blessed journal

[Blessed2]

Day 5.

 

3 x 20 minutes done.

[Blessed2]

Day 6!

 

Again 3 x 20 minutes. 🙂

 

It's starting to get "easier". It feels good to meditate three times a day. It kind of spreads the mindfulness for the whole day.

 

 

A little bit of impatience though.

 

When is it going to happen? When will the big results come?

 

When will I finally start to align with the dream life?

 

Can't wait.

 

And I bash myself for not doing the scale or meditating for every second of the day. I bash myself for compulsion, following urges.

 

Cause if I follow them, the alignment isn't coming any faster. I'm not doing anything towards it.

 

I am experiencing the emotion impatience.

 

Pessimism?

 

Yes. That I'm wasting time. Not doing what I'm supposed to do. That life isn't what I would like it to be. And that it isn't going to change soon. That life isn't now what I want.

 

I am experiencing the emotion pessimism.

 

Boredom?

 

Yes, I am experiencing the emotion boredom.

 

Contentment?

 

I am experiencing the emotion contentment.

 

I am experiencing the emotion hopefulness.

 

I am experiencing the emotion optimism.

 

I am experiencing the emotion eagerness.

 

I am experiencing the emotion passion.

 

I am experiencing the emotion joy.

 

 

Edited January 31 by Blessed2

[Blessed2]

Tomorrow 3 x 25 minutes. 😏

 

And the scale at least two times.

[Blessed2]

Day 7. Forgot to journal it yesterday.

 

2 x 25 minutes.

[Blessed2]

Day 8.

 

1 x 25min

1 x 15min

1 x 10min

 

[Blessed2]

Day 9.

 

2 x 25 min.

[Blessed2]

Day 10.

 

Three 25 minute sessions is appears to be a bit of a challenge. It's weird how much that 5 minutes changes the interpretation. 20 minutes, not that bad. 25 minutes, hard.

 

2 sessions are done already. Third one, maybe. Not sure if it's any useful to push myself, to put in effort though. Is it?

 

Meditation points to letting go thoughts about effort and results.

 

But is it good to put in effort... With the result of letting those thoughts go as the goal? 😁

 

In the past three days or so there has been suppressing emotions.

 

It's quite hard to even open this journal and write about it.

 

Don't see how I could feel better today.

 

Don't really even want to journal about it.

 

Don't want to utilize the scale.

 

Not even sure what's the emotion that's being experienced.

 

The interpretation is that of effort. Not suppressing, but "doing the right thing" (what's suggested on this forum) seems like it requires effort, work and motivation.

 

"I don't have the power to do that. I can't succeed."

 

So the emotion I'm experiencing is powerlessness and despair.

 

When I don't do the right thing, but continue to suppress, when I don't finish the scale, the emotion that's experienced is guilt, insecurity and unworthiness.

 

Jealousy?

 

Yes. Some people are always feeling like I would like to feel. They feel amazing and I'm suffering.

 

Hatred/Rage?

 

How life is for me and how I feel right now, sucks. Yes, I'm experiencing hatred and rage.

 

Anger/Revenge?

 

Lots of people could be making this far easier to me. I am experiencing the emotion anger and revenge.

 

Discouragement?

 

Oh yeah. I really don't want to do this scale. Life really isn't working out. Today will not be a good day. I'm experiencing the emotion discouragement.

 

Blame?

 

Yes, people could help me a lot. Some people could probably fix it for me pretty much by snapping their fingers. I am experiencing the emotion blame.

 

Worry?

 

Yes. How will my money situation be? Will I get through this spring?

 

What if I'll get really sick tomorrow?

 

I am experiencing the emotion worry.

 

Doubt?

 

I don't think I can do this, stop suppressing etc. I don't think I have it in me, to make these coming days great.

I am experiencing the emotion doubt.

 

Disappointment?

 

I'm still not feeling great. Life isn't what I would like for it to be like. I am experiencing the emotion disappointment.

 

Overwhelment?

 

Yes, I am experiencing the emotion overwhelment. Every day is so hard. All this stress and worry.

 

Irritation/Impatience/Frustration?

 

Yes. The suggested methods are not working. I try them every day but there is no real change. I am experiencing the emotion frustration.

 

Pessimism?

