fopylo

Are you planning on uploading the zoom calls? Anyways, when's the next?

@Phil good for you then. Seems very cool to have a friend for a very long time. This actually makes me a little jealous

@Orb Thanks man, appreciate it. Kinda sweet of you😊. Yeah man this is kind of a sad truth. I've realized over the years that friends are really something that come and go. It's hard to imagine it in the moment, but it's always been the case that people whom I've considered good friends, just slowly fell apart after a while. It fell mostly due to everyone going their separate path in life and seeing each other less. The people I consider best friends are relatively new (like 2-3 years). They are somewhat of a cake, perhaps a little healthier dessert (from the analogy I made in the OP). So yeah, but I don't see that happening anytime soon. Seems like friends come and go. Who knows? Maybe in 10 years my friendship life would be filled with completely different people, a different number of people, and a different type of people. Perhaps depends on the direction of my growth. Perhaps my friends says a lot about me.

I've got to the point where I don't know anymore who should be my friend anymore. What I want doesn't seem to really fit with reality. I am dedicating time almost every day to working out. I like anime. I like to immerse myself in music. I like deep philosophical conversations, and I believe in cooperation and helping each other out so that we all grow together and reap the benefits. Every friend of mine doesn't have at least 1 from the above, which doesn't make him a great friend. There's a friend who likes anime music, and cooperation, but doesn't work out and doesn't like deep complex convos (doesn't like learning). There are people who work out and like to grow themselves and be curious about life, but it's hard for me to have a conversation with them. There are people that are garbage - you don't want to be near them and they don't offer you shit. There are people who are like cake - always the easier option, don't offer you much other than a little nice time, and you know deep down you can't be living like that forever. (Damn I just realized how genius this analogy is). These are most of my friends. There are people that are like those leafy green packs - seem like the healthiest and can help you grow the most, but still feel a little strange and you start doubting whether this was the best choice, and perhaps you could still live a good life with a little less seriousness and enjoy some cake... (How'd you like that for an analogy?) It's a little hard for me to acknowledge the fact that like all my closer friends don't take care of themselves physically (or at least not much). I'd say about 40% watch anime. And I can only have deep conversations with maybe 1 person, in a good case 2. I also got to a conclusion about the people I'm friendly with in general (including my closer friends): I tend to click fast with people who work out and watch anime. And also, most of the people who I clicked with who work out and take care of themselves believe in cooperation and helping people grow to some degree. What I can say for sure, after having experienced this several times while giving the benefit of the doubt and not to deduct with logic - The people who don't take care of themselves usually won't care much for you, won't care helping you grow, act selfishly, and not be the loved people of a group. It's a good thing for me that I'm writing this so that I clarify things from my life. So anyways, I'm kinda unsure what direction to go, who to approach, who to keep contact with. After all, there are people that I can just casually talk about anime, people who I can talk more in depth about the character development in a certain tv series, people who I can talk with them about fitness and how we can both become superhuman, people who I can have deep conversations with and bring up interesting ideas, and obviously the people who I feel very uncomfortable around and don't want them in my life, but are sometimes hard to scratch off because of their leech-y nature

Hey I'd like to hear more about how reading fiction can affect you in such a way. I want more commentary on that. Just seems to good to be true honestly.

@Phil I actually don't what

Hopelessness, perhaps Pessimism and Jealousy. I tend to write here when feeling those ways. When feeling strong hatred I would probably journal and also meditate. I'd meditate when feeling frustrated and overwhelmed.

Today wasn't such a great day. So I'm currently on a break from work due to a tooth extraction I had not long ago so I'm staying home for a week. This is the second time I have it (last time was a month ago, other side of the mouth), and I want to utilize it properly - idk maybe clean a bit my room like my brother's, maybe read more, get back into playing the piano slowly. I usually try to make sure first activity in the morning is to read since it low level dopamine and a good start for the day. But today I just for some reason decided that I should probably first thing go and watch some YouTube. Oh man, how much it fucked my day. I was literally the WHOLE day on YouTube or Instagram. Just scrolling, mindlessly consuming content. My brother was playing guitar this morning with my father (yeah they have a somewhat good relationship). He also comes back home almost every weekend (he is working on a ship). He barely has any time at home and he still accomplishes more than me when he is home, while I am home every day and I don't do shit. He is also very cool with family. I am not so good with them. He has a clean room and is tidy and quick to make changes if needed. I live in a messy room and make changes very slowly, like really. He buys his own clothes and has style, nice cologne. Bro I am walking with a torn shoe and I don't care too much to replace it, and have a mid cologne. He surrounds himself with friends from all over, and I struggle with social interactions. He is more responsible. He is more reliable. He is living life more freely, enjoying it more, while I am compulsively comparing myself to him sitting here in this junkyard alone. Today I felt a little lonely, but not too much. I don't remember when was the last time I really felt lonely. I was just imagining potential relationships, friendships, experiences that I never had and probably never will have and will always ever be in fantasy land, and then I "fell" back to reality realizing that I am this guy, in this body, in this city, in this country, speaking this language, talking to these people. I have very few friends but not a group of friends, which isn't too bad, but I would've want a/some close friend/s that I could feel comfortable enough to talk about how I feel. With my current best friend I am capable of being more honest with my thoughts at times but never really felt comfortable talking about how I feel. I know this will sound a bit conditional but I would've wanted a best friend that is about the same height as me, that likes physical exercise like me and more shared interests. My current best friend isn't too interested in what I'm interested and is very tall. The main thing that holds our connection is our autistic humor (we are both on the spectrum). Yeah man, that day was quite pessimistic. Usually on days like these I tend to whistle more and be more sentimental. Perhaps I'd listen to more sentimental melancholic music, with some nostalgic taste. I let the music do the healing, as well as writing here. A quote that I had in mind: "It ain't a bad life, just a bad day" - LongBeachGriffy (from the song Dark Days)

