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WhiteOwl

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  1. Conversation with "myself" Why do i keep focus on thoughts instead of letting them go instantly. I get the so called false excitement from them. Seeing "myself" in situations with "others", in ways that portrays me as cool, clever, daring, helpful, perfect, mystical, spiritual, talented, or all at once preferably. It just feels so good, or so i falsely believe. The stomach tightens. But i smile and laugh when i do it. Is it bad then? It keeps you stuck. But it seems so quiet and almost boring to just sit compared to playing nice scenes and laughing. Don't you want to be ready for the "real" world? Not your flimsy little thoughts. But actually have energy and clarity when being in the world. You know the joy that comes from not having focus on thoughts. You know you show up.
  2. Day 29. 1. IM. I appreciate her and what happened. 2. Studio time with S yesterday. Amazing we had a lot done and it was very cosy. 3. Friday night. Connected with a lot of people. 4. Got invited to two birthdays parties after thinking i would love to get more invites to stuff. 5. The kid i spoke to on saturday. He was cute and interesting. 6. The track we finished yesterday. Excellent. 7. Earning money. 8. Feeling really great. 9. Connecting with people. 10. I really appreciate good talks about interesting topics. 11. I love and appreciate looking really good and sexy. 12. Psychedelics 13. Meditation
  3. So what is believed about IM. I feel wierd/insecurity/unwoworthiness around her. I am holding back around her. She judges me. - I don't want to say anything stupid I am too quiet around her - Feeling the guidance of insecurity Unwowothiness what a funny mistake. Clarifying its impossible to be unworthy. Is it really possible to have more or less worth than anyone else? Does worth exist? How do you get more of it?
  4. Lets do some scale work. Thoughts this morning that i might actually be the creator of my own reality. If that is true and if everything is one, there are some obvious things that i want to cut out. Why would i want anything but love and appreciation. I feel the guidance of insecurity, unworthiness when thinking i am too skinny or not looking handsome enough. When thinking "I am not enough for her" I feel insecurity when my friend was talking about doing wild things. I feel jealousy when my friend said something clever. Feeling insecurity and unworthiness and jealousy makes me feel anger. I feel blame and disappointment after doing drugs/alcohol last friday. It was a really great night though. I feel doubt if i can actually create what i truly want. I feel overwhelment when trying to think for other people. Going for a walk. Still so tired after friday writing is not pleasant right now.
  5. So the thought of us two holding hands is not a subject-object thought? It comes down to the interpretation only as that is where the subject comes in. I somehow thoughts the subject/object was about what the thought was about, but this makes a lot more sense.
  6. Are expectations not recommended by Abraham Hicks for example? "What you expect, you get" sort of. I notice when there is something i want that is about to happen or is going in the right direction, i feel some fear or insecurity that can stifle it. Like there is something to lose all of sudden. Could also have to do with not wanting to feel disappointment, also since you mention expectations playing a role which makes sense. Is dispelling beliefs / bypassing expectations the same? or else how do you mean? Nice thread
  7. πŸ€£πŸ’š I have had that experience many times also, dont worry. Have had confusion and crisis after every ayahuasca ceremony so far. Never walked away feeling great. But you are meant to go through it however you feel, and ive always come out more clear after a while.
