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@Phil What makes you think so? How would pessimism sound more like?

Oh, and another cool thing I've learnt is that the feeling function is separate from the thought function, meaning they aren't really dependent one on another. I could be basking in some emotion while having some sort of thought, still bask in that similar emotion (could be even slightly better) and then experience a world shifting thought so radically different like I just got thrown out of an airplane, but with a similar feeling. Feeling is constant while thoughts are moving worlds.

Just had a nice 30 minute session (except back pain from the object I was leaning on). I believe I was doing more of a self-inquiry style meditation. The purpose was 30 minutes of being me, or more like feeling I. This I that is conscious of everything, that feeling of focusing on what you want and going with that flow, of feeling in control and not excluding any feeling/thing your attention waves upon. It is about finding the You in every moment, whether I'm swallowing my saliva, whether I am thinking of plans, whether I have desires, whether I feel angry - There's always this true authentic expression that could be be-ing in every moment, a be-ing that feels like "this is Me" (the truth). This feeling is about connectedness and everything in your focus is one and whole. There are more paths to love/freedom than suffering - something I've understood in the session before that.

Fucking hell man, what kind of person am I? Ugh... why am I behaving like this? About a week and a half ago my friends from camp wanted to plan a meet up at someone's house. We haven't gathered all of us in quite a while so they kinda really wanted to meet up. The guy that is inviting us to his house, I'll name him Ernie. I saw some guy upload to Instagram a restaurant next to where Ernie lives, so I sent it to Ernie and asked what he thinks about it, and he said that it's a nice place and we can all eat there and then come to his place. I wasn't hinting on going there, just asked in general. A few days later the guys start talking in the group chat who's coming and it seems like they are pretty much waiting for my answer. Ernie said I should come and go to this pizza place I asked about. Y (another guy) said if I'm not coming then they'll jump me (in a humoristic manner). But honestly, I just didn't feel like meeting them. I know how the meetings always go: We meet up, sit, talk and drink a lot (and sometimes watch a movie or play a little video game). A month ago I had my birthday party, and the next night I just felt terrible and eventually vomited (the last time before that that I vomited was like 10 years ago, so yeah, felt very shit). I connected it to the alcohol, however I didn't even drink that much (like when I have those gatherings of people from the camp). But still, I like to believe so, at least that it took part in my ill feeling. So yeah, didn't feel like meeting them really. Another mild reason is that I don't like eating shared food like pizza (don't like when people touch my food). Don't judge me on that. About 2 days ago some guys from the bootcamp planned on meeting at a bar at that same day. Since I didn't feel like meeting those friends from camp, I thought why not meet those guys from the bootcamp. (To clear understanding, the camp was a 6 month program of living together with people and traveling the country while learning and the goal was to develop yourself and living in a group; people go to camp by choice and it's often during the time between the end of highschool and the start of the military. Bootcamp is, well, bootcamp.) The thing is that I really had no reason not to meet the guys from the camp. Ernie comes back home every second weekend, so we meet once every 2 weeks at most (usually like once every 1-2 months). However, Ernie's next time coming home will be longer than 11 days (a week and 5 days)... so for him it kinda sucks that I'm not coming, and I've started feeling guilty. Y had tried calling me (didn't answer, left a message) to ask me if I'm coming; Ernie did the same. To both of them I answered maybe/not sure, but Ernie started to question a bit, and I felt kinda uncomfortable, I just felt like stepping away even more from that meeting. Today is the day of the meeting by the way. I decided to meet the friends from bootcamp. As I was on my way to the big city of Tel-Aviv, I was passing close by to Ernie's small town (me and Ernie live quite close - a 10 minute drive, as opposed to the other people that live 1.5 and 3.5 hours away). I got off at a train station that they not long ago got off, and luckily we weren't close, they wouldn't've known it. But that guy H started asking me why I'm not coming and I just hate it. Fucking hell man, all of them are on my d*** (sorry), just leave me the f alone like what's their freaking obsession with whether I'm coming or not? But nonetheless I did feel quite guilty: They planned it for some time, I had no reason why not to come, he lives very close to me and I also passed by. So about the people from bootcamp: There was some problem with the hours of the transportation, and I had no option but to be with them for not longer than 2 hours (took like 1.5 hours to get there). We were only 4 people all together (all on the autism spectrum like me) and I would say the experience was meh... Above the fact I was also for a short time there. The way back didn't get me all the way home because certain transportations had stopped working. But on my way back to the nearest bus station I saw 2 girls from my school I tried to avoid I contact, a cute couple kissing (which I envied, not gonna lie) and at the end surprisingly my ex-date (which was my first "kiss", which blocked me from her socials). I tried searching for taxies, but I was waiting for a long time and no results appeared and so I thought I'm done. Luckily I met a girl from a shared group of friends approaching the same spot as me and I asked if I could get a lift home. Eventually I got home and I felt lucky, and it was quite nice. But yeah, still, the spot I was waiting at was close to Ernie's small town, and the guilt grew. I kinda fucked up. I feel kinda bad for not meeting with them, yet at the same time the meet up of some bootcamp people wasn't that amazing, so yeah, kinda at a double-edge sword - fucked up from both directions when all I wanted was some peace. I had my worries on how the friends from camp will see me now... I mean there's no problem in not attending a meeting, but with such lame excuses? I literally didn't want to meet them today, just didn't feel like it, and I've decided that a few days ago but didn't tell them obviously. I just wanted to take some "break" from them. I promised I'll come to their next meeting, just hope they won't start digging into today's matter and treat me differently next time. So yeah, now I just feel kinda down from all of that matter, or experiencing pessimism if you will

