WhiteOwl

Everything really is a vibrating appearance. How amazing is that. Nothing to be afraid of. Lets just have as much fun and enjoyment as possible.

allowing lots of hidden guilt. "I have to be perfect". Feeling guilt in thighs and ass. Almost feels good when allowed. COME COME. All these thoughts (Which is one thought) of her and them and bla bla. Its just the limited mind, and not even. It does nothing. Sitting at a cafe smiling and laughing. I have to meet with the people i will play with tonight. I feel almost too excited and happy. Feeling emotions is a fucking superpower. And this gig.. going somewhere new, meeting new people, playing nice music. Thats what i am going for. Feels amazing to try it. Going to taste of more. Feeling fucking blessed right now jesus christ

Thought:" I am not sure how she feels" Feeling the guidance of doubt, worry. The idea that "I" knows how someone feels make me feel doubt. Could be because there is no-one there who feels a certain way. Thoughts of "others" feels like worry. Thoughts that i know or don't know something makes me feel doubt.

Feeling decides what happens in the movie? Which is not separate from the movie

There is the belief that feeling "negative" emotion is manifesting unwanted things. Which is kind of the case? Feels very discordant though.

What i really want is to feel good. That would be the reason for any desire. All thoughts about the desire currently making me feel discouragement, worry, doubt, frustration. Its not fucking worth anything. Suffering for no reason. Why is it so hard to stop it apparently? LET GO AND LET GOD LET GO AND LET GOD

Discordant beliefs triggers feelings in the body. I experience a lot of thoughts causing discordant feelings. Is it necessary to find the beliefs by writing them out, or can you just feel the emotion that comes up, and eventually the belief vanishes (not even being fully aware what it was). It seems like that has been the case, but i feel uncertain that i am just suffering by feeling the emotions coming up without questioning anything. I have a tough time letting go of discordant thoughts recently. Its about a woman there seems to be strong attachment to. Attachment to the outcome. Worrying about whats happening with the situation. I want to just feel good and let it go and let god.

At times when i've been able to focus on breathing deeply from the stomach for a long time to really gain momentum, magic ensued all around me and i felt so incredible. That somehow is not always "easy", like some emotions and thoughts continue to exist and cause discord even through continues deep breathing focus. That i am the dooer, "pushing" my stomach in and out while being aware of it seems to be the case. I can do it half out or full out. Is that not a dooing? I feel frustration and impatience. I feel pessimism.

1. Meditation in the morning, sometimes evening. 2. Sitting feeling into the body/mind. Focusing and giving space to whatever arises or seems to be there. Most incredible change has happened from that practice.. deep trauma healing. 3. Walking, being present and aware of thoughts and seeing 4. Journaling. Recently trying to make more fun with "my own" situation helps to not take it all so serious

Went for a walk. Clearly i am not thoughts or emotions or sensations. I am aware of it. Some thoughts still feel really "bad". Thought of them moving to another city being happy. Thinking of him being a really good boyfriend for her. Of them having sex. Of her being happy with him. "They fit very well together. Its a very good story with them. Way better than me and her". "I am creating that situation now". "I am manifesting this i am focusing upon". I feel jealousy. Anger. I feel doubt that i will meet anyone i am equally attracted to. That thought feels like doubt. Being the author, why can't i create so that we find each other? I want to let go of all this anger, resentment, blame, doubt, unworthiness.

