fopylo

An idea came up to mind: It's probably about time to try to improve my relationship with my brother. Don't have much on my mind at the moment. Maybe to play with him some basketball, maybe ask him about the military when his time comes. Just thought it would make me a better big brother, showing some example, feeling better whenever with extended family (less embarrassment), and therefore more open - open to venture out into new territories of myself without feeling shame and exclusion.

Kinda brings to mind this song:

Kinda brings to mind that song:

What do you guys think? Also, would appreciate if you could check out the previous 2 comments before this one (you don't have to if you don't want), and would like to hear what you think. Thanks

"Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars."🌠 It kinda hit me hard. Recently life has been going in a very interesting direction, very good. I feel like part of the reason for it being very good is that I want it to be amazing. I always try to shoot for the best, high standards. I want to live an amazing unique life. As long as you shoot for the best, you're always gonna end up in a great place close to heart. Even if it isn't exactly what you had in mind... as long as you strive for greatness, you'll land among greatness. Basically, what I believe it says is: Shoot for the best, the greatest, the most desired from your heart. If it doesn't come exactly as you imagined, then just remember to listen to your heart, and you'll move forwards towards greatness. You'll land close to heart eventually, and you'll soon realize it.

@Mandy What do you mean?

I also noticed that in the summer season I tend to be more Yang: More energy, Power, Strength. Daylight gives rise to heroes. Also, the sunsets are very beautiful which makes it kinda emotional as well. Nostalgic in the friendship realm, in romance, mostly emphasizing the 'what if', 'how wonderful it could be'. Also department, each one going on his own journey, like when a beautiful anime episode ends at sunset. Winter tends to be more Yin: In the same way that summer is part Yin part Yang (Yang more stressed), same for winter. The Yin is more stressed: More introversion, listening to emotional music, idealizing a better more authentic future, triggered mostly by music (especially nostalgic music, or just music that I emotionally connect to like from some video games, but not all). Winter can also get pretty nostalgic (there is less of a sense of "I am the one in power and control, riding my life" like in summer). Winter is more like "let's take a ride and observe the unfolding". Nostalgic in the sense of "wow, I feel much younger... brings me to the days I was innocent", "I feel like a child, vulnerable and innocent". Summer is more emotional at sunsets and with friends, talking about life and riding our lives (also listening to heartfelt music, preferably in introversion). Winter is more emotional when the sky is grey, listening to emotional (mostly sad, but that depends by how you define it, because I refer to 'sad' musically) music in introversion while contemplating life. Summer is more energetic for doing exercise and honing physical ability. Winter is more peaceful in the realm of introversion. My desires tend to ebb and flow as a result of the seasons changing. Perhaps it isn't something to worry too much after all. Perhaps it'll be natural if my desires will change and then 'come back'. All I want is not to forget. I'm off for a run

I'm starting a new phase. Just don't forget: Insaneintherainmusic Becoming a Shaolin monk Anime Japanese I want to become an artist (music) Coloring my hair in the future Keep exercising and reaching peak levels of fitness Know how to backflip Keep practicing the piano. Don't lose this musical gift. Don't give up on learning languages. Keep in touch with friends from the bootcamp, from camp, and some high school friends, and of course with O and S. This is somewhat exhilarating..

@Phil Why is it like that though? Yes. I mean, feeling only fear can get boring. There's also a lot of conceptualizing emotions which makes it all tricky. Yes! On point man. This is deriving from the assumption there are other people (who judge), and because they're not stupid animals of course they think and have opinions. So yeah, I do believe that there are thinkers. Perhaps that's also what restrains me from fully living - those beliefs under the category of 'other'. But you know what? This then got me questioning... How do you know I am experiencing, feeling an emotion, experience thoughts, perceiving? How do you know the same for you applies to me? How can I know the same for me applies to you? Everything you've ever experienced has only been through your senses, Phil's senses; but not through any other to know for sure that "suffering = thought attachment", "Morning meditation is a game killer", assuming we all agree on what is a thought and we all experience it the same way... Well, a little bit of effort if I'm in the groove and got used to it (even if the release feels a little better), but not much effort if it hurts. then what do you mean by that?

