noomii

@Phil I was reading the thread above and I would like to hear about what my chakras look like too & if anything comes to mind with it for you 🙂 Are you able to see what's going on in other bodies (other than chakras) like the medical doctor/energy practitioner you mentioned in that thread? Also a question about meditation. I feel frustrated not knowing if I'm doing anything right because of lack of results. I've been trying to just let go of effort and be gentle when meditating. Everytime I gently focus I feel tense by the eyes/forehead and everytime that happens I've allowed myself to relax. But when I allow relaxation I stop focusing for a bit and it just seems like I'm not focusing enough when I have this relaxed approach. When I try another approach with the intention to maintain gentle focus on the breath no matter what, then there's just tension building up and I don't feel relaxed after meditation. Do you see what I do wrong?

Happy holidays! Holy days 😊 ❤🧡💛💚💙💜

So no one knows and no person is experiencing, there's just perception & sensation? Makes sense. 🙂 I did see a lot of green, purple & indigo earlier when meditating and doing the emotional scale. Green & purple was over the face. Indigo was moving around by the third eye. I realized when reading your reply that when I saw the blue colour the other night it appeared at the same time as I felt that I really wanted to express how I felt verbally but I didn't. The blue colour looked kinda like electricity or small pieces moving connected to each other like a ball. I saw it close to the throat. Maybe that was the throat chakra. I haven't really payed much attention to this before. I have often thought that if I see colours or patterns that it's probably just something with the eyes or drugs. What do you think the white light is? In what way have you connected more with the colours? Is it beneficial to just be more mindful of colours? I don't really understand what to do with it, other than just seeing and enjoying it 😄❤

@Phil How does one know if one is experiencing angels? Maybe labels or reading about what's experienced can distract oneself from the actual experience. I daily see white light moving around in darkness. Usually shaped with wings. Sometimes blue or violet appears in other shapes. I've never thought of it to be something until others have told me colours can be signs of angels. It doesn't make me feel differently, it's just there.

Sorry I misread.. that's why I asked for exact time for saturday.🤦‍♀️

Sorry I was sarcastic lol. I don't like doubt. But it feels okay when it's allowed. 🙂 Atleast one part of it are discordant thoughts that feel heavy and it gets in the way of everything I'm doing. I don't feel relief from meditation or whatever it is I'm doing.

Will try to make it saturday, might miss it though. At what time?

@Phil US eastern time afternoon, right? Sounds good. 🙂

I want to release doubt so that I can express myself in writing more freely. I feel blocked. Repeating the same thoughts and not much comes up even though I want to express more. I would write more if I wasn't feeling fatigue too. Clearly I need to pay more attention to what I feel when I journal. I've thought there's something wrong with the way I write, but the way I write now feels like the easiest way for me.

I write a lot more when journaling knowing others read it and I get a lot more insights when doing it. When I journal for myself I usually write the same things almost all the time and a lot shorter. My favourite is "I don't know what to do, I feel doubt". Usually it ends with me writing what I want. I just write effortlessly what feels most alive in me in the moment but it's kinda like an echo and I stop writing when it feels like effort. I don't journal as often as I'd like to because of this. Is the only way to change the content in my journal to let the emotions go or use emotional scale? I could use effort writing differently, but I would like it to feel effortless and intuitive.

Dreamboard "Not anything about ‘you’ - what you want." @Phil You said the above about what to write on it. I noticed I sometimes want to write "to experience" or "be surrounded by". Or "I want". Isn't that about me? What do you mean with "not anything about you"?

I would like to join too. Probably just listening. Afternoon/evening works for me in central europe time zone. 🙂

I will try this out, thanks. I've had this in mind but it sounds much more simple when someone else suggest it to me. Enjoying intentionally sounds great. When I do stuff for enjoyment I usually think I should be doing something more productive, really just wasting the time I could enjoy focused on thoughts that don't feel good. I just wish all of this was allowed to happen naturally, not needing to set out a timer for enjoyment or relaxation. Yeah. I wish I felt aligned with work.

