noomii

I really don't feel good about this workplace for so many reasons, for what they do and how they communicate. Sounds like they hear a lot of complaints from people too. It has just felt too difficult to find a new job and I've not been focused and not known what to do. It felt like I put in so much effort to just make a call today to ask about a job that was not available. I really don't feel like going to work tomorrow because it feels like shit to be with them, I can be aware but I just don't want to be with them.

I want to stop this. The couple that owns this company are very disorganized, unprofessional and irresponsible. Another man I work with is very similiar to my brother, apparently it wasn't enough to stop having contact with him/that part of me. He feels the same anger or irritation and has a hard surface. He even look similiar and have similiar manners.

I didn't sleep much last night and I was very close to call them and say I can't come. 10 min before I needed to be there I was thinking about the money and I decided I'm going 🤦🏻😂 it's just a 1 min run away from me and then I get to go with them to different places. I really expected that I would feel like shit today especially without morning meditation but it's been better than expected. I've not needed to put in much effort so far because we have mostly been driving around. I really don't know how I'm going to manage to get enough sleep when I need to wake up at 5am. I don't even remember the last time I slept enough. I believe I need 9 hours of sleep and that I would need to be in bed at 7pm because it takes time to fall asleep.

I haven't done what I want since my last post, I have just been at home cleaning. A few weeks ago I shared in a local group that I was looking for a job and no one replied until yesterday a neighbour contacted me and told me they work with cleaning and gardening and that I can work hourly now with them. I visited her today and I'm probably starting work at thursday. I don't even know how this will go because that is heavy work. I have wasted my summer and not doing what I want since beginning of June and now I'm going to just work with a really boring job. It's not only this summer, it has been like this for around 5 years except for when I've done things I want inbetween very long periods of not doing any things I want. I have felt really really bad about how much time I have wasted. I have wasted my youth and I already look like I'm around 35-40. I need to stop saying that so that I can look better and be more liked. I hate what every man desires in womens appearence. Fuck you.

If you let go of thoughts about it I guess

It has felt very difficult to get things done. I need to go to the grocery store, I need to take a shower, I need to clean my home but I feel too tired. I have told myself for two days to use the dream board but I haven't. I haven't applied for any jobs. It feels like time is passing by quickly constantly. I don't know how to let go of all this. If anyone here feel like they are failing you can just ask me what I've done with my whole life, you are most likely doing better than me.

I don't

I just talked to my neighbour and happened to mention why I quit my job and apparently she has also had a similiar experience with mental fatigue and difficulty with focus.

Because of insecurity or guilt, what people think. I'm not inspired to give anything now.

I shouldn't have shared any of this. When I went there last weekend she said they were superbusy with a poolparty for her daughter and that she has a lot to clean so she said it's better if I come another day, I said I could just come and help with everything. But she didn't want help and usually don't want me to do things in their home. She said that people don't know how she want it to be done anyways so she thinks it's easier to do it herself. I often feel like I should give gifts when I don't even want to and that makes me do it out of guilt. I have tried to just stop giving gifts when I think I should so that it can happen effortlessly when I actually want to give. I probably didn't want to help them in the house and I don't even feel connected to her, I just tried to stop being isolated.

I thought that maybe it was because I used my sisters conditioner at her place earlier this week. I needed it but I felt so much guilt when I told her afterwards. Or maybe that I ate some food from them without asking? I mostly buy all my own food wherever I am and I feel guilt about being given food even though I sometimes just want to take it. I left food for her and felt less guilt. I was stealing things as a teen when shopping with friends or buying food. Somehow it shifted to the opposite where I feel a lot of guilt about being given things or any kind of help, so I'm often asking if I'm actually allowed to have small things or help because I don't think I deserve it. I think I still have some kind of belief that wants me to just take sometimes even though I don't take it.

You just mean there's no me? Or that there's something wrong with me

There was two men stealing stuff in the basement at midnight. They knocked on every door to check if anyone was home. I didn't open the door or let them know I'm home because I was scared they would hurt me. I forgot to lock the door to the building but why did I attract this? 🤦🏻 I only have my bicycle downstairs, they didn't take anything from me, not sure what but it definitely looked like they had been there. This is just a big house with four apartments and there's only me and another lady here and she wasn't home. I'm so used to nothing happening on the countryside so I've not been good at locking the door, but the landlord had told us to lock the door when I moved in. Just before I moved in there was a girl that lived next to me that disappeared and stopped paying the rent for a long time. They said she went to the psych ward and last week her parents emptied the apartment.

I feel so much disappointment about today. Someone said there would be a gathering for midsummer, I asked when it would be and I asked about it in another chat as well and no one replied to me for several days until last night someone replied when it would be. I felt a lot of doubt about going, I wasn't sure if they even wanted me there and I felt a lot of fear that made me want to stay home even though I felt desperately lonely. Then when I thought I would go anyways I wasn't able to sleep so I feel too tired today. They even had an event that they didn't share with me and they said today that everyone's welcome. I really wanted to do something special for midsummer, I don't even care about traditions except for the food that I'm not even able to eat. I just want to have a good time with people and eat good food outside in the summer. I could do that another day, I just think it's too difficult to make friends and it feels too difficult to do anything I actually want. Maybe it's all my fault that I have just not aligned or focused enough on what I want.

Do you mean to read the same things every day? Does everyone actually want to work and have a dream job? Are you talking about me responding to you? Sometimes it feels better to not respond. It just feels like a lot of work to contact companies to ask if they need help when I don't know if they need it and that I might not even be qualified for it. It takes so much effort to pretend to be someone they like. There's a hotel close to me that is looking for extra help but I feel worry about their expectations on me.