 

Yes. The coming days are not going to be amazing. Same shit over and over. Can't even see how it could be different, how I could be having aligned thoughts and everything could be different. Don't see how today could be any better. It won't be. I am experiencing the emotion pessimism.

 

Boredom?

 

I am experiencing the emotion boredom.

 

Contentment?

 

Yeah, I'm experiencing the emotion contentment.

 

Hopefulness?

 

Yes, I'm experiencing the emotion hopefulness. Things can change. I can feel a little bit better.

 

Optimism?

 

Yes. I have been doing great with the meditation challenge. I am experiencing the emotion optimism.

 

Eagerness/Happiness?

 

I am experiencing the emotion eagerness.

 

Passion?

 

Yes, I'm experiencing the emotion passion.

 

Joy/Love/Appreciation?

 

I'm experiencing the emotion joy.

 

 

3 x 25 minutes done!

 

Edited February 3 by Blessed2

[Reena]

I wish I could slide a feather across your face.

 

[Blessed2]

1 hour ago, Reena said:

I wish I could slide a feather across your face.

 

 

Like the angel that you are. 😌

[Reena]

3 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:

 

Like the angel that you are. 😌

Yes softness of your heart.

 

[Blessed2]

Yesterday was Day 11.

 

2 x 20 minutes.

 

 

Past couple of days I've been drinking. It affects the meditation routine, rhythm and quality a lot.

 

I hoped that the meditation would have helped with the drinking problem, and I'm a bit disappointed that it hasn't ended yet.

 

Not sure how to seek help. Seeing a professional etc... I have done that in the past, and it wasn't really that helpful.

 

"Why I drink" is the same as before, pessimism. That today is pointless. There is nothing fun to do. Life isn't fun.

 

Those thoughts/beliefs are just so stuck. I notice that they start appearing, and I notice the urge/craving to drink. But I just can't get rid of them, or un-believe them.

 

Then it's this fight with the urge. I know I shouldn't drink, but the urge is so strong. I try to fight it, but it always seems to win.

 

It's such a horrible feeling when those thoughts arise.

 

Then the thought of just pushing through it, spending at least this day sober, feels so horrible. Pessimism / boredom.

 

The belief that today there just isn't anything fun, that just sitting, doing nothing, not drinking, is just empty of joy or enjoyment.

 

Pessimism, pessimism, pessimism, pessimism, pessimism

 

[Blessed2]

Day 12.

 

2 x 20 minutes.

[Blessed2]

Day 13.

 

2 x 20 minutes.

[Blessed2]

Today I almost drank again. I was ready to do it but hesitated for like 5 seconds and thought "you know what, let's see what the evening would be like if I don't". But in full honesty, I would probably have felt better if I had drank. Sad, I know right? Some fucked up shit.

 

A bit before that, while I was walking home, I actually cried a bit. It's such a hopeless trap, addiction. Kind of saw how fucked up and hopeless I am with it. Not just with it but with life in general. Had some thoughts about God. I thought God must not want me to suffer like this, but appears as if he's somehow incapable to make it stop. Like we humans are kind of all alone in this world. Helpless. That made me cry.

 

Though it felt good to cry and feel grief. Kind of a breath of fresh air when usually it's just despair and fear.

 

A bit later I thought about the word "ignorance". Like how The Buddha etc. use that word. Or say that enlightenment is the end of ignorance.

 

I thought, "I must be ignorant. This is what The Buddha is saying."

 

That felt a bit better. That maybe this world, life, all these troubles, are actually not really there. "Ignorance". Being totally, completely wrong about what's true and what's false. If this world, life, troubles are not really there, it means they have no function nor consequences. They're just not true. Not real.

 

 

It always unfolds kind of the same way. I drink, then have hungover. During the hungover I do not feel the craving to drink, and often it almost feels like I'm totally done with it and could easily quit for good. In some crazy way the hungover days can be better than a normal day. Cause there's no battle with the craving to drink.

 

But later, sometimes the same day, or maybe the next day or day after that, at some point a thought comes "it would feel good to drink today".

 

When that thought comes, almost every time it's over. Yes, there's battle, but pretty much every time I give up and drink. It's almost as if I have made the decision already when that thought comes. Days like today, when that thought comes but I manage to not drink, are rare.

