noomii

I guess there's no me or anything separate from me to begin with so it's not possible

I don't know 😂 feeling?

Yes I've thought about that too and I don't think I have enough of it. I actually just ordered plain pea protein powder. I've been hesitant about trying it though because it's yellow peas and I don't think I tolerate it. Atleast I can try. Soy protein feels ok but I stopped eating it because of many sources saying it's not healthy. There's something that feels off or incomplete with most legumes for me, which makes me want to eat meat, but meat feels off in a different way.

I feel nausea from most foods I normally eat and weak from not eating enough protein. I don't plan my meals so I end up not eating what I need. I would love for you to share any kind of vegan high protein recipes or just certain foods you like. Maybe even healthy dessert ❤️

Thank you. 🙂 I noticed when sharing the previous messages with you I wasn't very clear with what I was asking for. I apologize if I was unclear in some way. I already have the guidence within. Still feeling doubt, but I'm allowing it and I'm focused on aligning myself before taking action.

That's a lot.

Thoughts about a seperate self?

That is useful advice for any thought appearing. What bothers me most are all the thoughts about time and that there is a time limit. I think I don't have time for noticing emotions & thoughts to allow an "answer" to unfold and to go slow/not force things when I don't know what to do, when I'm expected to be productive. I could be mindful of all of these thoughts one by one or to meditate more. But then there's a thought saying "That is too much, it is too much effort, it doesn't feel good". It seems like I can push myself too hard and that I should be gentle, but I also remember you saying something about that it's not possible to push yourself too hard? I guess it doesn't matter what I do because there's no right or wrong. But I believe there is and I'm trying to avoid mistakes.

@Phil What if I'm expected to make decisions quickly when I don't see what I want and when there's not much time for meditation? I feel a lot of doubt about where to work and live. I've been focused on just noticing the doubt, but I also feel a lot of worry that I need to make decisions quickly. I don't know what the next steps are and when I'm forcing myself to figure it all out with the mind it just feels worse. I did have an idea of what I could do earlier but changed my mind.

So if any thoughts about meditation and how it's not working appear I just return focus to perception or sensation? Thank you ❤️😊

I have experienced absurd amounts of procrastination and inactivity for a long time and meditated daily. I haven't noticed much change or improvement from meditating. I no longer sit for hours feeling like I'm in "freeze response" and distracting myself to avoid feeling. But it seems more like I no longer do that because emotions have been allowed more? I still try to avoid certain things I need to do (most likely avoiding overwhelm, fear or doubt). I feel easily overwhelm even though the tasks are what people normally think of as easy. I'm trying to do things despite how it feels but it seems like everything takes longer time than normal, that I'm ineffective and that I don't have much time for it (even though I have a lot of time, so to speak). It seems like the lack of focus I experience makes it more difficult to meditate? Before I read your post yesterday I focused on the breath for maybe 5 min and it felt easier than usual to focus on the breath. Maybe it was because I went through the emotional scale a few hours earlier. The reading felt difficult though. This morning I took a cold shower before meditation (which I thought would help with the focus) but it was still difficult to focus on the breath. Or maybe the meditation already works but I just keep on believing the thoughts about how it doesn't work and the lack of focus? @PhilI would like to hear your thoughts on this. 😊

My job coach showed me a wilderness/adventure guide training that is on a higher level, so it's easier to get a job after it and you can make your own business. I think I'm going to apply for it even though I'm not sure if it's what I want. I'm not interested in the part with winter activites by the mountains, climbing or skiing. Might be good to just do new things so that new creative ideas can flow. I'm going to apply for a job in the same place now to work until the training starts in autumn and tell them I'm planning on staying there after summer for the training. If I change my mind later I can just do something else. Other than that I really want to prepare for a big adventure and travel a lot. I want my income to support my traveling. I'm also listening to this daily, not at night though. I felt more drawn to these affirmations a few weeks ago when it felt good, it doesn't feel the same now, it's more like I'm thinking I should listen. I'm not sure how I feel right now, maybe worry. My breath is really shallow. I'm going to give my hair and scalp som oil and massage now 🙂 Then I'm going to focus on the emotional scale.

