Blessed2

Day 19. 2 x 25 minutes done. Workout done. Walk done.

@A Tim Thank you 🙏

Well... Many people seem to have energy I don't have. Like for example, when I go to a grocery store or shopping etc, I see people who have super stylish and clean looks, they go to work every day 9-5 or more, they run businesses, they have lots of friends, they lead active, succeasful life. When I wake up in the morning, my whole body hurts. I'm lethargic. Even standing up and making a coffee cup or going to the bathroom to pee is a chore. But those other people wake up and go to work, looking energetic and amazing. I don't understand how they are able to do that. And even more so, there are crazy succesful people like some politicians or big CEOs. How are they able to run and manage entire companies, parties, these huge organizations? I can't even manage a single day! I can't fucking clean my home or keep my clothes clean and tidy. It's not like I'm asking much... I don't have to be a CEO or be even materially successful per se. Just clean home, simple employment, clean clothes, paid bills, self-reliability and responsibility would be success for me. But I just can't even get that done.

Day 18. 2 x 25 minutes done. Missed workout. Walk done. No drinking. Kinda losing hope here guys. These past few days have been pretty rough. I don't know what happened when this challenge began. It seemed like I was doing really good but then suddenly something happened and now it's been really hard. The meditation sessions feel like a chore. I think of quitting or doing shorter sessions all the time. But there is this thought that if I quit or did less, maybe I would not get the results I want. That maybe I need to push myself and not slack off. I don't really know what to say. Sometimes I wish that I could just make others know how bad I'm feeling. I don't know why. Maybe I just feel so hopeless that I'd like to have some kind of support or something. But I don't know if there's really anything anyone could say to help. Especially today has just been classic, classic type of what they call depression. Self-loathing, guilt tripping, despair, hopelessness. So much worry and guilt and despair. And my life is just not what I want, I'm powerless to change it. In some weird way I might not even want to have the power to change it. I don't want to do anything anymore. "Where there is me, there is no happiness, but misery." Maybe some transient moments of "happiness", but it's not real. Last night I experienced something odd. It was like the first time I ever actually, or clearly experienced suicidal consideration. These thoughts of despair and powerlessness washed over, and I had a thought that "Welp, there is really only two paths forward. Either I just go through this life and fail miserably just like it's been going so far, or I actually plan and end this life." But then a thought appeared that even death wouldn't be an answer, since I'm still there in that path. I would die. I would be dead. Still subject-object. Where there is me, there is no happiness. It's that subject-object that has to go. Self-awareness, self-judgement, self-introspection has to go. And by self I mean this separate entity who could be guilty or do bad things or be responsible (for example). The same thought came in mind as I just meditated. The thought of focusing on an object like a body part or breath felt very off. That there is a me focusing on something. Then I saw the meditation as this kind of a pointless rat race, or hamster wheel. It's just not going to get anywhere, when there is subject and object. When there is subject & object, it's like a mountain. And the mountain will never be crossed. It's a hamster wheel. If the mountain could be crossed, it would already be crossed. That's a perfect way to discern a hamster wheel from something real. If it's real, it's already done. Finished. If it worked, it would have already worked. If it's a hamster wheel, it is (at best) done at some point in the future.

This visual came in mind today. It's basically how I've been thinking about my life: I see myself on the failure-side pretty much all day every day. And I try and try all day every day to get to the top side. It seems to be that if I don't effort / work very, very, very hard (like climbing a mountain), the failure/bad stuff is where I naturally just am. When I'm lazy, I'm on the bottom side. To be on the top side, I'd have to work really hard. Sometimes, for one day some things might be on the top side, but I fall back down quite soon. The bottom side seems to be the natural side. Like gravity pulls a stone down. Here's another thought: if getting or remaining on the top side would require any effort or work at all, I wouldn't even want it. Call me entitled, but I just am not open to settle for that. If there is even a whiff of effort to be on the top side, I instantly back down and bury my head in sand. And I don't even want to be different in this regard. I just don't want to effort or work. This is why I often say that a miracle needs to happen. Cause I'm not going to effort to get to the top side. Something that's totally outside of this box is what's needed. When that visual came in mind, the word "game" came also. It's like that's a visual representetion of a "game of life" I've been playing. Then an idea came in mind that maybe I could just leave this game and play something else. That would be an example of a miracle maybe. But for that shift to happen, something would have to change, and I don't see what or how. Honestly, I don't think anything will change.

