fopylo

HAHA Orb man I just realized our profile pics are matching in colours, and you could imagine them literally being part of the same scene Lmao. Your Buddha is meditating in front of a tree with birds, and those birds just happen to also pass by the guy doing a summersault into the ocean😂

Undertale Deltarune

@Loop damn bro I wish I could also just be so natural with my emotions and shed tears of joy

*Liked post This is appreciated, I'm sure by the people you talk with. Thanks for helping us all. It is also beautiful that you flow through life with poetry, leaving trails of art

https://community.actualityofbeing.com/topic/1330-reintegrating-repression/

Wow beautiful. I like how you speak in simple terms - I sense innocence in you. Thank you. I wish there was a way to save your post. Imma put it in my journal

(Phil is supposed to be quoted) @Phil Could you explain a bit on that?

So I haven't really touched the piano in a very long time, like a few months. Every day when I come back home it is already too late to play the piano. I've tried touching the piano keys and I felt that I lost that flow of my hands and the feeling of expressing myself through music. For a long time now I've felt that something was missing in my life, the juiciness of it, the emotional wonders that I used to swim in. I delayed it for a while. But I didn't think it had to do with the piano. Anyways, this weekend I decided to play a little and even started learning a piece of Joe Hisaishi (for those that know👋😉). The amazing thing about music is that it can bring you back in time, emotionally - brings back those memories and life experiences, tapping into my deeper sentimental self. I find myself among the music and inside of it. Personally speaking, music is the domain where I can feel the most 'high', most sentimental and mystical. The juicy music I'm talking about is mostly involving the piano, or music with an emphasis on the melody. Probably this spiritual feeling has to do with my synesthesia and autism. But really, you could get really philosophical about music to the point where it can sum up your life - especially, and especially when contemplating the composition of music and how it is a language that is spoken with the emotions and you decide what route it takes and how you tell the story, and can be understood in many ways. Anyways, yeah, I like the fact that the piano has restored some of the juice back into my life and I hope to start getting back to playing to restore my sanity (my true emotional spiritual self)

@Loop Yeah man it's just that I had a hard week. I believe I have this seasonal depression or whatever. Socially it has become more stressful with the winter entering. I don't know what to expect now. I want good friendships and connections

@Serenity I'm glad I somehow made you feel better

I can't keep suppressing myself and my emotions when I'm with others. I can't keep hiding all my life. Sometimes I wish I was a different person, with a better functioning brain. Sometimes I wish I was born to a better family, a more loving one. I always feel relieved from the troubles and stress from the outside world when I'm alone in my room, getting to feel a bit my inside world. It happens so rare, I just strive for those moments of piece. Can't stop feeling like I'm being tested, without revealing the correct answers eventually, never truly resting at the top. Speaking from the heart clears the mind. Much harder when you think you need something, or try to avoid. OCD, I'm becoming very mental. Feeling protected, got used to that fear, but not really. I can't relate to all those great people, who innocently live and know nothing more outside of themselves. I'm jealous of them. Can't keep ruminating and hating. Falling into darkness, creating a fire, just to realize it is my shadow. I don't know how tomorrow will be, but everyday I've been on YouTube 24/7, or just doing nothing. I say I have ambitions and goals I want to achieve. I also like to think I'm on my way, but God is laughing. I'm waiting for the perfect moment to start. I'm waiting for never. My life in essence hasn't changed much for the last few years. I need a big change in my emotional stability. I need help. It is hard to love, very hard. And I don't mean to really love. I'm talking about the love you all simple normies know how to do, that I find it more difficult. When people are starting to talk nice, I quickly shut down and bring up the highest technology of protection possible. I want to know what it is to be free. I want to know how it is to be me. No one even knows I'm struggling. I'm just too good at that. My struggles are private. But really, I just can't keep living like this. I must start doing more exercise and eat healthy. I must probably meditate or some shit like that. I'm just too stressed. Fucking hell man, honestly I'm way too anxious about people more than the average person, more than the average person who claims he is socially anxious. I can claim that I never truly felt relieved around friends and family after like age 10. I know there is a world way beyond my understanding, and I might get to remember it sometime. Just save me from this current life. I want to be a normal functioning human being, that is living his dreams. They are starting to slip away, and I'm starting to feel it. I can't keep living like this, I should be the hero. Spiritually I'm the hero, but mentally I'm the villain.

Or maybe all of this is just a thing of the winter/getting sick 🤷‍♂️

I really feel like I'm doing nothing with my life. I don't like this feeling. The feeling is becoming even stronger when I experience triggers that bring me back to my previously held ambitions that never got to see much light

Ok, fucking hell man. I don't feel quite good. I have some stress from life. I am always saying "maybe later, maybe later.... I'll probably do it at some point in the future..." I'll never do it. I have personal achievements that are always slipping between my fingers. Fuck man... I want to start feeling better. I want to start eating healthy and get into better shape while I'm still relatively young. I want to get back into language learning. I want to get back into playing the piano. But fuck man... I don't know if I'll have all of this time. I've never really been "on my shit". Man... Music can sometimes take you eras back in time, back in time of your greater story... I've been sick for some time now so I didn't do much. It really saddens me to realize that literally all what I do everyday is spend 24/7 on youtube. What? You thought you were some saint who is above that and doing shit with his life? Look at you, probably even worse than some of the 'addicted' people who come to mind. You are from those zombies people talk about, not them! Mind is numb, body is numb. I'll just put it all out on 2023 and let my sins be poured onto the end of 2022 before we flush it away

@James123 Yeah, but you see, I don't feel so much of a drive for it. If I had many problems and suffered greatly, then yes, I would really want to spend time meditating. But if I'm already feeling ok, I don't feel the need to spend time meditating. Diminishing returns comes to mind. What do you mean?