Ok so I just did a 30 minute meditation of sitting and doing nothing and it wasn't that hard, well, because I'm tired and about to go to sleep so my mind was/is more calm. Not trying, non-effort can only occur when you're in alignment - feeling yourself, the flow. When you are Yourself there is no need for trying or effort, for anything you try and any effort you put is just effort in "pushing away" from Yourself. Being yourself is prioritizing and honing the feeling of honesty and authenticity, which are the root for moving towards feeling better/deeper into what you truly want. It is all subjective though, so to not craft ideas upon "feeling better/deeper"; relative to the moment, to the now.

@Phil Seems like you can perceive thought as well... or that you can't perceive and not experience a thought at the same time

I find myself in phases many times: A short phase of practicing meditation, and then a long break. Sometimes the meditation phases are longer and more frequent depending on my will/desire at those times, how much I prioritize it. But still, I am very likely to do some meditation and then quit for a few days/weeks. I believe (or at least, want to believe) that it isn't only for me like that and that more people can find it relatable. You've mentioned it in a similar way on your website, @Phil, I'll quote: This is quoted from what you had to say about the 3rd ox herding picture. I believe I've already "gone through" (realized) the first 2 pictures, hence had started valuing more the practice/experience rather than believing I'm "getting there" by reading/listening. And also, surprisingly you also started mentioning it starting from the 3rd picture and through every other following picture until you reach the 7th picture, which is after you've transcended 'other'. Seems like you've basically ended all suffering by the time you got to the 7th picture since you didn't write that you will still tend to adhere and abandon the practice, so like you finished the practice. Anyways, this isn't even what I wanted to talk about really. What I wanted to ask you is why do I keep adhering and abandoning the practice? Look, not trying to be offensive but your advice on how to meditate (at least the way you're wording it) just isn't good/doing it for me. I've just suffered more. I still believe you're a cool guy and have a lot to share obviously. I feel that Leo's video on how to meditate is really amazing, but I'm talking about the younger Leo, not the recent one. Basically my motto/idea of meditation is just sit and do nothing/ don't do anything - which heavily stresses the not-trying, non-effort, which is still something I struggle with sometimes. But why is it very hard sometimes? damn

Let's do another one. I was absent in the previous one. I'm available until the 9th of November

@James123 Basically you're saying that everything is thoughts and there's no distinction between a thought and no-thought? If so, no offence but it's kinda lame... It's just another way of being funny with it

@James123 Could you experience no thoughts? Honestly I must praise @Myself for asking all those legit questions. Sometimes I find myself very frustrated getting those unsatisfying answers from people about the nature of this field. Everyone is claiming "there's nothing to know", "I didn't do anything", "you are already amazing" - which don't help. There is some kind of language barrier, that for the person saying "I didn't do anything" and for the person hearing that - both of them understand it in different ways. It is all about how the person decides to convey his ideas, which doesn't mean they'll be perfectly understood by the listener. However, the person could try and explain it and "get into the shoes" of the person who is very new to this kind of language and try to build a common understanding from the ground.

