blessed journal

[Blessed2]

Ugh. Again I'm journaling even though I don't really want to and it isn't helping.

 

I just don't want to hold it all in anymore. I just don't want to play that game anymore. That sort of unconscious waiting game. Keeping your mouth shut game.

 

I'm bored. There's nothing fun to do.

 

There's no exciting insights to wonder on.

 

There's no life-changing good events happening tomorrow.

 

Just pointless today. Pointless night.

 

Not even good food to eat. No alcohol to drink.

 

Not even hot headed drama debates on the forum.

 

BORING!

 

"I should meditate."

 

No I don't want to

 

I don't wantt tooooooooo

 

It's so boooooring and no enlightenment or cool mystical experienced are going to happen.

 

Life just sucks.

 

Life just sucks.

 

BORING.

 

POINTLESS.

 

NO LOTTERY WINS.

 

NO DREAM HOUSE.

 

NONE OF THAT COMING TOMORROW.

 

Not going to magically manifest all that cool stuff I want tomorrow.

 

The things on my dreamboard are not manifesting, none of that stuff hasn't come.

 

Life's just boring as hell and nothing fun ever happens. Dreams don't come true. Miracles don't happen. Magic isn't real.

 

Scale wise this is pessimism I guess.

 

But there's no point in trying to get to boredom or contentment etc.

 

It's not going to work either way. It never really works. I never succeed in that.

 

And I feel guilty for not even trying.

 

Fear that it's my fault that life isn't working. That I'm just not trying enough.

 

 

[Blessed2]

Day 28.

 

2 x 20 minutes done.

 

Ab workout done.

 

No drinking.

 

 

Journaling again. Not feelin like it, but not feeling like doing nothing about it either.

 

Pessimism still.

 

Not feeling sleepy, though I should sleep.

 

There just isn't anything fun or happy to focus on.

 

Mostly just worries. About money.

 

Shame about money. Wanting to hide it all. Wanting to hide my shortcomings. I don't want anyone to see.

 

Every day I know what I should do, and every day I do what I shouldn't do.

 

Guilt after guilt after guilt

 

All I do every day is "wrong" or every moment I'm doing something else than what I should be doing.

 

If I was doing what I should be doing, tomorrow I'd wake up early, I'd exercise, then meditate, them eat a healthy and cheap breakfast, then go do some real work to have real income, then I'd eat healthy and cheap lunch at work, then I'd get home which is clean, I'd pay the bills (which would be cheaper than they are now because I would always look for the best deals in everything because everything should be as cheap and efficient as possible) then I'd make healthy and cheap dinner, I'd eat it mindfully without any screens, then I'd wash the dishes, then I'd spend the rest of the day exercising, meditating, and then go asleep at the right time to wake up again tomorrow like a real responsible adult should do.

 

That's what my life should look like. That's what I think would be "right". If any of those things would be done not perfectly, I'd feel guilt, worry, unworthiness.

 

But here's how my days actually go by:

 

I wake up in the middle of the day, the first thing I do is ingest nicotine and coffee, then I spend an hour or two on the phone, then I meditate and eat something, then I'm on the phone again for some time, all the while ingesting nicotine constantly and occasionally coffee. Then I maybe have a walk outside for 40 minutes. Then I'm on the phone again. Then I eat something, sometimes OK, sometimes unhealthy. Then I'm on the phone. Then I meditate and get ready to sleep and I'm on the phone. Then I just wait to feel sleepy enough to fall asleep. And the next day is the same.

 

All the while feeling worry, guilt, despair about it all, about not doing what I should be doing.

 

About using nicotine and spending way too much money on it.

 

About spending too much money on food.

 

About being so much on the phone.

 

About not cleaning up the house.

 

About not having a job or studying.

 

 

It just breaks my heart what life feels like to me.

 

It breaks my heart that I can't do the right things.

 

It breaks my heart that focusing on trying to find the cheapest groceries is just too uncomfortable and I just choose whatever is easiest in that moment, without thinking tomorrow or thinking financially.

