noomii

I'm in my mid 20's and I have never been in love with a man or been in a romantic relationship. I've only been hooking up with a bunch of men since I was a teen. I've been with several guys that I've felt attached to but I haven't felt like I'm "in love". This makes me so insecure thinking there's something wrong with me, why does it seem so easy for other women to attract men and fall in love? I have also experienced a very low sex drive my whole life too. In the past I was mostly ignoring my body and what I wanted just to please men. Now it's different as I set boundaries and feeling myself, but that makes me less wanted by men. I worry that if I would meet someone I wanted a lot, they would quickly get tired of me and leave if I would be honest about my sexuality (as it is right now). What can I do in a situation like that? I guess it's unnecessary worry about an imaginary future to let go of. I experience unworthiness when reading what men wants, like I'm just not good enough and I worry about being perceived as unattractive. I also experience a lot of fear about aging because it seems like men won't desire me anymore the more I age, like I have an expiration date. I've been told by a man that I look like I'm 35. Also the past several years when going through a lot of difficulties I've been meeting much less people and feeling like nothing I want is coming to me easily no matter what it is. So that explains a bit but I don't think it's just that. When I've felt really unwell I don't feel like I've even had space for a partner and I haven't given it much thought. I have written on my dream board about what kind of man I want. Also when I feel attracted to someone that is already in a relationship or just seeing anything I like in any man, I write down those aspects about him that I want. I have thought that it might be better for me to just forget about trying to attract a man and just focus on well-being and feeling better. I'm comparing myself with others who had several boyfriends young, but not me, and I'm wondering if that could be because I'm holding onto certain beliefs that they don't? What beliefs makes it difficult for me to attract the man I want? Is it just the obvious, believing "I'm not good enough"? Is it related to my relationship with my father? The beliefs I've shared just feel like shit and I want to get rid of them.

In my case I seem to have a lot more resistance involved Yes I could do that. "I have so much to do, I need to hurry so that I can do all the other stuff later today. I don't have much time". When taking long walks in nature I usually feel the most guilt thinking I'm unproductive and wasting hours in the forest. That's something I want more of but I haven't really allowed myself much of that.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CxAmMpWP7r4/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link I've been shaking to Shakira a lot lately

I'd take it on a day when I don't work and can focus on anything that feels good. Set an intention. Acknowledge & allow what comes up emotionally.

I first thought you meant it's bad to push yourself to do a lot at once as it makes it more difficult to create a habit out of it, that usually it's easier to maintain a habit by cleaning a little everyday. How did you realize this?

Same this time?

I have found a few communities I could visit to see if I want to live there. I really don't feel like moving to some place alone. If I don't find the people I want to live with now then I will just look for my own place. I experience some worry about how I will get along with people I meet. A few weeks ago I was at a big gathering camping/living together in the forest for two weeks. No technology, just cooking/working/helping each other, sitting by the fire, singing, playing instruments, swimming everyday, sauna and workshops. I went back home a few days inbetween those weeks and then I came back for the full moon late in the evening. On my way I met a man in the dark in the forest who had a big chunk of raw cacao that he was given from someone, he asked me if I wanted to drink it with him because he missed the ceremony earlier that day and he was leaving the next day. I said no because I was very tired and wanted to sleep. Then he gave me half of the cacao. Recently I think it's him I got in contact with again, through the community chat. He owns land and wants to build a community and he said I'm welcome to visit and live there if I want to. So I'm going there next week to hang out with him. It's also just next to a Vipassana center and a beautiful nature reserve. I'm so excited!!!! 🤍

@Orb What kind of infection?

I thought it was because people who knew about this forum came from Actualized forum

Thanks for the suggestion. Really? Might explain why I gained weight that don't go away or being bloated, despite having smaller appetite, the digestion is slow.

I experience a lot of worry and insecurity about how I'm perceived by others with what I write. I usually find it easy to express verbally how I feel and be honest with people I'm with 'in person'. I don't know why I judge myself so much with what I write. I just want to express myself however I want. I also experience doubt about what I even want to write or express. I have thought that maybe I'm doing things I don't want to just because I want attention and approval. I feel incredibly blocked in my expression and when I do express anything in writing that other people read I usually just want to remove it shortly after. I have thought that maybe I should delete this account or hide all posts. It shouldn't matter what's shared if there's no seperate self but it really seem like there are consequences and other people.

