blessed journal

[Blessed2]

Forgot to journal yesterday. Day 13.

 

2 x 25 minutes done.

 

Skipped workout.

 

Walk done. 1,5 hrs

 

No drinking.

 

11 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

At some point I had a thought thay for this person, "me", there might not really be such thing as happiness. Cause it's always in doubt. Happiness is always followed with a shadow of fear.

 

There may be peaceful moments, but they seem to be shadowed with a doubt or worry or fear or agitation that in the future there may not be peace anymore.

 

Or even when it or "I" gets what it wants, it comes with a shadow of fear or worry or stress that I might lose what I got. And to get what it wants in order to be happy is also always in doubt.

 

And for the person, happiness seems to always be in the future. It's never here, readily available. It's like "readily available happiness" just doesn't compute for the logic of the separate self person. It's like Error 404.

 

There is even such a thing as fear of too much happiness! What if I become so happy that something bad happens?

 

Isn't that fucking insane? Isn't that a perfect example of how there literally just is no such thing as happiness for the separate self? Fear that something bad might happen if there was too much happiness.

 

Almost all my time goes on in this search and striving for happiness. Maybe all time actually. It's either seeking happiness, or avoiding uncomfortable emotions. Aaalllll the time. Just constant strain and stress.

 

Maybe it's better to just give up the search for happiness for the person.

 

There might be another possibility.

 

Maybe the whole shebang could just be laid in the hands of something of way greater wisdom and intelligence than whatever the fuck this shitty system has been trying to do.

 

 

One example of this search to have happiness for the character is this sort of obsession and perfectionism with pleasure.

 

For example, some days I think of what I want to eat. And it's this obsessive thinking, trying to find exactly what food would give the most pleasure right now.

 

Then when thw food is acquired, there must be something to do while eating. Watching TV, scrolling through the phone etc. And it's an obsession to find what activity with the eating would bring most pleasure.

 

It's always quite acute. Like it's the most important thing in the world to have the most pleasure out of the meal. As if there was a great scarcity of good feeling and one has to muster up as much of it as possible because soon it might not be available anymore.

 

It's the same thing with alcohol. There's the alcohol, but there also has to be other pleasureable stuff with it. To gather as much pleasure as possible. Lots of thought and effort is put into finding out and managing the biggest amount of pleasure I can get out of it.

 

Everything has to be perfect. Is there's something standing in the way of as much pleasure as possible, there's restlessness and irritability.

 

 

[Blessed2]

Day 14.

 

2 x 25 minutes done.

 

Workout skipped.

 

I did walk.

 

I drank alcohol today. Met with friends who drink a lot & are stumbling on the same trouble of alcohol.

 

[Blessed2]

Day 15.

 

2 x 25 minutes done.

 

Workout done.

 

Didn't have time for a walk.

 

No drinking.

 

[Blessed2]

When I tried self-inquiry, during the meditation really, really intense feelings of frustration, despair and powerlessness came up.

 

Those emotions, like intense peaks of despair, depression, powerlessness has been appearing lately.

 

It might have to do with lowering the dose of the meds.

 

It also seems to be connected to the self-inquiry.

 

Just the most gut-wrenching moments of self-referential crap goggles.

 

This song comes to mind:

 

 

Guilt.

 

Like for example right now, I know I should be trying to sleep. But there's a really unconfortable feeling in the body, there's an itchy nose, dry lips, sort of allergic feeling. The jaw is tense. Thighs are tense. Feeling of fear, despair and powerlessness.

 

And insecurity & guilt. I should be sleeping. I should be cleaning my home. A doctor will call me at some point and the call will be embarassing. I'm not being honest with people. I shouldn't over-spend. 

 

Everything I’ve ever done
Everything I ever do
Every place I’ve ever been
Everywhere I’m going to
It’s a sin

 

 

Edited March 24 by Blessed2

[Blessed2]

Day 16.

 

2 x 25 minutes done.

 

Skipped workout.

 

Walk done.

 

No drinking.

 

 

[Blessed2]

Day 17.

 

2 x 25 minutes done.

 

Workout done.

 

Walk done.

 

No drinking.

 

[Blessed2]

I went looking for new clothes today, just from some thrift shop. I felt good about that idea first, but then while I was getting there, I started to feel quite shitty, and I've been feeling shitty ever since. Just total depression. Nothing is working. Just carrying all this weight around for no reason. And even as I want to drop it, I don't seem to even succeed in that. Just pointless shitty day again. Just depression. I don't want to use some emotional scale language. Just depression.

