noomii

I experience doubt about if I want to write here and what I even want to write. I want to avoid regret, guilt and insecurity after sharing. Feeling fatigue today and have not been doing much. I don't feel good about being alone again and feels like I'm back in mud pool that feels difficult to get out of. I've used Holy basil for over a week now but haven't noticed any difference that seem linked with the supplement. It's 750 mg per pill and some days I take 2250 mg. I don't know what to do now, I think there are a lot of things I should do but I feel very fatigued and I feel like focusing on what feels easy and good.

I feel so tired becasue I haven't slept much at all, maybe two hours. Felt a lot of ups and downs at this burn. Soooo much abundance of everything really. Feeling connected and disconnected. I received a massage TWICE from a massage therapist for like half an hour. Kind of unbelieveble to me how someone actually WANTS to freely massage me for so long. I felt sooo tense by the shoulders and she just hit the perfect spots. I feel maybe guilt or disappointment about how I binged on ketamine. I don't even like how it makes me feel but wanted to suppress how I felt. I cuddled with a couple that I felt safe with, but felt worry and noticed how my visuals of the people I looked at got scary. I observed emotions and thoughts and it passed eventually. Most times when using ketamine I've been pretty unresponsible and careless. I just want to see that I don't need drugs to feel happy and content, when I'm with people who is using.

I don't really get the attachment to family and worry about them dying, I wouldn't even want to be in contact with anyone in my family if we were not "family"

I feel so much fucking anger, revenge and irritation about what my dad says to me. In these moments I don't want to talk to him anymore, he's soon 70 so it's not much time left. When I'm forgiving and compassionate I feel worry almost everyday about my parents dying, like my mother have already had cancer once. Or just the other day feeling worry and praying that my dad and sister will be safe in the traffic. I will leave tomorrow anyways for some time so that's a relief.

I feel dissapointment about the lack of sleep this past week, especially for yesterday and today when I expected myself to feel good for christmas. I guess it's the thoughts about sleep that have felt bad, but it also seem like the lack of sleep caused the way I feel too. I have felt so incredibly stressed this week about things I need to get done, it has taken hours to fall asleep and I wake up too early because the body is so restless. I have done both breathwork & meditation everyday. I've been mindful and taking a lot of slow deep breaths during the day, but I've still felt incredibly stressed. Hopefully it will feel easier today, as I feel a bit calmer right now. I experienced a very intense dream last night. It seemed like I was completely trapped with no control. The visuals were really strange, no idea what it was, seemed like a human later. Felt a bit similiar to when friends have been over my body tickling me and not letting me go even though it's so painful I want to cry 😬 but it also felt like knifes on the sides of my ribcage. And when I resisted and tried to get away it felt like the knifes were pushing deeper into the body. Maybe not the same pain as a knife though. Then I realized there's no way out of this, I have to surrender. Then a man started raping me and I think I thought I just have to get along with it and pretend to like it, to not make the pain worse. At one point when I didn't resist I think I even liked it, lol.

I feel worry, sometimes overwhelment, about what I need to get done for next week. Apply for jobs. Look for new homes. Make a call. Prepare for meeting next week. Prepare food for Christmas eve. Clean. Prepare for a 4-day Burn new years celebration. It will be amazing 🙂 I will manage it, it just doesn't feel good at all and I'm extremely ineffective with so much discord and tension. I've not been so good with noticing emotions the last couple of days because I've been sitting all day ordering stuff online. Kind of letting the worry eat me alive. 🙂 I think I need to be more disciplined now with acknowledging any emotion or thought that comes up while I focus on these tasks. I have also ordered Holy Basil that comes next week that I've heard lots of good things about. I want to let go of all these thoughts about obligatons on christmas eve and around new year. It would also be great if I could get a lot of the things done before friday when my sister and her family comes. I think what I will focus on tonight is writing down a list of priorities and choose one thing to get done tonight. 🙂 I have also started to listen to affirmations now daily. This channel is great. https://youtube.com/@Ilivethelifeilove?si=b174lmWHkGkS59Fa

I remember dreaming last night that someone or something slit my throat open, so that what was inside started coming out and I tried to hold it back with my hand and asked for help from the people I was with, but I don't think I got a response. Seemed real and it felt very weird with the throat's insides coming out and I felt worry. I have a vague memory that I was physically hurt or sick in some other way too and that I was with a doctor. The throat is probably related to a recent situation with my parents where I felt irritation or anger.