@Phil Could you give an example? I forgot to mention that sometimes I get very much engaged with the music I'm listening to and get those peak experiences when listening to music and falling in love with it. I love my dog and I love music. Here, I found 2 things I love, but I can't genuinely love another person. I just can't, and it is a little scary and too much for me. I kinda lost you...😅 Could you maybe simplify it a bit? Do you think the belief in people and others is what's stopping me from expressing myself fully? Then why is it easier for some people (bear with me with that word for a moment) to let go of thoughts and for other people it is harder. Some individuals have an easier time meditating while others have a hard time releasing discordant thoughts? ... as well as fitness. The discordant thoughts are really the thoughts about other people, but about yourself. The emotions are felt. Express the emotions to release the self referential beliefs. Don’t settle for the assumption the emotions felt are caused by the people. Holy shit bro, my pattern of thinking of other people is overflowing all over what I'm writing. The discordant thoughts are really about other people, forgetting myself. This gets me wondering: Is expressing done from the 'place' of me, like from the me standpoint, as "the center of the world"? So when you say "Express the emotions to release the self-referential beliefs" do you mean to return to myself and speak/be true? It is, as seen from the original post. Thinking of reasons never helps, just creates more beliefs.

I really like Japanese music, especially if it is used also in anime (extra points). I just feel very like myself. It is what I really like and find myself enjoying

for the first few hours a deadass thought there's some serious internet problem with my laptop lol

All I want is to be able to feel warm inside, always. To not be afraid when talking to people. All I want is to feel myself, to live from the heart and be me. All I want is to know what it love. It has been ages since I've really loved something, and it is daunting recently. I can't allow myself to feel love for any family member (some I just don't like, and some I just can't trust). The only thing I can love is my cute dog, but if my father is near me then it is very difficult to show my affection. I never knew what is true friendship, what is true brotherhood, what is true family love because I never really got to experience much of this. The only reason I can even talk about wishing it is because I might have a few abandoned remnants in my mind of what it feels like from when I was a toddler. I also forgot how it feels to cry. This might be the peak of restrain/resistance, since it is similar to love. Last time I've cried it was like 3 years ago at my grandfather's funeral (but not so much, because still there were people around). Sometimes you have those emotional scenes in movies that do make me feel something strong, but there's always a barrier that won't release it to tears. Honestly I've really tried letting myself, but just tears don't come out. Man, I've been missing so much. Seeing all those kids having fun, living. Seeing all the people my age express and be comfortable in their own skin around others... Why am I the only screwed one? I guess god had to fuck me up somehow, no? This might be suppressing... I don't know. In like a week I'm supposed to meet the new people from the course I'll be doing, and I'm kinda nervous, thinking maybe doing lots of meditation will help have a better edge when the rubber hits the road and socializing time has come. All I want is an easy life. All I want is a peaceful life. All I want is an exciting life, of living how I truly want to live; I want a life of purpose and following my dreams. It shouldn't be that hard, I know that. But please, how long is it still gonna be like that? How long will I need to wait? Not experiencing love and crying before the age of 30? I am scared of other people. A strong physique with a weak endurance; A strong persona with a weak soul.

There are thoughts, but it's not as though they're separate from 'the real'

"When you focus on you, you grows. When you focus on shit, shit grows." - Dwayne Johnson

It is just having an experience that you can very much assure "This feels like Me" It's the feeling of being yourself vs. the image of yourself. The feeling is great and you always enjoy basking in it when it happens, you're just not thinking spiritual concepts and what's right and wrong at the moment. The image could be thought to be what/who you are, but you might still not feel like you're yourself and confusion arises. The default, put up against all the suffering one experiences feels like pure bliss. But who am I to know that for sure? Maybe ask someone else

You should check this out, and read the description of the video!