 

Didn't find any clothes. Kind of knew that already the moment I saw the thrift shop. Didin't even really feel like looking for any clothes, just felt so shitty and knew that nothing fun would happen today. I knew that all the coming hours and days and weeks and months would just be this same depression, nothing would change, I wouldn't get any cool insights, my life wouldn't change for better suddenly, all my problems and suffering wouldn't be lifted.

 

Then I walked to another thrift shop and saw that they sold a lot of books there. So I went to check them out and there wasn't anything interesting. Then I saw that they had this little corner where they gave stuff away for free and saw more books there. Walked in, and almost instantly I saw a book with a familiar name written on it. Richard Bach. I've read Jonathan Livingston Seagull from him and also Illusions. Richard Bach seems to be a quite successful author, or at least so wikipedia says. That Jonathan & Illusions were both top sellers during the 70s. But I have no idea why. I have no idea how on earth his books have been so popular. They're kind of weird, an in my opinion quite badly written. I'm just totally lost as to why in the hell so many people read his books. He just writes some weird stuff about flying planes and spirituality, and at least I as a reader am totally lost as to who this guy even is and why the hell does he write these weird books and why they are so popular.

 

And I have no idea why the fuck I have read his books! They suck ass and make me feel uncomfortable. I never really find any insights from them, it's like he's sharing the same things I'm already thinking.

 

The book that was being given away was one I've heard about before when I was googling the author. It's some kind of a weird autobiographical novel about finding his soulmate. I had read the description of the book, and I always felt really weirded oit about the whole book. Why does he think anyone would be interested in hearing some weird story about him flying planes and seeking & finding a soulmate? And why is that book also so popular and why do so many people give good reviews of it? I always felt repelled of that book.

 

Yet there it was and it was free to take. So I thought what the hell, let's give it a chance.

 

Weirdly I kind of already felt like there was a reason why I went thrift shopping, even when I wasn't finding any clothes and before I found the book. It just didn't make sense that this shitty trip to a thirft store would be for nothing.

 

So I guess this book was what I was meant to find.

 

I've read a couple of pages and there's some weird synchronicities. Like I mentioned earlier, it's like he's showcasing exactly the same kind of thoughts or views I already have. It's like we're very similar thinkers/personalities.

 

But it's probably nothing. Just a shitty book, and nothing will change, no magic happens, no miracle, not even slightly better feeling. Yeah, his philosophy or whatever sounds cool, being the creator or the world / existence being our limitless playground or whatever, but none of that works, miracles don't happen, I can't do magic, I can't rise on the emotional scale, and life is just a burden.

 

[Blessed2]

This visual came in mind today. It's basically how I've been thinking about my life:

 

 

I see myself on the failure-side pretty much all day every day. And I try and try all day every day to get to the top side.

 

It seems to be that if I don't effort / work very, very, very hard (like climbing a mountain), the failure/bad stuff is where I naturally just am. When I'm lazy, I'm on the bottom side. To be on the top side, I'd have to work really hard.

 

Sometimes, for one day some things might be on the top side, but I fall back down quite soon.

 

The bottom side seems to be the natural side. Like gravity pulls a stone down.

 

Here's another thought: if getting or remaining on the top side would require any effort or work at all, I wouldn't even want it. Call me entitled, but I just am not open to settle for that. If there is even a whiff of effort to be on the top side, I instantly back down and bury my head in sand. And I don't even want to be different in this regard. I just don't want to effort or work.

 

This is why I often say that a miracle needs to happen. Cause I'm not going to effort to get to the top side. Something that's totally outside of this box is what's needed.

 

When that visual came in mind, the word "game" came also. It's like that's a visual representetion of a "game of life" I've been playing. Then an idea came in mind that maybe I could just leave this game and play something else. That would be an example of a miracle maybe. But for that shift to happen, something would have to change, and I don't see what or how.

 

Honestly, I don't think anything will change.

 

[Blessed2]

Day 18.

 

2 x 25 minutes done.

 

Missed workout.

 

Walk done.

 

No drinking.

 

 

Kinda losing hope here guys. These past few days have been pretty rough.

 

I don't know what happened when this challenge began. It seemed like I was doing really good but then suddenly something happened and now it's been really hard.

 

The meditation sessions feel like a chore. I think of quitting or doing shorter sessions all the time. But there is this thought that if I quit or did less, maybe I would not get the results I want. That maybe I need to push myself and not slack off.

 

I don't really know what to say. Sometimes I wish that I could just make others know how bad I'm feeling. I don't know why. Maybe I just feel so hopeless that I'd like to have some kind of support or something. But I don't know if there's really anything anyone could say to help.

