Blessed2

I recently met with a psychologist and she mentioned that social connections such as friendships etc. are actually a psychological need for humans. A need like food and shelter. Which sort of makes sense. I guess this is a consensus between scientists. I wouldn't be surprised if there was a scientific study which states that percieved loneliness shortens life span significantly. Yet "other person" is never actually directly experienced, just like "me" isn't. "Other person" or "people" is projection, yes? So this begs the question: is projection a psychological need? When the thought that I am a separate individual self is believed, is projection actually necessary to as a coping mechanism? When there is the belief that guilt is real, does projection of guilt actually become sort of necessary? So rather than trying to make projection stop, it would be better to use the projection and turn around to it's source. To cut the head off the snake, rather than the tail.

Day 8. 2 x 30 minutes done. Walk done. Resting. I had one drink. Everyone else is living normal lives but I can't even make simple daily tasks done. I doubt whether I can actually ever live a normal life. Much less that I could succeed in the way I want to succeed. There is just too many problems. Social anxiety, stomach issues, addiction, depression etc. Most people my age has already finished their studies and are starting a career. Some have kids and a family. I'm still in the same place I was 5 years ago. I am just never in a mental or physical state where I can actually do anything. Literally every hour of my life is a battle. Often my body feels so heavy that I can't really even stand or sit. Everyone else seem to have energy and they are just always in a state of being able to do stuff. I'm not, and I don't know why. I try to eat good food and I try to stay active but nothing seems to work. I wonder if I have an actual physical illness like some kind of autoimmune disease or something. Some bad bacteria in my gut. But even if it was something like that, I wouldn't have energy to try to fix it. And doctors don't like it when you talk about these kinds of things. They don't actually want to check digestion etc, ever. It would take years of meeting doctors to get to that place. And then there is self-pity. And then a thought that the self-pity is pathetic and inauthentic and trying to blame others. That though feels so off that I instantly experience a want to self harm.

Yeah both of them is about a me. The latter, trying to accept mediocrity, humility etc. is like self trying to be no self, as a self. 😂 Honestly, it would seem more amazing that there wasn't normal and ordinary. That suggestion seems like a koan. Yeah. I don't know how to approach this question. Maybe there's just an overlooking, or a pre-assumption of a duality 'something & nothing.'

Might not even be about spirituality per se... I think this began before I heard about spirituality, and most of spirituality has been hijacked by it. I'm not sure where this is coming from. Seems to have started somewhere during teenage. The first romantic/intimate relationship I had at 15 might have been a bit 'traumatic', I remember feeling lots of insecurity at that time.

I'm so done with digestion issues and this seems to be one of the thoughts/beliefs that bloats me up. It's basically that I need to be special and exceptional. Having an ordinary career is not enough. I need to have my own business and it needs to succeed. I need to be exceptional and admired by my abilities and professionalism and intelligence. I need to be admired by both the coworkers and the clients. They need to be amazed about me. I need to make a lot of money. I need to be better than others. I need to know what others don't know and teach them. I need to be more capable than others. Basically, I need to be a superman. A super human. A saint. I try to live up to that standard. But I'm really just a bloated, sweaty, tired mess. A superhuman wouldn't be bloated and sweaty. If I'm not exceptional, why would anyone want to be with me? Why would anyone want to spend time with me? Why would anyone find my company desireable? I often have daydreams about being special, exceptional and admired and adored. Sometimes quite literally just insane narcissistic daydreams. Yet I don't have even a normal job. Almost every day I feel so worn out, bloated, exhausted and heavy that I basically couldn't even go to work feeling like that. Then I try to go the other direction and just accept mediocrity, humility, being ordinary. And there is the same inflammatory feeling in the stomach about that. In fact it might be even worse.

Today's the day. You can't fail it.

Not yet. 😁

Oh, okay 😁 thanks

If you have trouble / are not feeling like starting daily meditation, this might help. It's about routine, not about how much you do it. Meditation is not a willpower practice. 5 minutes twice a day every day is way better than six hours every now and then. It's about daily routine, not about the lenght of the session. Even less than five minutes is ok. Even just 3 minutes twice a day is a good place to start and slowly add some lenght to the session. That you can make it into a steady routine you follow day to day is way way more important than how long the session is. If three minutes is too much, then count ten or twenty breaths. EVERY DAY. The routine is the key. There is no reason to not start!!

I actually do feel a bit clearer in body and mind today. 🤔 Got a weird headache too, but it might also be yesterdays gym. I also feel like I don't need melatonin to fall asleep tonight. Weird clarity in thought. Tomorrow I'll drink a whole bunch in the morning. I pray Lord, please no diarrhea 🙏🙏 I made the juice already for the morning. This time it came out way darker than before. Before it was bright green, but now it's dark green, sort of dark hazy, brownish even. It looks like one hell of a health drink. I hope I didn't mess it up somehow though.