I went looking for new clothes today, just from some thrift shop. I felt good about that idea first, but then while I was getting there, I started to feel quite shitty, and I've been feeling shitty ever since. Just total depression. Nothing is working. Just carrying all this weight around for no reason. And even as I want to drop it, I don't seem to even succeed in that. Just pointless shitty day again. Just depression. I don't want to use some emotional scale language. Just depression. Didn't find any clothes. Kind of knew that already the moment I saw the thrift shop. Didin't even really feel like looking for any clothes, just felt so shitty and knew that nothing fun would happen today. I knew that all the coming hours and days and weeks and months would just be this same depression, nothing would change, I wouldn't get any cool insights, my life wouldn't change for better suddenly, all my problems and suffering wouldn't be lifted. Then I walked to another thrift shop and saw that they sold a lot of books there. So I went to check them out and there wasn't anything interesting. Then I saw that they had this little corner where they gave stuff away for free and saw more books there. Walked in, and almost instantly I saw a book with a familiar name written on it. Richard Bach. I've read Jonathan Livingston Seagull from him and also Illusions. Richard Bach seems to be a quite successful author, or at least so wikipedia says. That Jonathan & Illusions were both top sellers during the 70s. But I have no idea why. I have no idea how on earth his books have been so popular. They're kind of weird, an in my opinion quite badly written. I'm just totally lost as to why in the hell so many people read his books. He just writes some weird stuff about flying planes and spirituality, and at least I as a reader am totally lost as to who this guy even is and why the hell does he write these weird books and why they are so popular. And I have no idea why the fuck I have read his books! They suck ass and make me feel uncomfortable. I never really find any insights from them, it's like he's sharing the same things I'm already thinking. The book that was being given away was one I've heard about before when I was googling the author. It's some kind of a weird autobiographical novel about finding his soulmate. I had read the description of the book, and I always felt really weirded oit about the whole book. Why does he think anyone would be interested in hearing some weird story about him flying planes and seeking & finding a soulmate? And why is that book also so popular and why do so many people give good reviews of it? I always felt repelled of that book. Yet there it was and it was free to take. So I thought what the hell, let's give it a chance. Weirdly I kind of already felt like there was a reason why I went thrift shopping, even when I wasn't finding any clothes and before I found the book. It just didn't make sense that this shitty trip to a thirft store would be for nothing. So I guess this book was what I was meant to find. I've read a couple of pages and there's some weird synchronicities. Like I mentioned earlier, it's like he's showcasing exactly the same kind of thoughts or views I already have. It's like we're very similar thinkers/personalities. But it's probably nothing. Just a shitty book, and nothing will change, no magic happens, no miracle, not even slightly better feeling. Yeah, his philosophy or whatever sounds cool, being the creator or the world / existence being our limitless playground or whatever, but none of that works, miracles don't happen, I can't do magic, I can't rise on the emotional scale, and life is just a burden.

Day 17. 2 x 25 minutes done. Workout done. Walk done. No drinking.

Movies that are unlikely Trojan horses for nonduality ☝️ 👈🫵👉 👇

Perfect Days

Better ask Phil probably.

Actually do the inquiry before making stupid comments. IT'S NOT ABOUT BEING RIGHT. 🤦

What I was going after with this thread / those questions was probably kind of that if I could have managed to be/get enlightened, I already would have. Or more generally, if I could manage to turn my life around and make the change I want, I already would have. Right?! That maybe I'm just "not of managerial quality" like they say in the 12 step program. This isn't really bashing myself even though it might sound like it. On the contrary, it's quite refreshing. To hand the management of it to a "higher power" which can manage. "Recognizing the failedness of the system"

The "I"-thought really is just a thought loop. If you inquire by "from whence 'I' come?"... The answer seems to be, "I"! It's like two mirrors facing each other. Suspicious!

Day 16. 2 x 25 minutes done. Skipped workout. Walk done. No drinking.

It's projection. It's like a certain frequency of a radio station where the music is separate knowers, believers, thinkers, feelers etc. Living in time. Oh, and Joseph is also it's music. He is what the station plays, not the one tuned there, or doing the projecting.

