noomii

Thanks. I have tried my best for a very long time with meditation and acknowledging emotions, especially with any thoughts about productivity and not being good enough. It feels bad to write this because it feels like I'm trying to prove my worth with what I do. I don't get what you mean with the guidence being clear the very first time, it doesn't seem like it for me.

Sleep, music, friends, nature. Being with no thoughts about what I should. Being completely free of suffering. Those questions made me realize how much I don't care about the job. I care about being present and express intuitively but I don't feel good about thinking it's something I do or should do. It's a part of the job to behave in a certain way, force a smile and be nice to everyone even though it's not what I want.

Could someone that doesn't believe they're not good enough still create the same situation where the people around say the same things I mentioned, but not believe what they say? Today I felt a fatigue I haven't felt in a long time

@Mandy @Phil Sorry for not responding. 🙂 I believed I don't have time to reply and that I experience difficulty with reading/understanding. Yes, sometimes I don't really know what to do with it other than writing it on the dream board. I often write down the same things like that in my notes, sometimes it feels too much. I saw that when I replied but there was still somehow thoughts trying to convince me it's still true. I don't feel inspired to use it now. I'm more focused on just inspecting direct experience & beliefs 😊 All three of my bosses have told me I'm too slow and that what I do is just not enough. Even when I've been working as quickly as I can and been aware of feeling as much as I can, he told me that I should be able to do it in even shorter time. I've been working quicker than the normal speed in other jobs I've had. They work at least 2x speed in hotel and restaurants here, I have to multitask a lot and do it all perfectly. I just feel so much worry and overwhelment doing it. I felt so much unworthiness or insecurity when he told me this, it felt so intense. I feel a lot of unworthiness about not being able to just let go and feel in alignment. I feel worry that the people who work here are talking negatively about me, because that's what most people here do about each other and the guests. He suggested I could work 15 hours per week for the rest of the time, instead of 30 hours like I do now. It felt like a relief because the night before I thought I can't take it anymore. I still feel worry about what they will think about my work and how I will feel. I'm wondering if the thoughts I experience about me not being good enough are just attracting more of the same thoughts (what the people are saying). That there's no people or separation. Two of the girls I live with also have a similiar experience as me, both of them burnt out around the same time as me five years ago. One of them don't work, she's just here to help sometimes and the other one only works a little. I frequently feel an urge to defend and explain myself so that they will stop judge me and instead tell me what I want to hear. Like really making it known to everyone that I'm a victim and they should show me sympathy. 🙂

@Phil thank you 🙂 I feel resistance about being aware of doubt everytime it comes up. It feels like I already have a huge pile of other things I expect myself to be aware of and it feels like I'm endlessly adding more things I believe I should do.

I don't like forcing myself to do any task that I don't want to do. I don't like the feeling of effort in any kind of work. I don't like feeling worry about what I'm expected to do. I don't like how most of my coworkers communicate. I don't like feeling exhausted at work. I want to feel free to do anything I want out of inspiration. I want effortlessness, ease, good feeling and relaxation. I want to travel, have fun and be more in nature. I want conscious relating & communication. I want to feel aligned with people around me. I want to feel energized.

I'm doing seasonal work that ends in october and I first thought that if I don't find anything better to do then I will continue working during the winter season. I no longer want to work here or in any restaurant or hotel. I have no idea about what to do or where to move. I feel a lot of worry about needing to figure it out when I just don't know. It just feels too difficult to plan ahead or figure out by thinking. It feels like I'm avoiding it all because maybe I feel overwhelment and doubt. I don't want to commit to a place for a longer time and be stuck where I don't want to be. I hate work so much, I feel so much pessismism about it. What I want to do has nothing to do with work but even those things feel too difficult. I haven't used my dream board for a while, I needed to remove everything and want to fill it up sometime. I get that doubt can be guidence, but I would like some more help and clarity on what the path of least resistance or easiest way to go is.

Is there a way to see that right now? Is it just about questioning and letting go of beliefs saying the opposite?

It makes sense. I guess it will get clearer if I let go of the thoughts about meditation 'outside' of the meditation practice too. I see how it could have a lot to do with the belief that I need to be improved or fixed. Thank you

What do you mean by world sphere? I haven't read about the spheres.

That's my current meditation, as well as deep breaths and being aware of other bodily sensations.

I return the attention to sensation 🤷‍♀️

These thoughts: "It's not working" "I can't relax" "I can't focus" "I need to focus more" "I don't know what practice is right for me" It just seems like it's not working and that I need to meditate several more hours for me to see the change I want to see. I compare myself to others and it just seems like I'm not experiencing most of the benefits that others seem to easily experience.

Hi! Feel free to write, thanks ❤️

I wish it was that easy