Kevin

I would say why these emotions are being experienced is because they haven’t been previously. Or they have somehow been rejected and not allowed. It seems like some times it’s been done so long that I even forget what the emotions are about or why I’m feeling it. For example, the topic I discussed on the last call we had about the resentment towards my mom. I didn’t even remember any of that or why there was always that tension felt around her until it came up during the call. The emotion was present whenever I thought of her or was around her but I’d completely forgotten why or what it was about. I believe that there are other topics where something similar is going on but I’m just not aware of what it is. lol this one is classic cryptic Phil.

Ah I think I’m smelling what your putting down

Ah this is very clear. And on my part, not acknowledging the guidance of anger and revenge turns into obsessive training and potentially turns into me rolling like an asshole with him and more potential injuries on both sides. Kind of a Jiu Jitsu arms race to get better and it could spiral.

What do you mean?

I like competition and so against people that are better than me or close in skill I go 100%. In terms of why he would do that. I kept almost getting him in submission holds but I believe he was frustrated by that since he is a much higher belt level than I am. I shouldn’t be catching him. I believe this frustrated him. I can’t think of any other reason why he would rip the submission without giving me time to tap.

I’m not sure what you mean. I will say there is huge competitiveness in Jiu Jitsu. I’m always trying to win but idk if it’s bad because I don’t feel shitty about losing. I believe there are levels in terms of some people are better at Jiu Jitsu. But that motivates me to get better.

I’ve seen this before. Are you pointing towards the knee being a pride and ego thing like it says in the chart?

Eh maybe but my mentality was just to be better than the guy so it doesn’t happen again. I’m already really close so it shouldn’t be to hard.

Yes most definitely mistreatment. I’ve been training over 3 years and I’ve never ripped a submission that hard or hurt anyone.

So I went to Jiu Jitsu today. I went against a brown belt. For frame of reference the belt system goes white to blue to purple to brown to black. Basically I almost submitted the brown belt. He got pissed and ripped a knee bar submission so hard that I didn’t have time to tap. A knee bar is basically hyper extending the knee further than it’s supposed to go. My knee really hurts now and it feels weak when I put weight on it. Normal submission etiquette during training is that you hold the submission and then slowly apply pressure to give your opponent time to tap. I’m pretty fucking angry because he ripped it really hard and really quickly. I didn’t have time to tap at all. Now my knee hurts. I’m mostly very angry because I believe he only did it because he probably got angry that I kept almost submitting him. I’m a blue belt so there’s a big rank disparity. He’s supposed to be much more skilled. Basically I’m furious about it

Yep I totally understand people not voting for trump. But Leo has such awful takes and he’s clearly very invested in leftist political views. The last couple times I’ve visited I’ve been shocked at how stupid some of his takes are and how certain he is that he is right. That forum really is the blind leading the blind. I’m so glad I never started posting there.

That seems clear now. Thoughts that bring about painful emotions came up a lot and then it seemed like that was me which was very painful and there was a ton of resistance. It seems that it’s all about willingness to feel. Which it doesn’t seem like I decide. When there is willingness it seems like everything can be felt and there is relief. Occasionally there is an energetic no. It seems like some things come up and then there is a no and then it becomes painful. Fortunately at the moment there seems to be willingness to feel. My emotions are met with a yes and there has been continual relief. Hopefully remain present and trust. It seems like since I’ve been giving my emotions a yes, there has been a lot of relief.

Yes I guess it would have been more accurate to say that I was feeling very sad and I didn’t know how to feel better. Oh so much stuff. I’ll never succeed at the things I want to. Music career and starting a business probably won’t work out. Uninspired. I’ll probably never find a girl I like. So many people are stupid and have just the stupidest and worst takes. Very good idea. I’ve been trying that a bit today. We’ll see how it goes

Totally I’m gonna journal more. I did some journal writing last night and that really helped.

Yeah pretty much. This seems like a tough nut to crack. I think I make a lot of progress in other areas of life and I start feeling good but then this issue still persists and then I get so frustrated. I guess I feel lost.