Thanks. Sorry for not replying earlier. Yeah I think it was unworthiness felt. There's sometimes thoughts saying people don't actually want to help me and that I want too much attention and help. "I think I feel" - sneaky because there's no seperate self and no thinker who feels?

@Serenity You're doing so good! I want to be this effective too 😂🥲

To receive the insight or guidence from emotion, is it necessary to acknowledge how emotion feel or do you receive the same kind of emotional insight or guidence when you just focus on perception or sensation? Thanks for explaining the movie, I've seen both of them but it was many years ago so I barely remember anything of them 😂 I think I feel guilt when you reply much more than I've asked for. I don't want to take your help for granted at all, or even waste your time.

I have a meeting with my job coach next wednesday and I feel so much worry about what I expect myself to do until then. I've been encouraged to start study but it's not even possible for me with cognitive issues and not being able to read much. But it's been like that for three years already. I hope it changes sometime. Through this unemployment program I'm in, they offer to support me with money while I study, for one year. Education is mostly free where I live and you get supported with a small amount of money while you study but usually it's not enough. In my case they are offering me double that money, which is like $800 every month. If I would just choose to work now, then I would probably not get that opportunity later when I want to study. I don't know what I want to study anyways.

Is noticing a thought or focusing on perception just as effective in letting go as noticing an emotion?

What is it that you don't like about the people in Canada? Where in Europe does the guy live?

Yes it makes sense that it's just the thoughts about sleep that feel off. I feel maybe worry or overwhelment thinking I have a lot to do and that it's too much to sit down and try to point to a seperate self, so I haven't tried that. I have slept two nights this week without interrupting it. I didn't even go to the toilet for bladder issues at night, I felt like I needed to pee in the morning but I was able to fall asleep again. I think I slept almost 9 hours but I felt like I could've slept one extra hour because I felt so tired when waking up. I also don't feel as much pain in my ears during night and I don't cough as much. Empowerment have been on my dream board for a while. Thanks 🙂 I thought worry and fear impacted sleep, anxiety and tension the most, not anger etc.

I've had a high-grade fever and fatigue since friday, today I feel a bit better but I've felt tired. Third time I've had a fever in a month. I've been coughing until I vomit this morning. 😂 I met a doctor today and he prescribed me a cough medicine which is the same one that my dad have given me at home, that didn't even work, the doctor still gave it as it's the only one for this kind of cough apparently. I'm struggling a lot with anger, irritation and revenge about my parents. We have had so many small unnecessary conflicts this weekend. I have felt like saying the worst things to them. I want them to be wrong and I want to be right. Before last weekend I think I've been pretty good at acknowledging anger and irritation and I've been sitting in the same room as them more often when I eat and I have felt more ease when talking to them. I think this fever and lack of sleep threw me out of alignment so that's probably what made me more careless and reactive. Same for them it seems because of their fever. Or maybe it's just easy to blame fever and lack of sleep. I experience so much resistance about letting this go without getting to point out everything they do wrong. Forgiving might make me look as the one who did everything wrong. I hate that it seems like it's just me that have to change who I am and that they get to continue behaving how they want. I have already said sorry to my mom once for saying shit to her but that didn't really change much. Tomorrow is my birthday too, wow how well prepared I am with all of this resentment! 😂 I hope I can let go of this before tomorrow because if I hang onto this I might ruin the day for myself. I really just want to feel relaxed and good tomorrow. I think I'm going through the emotional scale before bed.

Do you mean express just for myself by journaling or emotional scale, or express it verbally when it's experienced in a conflict with someone else? I believe it's not a good idea to express how I feel to my parents specifically. Resentment is not an emotion right?

No. What comes to mind is that falling asleep maybe is like a surrender to your true nature?

I didn't sleep much last night. Woke up late and the cough is worse again and I feel like I have a cold. I feel so frustrated about how tense I am during and after meditation. I do concentration for 15 min and then 35 min body scan. I feel most tense by the eyes, jaw, shoulders (the left one is most tense), belly and pelvic muscle. 🤷‍♀️ it only relaxes for a short time and then they are tense again.