 

That thought is then followed with comparing the thought of drinking vs. not drinking today. I visualize them. The thought of drinking feels better than not drinking. And it seems impossible that 'not drinking today' could feel better than drinking. Like there's nothing that could make me feel better than drinking. Cannot imagine how I could feel better sober.

 

Then it gets very messy. Racing thoughts. Battle. "It's not good to drink. I shouldn't." The subject kind of consumes my thoughts. It gets batshit. Like totally non-sensical.

 

I try and try to stop the thoughts. I try to figure it out. Thoughts about God, surrender, guilt, giving up, mindfulness, gurus, awakening etc etc. Trying to find anything to feel better and find anything to maybe get rid of the craving to drink.

 

Imagine sitting in a bus or a metro and being consumed like this. The tension in the body. Almost unaware of the surroundings and people around you.

 

Time goes by with this battle and racing thoughts, until I manage to not drink today, or I buy alcohol and drink.

 

If I drink, there's relief. Sweet relief. A god damn moment of peace. I can just be and scroll through the internet and not feel like shit. I'm not experiencing pessimism and boredom.

 

Anyone would probably drink like this if they had the same beliefs and thoughts about alcohol as I do.

 

But of course then I drink another, and another... Where the real relief is, is the next drink. The thought of even. That's why I feel better even before I start drinking, but have made the decision to drink. It might not be the substance that feels good, but the thought of drinking it. Not sure though if that's entirely accurate. Because how could that thought about drinking it feel good/better, if the substance didn't feel good a little bit? How could that belief have formed?

 

That's about how it looks like from my pov. That's addiction. Not very pretty. I am quite fucked up and helpless with it.

 

One interesting point is that during drinking / while drunk, it seems like I'm more open to seek help. Might even make such plans. But every time that happens, I remember / know that when I sober up, I won't be this open anymore and the thought of seeking help feels heavy. Like it requires ton of effort. And sometimes not acknowledging that I do need help. That's how I see it right now. I see that I do not want this and that this is addiction. But that I need / should seek professional help... That thought doesn't feel good, and would rather just get it done by myself. Belief that I can, somehow, maybe. But it hasn't worked so far.

 

Maybe also some fear that "what if even if I had professional help, it wouldn't work?" Maybe I'm kind of seeing it as the last resort. "I'll seek help when it has totally ruined something." That's not a good tactic.

 

To seek help etc... It seems so slow. Lots of effort. Willpower. Fighting. Work.

 

I don't want that. Not at all. That would feel so shitty. Thinking about that, a feeling surge through the body. Despair I think. Like life would be hell. If that was true, I could not do it, I just don't have the power. Powerlessness. And then guilt. That I shouldn't give up because of some effort and work, I should stop being such a comfort-seeking baby. And that it would be my fault if I failed because of this unwilligness to just push through the uncomfort.

 

I'd like to just something to suddenly "click" and be done with it, fast and easy.

 

 

Edited February 7 by Blessed2

[Blessed2]

Today I'm doing a bit more intense challenge. Basically, 2 hours of meditation (four 30 minute sessions), no mindless scrolling through social media, and only loophole shake for food.

 

1 hour of meditation is now done. 

 

There's quite intense craving to be online, eat pizza and drink.

 

I'm experiencing doubt whether I can pull this day off. I very much would like to give in to the cravings. I very much would like to just go out and do it.

 

Decided to pull out this journal though. Felt like journaling could maybe help.

 

Not sure what to journal though.

 

I often try to journal, to feel better. It rarely quite works though.

 

I'm kind of lost as to what exactly journal about, what to write.

 

 

I often kind of hope that there would be a specific thought or thing I'd write and that would release the uncomfortable emotion.

 

So I try to find the right thing to express.

 

It doesn't quite work, and then, despair, pessimism.

 

Anger, and blame. That Phil is suggesting journaling but doesn't quite tell me exactly how to do it, what exactly to write.

 

Kind of silly perhaps.

 

 

Maybe I'm taking it a bit too seriously. I mean the today's challenge.

 

It wasn't my idea, but my girlfriend's. She brought it up, and I was kinda just "okay, sure." It didn't come from me, so I figured maybe it's something the world is suggesting I give a try.