 

It breaks my heart that I seem to know it's all my fault.

 

It breaks my heart that life isn't how it should be nor how I'd like it to be. And that I can't change it. That I can barely even journal here and meditate a bit.

 

I know I should do the scale, try more, effort more.

 

I know I should meditate more, use the right technique, force attention even more intensely.

 

I know what my parents would like to see, what they would like me to do. They would like to see what I wrote all the shoulds about.

 

But I'm doing the should nots. Every day. All day.

 

If they knew what really was going on, they'd be devastated. They would say I'm mentally ill, they'd say I should go see a doctor, get back to taking meds. That would then be the "should".

 

They'd probably say that I should see if I might have ADD or something like that, get the diagnosis and get the right kind of pills and the right kind of healthcare. Or at least my mom would probably say that. My dad is even worse. I know he just thinks it's all about laziness, selfishness and unwillingness to be uncomfortable.

 

But that's all they say. What if that doesn't work? What do they think doctors and pills do? What do they fucking expect?

 

I've had those talks with them, many times. I've kind of hit the rock bottom over and over and they just can't really say anything else to it than to seek professional help.

 

It's never "we're here to just listen". They might say that, but they don't actually just listen, what they actually do is that they give a should which is: seek professional help.

 

And along with that, it always becomes a debate. When I open my mouth, they think the things I say are something they oughta debate against. A specific example would be one time when I talked about how I feel like doing any work is just so uncomfortable, that the thought of having a job makes me feel like I'm suffocating. They started debating against it. They saw it as if I was challenging their beliefs or something. I was just venting. I would have just liked for them to know how bad I was feeling, how I felt like I was drowning, just losing all hope and having suicidal thoughts even.

 

Because it always just turns into debate with them, how it just isn't "safe" or possible to simply vent... I just don't open up to them. I don't share what's really going on.

 

It's also why I don't really like seeing them. Why every christmas I dream of spending the holidays alone.

 

I sometimes wish my parents died so I'd feel more free.

 

 

 

[Blessed2]

*sigh" I'm journaling again!!!

 

What is happening?? I just woke up and it's a day like any other and there's discord and I just don't want it and then I just get this feeling to open the journal. Journaling fucking sucks but something is just pushing me here again and again.

 

I don't even know what to journal.

 

The plannfor today was to finally have a big clean up st the house but no I'm not feeling like it all. I don't want to do it.

 

Pointlessss

 

So boring.

 

There's nothing happy today.

 

Just a useless day.

 

Life is just heartbreakingly dull and joyless.

 

Worries streaming through the mind.

 

Today is going to be a bad day and there's nothing I can do about it. No journaling will change that.

 

[Blessed2]

You know that you have crap goggles on when you experience the first two bars of the emotional scale.

 

And when you notice you have crap goggles on, DO NOT BELIEVE ANY THOUGHT. EVERY THOUGHT IS BULLSHIT WHEN YOU HAVE THE CRAP GOGGLES ON.

 

"I am having crap goggles on and everything I see is FALSE."

 

Even time, memories and what you think you know about the future is distorted and deceptive when crap goggles are on.

 

Like The Matrix. You're being decieved about the entirety of life, existence, past, future, EVERYTHING. IT IS A FALSE REALITY.

 

You may doubt what I'm saying, BUT EVEN THAT IS THE DOING OF THE CRAP GOGGLES.

 

What to do about the goggles?

 

Nothing really.

 

Just sit with it. Wait it out. They will go off.

 

"Just wait?! But tomorrow is going to be the same..."

 

THAT'S THE CRAP GOGGLES.

 

Edited March 8 by Blessed2

[Blessed2]

Forgot to journal yesterday.

 

Day 29. 

 

2 x 20 minutes done.

 

Forgot exercise.

 

No drinking.

 

[Blessed2]

What do I want to feel today?

 

Excitement, optimism, enthusiasm, passion, liberation, well-being, empowerment, contentment, happiness.