But she gave my life meaning. Now she will be happy with someone else. Even my friend, so i will have to look at them. The anger and resentment is boiling. The grief. Nothing makes any sense anymore. She is constantly there in my thoughts. Everything reminds me of her. Nothing has the spark to be done. I want to let go only so i can get her. Which... doesn't really work apparently. You have to let go WITHOUT wanting anything.. Thats how a universe works obviously. Doh. You have to let go to recieve. So needy and desperate like... can't come up with anything in nature as needy and desperate as that. Tops the list. If i just feel more, i'll finally reach the feeling that attracts what i want. Then ill be good enough, be worthy from all the hard work. But i completely embarrased myself asking her to sleep with me. Her rejection was like a knife to the knee. What kind of loser am i now, having lost AGAIN. She is toying with me. She didn't mind all the kisses and attention the other night. Yea she owes me something. Something good. Something i really want. When i get it, existence will finally make sense. I just KNOW its what i need. Her lips on mine. Heartfelt eye contact. Anal sex. I've used so goddamn much time trying to manifest her in bed, and it felt like i was close and now THIS is where we fucking are. Alone. The lovers reversed. Straight into the scoreboard. Suck my sideways. Whats the learning in all this "stuff" lately. At least let there be a learning. Just imagine all this suffering without learning a damn thing. Sleepless nights. Waking up confused. Restless. Must focus on breathing harder, can't even do that, thoughts pulling me right into it her again, or my lack of. Feeling disappointent from expectations. Talking to them in the chat makes me feel a pit in my stomach. Breathing stops. Worry comes rushing. The little hearts that she makes. If they only were for me. But they are not. Bu-hu-huu. Constantly checking my phone. What if she wrote? What if she is thinking about me? Did she see my message? 6 minutes ago. 8 minutes ago. Where is she, what is she doing? Emotions coming up, it means i'm hopeless. It's actually real. Its not funny. Not. Funny.

Ya'll are fuucked

Card of the day "The lovers reversed" "The Lovers reversed asks you to look at where disharmony may be occurring between you and another. Instead of getting angry at this individual ask, “What is this relationship challenge teaching me about myself?" Will look more into this later. Time to get the day started

Soooo... We were out the other night and i was kissing her and flirting. She was not full on back but surely not saying no either. It was just cute and games. We were also writing afterwards a few times. Yesterday i asked her if she wanted to sleep together, in a funny way but quite directly. She said it wasn't the best idea, so a rejection. I woke up really early only having slept a few hours with a lot of emotion going on. I feel anger, revenge. Why do i feel anger and revenge because of the rejection? NO-ONE does that to ME. Thoughts of them being together and being a great match. That i'll never get her. He is more honest and sincere, which honestly, i think he is. Watching "myself" or the movement of thought it became more clear than ever that my intention is not so pure in this. I am hurt and proud and want to prove myself. But they are just a better match than me and her, and he maybe really loves her more sincerely than i do. I am just trying to prove how great i am. Thoughts can point out endlessly how much a better match they are. It feels awful. Thought "But i just know that they will end up together." "I don't want to help them with that. I feel revenge. I want to draw back and not have anything to do with her". Thought "I am not proud of myself in this. I don't like how i act". I think it still comes down from feeling unworthiness and shame when they came out to be in love. And anger, i feel anger and revenge. They could have dealt with there thing and not have me be the catalysator. I feel disappointment with the rejection also. But thats somehow alright. The growth in this continues, and i see so much of myself all the time, so its actually great really. But if they end up together and i have to look at them i just fucking can't okay. Where do i go from here. Whats wanted I want to feel free, lightheartedness, fun. Free most of all. This has taken so much space for a long time. If i was the creator of this dream, i want them to reconcile as friends and figure it out perfeclty. Then i want a relationship with her. I think. I don't actually know since so much change and growth has happened since we were seeing each other, so its only in imagination. So FREEDOM, FUN, ALIGNMENT. And also.. feel completely happy and loving even if they choose to be together. No resentment, no anger, no revenge, just love. Now breakfast and go practice music for friday. Lets go.

"I should focus on breathing more" feeling blame, frustration. That statement somehow seems to be true if feeling more aligned is wanted. My friend is on a retreat doing a lot of 5Meo with a facilitator. I feel worry thinking that he will be transformed and win her. Or thoughts make it seem so. I feel worry about that interpretation. Whats in this interpretation? If they want each other for real, isn't that whats best for everyone. Would i want to get in between that or prevent that? Or try to puff myself up? Not really.. Wouldn't last or be worthwhile. "I feel worry how she thinks or feels about me. That she thinks i am unworthy or not enough. She thinks i feel unworthy or not enough". Is there a separate self thinking thoughts about me? How does this interpretation feel? Feels like shame, unworthiness, insecurity.

What thoughts are active. "She is there all the time" "I cant let go of her" Obviously she ain't here. And I never "had" her or anyone so how could i let go of "her". How does those thoughts feel? Frustration, impatience. Are the thoughts really about her? Is she or anyone actually in thought? It seems as if i'm feeling like this because i can't let go of thoughts of her. Whats felt is that interpretation. Thats amazing.

