noomii

I use Tamanu oil for my face right now, works well but I need more hydration for my dry skin than that. I've been using raw Shea butter for dry skin on hands & legs, but it doesn't really work for me because I have incredibly dry skin, it even hurts. I probably should change the soap I use at home too. If someone knows something else good for dry skin, I'd like to hear. I'm also looking for something that actually works for my hair. I prefer natural ingredients. My scalp is very dry and hair gets easily greasy so I need something mild & hydrating for the scalp. Most things I've used are drying out the scalp too much and I think the scalp is compensating with producing even more oil. I don't often do make-up, mostly for special occasions. I usually like eyeliner, dark eye-shadow or complementary colours that make my eyes shine green. I love glittery and shimmery stuff. I have loose biodegradable glitter that I use. Shimmery high-lighters and eye-shadows are pretty. I don't use foundation and stuff like that because I don't like how it feels on the skin, it's mostly that I like eye-makeup. Blush is pretty though.

Last night I dreamed that I was going to some place to adopt a dog. I thought I need to choose a dog that is easy to care for. I chose a blonde Labrador. We were walking on the streets in my home town and I realized I forgot to put the leash on the dog and worried it will run away so I put the leash on. Later I think we were in my old school for some reason and then later me and the dog were out in nature on top of a hill in a new country. I looked down on a big forest and I cried out of happiness. I thought "This is just what I wanted". Then suddenly I was aware of a very heavy discordant emotion and it was like a reminder that I still felt like shit and that I couldn't enjoy the moment. Maybe it was me trying to control what I feel (the Labrador), when really I can just let it be and it will guide me towards what I truly want. 😊 I don't want a dog like in the dream though.

I've been in a program for soon a year where I've been helping out a place for 2-4 hours per day and continued to live on social benefits. I've been able to take a lot of breaks during those hours because of fatigue. Initially this program was only for six months. They just extended it because they want me to get up to full-time (but really I'm allowed to listen to my body the whole time and just work as much as I can when I'm there). A while ago they extended it until April and said that they maybe will extend it three more months after that. If they wouldn't I would most likely keep on getting money from them while applying for a job so that's why I haven't stressed too much about what to do next month (or really I've just taken that support for granted). But if I don't move somewhere new then I will probably have to take a job where I live and I really don't want to stay in this area & I don't want to stay with my parents. I really created an unnecessary heavy burden (for me & them) when I moved to them. It would be a lot easier for me to heal & forgive if we only met once in awhile. No idea how I would be able to have a full time job when I'm out of breath from riding my bicycle for ten minutes. What I really want to do right now is traveling and to move away from my country. I also feel like I'm not ready for it. I don't even have a plan at all about what I want to be working with and I'm not able to focus on any studies until I function again. I don't have a plan for what to do at all for the time that is coming. I have nothing fun planned to look forward to either, other than what's on my Dream board. It feels so difficult to plan and finish simple tasks when I experience so much brainfog and ruminate/over-think very easily. I struggle a lot with all mental activities like reading/listening etc. I experience overwhelm or worry just thinking about what I should get done. It's like I've been in almost constant unconscious avoidance about everything that needs to be done. This happens even when it's about fun things I want to do. When I do focus on something small it seems like it takes up the space of the entire day. I've been extremely unproductive and I also see myself as lazy. I hate working with things I don't like & I fear responsibility. I focus on the emotional scale now every morning (I don't always do the whole scale). I meditate. I have a dreamboard, I recently removed everything on it, I started writing down what I want to experience before 'I die'. And on the right side I have started writing down things I want to get done and to the left small steps to take. I try to take small steps everyday and complete tasks with a timer to keep focus, it's not really working like I want it to but I try. Idk what advice I'm even looking for. It felt good to get it off my chest & express. It seems like it's 'just' about letting go of thoughts and get back to focus on what I need to do but it feels so difficult. What feels most difficult is to read/listen & figure out/solve/make up a plan about what I need to do next in life when there's so much thought-activity involved. 🤮