I postpone doing a lot of things all the time. I feel so stagnant and resistant. I even thought about not writing this because I feel a headache, it feels difficult to focus writing/reading and it feels difficult with emotions. And I'm thinking about other stuff that is more urgent to do. That's how it feels when I try to do most things almost all the time. I struggle with reading shorter sentences and listening for a short time. I struggle with answering people's simple messages. I've forced myself to do things anyways and be with the emotions and to focus on what I do despite the pressure that I experience over the whole forehead. It just doesnt feel good and I dont get much done. I've managed to force myself doing smaller things that people do everyday and it feels like 'swimming upstream'. Doing more complex things or planning I just feel overwhelm and I can't think about the task anymore, because there is no clarity in thought at all, it is just fog. Because I can't learn new things easily as I want to I worry about how I might miss out on knowledge necessary for my growth or that I'm not understanding things/not enough openminded. I have a more relaxed and gentle approach when meditating so it's better but I still feel a bit tense when I've finished meditating. I do 15 min concentration too everyday, feels alright, only gives a small difference with focus during the day. A counselor told me two weeks ago to make a schedule every night for the upcoming day including a time frame and everytime I need rest/enjoyment. I've tried but it did not work well because of the over thinking/emotions, lol. I've been doing my own lists before she told me that too but I've not included a time frame or rest and it never really work as I want it to. I don't often allow myself to do things out of pure enjoyment because I fear being unproductive. I can really feel the lack of it. I finally got a dreamboard a few weeks ago. But I've not spent so much time with it because of some confusion but I might make another thread for it. Reading it, I actually have experienced some things I've written on it. But yeah very simple things. I've shared the same struggles here before several times, I feel so stuck.

I'm not actually shooting myself in the foot btw. ☺

Still confused about why I've been continuing to shoot myself in the foot despite listening to emotions and when I've been seeing for so long that these thoughts/this behaviour is hurting me. I've been aware that there's a lot of unworthiness and guilt that I've been trying to avoid. Might be that I'm always so quick to avoid it and cope with it by doing things that I think I should (thinking it will make me worthy and feel good). Then I'm always feeling stressed (what emotion is stress? worry? Not sure) and maybe I'm too focused on trying to let go of that same stress, missing out on what is calling for my attention even more. Usually guilt is quiet and it comes up very often for me so it might be easy to miss. I could question the thoughts with Byron Katies The work, but it doesn't feel good to do it right now. Feels like I've been putting in so much effort to listen to the guidence for so long. I've also tried to be aware of the pay-offs I get from this behaviour. Right now I'm really trying to slow down and listen to unworthiness & guilt because something is really yelling at me saying "STOP!!!!".

This journal was named dreaming. It's just me dreaming & expressing all of life. So it's not a journal for only night dreams or desires, I'm just expressing whatever. Here comes a dream I had last night. I was walking by a school where my father used to work. I ate some blueberries that were growing there and thought I shouldn't be eating them because it's too close to where dogs and humans walk by. I slipped on some mud on the ground and held on to a big wall of rock. I was hanging there, feeling anxious and on my right hand I saw I had lost my pinky finger. It was kind of just like a hole there on my hand 😂 It didn't hurt but I felt anxious when I saw it. By the school I saw a little girl sitting in a car without roof. Her father was walking a head of the car downhill. It looked like he wanted her to drive downhill to him and the father was walking ahead not looking at how it went for her. I walked behind that little girl and I jumped into the car when it started driving. Then I tried to stop the car, there were two buttons but I pushed the wrong one so many times. Then we it rolled down very fast out on the road. Luckily no cars were there. Later I noticed it was the other button I needed to use to stop it. Then I drove back and there was a car coming on the road but we didn't crash but it was close. I drove her to her father while that little girl lied down in the car, the car was moving a lot, but she seemed to feel safe and happy. The girl in that car is probably a symbol for my inner child/me. I feel so exhausted. I feel too tired to write more than this. I've even had a break not even used the computer for hours but it still feels like too much effort to focus on writing/reading.

