Reena

Today is still a good day.

My sister called me a piece of trash and a narcissist during an argument. How to deal with it? Her words have been ruining my mind.

Woke up early today

My fantasies could also be driven by trauma I felt as a child. I experienced tremendous trauma as a child. Somehow I feel like I remained trapped in the identity my mind created as a child. Why do people do drugs? Why do people chase sex? Why are people addicted to alcohol? Why do people engage in dirty fantasies? These must be either escape mechanisms or coping mechanisms. Why do people turn to spirituality? Maybe people find their closure in something, anything. Maybe they want that closure really badly. Is this closure God? I often contemplate on these subjects. Maybe this is how people find their closure. The phenomenon of spiritual bypassing? I don't know. I think the last thread that broke my back is my family turning away from me.

I have sexual fantasies too. Different types. In my fantasy world I imagine both good and bad things. These fantasies are a doorway to my psyche. I probably didn't want this life, this existence. So there's a strong need to be attracted to fantasies.

Some of my fantasies are rape fantasies. I don't know why I have them. But I have them. And there's a sense of comfort in these rape fantasies. No I don't wish to be gang raped. That would be awful. But I have an inclination to be desired in a sexual way by a male especially in a way where I feel coerced and raped. It's something I find hard to confess. But it regularly bothers my mind. It's tough to be this vulnerable without feeling like prying eyes are judging me. Like I should be forcefully taken. I should be stripped off that layer of innocence. Like I have the art of writing that can make a male horny.

In almost all of my fantasies there's a factor of control, power, dominance, possession, need to be controlled, authority and submission. There's also archetypal components in these fantasies that relate to subjects of good, evil, limerence, mercy, psychopathy, greed, tolerance. The fundamental theme of these fantasies is — "I want to feel good." But the way to feel good or better does not follow a straightforward route. Rather it goes through a convoluted pipeline of dirt, confessions, love, romance, sex, domination, control, exposure, vulnerability, masculine feminine polarity and a sense of security from authority. Why!???

My fantasies range from sexual to something evil or strange, weird, dark, odd.

My fantasies range from sexual to something evil or strange, weird, dark, odd.

Maybe I wanted domestic tranquility. Maybe I craved domestic bliss. Either way it was supposed to be something really powerful. What happens when you hate life?

I have sexual fantasies too. Different types. In my fantasy world I imagine both good and bad things. These fantasies are a doorway to my psyche. I probably didn't want this life, this existence. So there's a strong need to be attracted to fantasies.

I think I lived a large part of my life in coping and insecurity. The insecurity prevents me from being my authentic self or even living my authentic life. I don't know how to share things, how to open up, how to be vulnerable, without it all being way too messy and awkward for my liking. Everyone praises me in some form, but is there anyone who truly understands me?? The depth and intensity of my emotions that I cannot write in words. Sometimes I feel like killing myself and that killing myself will be a solution. What good am i anyway to anyone? I want to be a bit cryptic in my writing because I'm paranoid about judgement and criticism. I have seen the word narcissist being thrown around. I have borderline disorder so maybe I might have some degree of narcissism in me. Who knows? I agree that I'm a bit arrogant. I cultivated my arrogance as a self defense mechanism. I don't know why I'm internalizing other's judgement so much. When people judge me I don't give a Fuck. But when loved ones judge you, it hurts like hell. Im not being a kid. I'm a human being. I get hurt too. I get dehydrated too. I fail like others too. Why such strong judgement?

Listen to sad music. It channels your emotions and those tears flow effortlessly. After that you feel closure and peace. That's what I used to do after every heart break.

My family blocked me for 2 days over a fight. I'm a bit tensed and nervous about it.

Just be calm.