@Mandy @Phil Thank you for your replies. I will need some time to read it through & let it sink in. ❤ That's funny cause the night before your reply, I was skiing on top of a hill too, in my dream. I was skiing down the hill and felt excitement about what was coming. Then it went fast and I saw a river down the hill. I thought it probably have strong currents & deep water so I would die if I would fall into the water. Something stopped me right in front of the river. The river looked very still or frozen. I tried to get up again to the hill but there was a big wall in front of me and large amounts of snow from the hill were falling on the wall. I worried that the wall would break because then the snow would push me into the river. I saw another person beside me but they passed out and fell into the river. Later I managed to get through with force where it was open in the wall and I avoided the snow mass. I arrived at a place where there were people baking bread. They were talking badly about people who eat in a different way like me, I felt irritated by them. 😂 My interpretation for this is that I was looking forward to do something I want this weekend and I really wanted to avoid being alone. I had options but none of it felt right & I felt doubt. I ended up being at home, so I'm in the 'river' right now. It has felt like I've been forced to be alone so often and not experiencing other things I want because there is something I try to avoid emotionally. I'm not planning on forcing myself through the wall or snow masses like in the dream, I want alignment. It also feels bad expecting myself to feel in "alignment", what if I don't live up to my expectations and mess up everything? Most of the time I just experience resistance. At least I can focus on being loving no matter how it feels. Even expecting myself to be loving feels off. I just want to be myself with no thought!

I struggle a lot with doubt when needing to make decisions. There's a lot of fear about ‘doing wrong’ because of the guilt and even more doubt that can come with it. I see that the guidence is found in Feeling. I'm just wondering what to do when faced with a decision and needing to decide FAST? When there's no clarity about what I want? It's not always I listen to the doubt deep enough to see clearly either. The pressure that comes with thinking "I have to decide quickly" definitely makes it worse. I often have in mind something I read about how to trust intuition, when doubt is experienced & it's difficult to trust it. "When it's a yes, nothing can stop you. When you're unsure, it's always a no". So when in doubt, go without. I don't really follow that at all times, as I doubt if that's a good idea, I would say No to a lot with that. I would like to hear your thoughts about this. I don't see yet how I can't do anything wrong and that there's not a seperate self making a decision.

I still ruminate very often daily after all that meditation. 🙂

I feel so frustrated. I just want to be a child, why is it so difficult to let go of thoughts? I'm meditating for fucking 50 minutes everyday and 30 minutes more later in the day. Some people seem to feel better from 15 min???? That's INSANE.

I feel awful because there's so much that wants to be released emotionally. It is so exhausting that I don't get the sleep I need when I feel like this. 😩 There's so much doubt about what I even need to do to heal the quickest. What if I'm missing out on some knowledge? Or some practice that I don't know about or haven't been enough openminded to try?

There's no one thinking they do or don't trust. Trust is just a thought and nothing anyone actually do, so it's nothing or just being, not even that because that's just thoughts? Believing all is well are just thoughts too.

Believing it's all well as it is?

Letting go of thought, feeling good & relaxed.

That's what I usually do.

On my own behalf, all I've shared on this forum is my own experience. What made you think it was someone else?

No, blood test is not enough. I'm following Andy Cutler's protocol. People usually do hair test but I didn't do it because it's not fully accurate. What they say confirms toxicity is if I react in any way to ALA & DMSA in the protocol, I do react a lot and have been following this protocol for a few months. Main sources most likely are from my mother's womb (she have amalgams), from a lot of vaccines, food & water. Other than that idk, could be from anywhere. Apparently some people have a gene that makes the body detoxify a lot slower than others. That I'm a seperate self with a body that has heavy metals in it and how some symptoms are caused by heavy metals. I can't discern what symptoms are caused by heavy metals or just me focused on crappy beliefs. Other than how I react when detoxing. I don't know if the lack of progress I experience with well being is because of heavy metals or if it's just conditioning/beliefs. I would like to know when it's right to completely let go of a condition & focus on what I want instead and when it's good to focus on looking for a material solutions. Seems obvious to me that a material solution is needed for heavy metals. But I also got a SIBO & dysbiosis diagnosis from a holistic nutritionist, because it's less 'serious', I care less & I'd rather just let go of that completely. Feeling better and letting go of thought, at least that's what I want. 😊

That Malachite didn't even feel good, it wasn't for me. 😂 What kind of angel was that, sending me shit. Oops I mean thanks Mum. 💚 A lot of crystals don't even resonate with me, some make me feel anxious. Sometimes some of my crystals feel good, right now none of them feel good. Hope Malachite resonates with you 😊

Why did you say less about aligning spins? How am I creating "Heavy metal toxicity"? It is said I have it & doing a treatment for it that will most likely take 2+ years with detox every other week. I don't really know how to relate to that spiritually. Can I just drop the beliefs and trust I am healthy without any treatments? Well it still seems like I'm meditating wrong when I'm not relaxing or feeling better from it. I guess I should just ignore those thoughts and go back to focus. 🙄 Why does it seem like some people benefit from "Do nothing-meditation" and others not? Apologies if I make some wild misinterpretations, it wasn't so easy to digest the wall of text. 😄 Thank you.