All spiritual messages are really from the higher power, to the higher power. The message isn't for you. If you think it's for you, then it seems like you've been doing something wrong, and that you should do something. I don't know if that is true, but it lightens me up so so much, takes so much weight off my shoulders that it's true enough.

Day 7. 2 x 30 minutes ✔️ Walk ✔️ (though not a full hour, resting) Rest day No drinking ✔️

Okay so you're saying that it all springs from the fear of 'good' suffering? How could there be fear or resistance to turning over those potato slices when you know it's not burning your hands and causing pain? What is there to fear? "It's because of fear of [x]" will be interpreted as "I have fear and I must get rid of it by facing my fear". Which is exactly what happened in this thread.

Yes, exactly. That "it all springs from the fear of suffering" is like keeping the hand on the stove because you mis-apprehend what fear is saying. You think that the pain you're feeling is a weakness in you, something that you must overcome or change about you. That there is fear of anything, or that you have fear, is ego's narrative. It would have you forever trying to stop having fear of death (for example), or become fearless. You could be running on that hamster wheel forever and never get anywhere.

And how does one stop fear or resistance of suffering? It sounds like what you're saying is to keep the hand on the hot stove because resisting the want to take the hand off is what's causing the pain. In that case, this: ... is actually just the next logical step. "Oh, so the resistance to keep my hand on the hot stove is causing the pain? So I've got to keep my hand on the stove, no matter what. Even better, let's push every inch of my skin against it to get it all done with."

If these thoughts / this interpretation feels off, something is off about it. Contemplate, find out what it is. It's not like nonduality first isn't the case and then when you learn or realize it, it suddenly is the case. Nonduality is already the case. There isn't a requirement to 'be nondual' or 'know nonduality' for nonduality to be the case. 😁

You can't let you go. If you could let all the clinging and attachment go, you would have already done that. It's not in your power.

Yeah... It's just that I feel so horrible before that first cup. I don't know what it is, it's like I just have to get coffee right after waking up. Sometimes I feel so horrible after waking up that even getting up to make the coffee is painful. 😂 I muster up all my streght and sprint to the coffee maker. It's probably because I take melatonin and it makes me tired in the mornings. Probably also quitting the antidepressants plays a role here. Bad quality of sleep. Lately I've been getting comments from my girlfriend that I got huge eye bags. 😂 "Slow masticating". Jeez, why is there so many kinds of stuff. I want to just walk into a store and say I want a juicer. "What kind of a juicer?" The kind you put stuff in and it makes juice out of it. 😀 Now I need to google and study juicer types. Being a consumer is a full time job I tell ya

I don't think that would make it any more tasty 😂

Well that wasn't delicious at all. Didn't expect it to taste quite like that. Tastes surprisingly salty / 'mineral rich'. Maybe I'll add some ginger next time. I didn't drink as much as is recommended, to try it first with a smaller amount. I blended three stems. Nothing crazy yet. Maybe a bit of a weird feeling in the stomach. I probably failed to do it correctly, because I had to drink coffee right after it. I just feel so horrible right after waking up that I need my caffeine, could not wait half an hour. 😂 Probably because I'm taking melatonin.

I already did that 🤔 I didn't even use a cloth to filter it, just a normal iron strainer. Just add like half a cup of water to make the blending easier, then the celery, blend until mush (don't blend too much) and strain.

Then the interpretation is off in some way. Truth = happiness. If there is even a whiff of depression, fear, guilt, anything like that, something is off. There is no "after that". Not two is already the case.

Day 6. 2 x 30 minutes ✔️ Walk ✔️ (not a full hour though, felt like giving a bit more rest for the body still) Gym ✔️ No drinking ✔️ Gym felt really good again! Today was full body day. My workout routine is like this: A: Lower body B: Upper body C : Full body A & B are more focused on machines, C is more free weights and compound movements. Did some (sumo) deadlifts today. It's been maybe 7 years since the last time but I've still got the good form in muscle memory though, which was nice. It felt pretty amazing, though I got a bit lightheaded again 😁 span widget

What if knowing and the knower was also deconstructed? What if both knowing and not knowing is like dream stuff? If knowing & not knowing were dream stuff, what would the 'real stuff' be like? (I'm just wondering out loud, not asking you per se 😂)

Yeah, I really want a juicer cause then I can just buy a bunch of healthy crap and make it into a juice and get all the good stuff easily and quickly. 😂