Lets start from the bottom and express. I feel jealousy thinking of them doing things together. Her being loving towards others. That makes me feel jealousy. I feel jealousy when i saw my friend having a gig. I feel some anger/rage. "She didn't reply me back" I feel resentment. This anger makes me feel revenge. I really feel anger. thoughts of being defeated sometimes, which makes me feel discouragement. I feel blame. I feel the judgements of myself and others. "Fortune telling and mind reading". The favorite activity. Makes me feel worry. "Circular logic / uncertainty" makes me feel doubt. Impossible to describe more clear. Thoughts appearing about people and situations and its believed something is going on. Feels like doubt. I feel disappointment. I create expectations or false conclusions, especially recently about her. Some expectations about what is going to happen or not. Feeling disappointment from that. I feel disappointment from expecting a lot of things. Thoughts that i am in a hurry or am wasting my oppourtunity makes me feel overwhelment. Judging and thinking of urgency to do things makes me feel frustration and impatience. Concepts about "myself" feeling sad or not great or bit depressed makes me feel pessimism. Its believed feeling or good or finding the right feeling state will grant me her, and all the things i want. Is that useful? Thoughts about a doer doing this or attracting her makes me feel frustration and worry. I sometimes feel boredom. I feel contentment and hopefulness seeing more clearly than ever that there really is no thinker of thoughts. The mind is so sneaky and creative in constantly coming with thoughts that catches you in believing in a thinker. Couldn't help but laugh many times today from the noticing. That its all about feeling, awareness, letting go or bypassing really seems more clear than ever today. I feel hopefulness and just generally contentment. I feel optimism about my music. Thoughts of playing nice gigs and inviting my sister who really could use a great party makes me very happy and excited. Playing nice music and having a lot of fun. I feel very optimism. I feel positive expectations for attracting more gigs and opportunities, and for creating more great music. Also attracting more money which is already going great. I feel positive expectations for this weekend, and for exploring and connecting with people. Lately its just been completely different and being around "others" is fun and interesting in a new way. Fear seems to be gone and there is just connection and openness. I feel positive expectations having my tracks premiered some nice places. Thoughts about a me that can lose it comes up when feeling "positive" emotions. Same fucker. I feel eagerness to have fun and play some great music for people next weekend. I feel eagerness to create and feel alignment. I feel passion for being a creator. Its really starting to click. I might actually be creating this, which is just... FEELING I feel love and appreciation for my mother. Helping her and likewise was just great today. I feel love and appreciation for my dad, looking forward to see him today. I feel appreciation and gratitude for this creation. Just amazing. I feel freedom and love

This thread is genius and incredibly clarifying

Its like Im lazy to try to feel better.

I feel pessimism about the scale working. i feel boredom

Feeling frustration and irritation right now. People at work annoy me. Feeling like this annoys me. Feeling blame. Like i should be feeling differently or doing better. feeling discouragement. which makes me feel worry. i feel fucking doubt. pessimism. Big time pessimism right now.

Makes sense, but.. This sounds like i can just swap channels and watch a new movie whenever i like. Lets say i kill someone and go to prison (In the movie). I don't want to watch a movie of a guy in a cell for a lifetime duration. You telling me i can just play another movie then? In the same way, this movie is playing. If i piss people off, it might have consequences, and yes nobody is ultimately hurt because there is noone. But there is still only this thing to care about. 1 movie not a whole catalouge to swap between

🤯

So they are creating the experience of helping a cancer patient so to speak. Takes some of the "doing good" away from it though. Sounds like all doctors are just doing something completely meaningless just for their own sake And then again, there are no doctors or patients. But this just seems not like something i would want to go into with "anyone"

What would you say to someone who study the brain to help brain-cancer patients. How is any of this "helpful" in that regard? "There is no brain, there are no cells, there is nobody who can know the purpose of this experience".. Would probably make me extremely unpopular to be around and have people leave if i shared that perspective. I would like to be able to talk about these matters as a "helpful" thing (just words, trying to communicate, don't nitpick everything here), but i would really struggle to make sense of it. That there are no people makes sense, but i want to uplift "people" not put them down as this is what it seems like. Do you see what i mean?