Yes people with high levels of it are definitely more sensitive. I've not yet understood at what point someone is considered "toxic". As cilantro function in the same way with anyone that has mercury, I thought detoxing with cilantro was not recommended for anyone with mercury (not talking about eating small amounts now and then). Maybe it is a good chelator for some people after all. Only direct experience can tell and I do resonate with listening to feeling too. ☺ For me it feels good to know how I can do it safely and that it actually works the way I want it to, to keep feeling good. What made me feel skeptical about cilantro is this: "Cilantro is a natural chelator that can pass the blood / brain barrier, but it is typically not used on a frequent low dose schedule. That means it will pick up mercury, move it into your brain, and drop it there as it expires in the body. This problem could be avoided if it was taken on it’s half life, but the half life is not known, and the method by which cilantro chelates mercury is also unknown. Potency will also vary from plant to plant." I'm supposed to use a dose of ALA and DMSA where I have minimal side effects. When I experience no side effects at all at that dose including off round, I can try out a higher dose. If I take too high of a dose I can cause damage and the whole process can take a lot longer. Btw sorry this was off-topic from what this thread was about. 😄

Maybe depends on how much heavy metals that are already accumulated. Some people seem to not get a noticeable reaction, despite the amount of heavy metals. I read about someone feeling good juicing it everyday for months and then later on having a horrible reaction. The experiences I've read is from a chelation group so I guess most have high levels of heavy metals too. Cilantro still function in the same way with heavy metals, even when there's no noticable reaction. I'm in the middle of learning about this myself so I may be wrong. One problem with cilantro is that it has no known half-life. The substances I use are dosed at it's half life to minimize redistribution. I've started at a very low dose, dosing every 4 hours for 3-4 days. Felt like a hungover sloth for two days when I stopped. When I'm able to take the highest dosage with no negative/positive reaction to it, then I know I'm finished. Any reaction to it shows there's heavy metals

Thank you. :) Looks like it was made for me lol. Will try it out soon.

I feel so alone, isolated and I feel like I'm failing so much at aligning myself & doing things I truly want. Feels like weeks, months pass by so quickly with very little change. Feels like everything takes too much time to do, that I don't have time for doing what I want. Creating things I truly want to do doesn't work with action most of the time. Seems like people I want to be with and connect with are being hidden from me most times when I try to find them. Feel guilty because I spent this day daydreaming nonsense, not doing things I want.

Unfortunately it's not possible to detox heavy metals safely with cilantro. It only causes redistribution of heavy metals, moving around the heavy metals in the body causing more damage, without successfully removing it from the body. Another thing not to use is Chlorella. It also just moves around heavy metals in the body, causing more damage without moving it out of the body. These have made many people feel much worse. I don't know about the other stuff he mentions in the recipe but I would be cautious before using it. Spirulina and other stuff from the sea are often contaminated with heavy metals too, as you may know. I recommend reading Andy cutler's "Detoxification Manual" for safe chelation. I just finished my first round today. 😄 But during this whole time I also eat a bunch of added supplements to support and protect the body from further damage.

1. No 2. Not coffee. I can drink green tea or eat cacao but I avoid it in the evening to be able to sleep

I was more gentle & relaxed this morning. It felt more like resting & not so much tension. I was not as focused as I expected myself to be. Maybe the tension I've experienced when meditating is because I've tried to control the experience. Yes I've thought about that the only way is to let go of wanting to be understood, yet I've kept thinking about it, probably because it feels satisfying for a separate self to be misunderstood & a victim lol. Sorry I could've said this in a different way, all are not the same lol. I just thought about how the help available & free/cheap in my experience have felt limited & simply not enough. But sometimes it feels good to just have a therapist or anyone that can listen & sometimes that is enough. Do you mean connection = love? It doesn't feel so easy to be supportive and understanding of people who are close to me when I don't feel good. I'm mostly focused on taking care of myself first & to not take out what I feel on others. In a sense that's me being supportive. That's why it's amazing that there's people like you Phil, giving sessions. 😊 And yes the help available (outside of your sessions) are what's appropriate for me. They might not be able to help with getting to the root of problems but it might be just enough in the heat of the moment.