Blessed2 Posted February 12 Author Share Posted February 12 Day 4. 2 x 20 minutes done. 20 push-ups done. Kind of shitty day. I've modified the basic meditation technique a bit. I repeat with the internal voice "not me" for the muscle area, until there is a very subtle misidentification and relaxation. When a difficult emotion arises, I say to it "you belong". Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed2 Posted February 13 Author Share Posted February 13 (edited) Day 5. 1 x 25 minutes 1 x 10 minutes 1 x 20 minutes done. 20 push-ups done. I will add staying sober for the rest of this challenge. Was sober today. Edited February 13 by Blessed2 Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed2 Posted February 13 Author Share Posted February 13 Today I've been having thoughts about living alcohol free. Though there's this one thought that feels like worry, and doubt. I'm going for a trip in a few months with some friends, and I know (assume) that they will probably drink a lot. I know they will want to go to bars etc. I still want to go on the trip with them, and we already have tickets. And I know that they would respect my decision to not drink. But I have thoughts like "what if I feel bored, see them drinking, and will not be able to stay sober?" I usually don't like going to bars, even if I drink, but the alcohol makes it easier. If they want to go to a bar, can I not go? It would suck to sit there. I would feel bored. (I assume). Honestly... I kinda don't want to spend time with people if they drink and I don't. Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed2 Posted February 14 Author Share Posted February 14 Day 6. 4 x 20 minutes done. 20 push-ups done. No drinking. Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed2 Posted February 15 Author Share Posted February 15 I'm so tired of the constant arguing and nonsense on this forum. It's like some users are not even using this forum for it's intended purpose but for some other bullshit. It's irritating to see. I guess I wouldn't see / feel irritated though if it was not projection. There isn't a doer there, just words appearing. A body is just a walking corpse. Sigh I'm experiencing the emotion irritation and impatience. I'm experiencing the emotion pessimism. I'm experiencing the emotion boredom. I am experiencing the emotion contentment. I am experiencing the emotion hopefulness. I am experiencing the emotion optimism. I am experiencing the emotion happiness. I am experiencing the emotion passion. I am experiencing the emotion appreciation. I'm just the two spheres and creating my reality. Great things are coming. It's just about focus. Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed2 Posted February 15 Author Share Posted February 15 (edited) Day 7. 3 x 20 minutes done. Push-ups and ab workout done. Watched a Paul Hedderman zoom video. Didn't drink. Had a 24 hour juice fast. The fast was way harder than I thought. But it was interesting. Will try water fast later. Edited February 15 by Blessed2 Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed2 Posted February 16 Author Share Posted February 16 Wondering today that what if I'm not who I think I am? What if I'm totally wrong about who or what I am? What if it's like believing I'm Santa Claus and worrying about Santa stuff. When I'm just not Santa Claus. Wouldn't it be kind of imperative to first figure out who I am and go from there? Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed2 Posted February 16 Author Share Posted February 16 Day 8. 2 x 20 minutes done. Added some self-inquiry to the end of the sessions. 20 push-ups and ab curls. No drinking. Tomorrow cleaning day. Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed2 Posted February 18 Author Share Posted February 18 Day 9. Forgot to journal last night. 2 x 20 minutes done. Cleaned the house a bit. Did only 10 push-ups. 😞 Forgot the other ten. No drinking. Today I'm trying a water fast. Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed2 Posted February 18 Author Share Posted February 18 Day 10. 3 x 20 minutes done. Did some ab curls. No drinking. ~24 hour water fast. It feels good when I don't eat during the first hours of the day. More clarity. Maybe I'll see if skipping breakfast and lunch is a good fit. Like only eating between 16 - 20 or something. Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed2 Posted February 18 Author Share Posted February 18 (edited) Experiencing doubt about financial situation. I'd like to "get there". I have a desire to have a steady income. To do (fun) work. To finally be the "grown up" me I've been waiting and wanting to be for so long. Days just go by without doing anything like that (work, success). And I don't see how I could do anything particular to move toward that dream tomorrow. (Literally tomorrow. And the day and a week after that etc.) I could google some open job opportunities, like I have a couple of times lately, but none of them seem like that opportunity that I'd be willing to take. Cause I doubt whether I could actually pull that off, to go to the interview and be a responsible employee. I haven't been responsible like that before, and I doubt I could be that. This connects to a dream I saw last night actually. I was sitting on a bus which was actually this Mercedes offroad van-size bus, and it drove on water! The driver was driving so fast that the wheels just kept it going and it was like a regular route for that bus to drive over a lake. When it got to the shore, it kept driving literally in the middle of a thick forest. Like total offroad. My destination was this weird forest theatre, to which I had signed up for. Like the