 

[Blessed2]

Maybe pessimism and/or boredom is just good.

 

Like when there appears a thought that you I know something, the reaction to that thought is easily to try to get to know.

 

But what would happen if you just sit with not knowing?

 

Similarly, what about just sitting with pessimism or boredom?

 

I am experiencing the emotion pessimism.

 

And I don't think that pessimism will ever go away, I don't think I'l ever get the change for better in my life that I want.

 

Now let's just sit with it.

 

 

[Blessed2]

Get ready folks, it's Blessed2 and his cringy fixation with winning the lottery again!

 

I feel like calling stuff "heartbreaking" constantly.

 

It's heartbreaking that I just can't win the lottery. I could play today, but ya know, I know I wouldn't win. Can I be absolutely certain about that? No. What I can be absolutely certain about is that there is only a very, very small probability to win. Something like 1 in a hundred million.

 

It's heartbreaking cause I really really want to have that freedom, to have the house I actually want, not settle for less. To not have this constant worry about money stuff. To just relax and do what I really want to do.

 

I also don't believe that I could make that much money by myself. I wouldn't be able to earn that much.

 

And even if I could, I don't want to work for it. It would be something absolute shit like running a business I don't really like to be doing.

 

I'm not going to have my dream house 😞

 

I'm not going to win the lottery.

 

I won't have that freedom.

 

It's just not going to happen.

 

However much I try to manifest it, align thought with feeling etc.

 

The universe is just laughing.

 

And if thought was aligned with feeling, at that point I probably wouldn't even want or care about winning the lottery.

 

So the universe is just laughing.

 

Silly silly silly

 

But at the same time it isn't really silly, I don't think.

 

I mean someone has to be crazy enough to try magically manifest a lottery win.

 

If there was even a little chance that it would be possible, why not? Cause it's silly and cringe?

 

 

 

[Blessed2]

Day 30! 🌞🌞🌞

 

2 x 20 minutes done.

 

20 push-ups done.

 

No drinking.

 

Challenge #2 done. 😏

 

Here's some stuff I've noticed:

 

- Meditation is getting more and more enjoyable. Sometimes it's really nice and relaxing.

- I've been eating less. Not as much candy and snacks etc. Might have to do with fasting too

- Much more alignment.

- Journaling is more swiftly, almost happening "by itself". Even quite "small" discord is no longer held in like it was used to. Like Phil writes in the ten ox-herding images, that sorta living doesn't really have real quality of living at all.

- Emotions are allowed to be felt more and more.

- "It's just a thought."

- Quit drinking and it's been easier and easier to stay away from it. Hard moments every now and then, and the thought of never drinking again / not drinking with friends is a bit of a stumble. But there's totally sparks of light flying around.

 

 

Challenge #3 begins tomorrow.

 

It'll be 45 days.

 

- 2 x 25 minutes of meditation a day.

 

- A mini home workout, and seeing if right after waking up is the best time for that. At least three different moves, at least 20 reps for each of them.

 

- 24 hour or full day fast once a week. Only a few fruits/veggies and/or only water.

 

- Having a brisk walk every day. Let's see if 45 minutes is doable.

 

- And no drinking. This one might have one or two hard days, cause I might see friends that drink heavily. I don't want to cause them discomfort, and there's also a belief that being with friends would be irritating, pointless and boring without drinking. These beliefs are met with emotions ranging from worry to pessimism.

 

Those days are far in the future though, no need to worry. And even if I'd drink with them but not drink on any other days, that would still be a success to me.

 

- And of course journaling, how it naturally unfolds.

 

 

Here's the goals/stuff to effortlessly happen. Some of them old, some of them new.

 

- Childlike joy and lightheartedness

- Letting go discordant thoughts/beliefs and experiencing relief and happiness

- Happiness in relationships

- Freedom from addictions, especially alcohol, nicotine and unhealthy foods

- Healthy routine and sleep cycle, "getting out of the rut", clean home, steady living

- Physical health

- Studies / employment / enough money

- Connection to the mystical Field / magic / conscious creation. Manifestation. Effortlessness. Living the dream.