These two hours did not go as I wanted. So exhausted. Oh well

Not sure how much I should drink. I drink a lot less after 6pm just because I don't want to wake up at night to go to the toilet. Thanks. To me it seems like I have to do things I don't want, like having a job I don't like.

I also haven't recovered from a cough I've had since beginning of November which is strange. I've had a cold and fever often too.

I feel a lot of worry about talking to my coach tomorrow again. I have postponed a lot of what I need to do to find work or new place to live, just because of overwhelm, fear and doubt. It's just now this past month I'm more focused on it. But even now it just seems like I'm wasting a lot of time. I don't have anything new to tell her tomorrow, I feel so much doubt about what I want to do now and she can't tell me what to do. I feel like I need help but she can't help me. I've been mindful and breathing deep a lot today but it hasn't helped much. I've thought it might be better to sit with the emotional scale as I spend the same time just sitting with the same emotion anyways. But for some reason I feel resistance about the emotional scale because it has seemed like it haven't done much for me and that it makes me put effort on things that I don't prioritize. I've also thought about writing down all beliefs I want to question. But if I do the emotional scale it feels like it's too much effort to also sit and question beliefs. I have around two hours more to get things done before tomorrow.

Yeah I have no idea what the best way is to deal with a man like that. Kind of scary to not know how he will react.

Sorry to hear. You probably already know about this but I share anyways. If I lived there I'd look for any support groups for women or even just someone to call for support about sexual assault. I think it's empowering to be in contact with women where you support each other. I'd also learn more about how I can better defend myself. The women I talked to when I was there told me if a man tries to do something it's best to be loud when confronting him and let people around you know what he's doing, if there's people around. They said it might make him feel ashamed and someone could help you out.

I traveled around South India and Sri Lanka for a bit more than two months when I was 19. First I was only going to volunteer in a reforestation community in India but then I left after a while to travel to different places. The men I met in the community were respectful and kind, but later I got sexually assaulted once in India and then a second time in Sri lanka. Not raped but still not acceptable. It can happen anywhere but it seems like it's more common in India, is it because of culture, misogyny or just a big population? Or was it just me, did I attract it? Sounds horrible to ask that but genuinely wondering. Sri Lanka if I'm not wrong seem to have similiar culture as south India. First guy in India sat beside me at a night bus (no beds) and didn't stop touching me even though I said No and pushed him away. I felt too scared to let the whole bus know. Second time in Sri lanka a man with a tuktuk jacked off while watching me at the beach eating my fruits for breakfast. Then when I walked away to the other side of the beach he followed me. Then I walked right to him, took a picture of his tuktuk number (why didn't I just laugh and take a pic of him...?) Which made him drive away. I went to the police nearby, no idea what I expected out of that visit tbh. When I shared what happened they just laughed. They have no private rooms, so most people that were visiting heard what happened and laughed too. I felt a lot of insecurity when they laughed, seemed like they laughed at me. Similiar thing happened to me again a few months ago where a man jacked off while watching me swim. Kind of confused about this as they never touched me but put me in a very uncomfortable situation that I didn't give consent to. Another guy tried to get inside my tent at night at a festival a few months ago too. However the way indian culture see women seem to be very different. If I ever come back I think I would like a strong man 😂 by my side or just a group of people, to feel more safe and free to do what I want. Tbh I did bring a kind of pepper spray for protection with me but I didn't use it.

@Orb Maybe you react on the pea protein in the protein powder? If you cook dried legumes try soaking them in water over night first. Peeled mung beans, yellow wax beans, canned lentils and sprouts have been more gentle on my gut. Soaking over night in water is the first step when sprouting stuff. You were the one feeling great eating meat right? 🙂 What made you switch to a vegan diet?

Right now I'm focused on breath awareness meditation and Nadi Shodhana in the morning. I feel boredom about the practice but I also feel drawn to more slow focused breathing. I feel tense when doing Nadi Shodhana. It feels easier to relax with breathing practices when lying down.