OMG I just can't stop listening to this. Something very beautiful about it

Life is rich when you're yourself

I'm planning on buying his album. Such an amazing person

There is something interesting with what you're saying because I also remember having such an experience before. The thing is that the way I think about emotions has changed already and I don't use them much, this is because it can make you fall into the illusion of believing the emotion and the thought of an emotion are the same. So then, what is an emotion? The way I like to think about it is that when you feel like yourself then you're experiencing an emotion. You know how sometimes you feel like you? That the entire folding of experiencing is happening in front of your eyes live? That feeling of realness and control? So when you experience that then you're feeling some kind of emotion. All emotions can only be felt in honesty. Being yourself is being honest, which gives space and energy for the emotions to move and be experienced (emotion = energy in motion). By default you'll feel good. Promised. If you're feeling overwhelmed, then frustration for you is like heaven, it is the best thing you could possibly experience. And why am I saying it? Back to the difference between the experience of emotion and the thought of emotion: You might think the emotional scale is telling you like "Oh, pessimism is aight I guess because it's a spectrum and so the closer I get to Joy the better I'll feel" (thought), but I think this is an unhealthy way to think of it. I believe a better way is identifying the emotion you're experiencing (you might not be perfect at that, but it doesn't really matter because -) and then reach for a better feeling, focus on feeling better, more real, more you. Let's say for example you feel some discord (say frustration); The reason you're stuck on frustration is because you've stopped feeling like yourself, you've stopped prioritizing feeling like YOU and instead get caught entertained/disturbed by those thoughts. The way you move 'up' the scale is by sort of trying to like 'find yourself' (focus on the feeling of being you) and then automatically this frustration morphs into pessimism - which is the greatest thing you could've asked for! - Because it is not just "you moved to pessimism", but you got back into the momentum of being you, which is amazing! Now that you got to this heavenly space of being yourself, now everything else is just morphing - different thoughts appear, you feel even more like yourself, however, it is only and ever only the next emotion that is most wanted at every given moment. From the perspective of experiencing frustration, every emotion further from pessimism will feel discordant. But yeah, anyways I think a more clear way to go about it all is just the "reaching for the better feeling" by being yourself.

Man... I've been in love with this man's music for years already, and he also released not long ago an original album conducting a band. I just watched his livestream he did with the band members, and his personality is just amazing and I love and respect the way he treats those people. Man, everyone loves him. Here's the livestream: The way he explains every piece he wrote and the meaning he gives them is truly amazing and wonderful - a very whole album, like I feel he really won it and it is a gem! Also the way he concludes stuff and says thank to everyone... It all somehow reminds me of myself for some reason. I used to be very jealous of this guy, but I won't get into it now. I feel like I've had some success in my life, but in the sense that I felt that I'm the main character in my life, appreciating as much as I can, complementing people, lifting people up, wanting the people I hang out with to do well and win in life, in feeling and living amazingly. The way in which he thanks everyone at the end and concludes everything in such a structured whole way reminds me of the way I like to appreciate things - having an amazing time and then at the end thanking the people. It reminds me of the birthday party I had at my house for my 20th birthday in which I invited all the friends that were (and still are) a part of my life at different phases, more like we took part in different times/phases. So it was nice seeing all those friends together (even though some were foreign to the other, but they got along pretty well) and I enjoyed seeing all the people I'm close to in one space, damn. After each person left I literally accompanied each and every one, so to thank them individually for coming and that I'm glad they came and that I hope to keep in touch. With that, I concluded it in a wholesome way. So back to this musician. Even though it has nothing to do with me and it is his huge project, all his appreciation feels satisfying and wholesome.. to me. Damn. It feels like I'm the one satisfied from the release of this album. How come?

@Mandy What have I wrote that made you think that it sounds like jealousy though? I could probably understand if you'd say that focusing on something shitty leads to more shitty things appearing, but I still think it's a coincidence that in those two events I was encountered by women I tried to avoid. Sick as hell🔥 I can relate to that. Most of my friends know me for my odd sterile perfectionistic behavior. I have tried sitting with it for a bit, but it still didn't make me somehow relax into it and decide to go to the gathering. It's like the feeling you get when you finally decide on a 'no'. @Phil Wait hold on hold on, could you please further explain this? You got me curious. When did I say I felt insecure, and that "I'm done"? Also the last sentence Nah man I lost you haha

@Mandy Hits me time and time again during meditation I can tell you that😅 You can't just be trying to find the negative and then "fix" it; As long as the focus is on the discord then you aren't going any 'forwards'. Sometimes I feel like I'm lucky to have this forum where I can just let everything out when I feel heavy inside and people can listen and reach out, it's kinda nice. I remember those times of being overwhelmed and not knowing who to speak with about it. Some people just push everything down. Actually I felt kinda relieved. The purpose of writing it here is mostly for getting it out of my head and the people may read it and maybe even respond, even though the responses don't help much because I'm already relieved, but it feels good to receive responses. You got me really curious. I really want to know how it stuck out I was expressing jealousy, because at the time of writing it I was actually thinking this was more like disappointment or pessimism. YOU do the digging. Yeah I kinda said it lightly, in a light quick expression. It's like you imagine for 1 sec "Oh he's gone, he's gone" when you clearly know that no one's "gone" (can't be changed). Yeah, people are kinda fluid. I don't believe that because there's no way it was intentional. It is mere luck (or misfortune) to see the ex-date a few seconds after the 2 girls (they had nothing to do with eachother)

@Phil But how is it jealousy though?