@Phil You know what I meant though. Even when I was meditating, still images were appearing in my head (use my words as pointers if you plan on pointing stuff like 'in my head' to me). As we speak and type we entertain ideas and concepts. What is experience without thought? There's no such thing.

@Devin What I'm saying is that the less 'stuck' it feels (the less belief it feels, more like a moving thought) the more you feel it. Kinda makes sense, no? The more it moves, the more energy that flows, the more you feel it.

@Devin Which thought? I don't understand you

From my experience, emotion comes from thought, more like feeling/experiencing the thought. Belief is attachment to the thought and aversion from feeling. You could have thoughts that make you feel all kinds of ways, from guilt and anger to happiness and enthusiasm. You're able to feel them when you're not attached to them. Expression is when the feeling moves through you

Then why do people recommend the use of psychedelics? Are you against psychedelcis? Not that I plan on using it any time in the next few years, but I heard that it transformed people in incredible ways. I don't think they're lying though.

@Phil How can thought activity cease? Thoughts are all the time being

@Mandy Umm, don't think so..

Sometimes I have a dream that has to do with me skydiving to a random location (mostly by accident), and then I get scared and I try to find my way back home. Like I dreamt that I skydived to a location far from the destined spot by a distance of like a country size. It is scary, and I didn't know how to get back. A while back I've dreamt something similar that I then took a plane back and skydived again or some shit like that. But I kid you not, it does feel very realistic and can feel scary because you believe it's real and believe your life depends on it, so... yeah. Just wondered if others had something similar

Ok so I'll continue. This has to do more with life plan and success stuff: I feel like my life is planned, like for the first time I feel like my plan is kinda solid, more like liquid - has some base. I'll be working a significant cool job for the next 3 years in the military, and I'll probably want to go for even longer because I want to become an officer (depends how much I'd like my job and if it'll still interest me). I'm getting out of the military at age 24-28. Afterwards I plan on creating/working on a tech start-up (as commonly done by people after finishing their service in those tech fields), creating wealth. This also kinda aligns with the way I imagine my true self - risk taking and jumping on projects for the fun of creating and leading. I also plan on taking a vacation and flying over seas. I planned to fly to Japan with a good friend of mine (that'll be in at least 3.5 years). We think It'll be funny and cool. The order of the things aren't very significant. I might fly with him before I get into the workforce, or maybe even before I finish the service - who knows. Before getting into the workforce, maybe after, or maybe sometime in the middle I want to go to a Shaolin Kung-Fu school. It's something I've lately been fascinated about. I want to spend time learning and (hopefully) mastering this art and become a better and stronger human being. It seems very cool. So yeah, I'd like to spend at least 1 year doing it (but to master it I'll need more). Now something I'd really like to do as a living (doesn't necessarily mean for money) is to create music. I've been talking about it a lot already in my threads. I've talked about it also with @Phil quite a bit some time ago. All those limiting beliefs and conditions and reasons for not creating music... I don't want that pressure.. but yeah I want to take steps and be intentional, and flowing. I feel like I have a lot to share, but it comes only at times. Sometimes I feel a stronger urge to share ("I just wish I could share all of that musically and inspire many people!") and sometimes I just feel I have nothing to share. But yeah, someday I'll really want to do it. Kinda ironic that in that long ass vacation of 3 months I didn't create anything... In regard to what I wrote about the music, eventually I want to find God. I want to experience the enlightenment. It could be through the music, and could also be slowly found through all the adventures on this journey. It is a dream to just fully be Me and know that I'm truly living. Before I have my kids I want to fully realize my true nature. This is because I want to be a good father and a great person. So this is basically all what I planned on writing. In addition I want a loving beautiful woman (but I'd like to experience sex first lmao) that I can feel like myself being around her and not need to worry too much about it. Oh yeah, also keeping contact with friends always, and meeting new people along the journey. Also to keep learning (such as languages, music, science), and creating. Man this just sounds naturally inspiring. I heard somewhere that you inspire others by literally being excited about your own life. I'm feeling like a main character! Hope to see what's next, what's more to learn