- Liberation, enlightenment

- Aligning thought with feeling

- Insight into the actuality of the two spheres 

- New hobbies and friends.

- Enjoying nature and music

- Reading The Lord Of The Rings. 😌

 

 

 

 

[Blessed2]

Extremely odd emotions running through today.

 

I think the odness started last night when I was writing out the next 45 day challenge.

 

Hmm. There was thoughts that felt like doubt. That maybe this meditation thing is just another trick of the ego, that it's pointless to do in a form of challenge etc. That I'm still putting effort in it and that means it's the ego/belief, and might actually even be counter-productive, and hopeless hope. There was an odd, kind of sinister feeling 'in the air' after than journaling, and as I was going to sleep.

 

The same sinister-y feeling has been running through today also. Very small "things" feel like that, like for example right now I'm lying in bed and feeling sleepy. Felt sleepy for a long time and kind of had a nap. There were thoughts that having a nap is wrong & it will ruin my sleep cycle. Sinister feeling. The light & the shade of my phone screen in a dark room. Sinister feeling. The silence on the forum. Sinister feeling. Conversations on the forum. Sinister feeling. Paul Hedderman's video. Sinister feeling. Phil. Sinister feeling. Mandy. Sinister feeling. Joseph. Sinister feeling. Thought about commenting or posting something. Sinister feeling.

 

Something's obviously being projected.

 

These kind of days with thay "sinister" vibe sometimes pass. Not sure what it is about. Might be some kind of "cycle change". Like the furniture is being rearranged. Would make sense since the new challenge started today.

 

 

Today while walking, there was again that narcissistic daydreaming I've mentioned earlier. It happens almost every time I have a walk. Those kind of thoughts just come, feel good in the same (transient) way like eating fast food or taking a drug would feel like. It's quite close to drug high honestly. There's the coming up, then a peak, then a come-down, and maybe even kind of a hungover.

 

Why do those thoughts appear?

 

Might be that the emotion insecurity, or self-referential beliefs and how they feel is not fully acknowledged. Kind of like a pendulum swing, from insecurity to narcissism. Still the same swing though.

 

 

Edited March 10 by Blessed2

[Blessed2]

Day 1! 💫

 

2 x 25 minutes done.

 

Workout done.

 

Walk done.

 

No drinking.

 

🤍

[Blessed2]

Something that I've been noticing more and more lately, is basically shame.

 

Or cringe.

 

Thoughts, memories of me saying, doing some really stupid and cringy things appear quite often. And they're met with really intense discord. Almost paralyzing discord.

 

This is hard to explain but during the past years, months, weeks, days, those moments have been kind 'relized to be happening' more and more. Like it's become a theme in my days as I go about. And now I journal about it.

 

 

Intense, intense shame.

 

Many times it's said on this forum that shame isn't an emotion. Though in those moments it really does feel like what I'd call shame.

 

Though it does help to distinct them to the first two bars: first fear, then insecurity and unworthiness.

 

 

I would like for those emotions to not arise, though I can't see how that would be possible. Those are real memories. Stupid, cringy, embarassing things I've said and done.

 

Self-referential thoughts.

 

How do I let those thoughts go?

 

 

 

 

[Blessed2]

Day 2.

 

2 x 25 minutes done.

 

Workout done.

 

Walk done.

 

No drinking.

 

[Blessed2]

It seems that as the daily meditation goes on, interest in particular/complex techniques kind of falls away.

 

Now that it is 25 minutes, I don't feel like doing the basic meditation body scan thing anymore. I've been just feeling / relaxing the entire body and breath, one big rest. 25 minutes would be quite terrible and impossible even if you even tried to get somewhere or make anything happen.

 

Not even trying to let go thoughts per se. Maybe a little. Returning the attention to feeling the body and breath shen it wanders to thought. But it's more of just relaxing and feeling the body and breath now. Resting.