@Phil Hey man, just wanted to say that recently I had some funny moments with this dude. It's a mixture of bonding and comparing. Same goes with a different guy a mentioned in a different thread about him being similar to me yet better than me and that I don't like him and that I'm jealous of him... But also very recently we were bonding a bit - playing a game that involves physical contact. It's cool to think how the same people can bring up feelings of jealousy and hate, and at other times bring up happiness and appreciation.

Dude did you ever take shrooms before? If so, why did/do you take them and how does it help you in any way?

@Phil Hey man I actually do appreciate it, as well as you explaining what's meant behind those words. Thank you for telling me it's innocence. Sometimes I interpret it as "little", "immature", "unmanly". Also thanks for telling me my funny-ness is the unexpectedness of release of seriousness. If someone were to compliment me that I'm good at relieving with my humor, and that my approach of innocence is inspiring love - I would feel much different about it. It surely feels better that way. What do you mean?

@Phil So you say not to get embarrassed and just normally accept it with a thank you? Also, why would they stop saying it? It's not as though they're trying to trigger me (I guess). I said something along the lines of "I don't understand why you always call me like that" and he says because I'm just "cute, in a good way". It is hard for me to accept it. Usually I just suppress it and act like a victim. I mean, he is a friend in some way. He is nice and it can be funny with him, although he laughs mostly at the fact that it makes me laugh, and following with a "cute" comment. It's for the following up of what I'm saying after that. Just so you can get a general picture of us. And yeah, to try and feel somewhat better. I want to prove people that I know wrong if they think it is inferior. It's like I have this urge to prove them wrong. Ngl I do have a bit of superiority complex (just the type of thoughts that arise with the feelings of insecurity). There are just some people that obviously appear to think like that. If you're thinking like that then at least appear humble. Yeah, that. ‘Be the change you wish to see.' Whoa, we're half way there Whoa oh, livin' on a prayer Take my hand, we'll make it, I swear Whoa oh, livin' on a prayer This song gives the strongest vibe of "let's make it. We'll surely make it! Keep in touch!" Sorta vibe

@Phil Bro the thing is that I don't like when people repeatedly say that to me. I literally made a post about people calling me cute (and floaty). I just naturally blush and get embarrassed and don't know how to respond, which just makes me more "cute". Today in the morning we greeted hellow in a friendly manner - we just banged our heads and started trying to push each other with our heads lol, and then he said he doesn't want to try harder because he would knock me off to that car. Yesterday made it obvious after we shook hands and started trying to pull each other and his pull strength is stronger than mine. Today when we were next to some machines he said he doesn't want to start flexing. He has buckets of protein shakes and creatine above his desk in his office. We're around the same age. He does a mixture of weight lifting and also some weighted calisthenics. I currently do just calisthenics and plan to move to weighted calisthenics in a few months. He is tall and stronger than me. I am normal height and I honestly prefer the body I've been given and I believe I'm a little more aesthetic (showing you the raw real thoughts). I think what's bothering me really is that he, like other people might think that calisthenics is weaker than weight lifting (there are certainly people who think that because "calisthenics is all body weight" but forget about progressions and weighted calisthenics). I personally think calisthenics and especially weighted calisthenics are the best and coolest. "I'll prove them wrong someday not too far" is what I think to myself. Yeah I actually do often appreciate people who train, but the second they give me the feeling like they're talking from above I start hating. I like to talk with someone and have the feeling of "I support you, you support me. Together we'll reach our goals and make it" which really inspires me. 😂 Nice I think you are confident, social and not scared though, purely from the things you write and from the calls I had with you and from your videos. This is confidence and not scared though

@Orb you know, every here and there I wish I had something that there's only in anime and not irl... It's like we yearn for a certain lifestyle that you only find in fantasies... cool... Surely seems better than that boring ass life