I've been sleeping better this week as I wake up less often at night, it might be because of the Holy Basil. It would be great if I could wake up earlier. I'm not using an alarm clock in the morning now when I don't have to because it feels too stressful for my body to force myself up when I haven't got enough sleep. So right now I want to focus on going to bed early so that I can wake up by myself early fully rested. I feel doubt about if I'm even doing things right with all of these healing practices and what I even should focus on. Feels like I'm not doing enough or not the right thing. I just feel so ungrounded and tense. I wish I didn't need Facebook for events. My intention was to only use it for events that is happening but it is so disturbing to have the app on the phone as it makes me go there out of habit and it feels so off. I think I need to be more intentional and maybe delete or block the app if I'm not using it. I don't have a computer so I'm only using the phone for everything I do. I downloaded a minimalist app recently which makes me see only 4 apps, I don't see the icons, only the letters. If I want another app I need to search for it. So far it seem to feel better and less addictive I think. Today: Be mindful of emotions and breathe deeply. Focus on whats most important to prepare for next weeks meeting. Work out, go for a run. Go to bed early.

Last night in a dream a woman dragged out a long thing out of my left ear, like a tissue or something? The woman told me I need to take this out of my ear otherwise I will bleed, then she continued to look if I had more. She was also tattooing "The Powerpuff Girls" by my shoulderblades. Not writing it, she actually tattooed the girls. 😂 Then I showed the tattoo to a little girl who was curious. I think we were on a concert waiting for some artist. I assume the ears was about needing to let go of something emotionally so that it will feel easier to listen to my parents. I'm not sure what the tattoo means. I used to watch the powerpuff girls when I was a kid. Maybe it was some kind of symbol of empowerment and maybe the little girl was me but as a child? I feel a lot of worry about the tasks I believe I need to get done and it seems like I don't have time for a lot of things. Not even journaling. I'm trying to be mindful as much as possible now and take deep breaths.

Everything will work out perfectly for me today. I want to feel relaxed, content, hopefulness, happiness and empowerment. I will start working out again today after a few days rest. I want to run and do some strength exercise for my back and legs. I feel pessimism right now I think, thoughts about not wanting to be alive comes up regularly. Feeling pretty ungrounded and breath is shallow. About career path. I think I want to work with something related to wilderness and spirituality. I want to see if working in the forest with hiking or bushcraft is what I want. I've read about educations like nature guide where I lead a group but I'm not sure if it's right for me. I helped my landlord with their forest and firewood two years ago but it's not the kind of work I want. I don't want to work alone in the forest. I could apply for a job without education for next summer by the ski resorts where people hike but I don't think I would get to work with what I want. Also I don't have a drivers license so if I'd go there I would be stuck there the whole summer almost. One good thing though is that you get accommodation there. I could also work in a store with natural supplements/medicine because it feels like it would come natural to me. I think it would be possible without a special education if I just got to learn from the people working there. My job coach have said it's not easy to get full time and that it's not well paid. I feel pretty much done living here, I'd much rather travel to a new country and work. It would also be nice to have a job where I get to travel and not stay in one place. Today: Acknowledge emotions. Workout. Write down what spiritual practices I want to focus on. Write down what I want to focus on with work and finding new home. GO TO BED EARLY!!!! 21.30.

I woke up by noon and I've only been watching videos of bears and camping all day. Haven't paid much attention to emotions other than meditation when I woke up. Feel guilt about this day and it feels like I'm not in control. Might use emotional scale before bed but the thought of it doesn't feel good. Maybe I should write down how I can change approach. I don't feel very willing to live life. I notice I feel guilt anytime I happen to write about feeling sorry for myself, victim mentality or just wanting attention. I believe I shouldn't write about it, but that's mostly because I care about what people think of me. I don't really understand why some think wanting attention is bad. It would probably be loving to just let me be as I am. Hoping I will go to bed early as I have a seminar early tomorrow.