It has been some time ever since I interacted with people here (or had back and forths). Feels like I kinda miss it from my life right now, as if it is fulfilling interacting with people here, reading what people write and responding, sharing perspectives, insights and ideas. I don't want to "miss out", or something... So I wanted to write this a few days ago already and kept putting it down because it didn't feel convenient. It might not be interesting for everyone, but still, it is a "letting it out" as Phil says (or something like that). Even though right now I'm feeling a little sentimental (probably because of this topic - of interacting right here) what I want to talk about is rather happy, but I just now feel some emotion. Ok. ------------------------------------------------------ So I can't express how grateful I am for the military. Right now it ain't so consuming, but I sometimes have a burst of gratitude out of nowhere and have 'movies' in my mind of the possibility of being where I'm at! So much luck has played into it. Who knew life could be so funny? Who knew it will all work out in the end? It has been many life choices that got me to perhaps the best place I could possibly be at! I failed on the test getting into the field I wanted. I had no position and thought it's over and they'll just throw me somewhere. An opportunity to get into the radio field had arose and was interviewed when I was overseas (through zoom). I failed quite bad and embarrassingly (they asked very simple questions that require little general knowledge about the country and I didn't know). Out of 17 people only me and one other didn't pass it. To be honest I didn't even really want to be in the radio/movie making field. It doesn't even fit me, it's just that what other option did I already have...?? So back to not having a position. I thought I might want to go to a pre-military camp. I wanted to go mostly for the social experience of it, and it was great. The good thing is that it also postpones the recruitment, so that I'll have more time to try to get into a position. I must say that I took the interview for the pre-military-camp so lightly, like I even didn't take it serious and I really thought I wouldn't get accepted (after all, like 250-300 people wanted to get in and only like 50-60 were accepted). I was starting already to plan how I'll deal with this downhill path set for me.... luckily I got accepted. So something actually did happen during camp. Sometime in the middle of camp we all got an sms from the military regarding our positions. Seemed like more kids didn't have a position beforehand. I got something that I was super excited about because it had to do with airplanes. Not much time past and I realized it is quite shitty. Probably the worst place you could be in the airforce, doing more dirty work. But... At least I have a position, I guess. I knew I was on the Autism spectrum (ASD), and I am glad to be finally getting a position also with "normal" people and also a full service, to be like everyone else. I've been going through so much with the military before I went to camp during and after school. So much tension, doubt and stress. I was so glad that shit was over. It didn't finish. So there's a program called Titkadmu (Hebrew translation of "Move Forwards") - a program of the military to help recruit autistic people into the military. They called my father and asked him if I'm interested in it (he asked me a few months before I finished camp). I told him hell no and that I'm not interested in being labeled during my service. I don't want to be serving with autistic people all the time and also want to be with "normal" people and not get all those freaking "discounts". Little did I know about the program, because after I finished camp I thought of giving it a listen (yes, I haven't even gave a listen to the short youtube video explaining what it is because I was to quick to deny it). After watching I felt that it was stupid to quickly deny it, and had some questions and wanted to hear more. I was forwarded to a guy that answered my questions and even said that going to this program will open more opportunities for me, such as retaking the test into the field I wanted and retaking the general military test. He also told me that I'll be with the autistic kids only during the bootcamp (6 weeks), and then we all split up to our positions together with all the "normal" people. I've been convinced, and my life has changed when I've decided to go to it. Apparently autistic people are very great friends, and they are really like normal people (high functioning) and can joke about many things. We literally joked about us being autistic people! 🤣 Apparently someone from the camp was also there. Great people. We all had the opportunity of getting a position we'd like in the military. I've really wanted something specific, and I felt I was really matched up for it. So now comes the retaking of the test for the field I wanted. Guess what happened? So I got there, together with a few other chosen ones, and apparently they told me I can go home. What?? Apparently, the test I've took 1.5 years beforehand.. has passed! Not only passed, but big time passed with an excellent score! Fucking hell man... you can't make such mistakes come one man...😅 So yeah, I've really fought for getting the position I want now in this field (out of the displayed positions the program offers us). At the end, I didn't get an interview for it, but got 2 interviews for probably the 2 greatest places anyone could get to in the military, and I really mean it. But I didn't give a fuck at the moment, and was very attached to the idea of having an interview for whatever I want later. I didn't show much enthusiasm in those 2 interviews, and later realized it was a mistake... I've started doing more research on those 2 positions and realized that these are like one in a lifetime opportunities, well, one of them is even more sticking, but ok. I tried to ask as quickly as possible if I could talk again to the interviewers to better explain myself now (even though they were already impressed from the interview). The woman in charge of accepting people into those positions facetimed me and I was so glad to hear it wasn't all set in stone and she gives me an opportunity to choose between the 2, just as I'd like. Eventually I chose the one that better suited for me. With more research, I've come to discover this is the best place I could possibly ever be at, and probably for other people as well, who would kill to be me right now. So yeah, what would've happened had I continued to fight for that position I wanted, thinking it is the best there is to offer? If I'd deny going to this autistic program (which I didn't know much about), I'd be doing some dirty job. Thank god I didn't pass this simple test to get into the radio field... just doesn't suit me and don't like it. Thank god I got accepted to camp... I took the interview too lightly and I probably would've been lost as hell without camp to give me some hope. So yeah... looking back. From bottom to top - every choice in life led me to the greatest place ever. Aight I actually wanted to talk about another thing, but since all that took a long time to write I pretty much had enough for now and might continue it sometime later. At least I gotta start somewhere. If you read until here then I really appreciate you taking your time to read this, really.

