Blessed2

Just came home from the first gym session. It was great! The gym was good. Great equipment, lots of space, felt kind of safe there. The first exercise I did was squat machine, and I almost passed out after 2 sets lol. I guess I started off too hard. I started sweating like never before. Maybe my body was just in shock since it's been a while since I've been lifting like that.

Disciples asked: "When will the pizza be whole? When will the time to feast take place?" Jesus said: "The pizza you are awaiting for is already whole, but you do not recognize it."

I think that the withdrawal kinda started now. Or maybe it's just what I think. I don't know if my mind is just going crazy or what. It's 7AM now and I didn't sleep at all last night. I almost fell asleep like usual but then I went to the bathroom and suddenly didn't feel sleepy anymore. Then I had the thought that the withdrawal insomnia has begun. And now I've felt weirder and weirder every hour. It just feels like I'm suddenly super alert. Like there is no sleepyness at all. Just no ability to fall asleep. The mind is racing with nonsense thoughts. I'm feeling anxious cause before the insomnia didn't start before like maybe after a week after lowering the dose. But now it seems like it has started only 2 days in. Am I jumping too fast cold turney to zero? I'm experiencing the emotion fear. I fear that the withdrawal is making my mind go racing and that along with insomnia could actually be dangerous. What if I can't sleep tomorrow night either? What if I stay up for three or four days without sleep? What if I get psychosis or something? It's scary cause I don't know if this is just me believing stupid thoughts or if it's actual withdrawal. It also sucks, because if I don't get sleep, then I don't feel good about doing anything. Like for example, going to the gym or seeing a therapist etc. I had such plans for today, but now that I didn't sleep, I just feel so worn out and sort of fuzzy that I don't feel like doing stuff like that, going out to public spaces. That really sucks the most about insomnia. This feeling of weariness and being "unfresh". Just not at all a feeling of going outside and meeting people. Even when I'm still totally alert. And because all those plans I have are not being carried out due to this insomnia, I start feeling anger and despair. There's tons of stuff I should get done, but I can't if I don't sleep. And I'd feel guilty about not doing them. I can't just stay home for days or weeks, I got shit I have to do, stuff to work out. Previoisly as this insomnia, fucked up sleep cycle and losing touch with routine etc. has happened, I have felt so shitty about it that tons of suicidal thoughts start appearing. The body just goes into this weird tensed up feeling, the guilt, the despair, the anger, the discouragement, the worry all just feels so acute and intense. It's totally nonsensical, there isn't really anything to worry about, nothing to be guilty about. But the thoughts just keep coming as if it's some kind of life or death situation. When I went to bed 7 hours ago, I felt great. But now this. Is it really the withdrawal or am I just believing thoughts? Am I just stressing out from nothing and making the insomnia happen that way? Also, when I don't seem to feel sleepy, I often get really stupid and drink coffee. Because I get this thought that maybe I can't sleep because I'm having caffeine bangs. Everyone says to not drink coffee late in the day if you're having trouble sleeping. But I feel like if I don't drink late, then I'll have bangs when I should be going to sleep and I can't fall asleep because of that. Cause I think that that actually happens. Often I do actually fall asleep when I drink coffee in the morning after staying up for the entire night. Ugh, this fucking sucks. I try and try to sleep, and I stress about it, go totally nuts with racing thoughts. And then of course I can't fall asleep. Even if I try to meditate to calm down, that's also me trying to fall asleep. Same for journaling. I just can't see a way out of these thoughts, this situation. I just totally stress out and don't seem to find a way to calm down. Just thought loop nonsense.

One thing I've noticed by doing / paying attention to this is how much thoughts there are about future. Yet future is not here.

Lately something new has been appearing, which is this feeling of ambition. Sort of "go get it-tery." The sort of "basic" self-help stuff has been resonating more. Sort of a stage orange kind of thing I guess. But with it also doubt arises. Very uncomfortable feeling. I've got this one life. And I got dreams. And I want those dreams fulfilled. But can I make it happen? That feeling, or that thought can be sort of 'paralyzing'.