theatre group was looking for new people and I had volunteered for it. I had even had a talk about with my girlfriend and I had told her that I would be going there and starting in the theatre. Not as an actor per se, maybe just as some assistant. The bus got there, and it was just this log cottage next to the lake in the middle of the forest. It seemed fun and cozy, but when I was supposed to get off the bus, I chickened out. Had thoughts of worry about what if they don't like me, or what if I don't like them etc etc. It was a very familiar feeling which I have experienced very often before going to a new place to meet new people. This cold, worrying, insecure energy. Makes the stomach feel unsure. This is the emotion which is keeping me from trying lots of things, like new hobbies or volunteering. I guess the emotion is insecurity. So I stayed on the bus. It turned around and continued back the way it came. I felt so guilty and disappointed at myself for not going there. I cried on the bus, literally moaning. It almost felt like physical, kind of feverish pain. It's interesting how in so so many dreams I have water in form of a lake, a river, a canal or an ocean. I want to express very specifically what I would like to have. I'd like to meet someone who would offer me a job. Someone who I'd first get to know, and they'd get to know me. That I could first express to them my insecurity, worry and doubt, and they'd allow and come forward with compassion and understanding. Then I'd feel safe to give the job a try. This is what I'd pretty much like to happen tomorrow. The opposite of that would be a job interview in which the employer would be cold, kind of "capitalistic", judgemental, "you're no good if your insecurity and laziness keeps you from showing up every time." In my mind's eye I see this very materialistic & status-oriented woman who holds very rigid judgements, capitalistic, 'everyone for their own' beliefs. In the example of what I want the mind's eye sees a warm, kind, carebear-type, forgiving, flexible, community-oriented, perhaps a bit older woman. Interesting that they're both women though. I have had some experiences of those "cold" employment vibes. For example, some years ago, while depression and social anxiety was at it's peak, I had an opportunity to try a supported "job" for mental health. Basically, I got welfare but had to go to work like two or three days a week for a couple of hours. I started in this big grocery store near where I lived. I had a little interview with the owner, who was very professional, just the type of a person you'd imagine running a big grocery store. Intensive, focused, maybe a bit stressed out, the type of a business owner who has a problem with blood pressure. She wasn't unfriendly though. I was given the company uniform thing and told what to do. I worked there for that 1 day and never showed up again. It just felt so cold. The emotion insecurity. Felt vulnerable. They never even texted me when I didn't show up the next day. After that I tried the same supported job thing at some thrift shop. Again, I worked 1 day and never showed up again. Just couldn't do it. That's what I wouldn't want to experience ever again. Edited February 18 by Blessed2 Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed2 Posted February 19 Author Share Posted February 19 Day 11. 2 x 20 minutes 1 x 10 minutes done. 20 push-ups done. No drinking!! (a week sober now) I almost drank today. It was really hard. Lots of discouragement, worry, pessimism, sometimes even despair that is this fighting against the craving ever going to stop. Do I need to fight it every day for the rest of my life? ☹️ Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed2 Posted February 20 Author Share Posted February 20 Day 12. 3 x 20 minutes done. 20 push-ups done. No drinking. Today's insight: In terms of LOA, the point is not to rise "my vibration". Like for example, it would seem quite impossible to rise "my vibration" to match a lottery win. But to experience thoughts that match that vibration... Far simpler. And "me" is a thought. Awareness is not aware of a character 'me'. That character is content of thought. Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed2 Posted February 20 Author Share Posted February 20 I just did the emotional scale from boredom cause I'm getting ready to sleep, though not that tired and there is no interesting book or threads or videos to watch. Something interesting happens when passion comes. Optimism has been getting clearer lately, I'm seeing with greater clarity what optimism/positive expectation feels like and what kind of interpretations/thoughts/perspectives feel that way. Eagerness/Happiness/Enthusiasm is somewhat clear. Though I guess it's this one and passion where some trouble arises. It's basically that my life seems to be spinning wheels and not getting anywhere. I'd like to have a steady good income, I'd likd to have places to go and stuff to do during the day... Hobbies, a project, friends, work etc. I'd like to have that. Now it's kinda just waking up and not having much to do. And I'm not sure as to how go about it. Yeah, it seems quite obvious and simple in that I could just go have a job interview or start a hobby or volunteer somewhere, but there are thoughts about that which feel like insecurity, worry, doubt. Cause there's unwillingness to take such action, it's kinda just waiting for it to happen. To walk to my door by itself so to speak. Kind of similar to waiting for a lottery win to have millions vs. planning and acting on making millions happen. So then, especially when it gets to passion, there appear thoughts like "it's not going to just come to my door and get me". And thoughts like "can what I want just appear simply by aligning thought with feeling?" Like I mentioned earlier, I'd like to just meet someone and they would offer be a job or a hobby or something after I feel safe and secure with them. What would really be the chances for that to happen? So I guess I'm experiencing the emotion doubt. Not sure why all that comes up especially at passion. As I look into it, again I get this kind of intuitive feeling of wheels spinning but not moving ahead. That comes with the emotion impatience. Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed2 Posted February 20 Author Share Posted February 20 8 minutes ago, Blessed2 said: And I'm not sure as to how go about it. Yeah, it seems quite obvious and simple in that I could just go have a job interview or start a hobby or volunteer somewhere, but there are thoughts about that which feel like insecurity, worry, doubt. Cause there's unwillingness to take such action, it's kinda just waiting for it to happen. To walk to my door by itself so to speak. Kind of similar to waiting for a lottery win to have millions vs. planning and acting on making millions happen. Nothing is really stopping me, but myself, or my worry and fear. But I can't see how I could get to a place where that worry wouldn't stop me. The thought of going to a job interview for example... Huge resistance, or discordant interpretation. And if I don't go to a job interview, then what am I doing to move forward? What can I do? I'm not moving forward. Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed2 Posted February 21 Author Share Posted February 21 (edited) I'm having strong cravings to drink today. I've been sober for over a week now... And it would suck to fail today. Again having thoughts like "even if I get through this day sober, tomorrow or day after that I'll have to fight again." Yet if I drink, that doesn't really change anything either. Maybe I'd feel better for a few hours, but then I'd be back in square one basically. Every morning I wake up without a hungover, I'm so grateful. Every night that I go to sleep sober, I'm grateful. Every few days it hangs by a thread. Today is a day like that. Or this moment is a day like that. The thought of just being home alone, drinking, scrolling through the internet, eating something, it feels good. There's a sense of relief. Being out of the pessimism, being out of this fighting even for a moment. The thought of waking up the next morning (or in the middle of the night) and feeling horrible and disappointed feels off. The thought of not drinking today feels off too. Or perhaps the interpretation. "Nothing fun is going to happen today so what's the point?" "Drinking would be so much more fun than anything I could do sober today." I have the crap goggles on. But it doesn't seem like crap goggles now. It seems like how it just is. But when the crap goggles are not on, it's obvious. Today is so fucking useless!! There is nothing fun! I'm on the edge. And even if I got through this day, it would still be the same later. Nothing good is coming. Fuck these crap goggles. I don't even enjoy drinking on it's own. It's just for making other stuff more enjoyable. Like eating or watching movies. Without drinking, watching movies etc. is just boring as hell. So I got nothing to do today. Edited February 21 by Blessed2 Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed2 Posted February 21 Author Share Posted February 21 (edited) Day 13. 4 x 20 minutes done. 20 push-ups done. No drinking. Today's insight: As separate self, or the "character", there's always effort and burden. Even winning the lottery holds burden for/as separate self. As the two spheres though... There is no burden. As the two spheres stuff like manipulation also makes zero sense whatsoever. Edited February 21 by Blessed2 Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed2 Posted February 22 Author Share Posted February 22 (edited) Day 14. 3 x 20 minutes done. A little full body workout done. No drinking. The meditation has felt quite uncomfortable past couple days. As I do the basic meditation relaxation technique, the muscles don't seem to really relax. The mind wanders. Then lots of frustration come up. Giving space to the emotion and telling it "you belong" over and over. Edited February 23 by Blessed2 Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed2 Posted February 23 Author Share Posted February 23 Day 15. 2 x 20 minutes done. A little workout. No drinking. Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed2 Posted February 24 Author Share Posted February 24 The meditation practice has been starting to get a bit hard. In the beginning of the challenge, the muscles had subtle relaxation and the mind was calmer. Now the relaxation is harder to make happen and the mind is more active. It's frustrating and I'm doubting whether there's even a point to continue the daily practice. These are thoughts that are to be let go though. I'm experiencing the emotion doubt in regard to this entire path thing. And disappointment. I am experiencing the emotion disappointment. I am experiencing the emotion overwhelment. I am experiencing the emotion impatience. I am experiencing the emotion pessimism. I am experiencing the emotion boredom. I am experiencing the emotion contentment. I am experiencing the emotion hopefulness. I am experiencing the emotion optimism. I am experiencing the emotion enthusiasm. I am experiencing the emotion passion. I am experiencing the emotion appreciation. Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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