 

 

What exactly is the "fight" with "craving"? Let's examine, dissect, check direct experience.

 

First, what is craving?

 

Desire maybe.

 

In this case, it's the desire to eat pizza, drink and scroll through the internet.

 

What is that desire, really?

 

Direct experience...

 

Hmm.. Quite simply, it's a thought, or a visualization of doing those things, and the visualization feels good.

 

Also a thought/belief, "it would feel good to do those things."

 

Okay, so that's the craving. Visualization that feels good, and the belief that doing that thing would feel good. Or better than how I feel now.

 

How about the "fight" with the craving? What is that, really, in direct experience?

 

There's a belief that doing those things would be bad, and it's something that shouldn't be done.

 

So there is a desire, a judgement / belief about of the desire / the object of the desire, and a belief that that thing shouldn't be done.

 

"Doing that thing would feel good, but I should not do it."

 

So then it seems like I'm being deprived of good feeling.

 

And that not drinking, eating and scrolling the internet requires willpower.

 

"Not drinking requires willpower."

 

What is "willpower"?

 

Will + power.

 

"Will" would mean, a decision. A decision to not drink.

 

"Power". Strenght to hold onto that decision, even when giving up on it would mean feeling better.

 

 

Okay ugh I really don't feel like inspecting right now.

 

I'm just hoping that it would give some kind of a sudden insight to make "not drinking" feel better than "drinking".

 

Hoping hoping hoping constantly hoping.

 

It means doubt and pessimism.

 

"It's not going to happen."

 

"It will be the same tomorrow."

 

"Even if I get through this day, tomorrow will be same fighting."

 

"I will probably fail and give in to the craving today."

 

"If I give in, at least I tried."

 

 

There's a weird sense of acuteness to this. It probably sounds quite insane to an outsider. "Holy shit, it's just one day dude."

 

It's like I'm acutely battling demons that don't exist to anyone else. Hitting and kicking empty space life my life depends on it.

 

Journaling like crazy as if my life depends on it. Acute. Acute. Right now. Acute.

 

"Hanging by a thread."

 

 

[Blessed2]

Day 14.

 

4 x 30 minutes done.

 

Just had the last session and it fucking SUCKED.

 

Felt such intense hopelessness and despair.

 

I can't fucking believe this (yet I do actually). That being happy requires so much god damn work. Uncomfortable work.

 

It's like I'm in hell.

 

I can't do so much. I can't meditate so much. I cant journal so much. I can't do the scale. I can't fix the diet. I can't manifest my dreams.

 

I'm hopeless! I can't do this! It's not going to work!

 

How many years would I have to meditate every day until this shit is finally over?

 

 

Meditation and mindfulness should feel good, but it doesn't to me. So I must be doing something wrong.

 

You know what grinds my gears?? That this whole thing, end of suffering etc, is about acknowleding emotions, listening to the guidance etc.

 

But when I try to do that, I fucking can't. I try to acknowledge the guidance and I try to do the scale BUT IT DOESN'T FUCKING WORK. I CAN'T DO IT. I DON'T KNOW HOW.

 

Then they tell me it's just thought-attachment. Innocent. Ignorance.

 

SO DO I FUCKING JUST NEED TO WAIT UNTIL SOME GOD DAMN GOD OR DESTINY FINALLY MAKES IT SO THAT I ACKNOWLEDGE THE GUIDANCE???? I NEED TO WAIT UNTIL SUFFERING FINALLY ENDS BY SOME PRE-PLANNED DESTINY???

 

 

There's so much those fucking books that say you don't need to do anything for well-being and happiness.

 

Yeah fucking right. Fuck you. If I didn't do work, I would have drank today. I would drink over and over. I would ruin my life, and die of a heart attack or something.

 

That's often how I """justify""" drinking. "I don't need to put in effort, so that means I can just follow this urge and that's the right way to go."

 

The rest of today will suck. Tomorrow will suck. The whole week will suck. The whole month will suck. What I want isn't coming. And it's my fault. Cause I'm so afraid. I'm too afraid to get what I want. I'm stuck and I don't see a way out. I can't even imagine a way out.

 

I'm experiencing the emotion despair and powerlessness.

 

I'm experiencing the emotion guilt.