 

Especially today has just been classic, classic type of what they call depression. Self-loathing, guilt tripping, despair, hopelessness.

 

So much worry and guilt and despair.

 

And my life is just not what I want, I'm powerless to change it.

 

In some weird way I might not even want to have the power to change it. I don't want to do anything anymore. "Where there is me, there is no happiness, but misery." Maybe some transient moments of "happiness", but it's not real.

 

Last night I experienced something odd. It was like the first time I ever actually, or clearly experienced suicidal consideration. These thoughts of despair and powerlessness washed over, and I had a thought that "Welp, there is really only two paths forward. Either I just go through this life and fail miserably just like it's been going so far, or I actually plan and end this life."

 

But then a thought appeared that even death wouldn't be an answer, since I'm still there in that path. I would die. I would be dead. Still subject-object. Where there is me, there is no happiness.

 

It's that subject-object that has to go. Self-awareness, self-judgement, self-introspection has to go. And by self I mean this separate entity who could be guilty or do bad things or be responsible (for example).

 

The same thought came in mind as I just meditated. The thought of focusing on an object like a body part or breath felt very off. That there is a me focusing on something.

 

Then I saw the meditation as this kind of a pointless rat race, or hamster wheel. It's just not going to get anywhere, when there is subject and object.

 

When there is subject & object, it's like a mountain. And the mountain will never be crossed. It's a hamster wheel.

 

If the mountain could be crossed, it would already be crossed.

 

That's a perfect way to discern a hamster wheel from something real.

 

If it's real, it's already done. Finished. If it worked, it would have already worked.

 

If it's a hamster wheel, it is (at best) done at some point in the future.

 

 

[WhiteOwl]

 

2 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

In some weird way I might not even want to have the power to change it. I don't want to do anything anymore. "Where there is me, there is no happiness, but misery." Maybe some transient moments of "happiness", but it's not real.

2 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

Especially today has just been classic, classic type of what they call depression. Self-loathing, guilt tripping, despair, hopelessness.

This might be what they call classic depression, but here its called classic  self-referential thoughts and the resulting feeling that comes from believing them. And honestly, its really the truth, stick to the latter.

 

Try expressing jealousy. Take your power back and talk about all the things you see others have or do. There is some comparison happening for you express these things. What does others have that you don't?

 

You are not falling off track, thats not possible. You are believing thoughts about it and feeling the corresponding off-ness. 

 

 

On your picture with sobriety, clean home etc. Maybe start with just one of them and take small steps towards that and don't mind any of the others. If they happen thats great, but maybe see it more as a marathon than a sprint right now. You can change your situation around completely with small steps. Doing all at once rarely works. Never did for me at least.

 

You got this mate. What you are doing is fundamental for the rest of your life. Its not always "easy" but its deeply worthwhile. There is no failure, keep it up ❤️ 

 

Edited March 28 by WhiteOwl

[A Tim]

2 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

The meditation sessions feel like a chore. I think of quitting or doing shorter sessions all the time. But there is this thought that if I quit or did less, maybe I would not get the results I want. That maybe I need to push myself and not slack off.

Been here. Precisely here. Sometimes I did shorten them. So what?

 

The goal was a sit, no matter length, for me. Some stretches I could do 2x60 minutes. Don't fight with it. Sometimes it's 2x10 minutes. So be it. 

 

I would get all mental wondering why I wasn't where "they" were and why couldn't I concentrate like "them." Why am I not... blah blah blah. It's all bullshit. All of it. Don't believe any of it. Any of the words in your head about any of this are bullshit. My words are probably bullshit. Only you'll know. 

 

One day, while sitting quietly, the universe smacked me in the forehead with a baseball bat. Universal facepalm sort of thing. It's just that simple. How silly; realizing your hand was grasped around a bag full of stones and all you had to do was let go and walk on. It's unremarkable and absurd. 

 

You do see it. Right now, you see it. You don't acknowledge it for the total lack of... interest in it. There's no story, so it's more interesting and exciting to grab onto the tale that appears. 

 

Just sit quietly. Or don't. It's right here, either way, waiting for no one. 

 

If you're interested in a story - the entire cosmos expends maximum effort on every front for this moment. Right now. That's it. Everything goes into it and yet it's not anything. Therefore, whatever you're experiencing is for you on behalf of the entire cosmos. Sometimes it's shit. 

[Blessed2]

11 hours ago, WhiteOwl said:

Try expressing jealousy. Take your power back and talk about all the things you see others have or do. There is some comparison happening for you express these things. What does others have that you don't?

