noomii

Thank you! @Phil 🙂 No Yes I don't know really. Yes. Hell yes, it resonates. I have thought about it but it really seems too good to be true. Doesn't really help to just say it and I forget about it when I'm consistently focused on all the ways I'm really flawed and how it's not possible to make it perfect. But I'm trying to question it more. It's how the thought feels like. I didn't mention it first but I'm avoiding two of my siblings too. It's not just resentment, I honestly don't feel like I want to be in contact with them. They both have a lot of anger issues, feels like I'm walking on eggshells around them and I believe I can't be honest with them. My sister is very good at starting conflicts with anyone she meets. Most of the time she seem to feel irritation, anger, revenge, hatred or rage. She doesn't seem to be aware of her own behaviour or take responsibility for it, she mostly blame others. It gets confusing when we meet at our parents place with her children. When she's here I only small talk with her and I'm taking distance, because I feel really drained whenever I'm in contact with her. Sometimes we have have been closer to each other but then I have taken distance again. I care about her children a lot and wish I could be there for them, they are going through a lot. But it seems like I need to accept that I can't be close to them if I don't want to be close to my sister. If this were just a friend of mine I think it would be a lot easier to just be honest about where I'm at and have clear boundaries, but I don't think I can be honest with her about this. I feel doubt about how to even act around her. I just want to feel really clear about what I want and where I stand for both myself and her (and my brother). I kind of derailed this thread but I wanted express this, sorry about that. If anyone wants to share advice about what's shared feel free to.

Sorry for any reactive response, for avoiding him when there is resentment and for sometimes being irresponsible. Sorry for moving back to them when my health was bad and staying even though none of us want me to be here. I think avoiding communication have sometimes been good when I have felt a lot of overwhelment. I feel irritation/anger about what he have said to me, that he don't understand me, that he don't want to understand, that it's my fault for creating the life I have. He don't seem to understand why I'm so unproductive or what's even going on inside. I want to let go of the beliefs about understanding and wanting to be understood. He's kind to me now but I feel resistant about it as there are thoughts saying he doesn't deserve forgiveness, like I'm giving him a free pass when I'm being nice back. I meant things that impact function in daily life a lot, like a lot of discordant emotions, physical/mental fatigue, digestive issues, eating disorders. Yes. Nothing? Maybe sometimes. I guess it's only possible if one acknowledge & allow what's felt? I think I feel a lot of disappointment about how my past turned out to be, I've thought it's regret and guilt, but maybe it is disappointment too. I think I'm many years behind in life and I believe I need to do all the things I want quickly to compensate for all the years.

I sometimes become a roomba when thinking of pros and cons, wanting to avoid making a mistake. Now it's more that I don't want to be a still roomba because I think that is the mistake

I have one but I don't often use it, I usually only feel like I have time for it when I'm in a good mood and feel inspired. Abraham Hicks have said "if it's not a hell yes, it's a hell no". Which resonates because it feels easy to follow if there is doubt felt, but I also feel doubt about that guidence. What are your thoughts on what she said? I find it kind of difficult to identify how disappointment feels like. I don't remember last time I've felt disappointment about someone, or maybe I haven't been aware of it. I think my parents feel a lot of disappointment about me. I have wanted to say I'm sorry for everything to my dad but I feel insecurity about being vulnerable with him and I don't remember last time I said I'm sorry to him. I feel worry that he might respond in a judgemental or righteous way giving me the impression that, yes, it is totally my fault. I haven't really acknowledged and let go of all of the resentment around this either. I think I should say I love you to him but it doesn't feel like I really mean it and that feels hard to say. With my mom it's easier because I have a habit of saying I'm sorry and I love you to her. I don't think I have been abused, other than maybe me and my brother being physically violent to each other when younger. It's been a lot of conflict at home, it seems like me and my siblings didn't learn much about forgiveness or resolving conflicts so there was a lot of "tension in the air" felt. My parents seemed to have experienced a worse childhood from what they have told me, meaning their parents were both much more physically/emotionally distant/unavailable and somewhat violent. My mom experience similiar problems as me but I seem to experience it in a much more intense way, maybe because it's all coming up and out here. Mom's not a daily drinker but she definitely cope with drinking. I've been wondering how it's even possible for my siblings to function and live a 'normal life', even though we probably inherited the same beliefs from our parents. I mean why did everything discordant happen to only me and not them. I probably wanted someone to be more present with me emotionally, to allow feeling and comfort me?... My dad is pretty emotionally unavailable and my mom seem to feel really distressed and defensive when I express myself emotionally (when it's not about her and when I'm wanting support). Probably have internalized all of the unworthiness etc. I have felt all of that but only noticed a little bit of them. Not sure, maybe that I'm a disappointment. That's not too personal. I had a baby-cry a few days ago and I cry pretty often about smaller things. I used to not cry for longer periods but that is no longer a problem. Why?

I feel irritation about you writing that for some reason, making me want to say I'm not like that at all. I feel overwhelment about all of this shit

So that I can feel good and avoid any discordant emotion about it

Why?

Ugh yeah I used to think a lot about "pros and cons" in the past regarding decisions but I think it makes me too focused on thoughts and believing there's a good/bad choice

I feel worry about how I think I need to apply for studies. The last day to apply is tomorrow for most but for some you have more time. I have an opportunity to get double support with money for one year, not needing to pay it back. But I won't get it if I decide to work, it's just support to get out of unemployment. I just don't know what I want to study. I don't think I'm capable to read much at all, but that can change. I have looked at more practical studies. I just feel worry that I will look back to this later and think I made a mistake to not apply for anything. I think I could look more for studies I want right now, but I just feel a lot of worry and effort about looking for what I want and applying for anything. I just want to avoid all of this because of how it feels, but I don't want to make a mistake. Is it better to not take action or make decisions when there is doubt or any discordant emotion? To instead focus on alignment, and to let what I want come effortlessly?