I think that's common. Milk is food for babies 😉

I didn't know about creatine. It seems more natural to me to just eat meat if the body truly needs creatine and if that's the only natural source of it. I think one needs to consult with a doctor before taking iron because it's not good to supplement too much of it either. I think that's what they call an anti-nutrient. I usually soak gluten-free grains, legumes and nuts over night and wash them off. If I remember it right that helps to remove the anti-nutrients, makes them easier to digest and helps the absorption of all the nutrients. I haven't tried that with oats but it might work. Being constantly bloated (looks like the early stages of pregnancy 🥲), constipation, gas, nausea, pain and emotional discord. Most of it, if not all of it, is emotional suppression I think. So far a vegan gluten free diet with no oil, eggs, dairy or soy have felt best but I just want to feel more free to eat what I want. It also feels like I'm creating unnecessary stress when I think about how I can't eat what I want and how I expect myself to feel a certain way if I eat things I believe I don't tolerate. I experience worry by writing about a diagnosis too, like it makes me keep believing in it by focusing on it.

That resonates. 🙂 I've read that it's important to get complete protein with all the essential amino acids. I guess that's one example of where maybe it's good to listen to what research says. Thanks for sharing!

I'm just trying to find what works for me, I just don't want to restrict my diet more than necessary. I stumbled over a youtube channel a while ago called Gut Feelings, a naturopath that is influenced by medical medium. She said that protein and fat are harder to digest than carbs, so she recommended to not eat too much of protein rich foods in one meal. So that's why I tried it. It might just seem like "low protein" to me because I compare it to when I ate high protein and low carb. I ate chocolate pancakes made from eggs, buckwheat with blueberries & honey on top today. Ugh. I used to eat a lot of it before I stopped with eggs. This time it was more obvious to me that it felt off, like a heavy tiredness. Probably the eggs.

I feel so much discouragement about how I never get my sleep right. I try to wake up earlier and go to sleep early but there's always something disturbing my sleep. This month I think I've had some kind of virus and not been able to sleep because of cough. I've taken oregano oil now for a few days and it has helped but I still cough a bit at night. I also get obsessively focused on swallowing because it seems like I have too much saliva, but I only get disturbed and focused on it during night and when meditating, right when I don't want to be focused on it. This didn't appear with the cough, I've felt disturbed by it for some time and it seems to come from anxiety. I've been waking up by noon many days. I have an alarm in the morning and I'm trying to get up earlier and get up even if I don't get much sleep, but I feel more anxious when I do that everyday. I think I'm sensitive to sleep disturbances due to imbalance in adrenal glands. I really crave sleeping as long as I want, but I also want to fall asleep latest at 10pm and wake up early, that's when I feel the best. I feel some worry about talking to my jobcoach tomorrow to follow up. I haven't been applying for jobs this month yet. I've only looked a bit on new places to live but haven't even decided where to go. So I don't know where to send applications. I just want to be honest with her but I feel so much guilt about letting her know I haven't moved forward or done anything productive since last time. It's kind of important to do what they say to get the money too. I really want to talk to someone about how I feel that I can be honest with, I've been so isolated.

I was thinking more about if it could affect your health negatively if eating low protein and low fat for many years.

What do you mean by lifestyle and why not? I haven't looked at what's eaten during the cleanse so I'm not trying to eat like that. Just the things you recommended, then I tried out less protein and focused more on the carbs to see how it felt. I eat gluten free oats. They seem to feel the same as the ones with gluten for me, not sure though. Well I ate Paleo diet before, and that felt better for me after feeling bad on a vegan diet for years, but when I was vegan at that time I ate some gluten, sugar, soy and didn't have much food that I tolerated. I started eating less meat not long ago just because I don't feel good about the thought of killing animals. I'm just confused about what to do if the candida symptoms come back again. I guess I could just go back to how I eat right now if that happens, but if it comes back easily then I don't think it was healed. I just want to resolve it once and for all. Especially for social events and holidays I just really want to be free of the symptoms of pain and emotional discord when eating. I don't really understand how to resolve the root cause when the candida was triggered by a medical supplement that I don't even take anymore. Also I read from Louise Hay: "Candida: Feeling very scattered. Lots of frustration and anger. Demanding and untrusting in relationships. Great takers." I don't think of myself as demanding or untrusting but I don't know, maybe others think so. There's a lot Medical Medium says that I don't resonate with either, especially not from hearing about how many people that have had a bad experience from the heavy metal detox, but I'm still open to try the other stuff some time.