fopylo

Alright so I did today a 30 minute session a bit after I came back from work. I was also only on like 5 hours of sleep. I felt like I'm getting easily caught up in thoughts, cloudy, but like you know, when you get tired and shit and you start dozing off. Let's just say that it got me sleepy and right after the meditation I fell on my bed and decided to take a little nap. The thing is that I was with my work clothes which aren't clean and I tried laying on the side of my legs and half the body on the floor or just partly on the bed. It was kinda shit not gonna lie... What was the point of meditating if that was what happened? Was it a signal to me that I must take a rest and that I'm honestly tired, or perhaps it was the meditation that caused it?

@Phil I don't know man, like what do you expect me to answer? How am I supposed to know? For real man

@DMT Elf Not sure, what happened?

@Phil I don't know man. Sometime I'd like to be a musician... I want to someday create music and maybe also with lyrics so some ideas I have... A song about maybe how life is amazing to me, about friendship, about the times I'm down bored and pessimistic, about change, about youth, about me, how people see me, about inspiration... I want to be inspiring. But I don't feel like I'm able to do it now, don't feel ready yet

The funny thing is that day or a few later I might be like "My life sucks and I never accomplish what I want! I simply want to be an artist/musician but am overwhelmed by perfectionistic standards"

I don't feel like elaborating too much, but ever since I was a young kid I kinda had this vision in my mind of how my life will very generally look like, kinda vague but also kinda not. In this vision/story for example I am good friends with my first friend in school (1st grade. We stopped contact at like grade 4), and then I won't be seeing him for quite a while. Each one going on his own adventure, and just for some reason not seeing each other for a very very long time. We will only meet again as adults (like in our 30's or 40's) to reunite. So something similar happened: We've actually had a trip together with our previous guider after I finished camp (has been some time since I've seen him, and there was some excitement) and I really suffered there and hated the way he treated me (I actually made a post on that). My theory is that at some point in the future we will meet again, but currently don't feel like it. Also I've dreamt (in this story) that I'll have a very powerful leadership role and do very meaningful things, probably something army related, or just something serious. I've been given at first a shitty job, and I had the option to go to some autistic program which I thought very negatively about (all that labeling, you know). Turns out this program is the best thing that I could ever ask for! I'm getting emotional over it. It gave me the opportunity to experience the best bootcamp I could experience (even harder and more serious than what some 'regular' soldiers go through). And let's just say I got probably one of the best fields you could possibly ever get in the army. I would consider it the best thing in the army. Super meaningful, and gives this unique feeling of action + classified tech (don't want to say much). I am in this euphoria. I am going to do something so fucking meaningful. There's probably also the relation to my desire for being an officer. How cool would it be to be a leader in something so interesting? I really hope to become an officer. I'll put effort into it. Probably I gotta chill a little bit cause I dunno shit yet cuz I didn't even start yet lol. Also I'm surrounded with great friends that I can speak more honestly to. I've been opening up more and more. I've been accepting my more 'twisted' taste in sexual desire and porn. I feel so glad and lucky as hell to be me! Is this narcissism? I've always been humble and respectful. I want to understand what the fuck is this dream/narrative I've had as a kid. As time passes I'm starting to think of it more as a future teller, some kind of magic. I don't know. It drives me crazy the more I try to think about it, but in the higher emotions, you know.

@James123 Out of curiosity, why do you say that? Sitting for only 30 minutes a day isn't enough? 30 minutes already feels like quite some time... 2 hours sounds like a chunk of my day. Also, my feet, butt and lower back hurt quite a bit after 30 minutes of sitting crossed leg on the floor leaning on something a little uncomfortable. An hour seems like a path for suffering, an opening gate for all the clouds to come. I like to think that 30 minutes is good enough for now because I believe if I go any longer then I'll enter the fog. It is like doing a quick run before it gets foggy. But I'm really open to what you have to say

"The True Self is pure transparent empty awareness" - Leo Gura On his video of The Enlightened Self

I'm quite a clown. What am I even fucking doing? I'm meditating, doing the practice, yet I still don't do exciting things. Meditated this morning for 30 minutes. Now it's night. I've been watching anime, vaping, jerking off and eating bits of junk food. I was also planning on doing exercise. Why is this? Could it be subconscious stress? Am I feeling the stress of planning a birthday party at my little house? I'm overthinking. But fuck this. What is fricking going on right now?

Alright, so as it seems for me at least now on the path, the purpose of meditation is helping to resolve with this moment, to be with it as it is, just as it is, not running away, not trying to escape, not trying to achieve something beyond, just living, nothing. I believe that this practice is essentially enjoying and being free in this moment, now, and abide in it - always. Well then, with that said, since everything is now, then the practice helps to live more wholly and free of resistance/suffering (because also suffering is now). Now when desire arises there are many times doubts and negative thought clouds and self referential thinking that cloud the vision, feel bad, and believe them to be right and infallible. Meditation is supposed to make it easier for letting the desire come and shine?

@Phil Jokes aside, is this an expression of anger?