I had my first meeting since january today with my psychologist. I have repeated the same things and he asked the same things. I'm not sure if I want to see him but I don't know what to do if I wouldn't. I have had the worst period pain ever today, I felt so incredibly exhausted and didn't have appetite for dinner. I feel so incredibly isolated and misunderstood by people around me. I feel really stuck here and that things are not working for me. Seems kind of obvious that I need to relax and let go but it just doesn't work. I have also thought that my adrenals are stressed out from chelation, so I thought that's maybe why I feel the way I do and that I need to support them more.

Thanks! @Mandy

I don't feel like using the emotional scale anymore. It just feels like a burden everyday. It feels much easier to just acknowledge and allow emotions as they appear. I don't really understand fully why using the emotional scale is better than that, or if it is. Either way I don't seem to be feeling better no matter what I do. I feel kind of desperate wanting help. I don't know what to write, I just feel so much worry. I want to spend more time questioning thoughts but I feel so much worry and want to relax. I don't want work and effort. I don't know what to do. It feels difficult to even write on here because of feeling a lot of worry, breathing shallow and really not thinking clearly. Then I sit and ground myself over and over like now but that doesn't work.

Do you mean the belief behind the discordant thoughts could be "I can't" or "it's too difficult" ? Is that meant as a belief behind the thoughts? Not great. What comes up is that you have said that what doesn't feel great is not true. But just hearing that doesn't really change anything if I'm not questioning the belief

I don't think I'm going on a diet. I'm going to let go of the rules, tune into feeling and eat intuitively. I thought about making a list of foods that feel good that I can eat but honestly most food feel off or nauseous, I don't feel drawn to any food that I have in mind. First meal today I ate some meat with tomato sauce, mushrooms and carrots, broccoli, haricot verts, khol rabi, avocado. Khol rabi and avocado felt okay but I didn't feel drawn to it. Rest of it I felt nausea by. Meat felt heavy and I felt disgusted by it. Second meal I ate one brazil nut, one apple, a lot of dates and a little bit of carrots, broccoli, haricot verts. Brazil nut felt ok but not drawn to it. Apple felt nausea. Dates felt better than apple but then I felt pain from eating too much. The rest of the veggies I felt nausea. Not sure where to go from here. I think I'm going to pinterest or youtube for inspiration maybe.

I have felt so much nausea lately, I really need to change my diet again. I only ate one small meal yesterday, felt a lot of nausea while eating and then later right after I did the emotional scale stomach acid came up in my mouth. I don't think I can eat any fruits right now, at least not banana, orange, apples or dates. I think I'm going to do an anti-fungal diet, but I feel discouragement about it. From my experience it only worked while I was on it and it feels very challenging to exclude so much food from my diet. I get really confused by people's different opinions about what I should do to heal. If I just follow what feels good for me then it seems like anti-fungal diet is the closest to what fits me? I have been tempted to do the medical medium cleanse but I feel a lot of resistance about that.

Shame is a concept. It was insecurity that I tried to point to with the word shame. I don't know, I haven't tried what you said and I don't feel like it right now. I'm not sure. I have used the emotional scale daily since the last post. Not always the whole scale. A lot of frustration. But I'm trying to be more relaxed and I'm more open to letting go of the resistance to using it.

Because I haven't lived up to expectations and what I believe I should do, I feel ashamed to even share about it. Then I feel worry thinking I need to prove my worth with taking more action. Then I feel overwhelment and avoid action. Then the cycle repeats with guilt. I'm going to try out the emotional scale again

About what's said there it's guilt I think

Thanks 🙏

Sorry I don't know why I replied like that to the question. I don't know who is saying it or who the the thought is about. What I believe is me I guess No Unacknowledged thoughts? When I've used the scale I've been mindful of how these thoughts about the scale feels like. But I've not been relaxed, I've been tense, having tics and not still.

The one that is about. Have you been able to use it as a daily habit without feeling like it's full of effort? (Starting from the lower end of the scale and all the way up) Usually when I start a new habit I start with a very small step and slowly do more of it each day, which makes it feel easy as I get used to it. I have tried that with emotional scale but from what I remember it felt like a burden when doing that too.

I have given up on the emotional scale, it just takes so much effort to maintain it as a daily habit 😕 Also if one says "relax" while meditating (basic relaxation), isn't that just contributing to thought-activity? I have skipped that part.

I've been doing my body scan like the instruction that you shared. Maybe it's just about letting go of all these thoughts about meditation and feeling sensation.

She had gone to several different schools & trainings. I met her at a functional medicine clinic where they do comprehensive testing. The protocols she shared with me didn't work for me, I don't know if it means she was not worth working with.

🙏❤️ Would not say I'm quick to respond, definitely nothing personal 😂 I do body scan now, either the muscle don't relax or it tense up later again. I'm not trying to relax, I just let it happen naturally while I keep focus, but it doesn't. Sometimes when I try to have a very relaxed approach to meditation I focus a lot less because it seems like when I focus I tense up. Is it right to just go back to focus, to not care about any thoughts about relaxation/tension and just let the tension be? Instead of trying to relax?