Blessed2

Though it's not like you can study what non-duality points to either. Cause you are already that. Maybe that which isn't really there is the only thing you can study. Maybe the science can even be utilized as means to see what you are not.

I once traveled 30 years into the future and met future Leo. I asked him how awake he has become after 30 years, and recorded a video of him explaining the depth of his awakeness. Then I returned back to the present time and showed that video to present Leo. He said "that's not it yet".

Narcissism. Self-serving and self-aggrandizing motives and attempts and thoughts and desires. When there is a pause every now and then to those kind of thoughts, it feels so good. Everything is much lighter and easy and enjoyable. But then they come back so easily. It's very sticky. But I'm done with it.

Why would anyone be interested in what comes after that "but"? I don't know anything about any of that and I don't really even care honestly. And I don't really want to see you in my threads either. Everything you say is just Actualized nonsense and a petty facade. It can be felt insantly in the digestive tract.

I heard even Chuck Norris is afraid of him.

Hmm. Cause that's how it just seems to feel like. Suffering. It's like a bondage or a prison also in the sense that everything is filtered through the pre-assumption of self. It's like a closed system / logic. All it comes to contact with is set in it's context. Like a matrix. And it also seems that the fruit it produces haven't been that great.

Something I've been feeling great wondering about is that at which point had Buddha, Nisargadatta, Ramana, Jesus etc. meditated, let go attachments, let go fears, gained mental strenght or ability to become enlightened? 😁 Is there really like a magical point when suddenly the person becomes cabable or developed or mindful enough to become enlightened? 😂 Or is that just a hamster wheel? (Self-development) Is it perhaps more like seeing that you're already not that?

"When you surrender to a real master, it's only by grace that you surrender. It's not an act of your own personal will." - Jai Ram. Eggsactly. Surrender is always "recommended" by spiritual teachers etc. Then I try to surrender and finally feel at peace. Then I notice I can't fucking surrender. Maybe thought loops appear. And is met with guidance. And it seems like other people are better in surrendering, have less fear or something. "Oh wow, Ramana Maharshi is so good at surrendering to God." "I have way too much fear and attachments to surrender like Ramana Maharashi. I have to get rid of those first to finally be able to surrender." 😁 I am so incompetent that I can't even surrender!

Day 33. 2 x 25 minutes done. Still sick. Gotta rest and skip the workout. Had a little walk though. Oh, and no drinking today. Nor yesterday. Maybe this flu appeared at a good time. Saw some people who can help yesterday. They helped me with other stuff, but didn't have a good spot to bring up the alcoholism. The plan was to go again tomorrow but if I'm still sick, I'll go later. But I will. I want to take action. I actually threw up tuesday night when I went to sleep, I was so drunk. When I woke up in the morning it kind of just hit me very clearly that "yup, this is alcoholism". It was weird cause it's not like I had not known that before. But yesterday morning it somehow was just super clear. That this is not normal, these uncontrollable urges and fixations to get drunk are not normal. And how I've been feeling in general, not just in terms of alcoholism, is not how life is supposed to feel like. Like for fucks sake, it is not normal to think/feel that life would be meaningless without alcohol, and that is not what life is supposed to be like. That is an alcoholic belief. Today I came across a video of Adyashanti saying something like "meditation only begins when it is noticed that you can't do it, you can't focus" That's exactly what I've been experiencing lately with meditation.

Oop, forgot yesterday. Day 32 2 x 25 minutes. Got the flu. Had a walk, but no workout.

Seems to be a thought. An implying of a haver, a doer, a feeler, a thinker etc.

Mindfulness of legs and feet and toes. Walking, physical movement.

It's like you're sitting in a movie theatre and mistaking yourself to be a character you see on the movie screen. Then when the spiritual message that there is a mis-perception (mis-idenitfication) happening, you hear it as the movie character because there is a pre-supposing that you are the movie character. You think that the message is directed toward the movie character. And what follows is a confusion that the movie character has done something wrong, that it is doing the mistake, and that it has to correct the mistake. This is how "you / I have an ego" comes about. YOU ARE NOT DOING EGO STUFF. EGO STUFF IS DOING YOU.

"Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him." John 13:16

"I am that I am" "You can't know what you are because you are being what you are." That is SUCH a wild card. I can't know, learn, define what I am because I am already what I am.

Propranolol? For anxiety?

Some of those questions about Leo, psychedelics, mystical experiences and ego / ego death might be the very stuff that is causing the suffering you seek relief from!

IMO it would make more sense as: Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name; thy kingdom is come; thy will is done; on earth as it is in heaven. You do give us this day our daily bread. And you do forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. And you do lead us not into temptation; but you do deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, for ever and ever. Amen. IMO it's not like we're asking when we pray, it's more like we recognize what already is when we pray. It's in there twice?! I didn't realize that. You still think that Jesus actually shared that prayer though? Why do you think he shared a specific prayer like that instead of let's say a meditation practice? Why did Jesus talk about God/Father, but Buddha didn't? 🤔

It did really feel that way. ☹️

Day 31. 2 x 25 minutes done. Walk done. Workout skipped. Drinking again today. It feels and tastes horrible. Will seek help soon. Maybe even tomorrow. There's a social services thing I can just go to without an appointment. I will go asap. There wasn't really any reason to drink today. The thought just took hold. Just insane, stupid, ridiculous thoughts and beliefs. Did the emotional scale, but it didn't help. Tried to meditate and let the thoughts go, but they kept on. Tried to let go & let God, but they kept on. I feel a bit sorry. I know journaling / opening up is recommended here. I tried, but the stupid alcoholic, fearful thoughts came over. Did I even give it (grace/God) a chance? Did I give the suggested methods a chance? Maybe I could have tried a bit more.

Spiritual "teachers" be like: YouCut_20240408_234500297.mp4

Okay, I suspected that because of how familiar the things you shared sounded like. The spiritual "teachings" shared on Actualized.org are very, very off. You have basically been totally mislead in terms of what spirituality, non-duality, enlightenment, ego, etc. actually are and what those concepts point to. You have also been mislead on what fear is. The same happened to me. You are not alone with these emotions, worry, fear. What helped me a lot was staying away from all that content. I spent something like an entire year without visiting that website and youtube channel at all. Nowadays the nonsensery of those "teachings" is so clear that it's basically just sad (or laughable) to see it. I'd suggest you do the same. Just for the sake of how it feels, keep away from all Actualized.org content. It takes a moment to un-wire the beliefs and ideology you have been manipulated / mislead into. But you will see through it more & more as time goes by. And it feels great.

I'm not sure what happened yesterday. I got drunk. And I'm feeling the same craving to drink today, and it's just too strong. I just don't want to fight it. It feels better to just give up.

Did anyone see the movie though?

😂😂 That's so funny.