Day 1! 😀💪🤘🤘 2 x 30 minutes done. Walk done. No drinking. Tomorrow is first gym day. It's day 2 without pills. Haven't noticed any withdrawal effects. It was a good start for this challenge. Feelin great Went to a barber today and she recommended I should start using an anti-hairloss shampoo. 💀

On a more 'serious' note, like I said in the op, Jesus and the word "forgiveness" is simply what feels right for me atm. It's just about how it feels. It could also be a mantra like OM or RAM or whatever. And/or Buddha, or a hindu deity. Or even song lyrics or a quote that reminds you of sane thinking. Or even just focusing on God, whatever that means to you. Or even just bringing attention to perception and sensation.

It's okay, that's more christian than all christianity. 😂

I've been doing this for a couple of days and it's been quite fun: Any time you notice that you're focusing on nonsensical thoughts (it'll make itself known by how it feels, basically everything under contentment or boredom on the scale), whip your own ass by reminding yourself by repeating a few times with your inner voice: "these are insane thoughts". Then bring in mind a symbol (a picture and/or a word) that represents sane thoughts / sanity to you. For me it's a picture/vibe of Jesus, and the word "forgiveness". Then for a moment focus on that symbol. I repeat the word "forgiveness" for a little while, and think of Jesus. Then go about your day.

This is the hijacking! It's lightning speed. The question was: "Where is the self thoughts are about?" The answer was: "I am not ready..."! 🫣 Where is the self that thought is about? Nothing is asked of you, no perspective is being required to be adopted by you, nothing about you needs to be different, there's nothing you need to do. What's being put into question is the pre-assumption "you" that's prior to any of these. You're not doing the hijacking either btw. That happens prior to "you".

Can what I am appear (in form)? Is all that's appearing (in form) what I'm not?

The message of enlightenment / nonduality points out the pre-assumption of being a separate self; me, mine, you, yours etc. The great dilemma here though is that because the separate self is a pre-assumption, it overrides / hijacks everything that comes 'after'. Kind of like holding red-tinted glasses on your eyes, everything seems red and it's assumed that the world just is all red. So when the message of enlightenment / nonduality comes about, it's also claimed by the pre-assumption of separate self. So now it's put in the context of separate selvery and the interpretation is that enlightenment or nonduality is something that you will come to realize, get, understand, become aware of, etc. So you are not expected to eventually realize anything. This is not what the message is. "Liberation is not for you, it's from you." This is a great video: https://youtu.be/jcMr6KdlvdE?feature=shared

Day 45. Challenge done. 💫 2 x 25 minutes done Workout done. Walk done. No drinking. If I'm correct, this is also the 90th day of daily meditation. Haven't skipped a day. I don't know if it's the meditation or quitting pills but lately a lot of discord has been coming up. Especially the emotions despair, powerlessness, insecurity, rage, anger, frustration, irritation, impatience. And pessimism. It's hard. Not gonna lie, I think the next challenge is going to be really hard. There will probably be intense moments of rage and anger and despair and such. I don't know where any of this is going. Sometimes it feels like I'm losing my mind honestly. Especially evenings and nights are hard. But I will go on as planned. Today I didn't take any pills. I'm quitting the antidepressants for good. And tomorrow will be day 1 of the next challenge. It will be 60 days. There will be 2 x 30 minutes of meditation. I will start a gym membership and train 3x a week. Daily walking will continue and let's make it one hour a day. And no drinking. Here's some other things/goals I'd like to do / experience in the next 60 days: - I'd like to try doing embroidery. - I'd like to see a therapist and see other mental health professionals. - I'd like to have a job. - I'd like to ace the test to get into a new school/studies. - I'd like to make new friends. - I'd like to quit caffeine and nicotine - I'd like to eat good vegan food and leave all the garbage behind.

If you believe that you (your weakness, your attachments, your desires, your lack of willpower etc) are standing in your own way, then you'd be split in two and you'd be serving two masters. How could you win that battle? If you believe that something other than yourself is in your way, them you'd admit that God is powerless.