Sometimes in life you feel very miserable, overwhelmed to the point that it's hard for you to breath, or just have too much resentment stored inside... Sometimes you have those moments of happiness, joy and laughter... But many time, like now - none of those extremes. I'm just living regularly. I don't try to latch on problems (don't have any serious ones that are consuming my energy). But yeah, here and there, a problem; here and there some laughter. But I'm not telling myself "Alright, I need to start meditating". I just don't feel any need for it. I'll simplify it. I only feel the desire for meditation when life gets tough, but otherwise, when life is more comfortable, I don't feel a drive for it. If I'm ok then I'll just go on my laptop and be on Youtube all day and maybe talk to some friends. You lot may say that there's more to meditation other than the alleviation of discordant thoughts (emotions), and that stopping there won't give me the full benefit of meditation. So my question is first of all - Is there a reason for meditation other than for the alleviation of discordant thoughts? Followup - If so, for what? And why meditate when you're already feeling ok?

@Phil Also today something cool happened! There was a family meeting for my little cousin's birthday (which was kinda spontaneous for me). I woke up (like 12:30) and we had to leave, so I barely had time to organize and prepare for the day. All I had for breakfast was some water. I got there, and I actually had a nice time with the family. I drank some strong punch on an empty stomach, and I felt more easy going (and a little dizzy!) - probably the first time I felt kinda drunk when I'm with the family. It was nice talking to the people and I felt a certain way, like as though I went back in years to when I was a kid and more excited to see family. I must say, Phil, those 2 last days have been quite important days for me. Those 2 days have been trying to teach me the love within friendship and family. I don't know what God's plans are for me, but this might have been just a little snack on the side, a little treat on my journey, on my adventure to the life of my dreams. Lately I've been starting to understand and appreciate more the feeling of love. It is really all that is needed. It just comes in different forms - all trying to return you to the present moment, from which the feelings and emotions are born.

I feel the urge to talk about it, especially after this intense week I had. Questions about my social position, how to make those people like me, how to succeed have been destroying me... together mixed with hate and jealousy towards a specific person, but never mind anymore. My mind is kinda off of it. I didn't even have to talk about how hard this week was for me. It was just the pure interaction with those friends from highschool that brought me back to the good feeling of spending time with them and being a more authentic version of myself. They took so much pressure off of me by helping me choose a topic to talk about in front of a group, and helped me think of content to include in my PowerPoint. I was actually surprised they had the patience to bare that and to try to help. I'll probably invite them to my wedding when I have one.

I just realized I love my friends. Just met with my usual friend Om, together with Ami (not real names, only shorts) at ami's house. They are very nice and I think for the first time I felt very comfortable talking to them. The most comfortable social interaction for me has always been 1-on-1's, but I was with 2 good friends who are also friends with each other. It feels comfortable like love has expanded onto more people and space, and the boundaries of being me have further grown. I like it. Came back home with a good feeling. They took lots of pressure off me, and it quickly shifted my mind from focusing from all the negative discordant shit I've been obsessed with for like the last 2 days. So yeah, thanks for these kinds of people, of friends. Thank you god for showing me that such a possibility of experiencing life with greater love and openness are available and possible. I'm on my way home, the best way home

Recently I've been obsessed with trying to be more of a leader. I believe it is rooted in the belief that in order to get girls I need to show more leadership (as well as to get more respect, fundamentally, love). Not gonna lie, ever since last year I've realized that some girls have found me attractive based on my looks, but history says that it never paid at the end - nothing really ever happened and lasted because of it. I'm still kinda scared of being intimate with someone. Also, I'm bad at getting people's attention, as well as speaking in a group setting (also sometimes with one person), sound like a p***y sometimes - what is attractive about those things? This is why I feel the need to be more of a leader. Even though getting attention and girls could be the root motive, I still want to do it to prove to myself that I can become a great respected person. This is highlighted more in the military environment: Becoming an officer. You must have at least a bit leadership skills, as well as being responsible and know how to be smart with people. Officer uniforms look better and higher prestige, and walking with them outside could bring me more respect. This also goes to say that when I see other people show leadership skills I immediately feel inferior and as if I have to somehow "overcome" them (be one step above them), or just go my own way. I might hate them for it, and how easy it is for them to just be themselves, and have the faith in themselves that the others will listen to them and follow. I hate them the most, even to the point of feeling revenge when they expect me to follow their leadership. Yeah, here's a piece of the raw me. How do I solve this shit? How do I live comfortably in my own skin and have an easy time speaking to groups and have faith in my words? Maybe loving those people and being on their side, or some shit. But dang it, I want to lose my virginity already. There's this girl that is studying with me right now, but I feel it's only right for things to happen between us only when the studies finish (in 2 months). She showed signs of attraction towards me, and I'm also kinda attracted to her. I think we should still get to know eachother more, but she's cute and I think I like her for now. Hope she won't go for some other dude until the end, or lose interest in me because I won't be taking any drastic steps during those 2 months. I'm telling you, having some affair with her during those studies will just make it awkward with everyone else. It is really not a good place for it now. But she is sexy... dang.

@Phil Can you send me the link as well?