@Phil Yeah dude. Today for almost the whole day I didn't feel so good because of that one guy in my team that showed me he's stronger than me (not flexing, but made some comments) and treats me like a cute kid (calls me all the time cute as a compliment but idk because it looks like he's the mature one and I'm the child). He also has it super good socially as for someone with "autism" like me. The initial wanting aspect of jealousy is to be stronger than him (man I just can't lie. I'm being honest with you). So you're saying it's not so much about what they have that I don't, but rather what I hold onto that they don't - that I'm doing the unnecessary work. I don't really know what? Is sharing somehow affecting? Is keeping it to oneself different? (Perhaps better?) I'm pretty sure a woman would prefer a confident guy that is social and loving. If he has a purpose and finds meaning and shares joy I'm 100 sure that women would fall for him. I'm also very sure that women would NOT fall for an unconfident man, scared to fully live. Imma be completely honest with you: When I experience some sort of jealousy towards someone, the first thing I think about after some comparison is that I hate them and need to be more than them, better than them, and thus assert my value. I think this is a very accurate description.

@Phil Yeah I experience lots of jealousy towards people who have it more easy and simple with family and social interactions, now that I'm introspecting. I just answered myself, huh. I want more easygoing interactions with family and that I don't need to worry from offending someone. I want also more easygoing social interactions where I don't need to monitor everything I'm saying and be stressful because of it. I want to speak in an easygoing fashion without overthinking (thinking too much about myself). I don't know how they've obtained it. It just seems that some people just have it easier than others and they didn't need to do any work towards it. Forget work, they just don't seem to be worried about it because they're already doing well. Now that I'm thinking about it... just today I felt a little jealous of a guy I work with (not in a hateful way.. maybe it was more frustration than jealousy). He was awarded a special rank of an officer and has got this nice uniform. He was there with his wife and family and he seemed happy. He is a big guy (heavy weight lifting) with buzz cut and a clean beard. Really looks like a guy many women would fall for. He is known by many people as a legend, king, chad... he is honestly a good guy and he was awarded the excellent officer back when he did his course. Many people rely on him. He is very kind. In many ways he appears to be the definition of manly. Yeah, can't imagine myself to be like him. (I mean, that kinda makes sense since the image of me isn't the image of him...)

All those places in this beautiful world... this dream I long to return to Work and all those late hours of moving around just make it feel like I'm in a cage, a loop. There is this consistent pattern Why is it hard to break out? Decisions are made now, but why always delayed to a 'future' that doesn't exist and never comes? I lost touch with music, with languages, and with nature. I do workout though, which is a plus, in fact - it's my obsession now. Trying to master the handstand (yeah I'm really into calisthenics) - a healthy addiction I guess. But I still wish to return to a softer place, a place of freedom and love - being in that place I once was. Land of opportunity and curiosity. Learning something new is scary. Damn I kinda miss this week-off I had from work because of my teeth extractions. But I have more teeth that are gonna get extracted in a few weeks and I feel hopeful about it.

@Phil Today it happened again. We met with the cousins and at some points I just felt powerless. Those younger kids are more able to point fingers at others and feel comfortable name calling, but I am scared to stand for myself and be like "You know, this is not really nice to say" or something like that. This just makes me somewhat of a pussy that can't take a joke, just not cool. I mean, yeah these are assumptions but it do be like that that what they say is somewhat more acceptable than if I were to say similar stuff - my father would criticize me in front of the family.

@Mandy Not tryna be pushy... but I'd like to hear it. Usually you add some understanding in your stories which I enjoy

Suffering is thoughts + pain in the body = discord... something like that I guess

@Cupcake I get you here This I did not understand

@Phil Nothing fun about what I said though

@Phil That they'll laugh perhaps at something silly I did (without name callings afterwards). That the oldest cousin (also a young teenage girl) would stop trying to act "cool" and talk down on people. That my grandma will not feel reluctant to have a conversation with me. I don't know man... I'm just now thinking about ways in which they can behave that will make it easier for me but I find that I'm fucked up in all of them somehow.

@Phil That's because it is said that the cat is dead and alive at the same time, but direct experience tells us there's no cat. In the same way you say that suffering only exists in thought and can't be pointed to in direct experience. However Phil, there's still the undeniable discord felt above anything else in direct experience. Take away the word "suffering" and just know that I am referring to the direct experience of the suffering (discord in body).

@Pluto Oh ok I think I get you, but: Where did you pull that from? What are "sexual fluids" and how are they more powerful than blood? I do understand this part. I do daily exercise and it is true that I feel less of a need to masturbate. But the question is - is it the "sexual energy" that's circulating throughout my body because of exercise that gives me the energy, or is it solely the act of exercise that gives me the energy throughout the body?