That I'm being guided to love. Feels like a child's trust in a parent, I'm being taken care of & guided back home. 💚 Reading about Malachite it sounds like it's for me too. I just need to give it a cleanse because my mother have used it. ☺

I've seen a lot of green light in the visual field the past weeks which I assume is connected to an angel. Today I also received a Malachite crystal from my mother that is green. I've wondered if it's some sign or connection to something, might also be just me making it up because I wish it was someone guiding me. 😂

I feel almost too tired to write but I really want expression so I'm trying anyways. I feel a lot of worry & fear every night. My experience usually feels unreal. I hate to have so much thoughts about not wanting to live. Always feels like I'm never really living fully because I feel so much fear. I could write a whole book with just negative thoughts. There's just so much I want to express but it just takes so much energy to write. I wish I had a person that I could just verbally vent everything I feel carelessly to but that's not so kind.

One of my wisdom teeth were growing in the wrong direction towards the tooth beside it. They removed it otherwise it would've caused problems.

Try Magnesium and Zinc. Magnesium citrate and Zinc citrate or Zinc Picolinate are easiest for the body to absorb. Just be aware taking high doses constantly long-term can cause mineral imbalance in the body with Magnesium/calcium & zinc/coppar. Nonetheless Magnesium & Zinc are super helpful minerals. Take before going to bed when period is expected. Eat more food rich in these too. Also when feeling pain try out a warm bath with Epsom salt. A microwavable wheat bag is also helpful for relaxing the muscles, supercomfy when going to sleep. ❤

Allowing myself to express freely. Editing- & judging less. 27/1 I feel doubt about what to do. I procrastinate a lot, there's a lot of thoughts and hours pass by so quickly. I've been mindful of what I feel. Tried to do the emotional scale earlier but it felt too heavy. I did go from discouragement to blame though and the blame felt really good. I was blaming the one creating suffering lol. One habit I've been trying to do almost everyday now is questioning thoughts. I've started to do it for a shorter time because I feel so tired when doing it. Maybe it's better to do it just once in a while for a longer duration to really go deep into it, idk. I feel tense and a bit stressed writing this. Feel stressed about wanting to write what I want before my focus/head feels like mashed potatoes. I feel stressed thinking I need to be productive before I go to bed. I'm not even productive I'm just ruminating. I want to be free and have fun. I want to deeply relax and I want deep sleep 😤😭 I want to connect with friends tomorrow, cuddle & be out in nature. I want to do something fun & crazy too, I don't know yet what that is. I just want something very scary, new, stimulating, very exciting & joyful. I feel extremely understimulated. I might as well make a list of things I find scary and just do it all. ❤ 28/1 I feel stressed and I don't know what to do. I'm sitting by the stove as I just made up some fire. Very scattered in thought and hours pass by so quickly it seems without me being productive. I just did the emotional scale and went the whole way up. I think I should just bask in this everyday. - I feel tense as fuck in the body and I don't know what to do. I've isolated so much, not because I want to. It just always seems like I need to put in so much effort to get anything I truly want and the more I try the more it seems like it's kept away from me. I hate it. So I've tried to stop trying to see where I end up & to feel whatever comes up. And here I am. I feel awful, grief, guilt & powerlessness. Feels like I've failed with this day and I feel incredibly alone. I feel annoyed by how I write too, makes me cringe. I think what feels bad are the thoughts about how I believe people will perceive how I write.

They change, I see 1 am and 6 pm.

@Phil I was reading the thread above and I would like to hear about what my chakras look like too & if anything comes to mind with it for you 🙂 Are you able to see what's going on in other bodies (other than chakras) like the medical doctor/energy practitioner you mentioned in that thread? Also a question about meditation. I feel frustrated not knowing if I'm doing anything right because of lack of results. I've been trying to just let go of effort and be gentle when meditating. Everytime I gently focus I feel tense by the eyes/forehead and everytime that happens I've allowed myself to relax. But when I allow relaxation I stop focusing for a bit and it just seems like I'm not focusing enough when I have this relaxed approach. When I try another approach with the intention to maintain gentle focus on the breath no matter what, then there's just tension building up and I don't feel relaxed after meditation. Do you see what I do wrong?

Happy holidays! Holy days 😊 ❤🧡💛💚💙💜