 

Relaxation, meditation, feeling, intuition, wisdom, letting go, not knowing, not efforting, being, self, all coalesce. 

 

 

[Blessed2]

"I am not the one evaluating how well or badly the meditation is going." 🤔

[Blessed2]

I am experiencing the emotion boredom.

 

I'm experiencing thoughts about how that I'm experiencing boredom is saying something about me, that there is much work to be done about me because if I was healed fully, I wouldn't be feeling like this.

 

Actually, I might be experiencing the emotion pessimism.

 

I'm experiencing a thought that I don't want to feel like this again, but that something needs to be done, I need to fix or heal something, and that I need to exit my comfort zone in order to do that.

 

I'm also experiencing a thought that me having narcissistic thoughts is saying that something about me is not healed or fixed yet, and that I don't want them to arise anymore.

 

I don't want to play that game of insecurity, judgement and narcissism anymore. I'd like to jump out of it.

 

I say that, but I doubt whether I actually want that though. I assume that those narcissistic thoughts will arise again, and that it feels good when they do. Yet then they go away and like when using drugs, there's a come-down and it leaves me feeling empty, nihilistic.

 

Wouldn't it feel nice to just be the embarassing, unattractive, boring, unremarkable me and still feel happy and complete?

 

That would drop a lot of stress. No more trying to impress people.

 

Actually being me, authentically, openly, not hiding the "bad, ugly, undesireable and boring parts", being vulnerable, expressing and owning insecurity.

 

 

I'm experiencing a craving to drink right now. "Just to unwind a bit".

 

Interesting. The compulsive alcohol use might be connected to this "game" of self-referential thoughts (vulnerability, insecurity, narcissism).

 

I'm experiencing a thought that the happiness, contentment, relief I want (from these self-referential thoughts) is not possible, is not happening today or tomorrow or a week or a month or a year from now, but alcohol does give relief.

 

Edited March 12 by Blessed2

[Blessed2]

Day 3.

 

2 x 25 minutes and 1 x 20 minutes done.

 

Workout done.

 

Walk done.

 

No drinking.

 

 

I'd really like to have a hobby or some sort of project to work on.

 

I'm experiencing jealousy as lots of people (like many users here) have some kind of a project like a youtube channel or something going on.

 

I'd like to have a hobby like that too, but nothing exciting really comes to mind. Especially the thought of a youtube channel or a blog or anything like that feels off. I don't really have anything to say. And internet is kind of boring honestly.

 

I love fairies, gnomes, magic and nature. Could I make that into a hobby somehow?

 

Maybe tomorrow I'll go ask them.

 

[Blessed2]

I WANT CHANGE.

 

I AM TIRED OF THIS GAME. I AM TIRED OF HOW LIFE FEELS LIKE.

 

IT FEELS HORRIBLE AND SO I KNOW, I FEEL IN MY BONES THAT THIS IS NOT WHAT ME AND LIFE IS INTENDED FOR. THIS IS NOT WHAT LIFE IS SUPPOSED TO FEEL LIKE.

 

I want to have a reboot. I want to have the mind rebooted, brain and nevous system re-wired. I want miraculous, sudden change for better. I want to be amazed of how easily and satisfyingly the change came.

 

I want a new me.

 

I want to be on a walk in nature and feel contentment.

 

I want everything, all aspects of my life to be saturated with newfound, refreshing, reliable, certain, sure, powerful, happy, joyful, sunny, bright, light, relaxing, peaceful, never-again-worries-fears-doubts WELLBEING.

 

I want old habits to die (such as drinking coffee, using nicotine, overspending, inactivity/messyness, overeating, compulsions) and new freedom, lightheartedness, joy and contentment to take their place.

 

I want it to bear fruit all around me. New situations, opportunities, things, stuff, encounters, doings, activities.

 

I want all to go well, effortlessly.

 

 

Edited March 13 by Blessed2

[Blessed2]

I was just meditating and it sucked. I'm experiencing really discordant thoughts.