@Phil I've heard from some people the terms 'contraction' and 'de-contraction'/'relaxation' (Frank Yang uses it a bit)... What is the difference between the two? Because the food causes the tiredness? Kinda sucks falling asleep in the morning, especially when you either plan on being really awake/energetic or that you've already been awake and now it sucks to fall asleep and be tired-ish.

So yesterday I decided just to meditate a bit at 0:30 (past midnight) some time after my workout. During the meditation I almost fell asleep. Without much thought, I just got ready to bed and went to sleep at like 1:30. Mind you, my sleep schedule was usually past 4:00 am, and it is just that out of the blue I decided to go to sleep early. It got me wondering whether meditation has been truly expressing my raw tiredness that's been suppressed by wanting to stay up at night... or perhaps meditation simply makes me tired...? So then today I woke up feeling refreshed... has been a long time since I've slept good for real. I also didn't feel that tired when I woke up, as opposed to most of my "mornings" (14:00-15:00-ish). I felt quite awake and energetic. Decided to have a healthy breakfast of omelet and salad. Afterwards did a sitting meditation... During the meditation I felt like I'm dozing off. Fucking hell man... I mean, I've started the day with clarity, and now I've been starting to feel sleepy during the meditation? Like what the hell man? And yes, I was keeping a straight spine. I was almost starting to dream during the meditation. But it's just like... Man, I mean, I'm with my eyes closed... What do you expect me really to experience..??

@Mandy yeah, an unexpected event happened and I had to get up early (slept 1 hour). Tried resting in the car for 1.5 hours, then slept for 3.5 hours at my grandma's house in the afternoon, then 1 hour on the way back at evening. I slept like 5.5 hours all together and now I'm feeling really tired so I probably fixed it in a little brutal way today. About the fasting, it's just one day in the year. I guess you could say it is a water fast

But I also must say I had a few times during those sessions that I was excited about the meditation. Like, it could potentially be the best healing thing... but it also depends on the way I approach it and how much I practice it. I want to live the truest me! I'm just imagining music I really love in my head, and I understand that the reason I love it so much is because it literally feels like it's part of my true form. It feels somewhat like me.