

What feels so off about just cleaning it?

 

There's just so much work to do. Cleaning is not fun. And it will be messy again even if I would clean it up. I'm just not able to keep it clean. I'm mentally too unwell. I'm depressed. I'm lethargic. I just can't do it.

 

Hear that? THIS IS WHAT I BELIEVE. 

 

I CAN'T DO IT!

 

YES, I BELIEVE I CAN'T DO IT. I BELIEVE I CAN'T MAKE MY DREAMS COME TRUE. I CAN'T MAKE A MILLION DOLLARS. I CAN'T CLEAN MY HOUSE. I CAN'T HOLD A JOB. I CAN'T EVEN FINISH STUDIES. I CAN'T STOP OVERSPENDING. I CAN'T SAVE MONEY.

 

And I think I can't change that. Maybe I'm just believing thoughts. But I can't let those thoughts go. I try to journal every day. I try to use the emotional scale. I meditate. I try to question thoughts. I try so much every day.

 

Even now I think I'm doing something wrong, because I'm not utilizing the scale as I'm writing this. And because I want to just stop journaling and do something else because this isn't helping.

 

But I don't want to journal and I don't want to use the scale. They won't help. Saying "I'm experiencing the emotion despair and powerlessness" doesn't help.

 

I'm doing my best right now, and it isn't enough.

 

[Blessed2]

Day 25.

 

2 x 20 minutes done.

 

Mini workout done.

 

No drinking.

 

[Blessed2]

Day 26.

 

2 x 20 minutes done.

 

Too tired to do a workout today.

 

No drinking.

 

[Blessed2]

Day 27.

 

2 x 20 minutes done.

 

Forgot to exercise 😂

 

No drinking.

 

[Blessed2]

I really don't want to journal because it's not going to help and I'm fucking angry. I can't stand how I'm feeling.

 

I'm not sleeping again. I stayed awake for an entire night and day and thought that the rhythm would have been fixed. I slept good for like 10 hours last night.

 

I was tired and sleepy during the day.

 

And when I was supposed to go asleep, I almost fell asleep but just somehow snapped out of it and then I was wholly awake and couldn't sleep anymore. There just isn't that feeling of sleepyness so trying to lie down and wait to fall asleep is just frustrating as hell.

 

I'M SO FUCKING ANGRY. WHY AM I NOT FALLING ASLEEP??? IS IT THE FUCKING ANTIDEPRESSANTS OR WHAT????

 

I just get these really intense flashes of rage and anger. I'd like to just scream and punch a hole to the wall. I'd like to bunch a hole through my fucking face.

 

And the doctor isn't answering my message when I asked about the help for quitting nicotine... They could help me with this too.

 

It's so fucking annoying that you can't just walk to a doctor and get help. I could walk to a hospital tomorrow but then I'd only got to see a nurse and they can't prescribe anything.

 

.... And in a few days I have to lower the dose AGAIN. And then the sleep will get fucked up even more.

 

I just hate hate hate it. I want to throw my phone to a wall.

 

I CAN'T FUCKING FUNCTION LIKE THIS. STAYING AWAKE AT NIGHT AND SLEEPING DURING THE DAY. I CAN'T DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT. MY BODY FEELS LIKE SHIT. MY STOMACH FEELS LIKE SHIT. AND I DON'T KNOW WHY. I TRY TO EAT OR EVEN FAST BUT IT DOESN'T GO AWAY.

 

Every day my body just feels so fucking heavy and ill. Constant stomach problems, constant tiredness, lack of energy. It isn't possible to have a job or even study like this. I'm just hopeless. I am not able to do normal human things. I'm just disabled.

 

When I walk through a grocery store or something, I just look at all the people who have normal energy levels and normal tidy clean clothes and faces and they can just wake up in the morning and go to work.

 

They have basic hygiene in check, clean homes, clean cut hair, ther clothes are beautiful and they smell good... Just basic things.

 

Like how some people just have nice clothes and they are always fashionable. They look like fucking actors or something. How do they have so much energy to look like that????? And all the while doing some fucking work in some bank or politics or running a business. How???? 

 

I don't have the energy to fucking fold my clothes into the closet. I just throw them on the floor lol.

 

It's all just so tiring!!! I'm tired! Even the smallest things like washing a few dishes just overwhelm and discourage me.

 

Even STANDING UP STRAIGHT is tiring. ????????????????????? I just lay in the bed most of the day. Is something wrong with my body? Am I missing some vitamins? Do i have some autoimmune disease?

 

Every day when I'm at the grocery store, I just feel like a stinking, unhygienic, untidy, sweaty, tired, ill, miserable bum.

 

And I don't see a way out of this. I know there's so much I should do. I should clean my home, wash dishes, do responsible tidy adult stuff. I've known I should do those things for YEARS, from teens. And all this time I've been waiting for a miracle to happen, to finally have a clean home, clean clothes, energy. But I just can't make that change happen.

 

I'm just too tired. Too tired to even try. Almost too tired to even journal about it.

 

What's really stressing me out right now is that my home is messy as shit. My parents are coming to town in about a month and they'll stay at my place. I have to clean before that. But I just can't. It's so uncomfortable. There's just this huge lump of DESPAIR and discouragement and powerlessness and guilt around the thoughts about it.

 

Like for example if I imagine taking a single fucking piece of plastic and putting it in the trash can, there's just this really heavy, intense, just horrible feeling about that. It feels meaningless. Like life is nothing but a burden. I sometimes experience suicidal thoughts. Just about CLEANING THE HOUSE.

 

SUICIDAL THOUGHTS ABOUT CLEANING THE HOUSE. ABOUT PUTTING TRASH IN THE CAN. ABOUT FOLDING THE CLOTHES.

 

THAT'S FUCKING INSANE.

 

MY LIFE SUCKS.

 

I AM STUCK FEELING LIKE SHIT AND UNABLE TO MAKE LIFE WORK. NOTHING IS HELPING.

 

And there's a thought than I should just pick myself up by the bootstraps and not be so lazy and comfort-seeking and just do it and suck it up.

 

That I should try to clean even one thing. To try at least a little.

 

But I can't. I just can't.

 

I'm hopeless.

 

[Blessed2]

Not feeling that great today either. Still the same worrying about cleaning the house.

 

I wish I found some magic words to journal that would empty the cup or something and suddenly cleanliness would become the norm and and cleaning an enjoyment.

 

I wish I had lots of money so I wouldn't worry about that either.

 

These two worries are like dark clouds. Even if it was shiny outside and birds chirping, inside my mind there would just be cloudy.

 

I know (or assume) I should use correct language, like "I am experiencing the emotion worry" rather than "I'm worried". But I'm just so tired and I don't want to. I judt want to vent without any rules.

 

And I feel guilty about not doing that. That maybe my life would finally start working if I'd journal using the correct form of language or something. Lol. How silly is that.

 

Dark clouds every day. Just ruining the entire day. Day after day. Wasting time. Wasting life.

 

I can't stop worrying but I can't do those simple things that would make me stop worrying about not doing them.