 

Before I started meditating, I didn't feel like meditating at all. But I have the challenge and I believe that by meditating regularly and following the challenge, I'd feel better. So I decided to meditate.

 

I've been doing breathing meditation and it sucks. With different techniques, less thoughts about time, thoughts, meditation, happiness, suffering arise. With breathing meditation they're rampant and I don't seem to be able to make them stop.

 

Thought loops appear, and appeared while I was meditating, and it felt horrible.

 

While I was focusing on the breath, thoughts about focusing on the breath kept appearing. It seemed like it was impossible to "find" the real breath (not thoughts about). And thoughts just kept pouring in.

 

The meditation turned into a chase, a looking, a seeking of "real actual breath", and it seemed like meditation was just one big koan or an impossible task.

 

Now I'm thinking that I did something wrong, that I can't meditate correctly, that this whole challenge is really just believinf thoughts, trying to get rid of something while actually just strenghtening it's presence.

 

Paul keeps saying in all his videos basically that the practice just reinforces what's nonexistent by trying to get rid of the nonexistent.

 

Yet if I'd stop meditating, then that would still be an attempt to get rid of the nonexistent by not trying to get rid of the nonexistent.

 

Thought loooppp. "Paradox". 

 

Believing thoughts fucking SUCKS.

 

Now I have one more session for today and I really don't want to do it cause it's going to suck.

 

And tomorrow probably will suck too.

 

Maybe day after tomorrow it won't suck.

 

But these thoughts will come back though. I can't get rid of them. I can't stop believing thoughts.

 

I am experiencing the emotions powerlessness and despair.

 

ANNNNNRRRRHHHHGHGGG

 

[Blessed2]

6 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

I was just meditating and it sucked. I'm experiencing really discordant thoughts.

 

Before I started meditating, I didn't feel like meditating at all. But I have the challenge and I believe that by meditating regularly and following the challenge, I'd feel better. So I decided to meditate.

 

I've been doing breathing meditation and it sucks. With different techniques, less thoughts about time, thoughts, meditation, happiness, suffering arise. With breathing meditation they're rampant and I don't seem to be able to make them stop.

 

Thought loops appear, and appeared while I was meditating, and it felt horrible.

 

While I was focusing on the breath, thoughts about focusing on the breath kept appearing. It seemed like it was impossible to "find" the real breath (not thoughts about). And thoughts just kept pouring in.

 

The meditation turned into a chase, a looking, a seeking of "real actual breath", and it seemed like meditation was just one big koan or an impossible task.

 

Now I'm thinking that I did something wrong, that I can't meditate correctly, that this whole challenge is really just believinf thoughts, trying to get rid of something while actually just strenghtening it's presence.

 

Paul keeps saying in all his videos basically that the practice just reinforces what's nonexistent by trying to get rid of the nonexistent.

 

Yet if I'd stop meditating, then that would still be an attempt to get rid of the nonexistent by not trying to get rid of the nonexistent.

 

Thought loooppp. "Paradox". 

 

Believing thoughts fucking SUCKS.

 

Now I have one more session for today and I really don't want to do it cause it's going to suck.

 

And tomorrow probably will suck too.

 

Maybe day after tomorrow it won't suck.

 

But these thoughts will come back though. I can't get rid of them. I can't stop believing thoughts.

 

I am experiencing the emotions powerlessness and despair.

 

ANNNNNRRRRHHHHGHGGG

 

 

I felt better after journaling this and it became really clear on key expression is.

 

I'm experiencing discord again but I reeaallly don't want to express lol.

 

I have one session left and don't feel like meditating. I believe it's going to suck.

 

I believe enlightenment isn't coming today. That the miraculous change for better isn't coming either.

 

Maybe it's all "behind" these thoughts and discordant interpretations, but it sucks how thoughts cloud it.

 

"Nothing good will happen today."

 

Weird refrence to time in that thought. And it feels discordant.

 

Timelessness would be awesome.

 

In timelessness there would be passion.

 

And joy