Blessed2

The Seed is your dream. The Good Soil is rest, diet, exercise, daily meditation and expression/opening up, and accepting help. The Bedrock on which the Good Soil sits on is the recognition you can't (and are not supposed to) do it by yourself, by your own power.

Day 38. 2 x 25 minutes done. Getting better but still resting. Had a little walk outside though. No drinking. Meditation was nice. ❤️ I'm planning on starting a gym membership soon. Probably next week. I want to get active.

Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is an autistic INFJ BPD sigma Pisces female with anger and CPTSD issues to enter the kingdom of God.

I was reading the Bible today and noticed that the "I am that I am" thing is numbered 3:14, Exodus. That number felt peculiar, somehow familiar. What came in mind is that lots of people often say they suddenly wake up exactly around 3AM. That 3:14 is something you see on a clock quite often, and it's usually spiritually meaningful or synchronistic. I'm lying in bed right now, and am not quite feeling tired. So I took the phone, and there was an odd feeling and somehow my eyes traveled to the clock with a weird sense of anticipation. 3:14. And the date is 4/15. 🤔 Edit: I googled "bible 4:15" and this is what showed up first: Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. Right before all this I wrote in the expression journal: "Stop seeking, stop waiting, start expressing." 😂

Stop seeking Stop waiting Start expressing

Day 37. 2 x 25 minutes done. Still sick. Resting. I wonder what this flu is about. Why it came at this time. Again, a lot of disordant thoughts about meditation. The mind just cannot be silenced. That's just another thought. Resentment toward all spiritual teachers who say that I should meditate. It's impossible to silence the mind. Why do you share this shitty advice. It would be better if I had never heard of meditation. Now it's just another condition / requirement of happiness to meet. Because I believe what you say. Thought loops. It fucking sucks. But I can't take pause or quit the practice either cause what if that would be a failure, just weakness, laziness? I am experiencing the emotions powerlessness and despair. I am experiencing the emotions guilt, unworthiness, insecurity. I am experiencing the emotion jealousy. I am experiencing the emotions hatred and rage. I am experiencing the emotions anger and revenge. I am experiencing the emotion discouragement. I am experiencing the emotion blame. I am experiencing the emotion worry. I am experiencing the emotion doubt. I am experiencing the emotion disappointment. I am experiencing the emotion overwhelment. I am experiencing the emotions irritation and impatience. I am experiencing the emotion pessimism. I am experiencing the emotion boredom. I am experiencing the emotion contentment. I am experiencing the emotion hopefulness. I am experiencing the emotion optimism. I am experiencing the emotion enthusiasm. I am experiencing the emotion passion. I am experiencing the emotion joy.

Yea I don't like to think that attraction is about attraction either. 😁

23 Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Truly I tell you, it is hard for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of heaven. 24 Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.” 25 When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, “Who then can be saved?” 26 Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant 21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” 22 Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. 23 “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24 As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. 25 Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt. 26 “At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ 27 The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go. 28 “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded. 29 “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’ 30 “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31 When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened. 32 “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33 Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ 34 In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. 35 “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”

I just meditated and lots of uncomfortable emotions are coming up. I am experiencing the emotions powerlessness and despair. I am experiencing the emotions guilt and unworthiness. I am experiencing the emotions hatred, rage and anger. I am experiencing the emotion discouragement.

Day 36. 2 x 25 minutes done. Still sick. No drinking.

🙏❤️

It was an example that might not work in all cases. The examples were something to actually do, not think about. Try these ones: - Sit down for a moment and try with all your might to be happy. See if you succeed, or if you actually just start feeling worse. Recognize your total lack of ability to be happy. - Check what goals you have, such as losing weight for example. Sit down and try to lose weight, or try to move to a future where you have lost weight. Recognize that you simply just can't do that. - Try to change the past or the future. - Try to rise on the emotional scale. Try to manifest a desire. No, I think these are actually pretty fundamental steps to success. Someone else might express it differently, but this resonates for me. "My own power does not exist. With it I can not accomplish anything. Taking each step with God, I have already arrived." It's IMO an empowering attitude, cause you're "tapping into" limitless power. The steps are synonymous with the first two steps of Alcoholics Anonymous btw. I'm not taking any stance in regard to free will or not. There's a subtle difference in connotation between free will and personal power. This is really a "see for yourself" kind of a deal. I don't know anything about other people's experience. This is like an actual experiment you can do and check in direct experience. Pretty sure anyone would come to the same conclusion. It just might be that the way I'm expressing it doesn't get the message through to everyone.