I planned to exercise today. Didn't happen... I don't feel like doing much. There is some numbness. I am just not doing anything, well, more like - watching anime, jerking off, vaping, and bits of junk food. I don't know how I feel about that

@Loop Maybe that's why it was easier now... @Lotus Falling into thought stories isn't quite the good feeling, you know? Doesn't feel like me... Those are expectations of a thought-based self, which come and go. Honest question then: I know (with the assumption) that meditation is without expectations and rather a focus on the present moment... what is really supposed to be the outcome of the practice (not 'at the end of the session', but rather the practice itself, meditation)? For instance, I could say that practicing piano makes me feel good and that I'm expressing more of Me through my body and sounds that feel great. The playing feels good, sometimes calm, sometimes sad, sometimes I don't feel like playing, but playing the piano doesn't help me organize my life and pursue other desires... In general though, when I'm caught up in some stories... building stories on top of stories on top of stories... should I just be with those stories, like going deep with those stories and entertain myself, keeping it running?

Does love always feels like... love? What is love? Is it just the letting of everything arising to be? But it still doesn't feel... well, AMAZING, you know?

Perhaps I could say this was a little journey of just being

Just did a 30 minute meditation: I wasn't trying to be nobody. Wasn't trying to achieve anything. Wasn't trying much. This approach really helped clear my mind, lot's of the overthinking settled down. In a sense, all I did was sit still with eyes closed for no reason. Well... maybe simply to be with everything that comes/is, and not resist it. It might've been a good session, maybe not. Honestly I don't know. Perhaps there was a little bit of trying to remain flowing and a slight resistance trying to avoid falling into thought stories.

Just did a 30 minute meditation: I wasn't trying to be nobody. Wasn't trying to achieve anything. Wasn't trying much. This approach really helped clear my mind, lot's of the overthinking settled down. In a sense, all I did was sit still with eyes closed for no reason. Well... maybe simply to be with everything that comes/is, and not resist it. It might've been a good session, maybe not. Honestly I don't know. Perhaps there was a little bit of trying to remain flowing and a slight resistance trying to avoid falling into thought stories.

@Lotus Today I was meditating for 30 minutes, but damn... not an easy session. I felt like I kept falling into thought stories, then 'trying' to meditate and try to focus on being (a perspective of what is being). I was just trying to get somewhere sometimes. Letting go, more like trying to let go, felt like I'm pushing it. Was frustrated and annoyed like 5 minutes before it ended, but then my overactive mind tried to conceptualize this experience as well... After the meditation I didn't feel much like I'm more loving and more myself. I still felt like I'm hooked on some thoughts. Later on I got thinking about it, that maybe more people can relate, perhaps? I believe the phrase "the more personal, the more universal" can apply here. I've been wondering how to really let go and drop into Being without conceptualizing the experience (holding onto thought stories)

There's this 'substance' that's starting to be more realized... This coming-ness to I. The True form

Ok so I did a 30 minute meditation, and felt like I needed it. I was worn out after this work day. I was simply being, there was just no other option. The pessimism was so strong that the best thing I could do was be, and it will easily be expressed. An insight that came to mind: I am awareness, or like this empty space. Thoughts arise but like I am not in control of the thoughts I'm gonna have, thus I can't control my thoughts. "Me" is also a thought residing in this empty space. Even if I am not in control of the so believed 'my' thoughts, I can still feel powerful and in control because the thoughts feel like Me, my real self, this affirming feeling. When this feeling comes to conscious awareness then it's easier to see all thoughts as coming and going, and you not trying - here comes the way of non: Non-trying, non-engaging... which doesn't mean avoidance, but rather letting them be, not trying to convince yourself a conceptual you exists which can change the circumstances. With that said, the way I navigate myself is through feeling, feeling more and more like Myself, this flow and clarity. Flow and clarity shouldn't turn into a believed concept because then I'll be locked in this perspective (which will actually get me out of this flow), and then you go back to not trying and just being. Feeling is what will guide you towards yourself.

Meditation... So much trying, doing - putting effort in to it when effort is not needed. But there is the belief that one is doing something for the sake of achievement. Trying to get there. So much fucking trying. If I just don't do anything than where am I? Not conscious of this feeling really

I would love to be this person... especially the way he treats this girl. If I had a girlfriend that I love I would like to take her into the wonders of this world through my music and express music to her. This man is inspirational. Haha, ay yo what am I on? Nothing too serious, but had that desire going on. Wow I'm such an INFP

@DMT Elf Bro why you being depressive though? 😅

@Mandy I honestly don't quite understand what you so like about it?😂 (not trying to sound offensive) Like, if this was a man version I would certainly not want to aspire to look like that when I'm old.

I guess meditation isn't that beautiful after all... Well, not that it isn't an art, but it can be ugly, and I have tried skipping this point. Leo said that it will get very tough sometimes, and I might very well suffer a lot from the meditation for like 2 years. Fuck. Not that I want to believe it will be 2 years, but mostly the idea that I might and will end meditation sessions feeling more awful than before I started them. Could it be because in the process of letting go I am feeling the pain deeper, and then build beliefs around this stronger pain, making the suffering even greater? Funny how it can counterattack