The idea that you can do pretty much anything, if not literally anything, by yourself, of your own power, is insane. Do you think you can make losing weight, for example, happen by yourself? If you do believe that, then jump to the future where you have lost weight. If you could get out of the rut, create the change you want, become happy, be blessed like a saint, why have you not already made that happen? Why do you meditate? Why do you read books? Why do you contemplate? Why do you come to forums? Why don't you just snap your fingers and be done with it?

Almost always it's that you must do something, or change yourself. You must do yoga. You must become unbiased. You must not have fear.Then you'll get to the truth. But how often is the "you" that stands prior to doing or becoming put into question?

If you are what you are looking for, any attempt to find it or get to it is the very veiling hiding it.

Yah, I think temptation is a self-conceptualization. If there was hell, that there is such a thing as "temptation" would be like one of the building blocks. As soon as "temptation" is believed to be a thing, you've already lost and there is no salvation in that calculation. It might be believed that the salvation will be somehwere in the future, but salvation in the future is no salvation at all.

Day 44. 2 x 25 minutes done. Walk done. Workout done. No drinking.

Stop believing that and having that fear.

I don't know what's going on, my mood swings constantly and it's so overwhelming and scary. I don't know where it's coming from. I've been steady on a dose of anti-depressants for a week so it shouldn't be that. But I'm lowering (quitting entirely) tomorrow, and I'm scared of what might happen. Cause it's going to be a big drop this time. There is a constant feeling of acuteness and urgency, as if my nervous system was in fight or flight. Stuff like what I'm going to eat for dinner seems like a huge thing. The thoughts of drinking or not drinking today seem like a question of an entire lifetime. Every moment of the day is constant stress and pressure. It's like I'm trying to squeeze all pleasure or good feeling I can get out of life... Trying to maximise it. There's a feeling of acuteness and urgency to it. I must gather all the good feeling or pleasure I can muster. Small things seem like life-sized urgent problems. The mood swings constantly and thought loops keep happening. I often feel really angry at this forum. Meditation, the scale, acknowledging emotions etc, it's like all this just reminds me constantly that I'm not doing enough, that it's all my fault, that I should be doing and trying more, I should not do this or that etc. Journaling is one of those things. It's not relieving or helpful, but quite the contrary because it comes with the belief that it's something I must do, I should do, and if I don't, all the bad stuff is my fault. And there's even the belief that it should be done in a certain way, using non-dual language, not use self-referential words etc. In june I'm supposed to go for a trip abroad with friends, but I'm worried that if I quit the pills and it fucks me up, I can't go or that I'll be a nervous mess and have panic or anger. There's just so much stuff that's stressing me out. Literally even just lying on the bed, I feel tense and stressed out. It's physically unconfortable even. The body hurts, aches. I've also been lashing out at my girlfriend a few times and that's not been happening before. It's like I'm fighting for my life all day every day. Even meditation is that fighting, and not really relaxing. And then there's lots of shame, insecurity, thought loops like that. Shame about the thoughts I'm thinking. Shame about being me. Shame about past things I've said or done. I feel so ashamed and guilty all the time. I actually fear for my mental health. Sometimes it feels like my mental stability is just breaking down. I can't wish for having a job or anythig like that. I can barely even get through a day. The torment begins the moment I wake up and continues until I fall asleep. A constant acute battle.

Day 43. 2 x 25 minutes done. Walk done. Skipped workout. No drinking!! I was literally planning on it, on my way to buy alcohol and pizza, but something stopped me and I just gave sobriety a chance for today. And I ate a good vegan meal. 🙏

Taylor Swift just been taking over the entire world lately wtf https://variety.com/2024/music/news/taylor-swift-the-tortured-poets-department-spotify-record-daily-streams-1235977022/amp/

If it worked, it would have already worked. When it doesn't work, there's always a justification for it: - You have not done enough of it - You have not done it well enough - You have done it in a wrong way - You are too afraid - You are too comfort seeking - You are not feeling fully - You are not accepting something - It'll work in the future - You just aren't ready yet - You are too stubborn, too lazy - You are blaming others - You lack discipline or willpower There's always some special ingredient missing, and maybe at some point in the future it will work. Though have you ever found that missing ingredient? If you could find it, wouldn't you already have found it? What are you waiting for?