 

Well... Many people seem to have energy I don't have.

 

Like for example, when I go to a grocery store or shopping etc, I see people who have super stylish and clean looks, they go to work every day 9-5 or more, they run businesses, they have lots of friends, they lead active, succeasful life.

 

When I wake up in the morning, my whole body hurts. I'm lethargic. Even standing up and making a coffee cup or going to the bathroom to pee is a chore. But those other people wake up and go to work, looking energetic and amazing. I don't understand how they are able to do that.

 

And even more so, there are crazy succesful people like some politicians or big CEOs. How are they able to run and manage entire companies, parties, these huge organizations? I can't even manage a single day! I can't fucking clean my home or keep my clothes clean and tidy.

 

It's not like I'm asking much... I don't have to be a CEO or be even materially successful per se. Just clean home, simple employment, clean clothes, paid bills, self-reliability and responsibility would be success for me. But I just can't even get that done.

 

[Blessed2]

@A Tim Thank you 🙏

[Blessed2]

Day 19.

 

2 x 25 minutes done.

 

Workout done.

 

Walk done.

 

 

 

[Blessed2]

The separate self seeks peace, yet if/when it finds it, there is a discomfort cause the peace may be lost. That is not really peace.

 

Peace or happiness is sought by trying this and that, doing this and that, filling any requirements the peace/happiness holds. Yet if it can be found by doing the right things, it can only be lost if you happen to do the wrong things. That ain't peace or happiness.

 

If it can be found, it can also be lost. If it can be acquired by meeting certain requirements, it is not water proof because those requirements can be failed to meet.

 

There just isn't any real peace in this equation. You just run around never really being able to truly rest.

 

 

[Blessed2]

Day 20.

 

2 x 25 minutes done.

 

Workout done.

 

Walk done.

 

No drinking.

 

 

I cleaned up at my house today. Didn't get everything done, but I washed all the dishes and stuff like that. But maybe that's a little victory still.

 

It was crazy cause I had planned to have a cleaning day today. But when I woke up in the morning, I felt horrible. I took very, very small steps toward getting ready to clean. There was tons of despair and powerlessness. Even suicidal thoughts. I was right at the brink to give up the plan and start drinking in the middle of the day. But then I took just a little while to sit quietly, not even meditate but just sit and feel body sensations. Then a slightly better feeling thought appeared and I put on some music and started washing dishes. It was really just the music that did the trick. Taking those few steps from the couch to the stereo system really helped a lot.

 

I was very close to start drinking later too. I gotta say it's pretty much just grace that kept me from going down with it. Just kept myself busy until it was too late to even get any alcohol.

 

It's not possible to buy alcohol here after 21:00, only bars are open. Luckily I don't really like drinking in bars, So the days when the craving/urge is strong, I just gotta keep myself from buying any until it's too late. After that it's easy. Sometimes it hangs by a thread. There has been moments when I have been literally outisde, walking toward a store to buy drinks but then I manage to take just a minute or two or three to pause, maybe literally stand in front of the grocery store. And then a thought comes, that maybe I can get through just tonight without drinking. And then I stay sober. It's pretty much just grace, truly.

 

And when the day is over and I stayed sober, I'm so grateful for it. Thank God for a sober day. And thank God for the alcohol laws in this country.

 

 

[Blessed2]

Day 21.

 

2 x 25 minutes done.

 

Workout done.

 

Walk done.

 

No drinking.

 

 

It was a good day today. Cleaned the house a bit more. Ate healthier foods. Entertained a thought to join a gym and start working out.

 

It got pretty close to drinking again but got through it. Thank God for a sober day. 🙏

 

 

[Blessed2]

Day 22.

 

2 x 25 minutes done.

 

Walk done.

 

Workout done.

 

No drinking. 🙏🙏

 

 

In a zoom call some time ago Phil mentioned something about "just staying positive". Today that hit me a bit. I mean just staying positive.

 

I was just thinking about some stuff, something about getting old and that I will grow old and eventually be an old man. All these worries I have right now got really small somehow, and the point of "just staying positive" really hit.

 

It's such a simple thing but very powerful.

 

[Blessed2]

Day 23.

 

2 x 25 minutes done.

 

Walk done.

 

Workout done.

 

No drinking.

 

 

There was moments today when I felt the unobscured flow. Great feeling.

 

[Blessed2]

Day 25.

 

2 x 25 minutes done.

 

Walk done.

 

Workout done.

 

No drinking.

 

 

Did some cleaning today. It was actually quite fun.