When I tried self-inquiry, during the meditation really, really intense feelings of frustration, despair and powerlessness came up. Those emotions, like intense peaks of despair, depression, powerlessness has been appearing lately. It might have to do with lowering the dose of the meds. It also seems to be connected to the self-inquiry. Just the most gut-wrenching moments of self-referential crap goggles. This song comes to mind: Guilt. Like for example right now, I know I should be trying to sleep. But there's a really unconfortable feeling in the body, there's an itchy nose, dry lips, sort of allergic feeling. The jaw is tense. Thighs are tense. Feeling of fear, despair and powerlessness. And insecurity & guilt. I should be sleeping. I should be cleaning my home. A doctor will call me at some point and the call will be embarassing. I'm not being honest with people. I shouldn't over-spend. Everything I’ve ever done Everything I ever do Every place I’ve ever been Everywhere I’m going to It’s a sin

Day 15. 2 x 25 minutes done. Workout done. Didn't have time for a walk. No drinking.

It might be that what's actually sought is control of women, so that insecurity / fear wouldn't be felt.

So the only way to make women put up with your bullshit is to brainwash and manipulate them with religion?

Day 14. 2 x 25 minutes done. Workout skipped. I did walk. I drank alcohol today. Met with friends who drink a lot & are stumbling on the same trouble of alcohol.

Forgot to journal yesterday. Day 13. 2 x 25 minutes done. Skipped workout. Walk done. 1,5 hrs No drinking. One example of this search to have happiness for the character is this sort of obsession and perfectionism with pleasure. For example, some days I think of what I want to eat. And it's this obsessive thinking, trying to find exactly what food would give the most pleasure right now. Then when thw food is acquired, there must be something to do while eating. Watching TV, scrolling through the phone etc. And it's an obsession to find what activity with the eating would bring most pleasure. It's always quite acute. Like it's the most important thing in the world to have the most pleasure out of the meal. As if there was a great scarcity of good feeling and one has to muster up as much of it as possible because soon it might not be available anymore. It's the same thing with alcohol. There's the alcohol, but there also has to be other pleasureable stuff with it. To gather as much pleasure as possible. Lots of thought and effort is put into finding out and managing the biggest amount of pleasure I can get out of it. Everything has to be perfect. Is there's something standing in the way of as much pleasure as possible, there's restlessness and irritability.

True 🤔🤔

It is said that non-duality / buddhahood points to something that doesn't come and go. What I've been thinking enlightenment is, is like a realization that will happen in the future at some point. It is not present now, and would be present in the future. Therefore what I've been thinking enlightenment is, is not non-duality or buddhahood, or enlightenment. It cannot be a knowing, an insight, a realization, a noticing, because all those would be something that would happen in time, would be not present and then present. Then non-duality / buddhahood / enlightenment must be looked for in what's already "here". But there is suffering. There is dissatisfaction, restlessness, agitation. If buddhahood is to be looked for in what's already "here", and it is not something that's first not present and then present, is not something that is first not known and then known, how could it be the end of dissatisfaction? How could an end to the suffering happen? Some insufferable wise guy would probably say something like "buddhahood is feeling". 😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡 Thx, I'm still suffering 😡😡😡😡😡 "Feeling is guidance for thoughts" god fucking damnit. Then I want thoughts to change but they're not changing. Carrot and a horse. Can it PLEASE just not be that? Can it please be so that I can just rest and not do some god damn emotional work such as expression, "feeling it fully & not suppressing" and meditation or whatever? I don't want that. I don't want reality to be like that. Like a fucking workplace of emotions and letting go or something. "This stands to be let go" GET OUT OF HERE before I rip your god damn face off

It's kind of delightful how other users are having random conversations in my journal lately. It's not like any of the thoughts here are mine and others are not. Welcome!!

At some point I had a thought thay for this person, "me", there might not really be such thing as happiness. Cause it's always in doubt. Happiness is always followed with a shadow of fear. There may be peaceful moments, but they seem to be shadowed with a doubt or worry or fear or agitation that in the future there may not be peace anymore. Or even when it or "I" gets what it wants, it comes with a shadow of fear or worry or stress that I might lose what I got. And to get what it wants in order to be happy is also always in doubt. And for the person, happiness seems to always be in the future. It's never here, readily available. It's like "readily available happiness" just doesn't compute for the logic of the separate self person. It's like Error 404. There is even such a thing as fear of too much happiness! What if I become so happy that something bad happens? Isn't that fucking insane? Isn't that a perfect example of how there literally just is no such thing as happiness for the separate self? Fear that something bad might happen if there was too much happiness. Almost all my time goes on in this search and striving for happiness. Maybe all time actually. It's either seeking happiness, or avoiding uncomfortable emotions. Aaalllll the time. Just constant strain and stress. Maybe it's better to just give up the search for happiness for the person. There might be another possibility. Maybe the whole shebang could just be laid in the hands of something of way greater wisdom and intelligence than whatever the fuck this shitty system has been trying to do.