I think that whatever 'work' (including shadow work) is done with the idea that it's done with your own power, it's not quite going to deliver. Or maybe not. Dunno.

I don't really even know what direct experience is and how any of this is supposed to be validated by me. This thread is just entertaining some ideas and seeing how it feels.

I'm actually feeling pretty sick. It's been getting worse day by day. Quite unusual for me honestly.

Cafe & Bistro Emotions. Might be done with love, or rage, or insecurity, or maybe doubt. You never know what you'll get.

@Kevin This is a good one:

Here's something to "get right" prior anything else. Preferably first thing in the morning, when the attitude and mindset is being set for the new day. 1. Recognize the complete inability and incompetence to accomplish anything by your own power. 2. This is not really a step, but what naturally and automatically follows from the first step: hand the management over to higher power. Some tips for the first step of recognizing you do not have any power or management quality: - Sit down for a moment and try with all your might to be happy. See if you succeed, or if you actually just start feeling worse. Recognize your total lack of ability to be happy. - Check what goals you have, such as losing weight for example. Sit down and try to lose weight, or try to move to a future where you have lost weight. Recognize that you simply just can't do that. - Try to change the past or the future. - Try to rise on the emotional scale. Try to manifest a desire. - Sit down and try to meditate perfectly or become enlightened. See if you can do that. - Sit down and try to "do it" or "get there" or "make life finally work". Notice you just can't make that happen. If you could, you already would have. - If you're still having trouble, recognize that you can't even manage to recognize you can't manage. It should be starting to get clearer and clearer that there has never been such thing as "personal power", and you have never accomplished anything by your own power. The management is already in the hands of a higher power.

Day 35. 2 x 25 minutes done. Still sick. No drinking. Feeling frustrated with the meditation practice. Basically, it feels like a chore. Lots of impatience, irritation etc. come up. Been thinking if I will amp up to 30 minutes for the next challenge or return to 15-20 minutes. I'm kind of confused because lots of non-dual teachers say that any practice per se is really an attempt to get somewhere, yet you are already Reality. So the practice could itself be reinforcing the attachment. And there's obviously a trying to get somewhere cause it feels like a chore to me. I don't want to have just one more thing to feel stressed out and guilty about. A few days ago I heard someone say something like "mornings are sacred". That resonated and now I've been remembering that right when waking up, and basically focusing on gratitude for the new day, and developing the positive mindset for the day. That doesn't feel like a chore. "Taking every step with God, I have already arrived." Meditation feels like a chore cause I'm trying to take steps to God. I dunno. I'm confused. It sucks cause some people say that meditation is necessary and some say it's not. So the only reason I meditate 2 x 25 minutes is because I believe what some people say. And feel worry that if they're right and I don't meditate, I'll mess up. Feeling really bad about all this. I've really been carrying this burden around.

They are recorded and uploaded to his youtube channel ZenBitchslap. Here are the upcoming zoom meetings: https://www.zenbitchslap.com/events

You can't really stop it. You are it. "Self can't get out of self." No need to get out, just recognize you're already not in. Satsang (non-duality meetings, books, forums etc.) are like gun fire at the target. The activity of claiming catches almost all of those bullets like a hockey goalie, but even one of them oughta get through. Then it may be claimed a bit later as a "breakthrough / spiritual experience", but the target was hit and the goalie is a bit weaker every time. Paul Hedderman's zoom calls and youtube videos are like full auto machine gun fire. They're great. Meditation helps to slow down the activity of thought. It makes the activity of claiming go a bit drunk and now the goalie fumbles a bit.

If you want to make a drug addict happy, give them some money to buy drugs. 😁

My own power does not exist. With it I can not accomplish anything. Taking each step with God, I have already arrived.

I think that "personal power" is nonexistent and it's met with guidance (guilt, unworthiness etc ). It's then projected as in "being the victim of the system". So there is neither personal nor systemic power. 'Victim mentality' is just a continuation / build-up to discordant belief of personal power.