I have actually started to use the emotional scale again and my intention is now to finish it. It feels a bit easier now to use it for some reason but I have only started from worry on the scale these two days. Just a few min after finishing the scale I have experienced worry again but I guess it's ok. I'm going to focus on that and see how it feels. I'm going to acknowledge any other emotions related to productivity the rest of the day. In the morning I focus on concentration and body scan. I also try to wake up earlier but it's not going so well. I usually exercise later in the day but it would be better to wake up earlier and exercise, after meditation and before eating. It would also be good to use the emotional scale as early as possible but it feels too exhausting to do it after meditation and exercising. I experience a lot of worry with my workouts. If I don't exercise during the day I feel it, so I usually try to exercise everyday but I feel like I'm in a hurry and try to avoid the emotions coming up if I don't exercise. But I really need to calm down especially when running. It feels like running makes me even more stressed. I have also managed to challenge myself everyday with doing a bit of what needs to be done with work and finding a home, even though it's not much.

Also Chaga is yummy together with cinnamon bark. A bit sweet and vanilla like! When adding a lot of chaga the taste gets more bitter. 🧡

I've been drinking a lot of Chaga (Inonotus obliquus) there's a lot growing where I live so I have harvested my own. I haven't noticed a big difference when drinking it, maybe a subtle difference. Maybe it has given me a lot more than I have noticed. I used Lions Mane supplement for a few months, I don't really remember clearly how it felt I think it was mostly a subtle difference. I have tried Reishi tea only once so I can't say much about it. Microdosing psilocybin have helped me the most with feeling better. I've been microdosing Amanita Muscaria too which made me feel more relaxed, but I didn't like how it felt or maybe it was not the right time when I used it. You might have a different experience with the mushrooms. 🙂

Long time ago I watched these so I don't remember much of it, but here it is

She has said that she is against suicide, those statements sound very strange. Have you watched her videos on suicide on Youtube?

I have followed Teal Swan's content for years. I have kind of lost interest but I still watch some of her short videos on YT. I haven't watched the Deep end documentary or the podcast yet (just because I struggle with watching videos atm). Teal swan did upload several videos trying to prove that the Deep end is fake on her channel. I haven't watched much of it. I can't really see how her content have impacted me negatively. I have listened mainly to her and Leo Gura the past years. It's pretty clear how Leo Gura have impacted me negatively though.

Sounded like I haven't even started lol. Usually it feels difficult just to be completely focused on a task for 5 min.

There's thoughts saying Mandy probably don't even understand what I experience and how difficult it feels and that the difficulty to focus might be more than just being distracted by a thought. Might be something physically blocking me from focusing. I don't believe I have "ADHD" though. Also I don't think I can let go of all thoughts that comes up all the time while reading or listening to something. I have done regular meditation a lot but it doesn't seem to change much for me. It's easier to focus on one point also. If I would skip my current morning routine I would probably feel worse though so it probably does something despite what I said. I haven't really managed to deeply relax. I'm outdoors and I exercise most days. 5 min feels like something I can do, won't get much done but it can help me start. Most likely a long time ago. Why?

I need help with how to align and be productive. I experience a lot of worry about needing to find a place to live and a new job. I've been trying to push myself to get things done but it doesn't work when I feel so much resistance. In the morning I practice around 20 min concentration, then I do 30 min breathwork. During the day I acknowledge a lot of emotions. I still experience a lot of difficulty with reading, listening, learning, understanding etc. My focus is very bad even though I've practiced concentration for a long time. I feel very confused about what's the right practice for me. I don't really feel like the practices I do help me much. Also not sure if the breathwork is the right for me, after a while when breathing the same way I usually stop seeing any new changes and it seems useless. I don't feel that different from concentration practice either. I feel bored about most practices. I don't know where exactly I want to live so I don't know where to send my job applications yet. I have written on my dream board what I do know I want, how I want to live, but I don't know where or how to get there. I sometimes write in my notes better feeling thoughts and what I want in an attempt to align but it doesn't seem to change much because there's much emotional turmoil. To look for a new place to live feels difficult, when I try I seem to get so immensly distracted by thought which make it feel difficult to focus on looking for a place to live. I usually try to force myself but it feels very discordant. This happens with most things I try to focus on. I have kind of neglected my need for help because I've thought it takes too much effort to get help and that I should be able to solve this myself. How can I align? (Without using emotional scale everyday?) Is it just about bringing as much awareness as I can to the emotions?

I've added some ginger lately but it doesn't really go well together. I drink pine needles sometimes too, not really because of the taste

First time I tasted the raspberry leaves today, had one more cup of it now and I cut down a bunch of them to save for the winter 😁

I like herbal blends from YogiTea and chaga. I usually make tea out of what I find outside. Right now I drink a lot of nettles and mugwort. Just realized I can make tea out of the raspberry leaves in our garden, going to do that now. I love tea. ☺️🫠

Just wanted to share, feel free to share any sound baths you like. Best listened to on speakers with good sound quality.