Blessed2

Okay, I suspected that because of how familiar the things you shared sounded like. The spiritual "teachings" shared on Actualized.org are very, very off. You have basically been totally mislead in terms of what spirituality, non-duality, enlightenment, ego, etc. actually are and what those concepts point to. You have also been mislead on what fear is. The same happened to me. You are not alone with these emotions, worry, fear. What helped me a lot was staying away from all that content. I spent something like an entire year without visiting that website and youtube channel at all. Nowadays the nonsensery of those "teachings" is so clear that it's basically just sad (or laughable) to see it. I'd suggest you do the same. Just for the sake of how it feels, keep away from all Actualized.org content. It takes a moment to un-wire the beliefs and ideology you have been manipulated / mislead into. But you will see through it more & more as time goes by. And it feels great.

I'm not sure what happened yesterday. I got drunk. And I'm feeling the same craving to drink today, and it's just too strong. I just don't want to fight it. It feels better to just give up.

Did anyone see the movie though?

😂😂 That's so funny.

Day 30. 2 x 25 minutes done. Walk done. Missed workout. And I'm drinking today. ☹️

@Philipp May I ask how did you come across this forum and what 'spiritual teachers/teachings' you have been listening or following? How did you hear about enlightenment / spirituality? No need to share it if you don't want to, I'm just curious. 🙂

The interpretation that you're most likely holding as you're experiencing depression is that there is something you need to do, to fix about yourself, to succeed in some activity like meditation. That interpretation is precisely what feels so off and probably keeps you up at night. Even 5 minutes of meditation is good. I'd start with 5 - 15 minutes twice a day. No-one should seek enlightenment ever in any situation. 😂 You are already the buddha. By seeking it you lose it. It's like you're sitting in a movie theatre, and taking yourself to be a movie character you're seeing on the screen. When you hear the message of the buddha, you hear it as the movie character you mistakenly take yourself to be. Then the interpretation follows that the movie character can become or come to know the buddha by meeting certain requirements or doing certain practices. This is not the message. The mistaken identification as you, the character, is prior to you. It is not your fault. There is no requirement you need to meet. You are not mis-percieving. You are the mis-perception. What do you mean by "this makes me suicidal"?

Ahh, Chemical X .

How can you find meaning in life like that? Maybe you can't.

Day 29. 2 x 25 minutes done. Workout done. Walk done. No drinking.

https://m.imdb.com/title/tt27503384/ How could there be meaning in life like that? Without money, fame, being special, being admired, without life and carreer not leading to next levels? I feel like asking to watch that movie first before commenting.

It's really frustrating cause I try to 'get it' (nonduality etc) quickly, to make money and respect out of it. Then it's immediately lost and a really uncomfortable heavy feeling in the body and especially the stomach area appears. I want to get it in order to not feel impatience and pessimism. Whatever it is, meditation, God, etc. I try to make it mine so that I can sell it. I try to make it mine so that I have something others want. So that I would have something interesting and valuable and I'd be interesting and valuable and respectable in the eyes of others. But really it's all just a petty, miserable game. And it feels so heavy. Like a game I can't win. If I could win it, I would already have. And if I could win it, I could also lose it later. I'd have to keep winning and getting it. Endless hamster wheel. It feels so bad in the stomach area. Almost a flu-like feeling in the entire body. Where narcissism is at. I've been holding a belief that I need to be special for there to be meaning. That I'd have to be a superman. I see all these famous artists and other successful people and it's like their life is going somewhere. They're the center of attention. And then I think that I need some project or my own company or artistry or something like that for my life to be going somewhere, to be the center of attention and have meaning. This movie is probably talking about exactly this. https://m.imdb.com/title/tt27503384/ How could there be meaning in life like that?

Similarly as that you can't know what you are because you are being what you are.

Maybe it's projection. Kind of if I'd say that you must not lie because if you do, God will judge you and send you to hell. Then you'd go around trying not to lie and feeling horrible. Though would it really be you telling lies?

Day 28. 2 x 25 minutes done. Had rest from the workout and walk today. No drinking.

This is such a relief. I am not identifying as me. I am what's being identified as. I am not mispercieving. I am the misperception. Such a relief!! It's not on me. I have done nothing wrong. And it's not that I haven't done enough. And there's nothing I need to do. I do not need to become more pure. I am already perfect. ❤️ There is no spiritual journey. I am already 'there'. I don't need to fix anything about myself. I don't need to acquire or succeed or be talented enough to make this life work. It's all just from the grace of God. "Everyone is a beggar. The only giver is Ram." - Neem Karoli Baba "The greatest joy for the action figure is to be used [by a higher power]." - Paul Hedderman

Santa doesn't believe in Santa.

Has anyone here ever tried smelling salts? I just got this crazy idea that because they seem to cause such an intense reaction & athletes use them to 'wake up', that they could also be used to snap out or get energized when discordant thought loop or lethargy happens. Kind of like cold showers or cold splash of water on the face. Or am I just being stupid?

Meditation, satsang and exercise.

I've got a good feeling about all this. There's this intuition/feeling that basically the 'seed' is now planted and sprouting. There's this gut-feeling that this is 'it'. Now it's just a matter of letting it bloom and saturate 'this life'. It's like an anti-virus has entered the system and it's breaking the old crap down.

Day 27. 2 x 25 minutes done. Walk done. Workout done. No drinking.

😂 You don't need any, it's just a movie.

The mis-perception is not a mistake you're doing. You are the mis-perception.

How do you guys see the Lord's Prayer? The past few days I've felt called to recite it every now and then. It seems to be coming from the recognition that I can't manage life (get it done, get what I want, live happily) by myself. It feels very aligned to hand it over to something that can manage and get it done. And the Lord's Prayer seems to hit that spot. It feels pretty great. Do you think that Jesus actually shared the prayer like it says in the Bible? Here's the traditional translation: Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name; thy kingdom come; thy will be done; on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation; but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, for ever and ever. Amen.

Day 26. 2 x 25 minutes done. Walk done. Workout done. No drinking.