  8. Want to journal to feel better. How do i feel? There is the meeting coming up. I feel the guidance of insecurity. My hair doesn't look perfect and i don't feel that aligned right now. Thoughts of wanting to avoid her make me feel anger and revenge. Punishing her by not wanting to talk to her. Those thoughts feel like anger and revenge so they are not what i actually want. Thoughts of them being together make me feel jealousy and anger. If i am going to be some tool for them to be together. Feeling the guidance of anger. "Romeo and juliet" feeling the guidance of anger. feeling this anger and jealousy make me feel discouragement feeling discouragement i often end up blaming myself for it. This anger and blame makes me feel worry if i am doing things right or if i am ready for the situations i am facing. Feeling worry makes me feel doubt about being able to create the life that i want and be myself. I feel the guidance of doubt when feeling these emotions. I feel doubt if my music is good enough sometimes. I sometimes feel disappointment towards life when things don't go according to my plans. I feel overwhelment when thinking that i need to work a lot to feel better. That i can lose the good feeling once i have it. I feel overwhelment by emotions. I feel frustration and impatience when trying to feel better. Trying to get from here to there kind of. I feel pessimism right now. "I don't know if i am ready to feel good yet" Laughing at that. I sometimes feel boredom. "Still don't know if am completely ready feel good. Does that mean i will have to be content and smiley?" Okay doing it. I feel contentment seeing this honest and textbook scale example. I felt every step quite clearly with the next corresponding emotion. Amazing really. I feel content knowing i can always do this, and that dots are connecting. I feel hopefulness knowing that its just my thoughts and perspectives causing emotions and not the situations themselves. I feel hopefulness that source is guiding me. I feel hopefulness going into the meeting today. I feel hopefulness we will figure it out tonight. I feel positive expectations that things are unfolding correctly. Why wouldn't they? BECAUSE I KNOW THINGS. I KNOW HOW THIS WORKS. I feel eagerness to create feeling aligned. I feel eagerness being a creator and to see what incredible things life continues to show. I feel passion for the music project. I feel passion for connecting with people, and for seeing what this creation can do. I truly feel love and appreciation for everything that has happened. Really honestly. This is such an amazing "dream" looking around, with so many interesting and amazing creations. I feel appreciation for the situation that has happened and for what its teaching. Damn its just what i needed. I feel love and appreciation for how "life" is starting to turn around. The magic that was somehow forgotten for some years is really showing itself. This is complete unfathomable magic. FUCK YES
  9. So lets learn something and feel better. I woke up crazy tired even after such good preparation yesterday. I feel quite sure i didn't drink enough water yesterday though so i felt like having drunk a bottle of redwine waking up. Feeling anger and blame for not waking up fresh and productive. This anger and blame makes me feel discouragement starting the day since i was expecting to wake up fresh and feel great without heavy head fatigue. I feel disappointment waking up not feeling great, and not waking up when my alarm rang after 8 hours. Feeling all this makes me feel overwhelment. I feel so much frustration and irritation when i don't start the day perfectly as i had planned. Thoughts beating "myself" up arise. I feel pessimism "this day is not good" "its not as good as it could have been" "Now thought has momentum" "I have already thought too many thoughts" Assumption : "I have to be productive." Damn those thoughts must feel like pessimism. And they sure do. I forgive myself. I forgive S and IM. They are both really great, actually. I forgive "myself" for sometimes focusing on discordant thoughts, and for not always doing things perfectly. Why is contentment not felt? Because the day started like this. I feel guilt and unworthiness not managing to start the day like i wanted. I feel worry not thinking "wanted thoughts" or positive thoughts, and therefor attracting something i don't want. I feel worry i am changing situations towards what i don't want with thoughts. I feel contentment looking around this room right now. Its relaxed and fine. Maybe slightly pessimistic still. "Still could be better" I feel content for yesterday and how some thoughts really seem to just lose its grip, and then the situation changes in front of you. All this obsessiveness around music and about other people, women. Its not doing anything, the thoughts just feel discordant and tricks me into believing things are a certain way. Sometimes when i feel really good the thought "I am arrogant" arises. feeling the guidance of blame, guilt. I feel guilty for feeling good sometimes, very true. I feel hopefulness feeling this contentment for no reason at all. Seeing that just letting go of all the worries and thoughts about how things should or shouldn't be, contentment arises. I feel hopefulness letting go of the "how" of how things are going to happen. Just taking the day one moment at a time. I feel positive expectations for putting out some more music soon and for creating my mix today. I feel optimism moving to a new place next week. New energy, new things happening. I don't know what i feel eagerness for or passion. I feel love and appreciation for life and for creation. I feel appreciation for everything that has happened, its BEING fantastic. Time for breakfast
  10. Here is the thing. There is a little bit of Joeseph in the Maynor and a little bit of Maynor in the Joseph.. Its a wobble between chaos and/or order. Notice this.
  11. If you think so.. Anyways thanks for clarifying the plot. Want to watch it again at some point. Saw it 100 times when i was a teenager
  12. Are you talking about my recent bufo experience? or something i didn't read about psychedelics in this thread. But yes. Its been terryfyingly clear today how all my thoughts about "myself" and "others" are just not true and not pointing to anything. Also thoughts about my "goals". I don't fucking know really.
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