 

I'm experiencing the emotion jealousy.

 

I'm experiencing the emotion hatred and rage.

 

I'm experiencing the emotion anger and revenge.

 

I'm experiencing the emotion discouragement.

 

I'm experiencing the emotion blame.

 

I'm experiencing the emotion worry.

 

I'm experiencing the emotion doubt.

 

I'm experiencing the emotion disappointment.

 

I'm experiencing the emotion overwhelment.

 

I'm experiencing the emotion impatience and irritation and frustration.

 

I'm experiencing the emotion pessimism.

 

I'm experiencing the emotion boredom.

 

I'm experiencing the emotion contentment.

 

I'm experiencing the emotion hopefulness.

 

I'm experiencing the emotion optimism.

 

I'm experiencing the emotion eagerness.

 

I'm experiencing the emotion passion.

 

I'm experiencing the emotion joy.

 

 

[Blessed2]

Day 15! 🌞🌞

 

2 x 20 minutes done.

 

I actually pulled it through!

 

Here's some results I've noticed from daily meditation:

 

- When reading a book or listening to a video or reading a post on this forum etc... Insights & "actually hearing" what's being said happens more often. It "clicks" more often.

 

- There's less tendency to get into arguments (on this forum). Thoughts, projections etc. do arise, but isn't followed "through" as easily as before.

 

- Drinking is still going on, but expression and opening up with honesty is employed more swiftly and more often. The feeling of craving is met with increased mindfulness. 

 

- Alignment of thoughts with feeling is slightly more prominent.

 

- More willingness to take aligned action. "At least give it a try."

 

- The emotional scale resonates a bit more and is "easier" to utilize

 

- "The Path" resonates more. Four Noble Truths of The Buddha etc.

 

- New ideas and possibilities in regard to stuff like career, studies, work has been coming up.

 

- Generally, just more openness to life and well-being. Like for example, two weeks ago I would not have even considered that one day I could start running and maybe even run a marathon one day. But today I'm actually considering that! I'm actually experiencing aligned thoughts.

 

Overall, this meditation challenge was a great idea.

 

 

 

The next challenge is for 30 days. Starting tomorrow.

 

- At least two 20 minute meditation sessions per day.

 

- At least 20 push-ups every day, especially first thing in the morning. I know that's not much, but it's what I think I can commit to as of right now.

 

- Every saturday is a cleaning day. Maybe not the entire house, but at least one area / room.

 

- To add some fire to sobriety/health, I'll partake at least one Paul Hedderman Zoom call per week.

 

I'll keep journaling the progress every day in this journal.

 

Here's some other ideas I might try out during this challenge:

 

- Some form of fasting

- Mini "retreat" days (like yesterday)

- Seeing a therapist

- Other meditation techniques. Going through the list on AoB website.

 

 

The same goals apply to this challenge:

 

- Uncovering childlike joy and lightheartedness

- Letting go discordant thoughts/beliefs and experiencing relief and happiness

- Experiencing happiness in relationships

- Freedom from addictions, especially alcohol and unhealthy foods

- Healthy routine and sleep cycle, "getting out of the rut", clean home, steady living

- Physical health

- Taking action and responsibility in regard to studies / employment / money

- Connecting to the mystical Field / magic / conscious creation

- Liberation, enlightenment

 

And I'll also add

 

- Aligning thought with feeling (miracles)

- Insight into the actuality of the two spheres 

 

Edited February 9 by Blessed2

[Blessed2]

Day 1!

 

3 x 20 minutes done.

 

20 pushups done.

 

 

Today the meditations (the basic meditation technique) felt more enjoyable and easy.

 

Before I used to take it so seriously and tried to focus so intensely that it felt like work. I tried to focus with super intensity on the specific muscle group to relax.

 

Now I've allowed it (attention) to wander naturally over the entire body, though still keep doing the area by area relaxation. It's way more enjoyable and actually feels like calm mindfulness.

 

Tomorrow is a cleaning day. Experiencing some doubt and pessimism about that.

 

I can clean one area/room, but what about the entire apartment?

 

Cleaning is just so boring. And uncomfortable. There's so much I'd have to clean up tomorrow. I'm experiencing the overwhelment - pessimism axis.

 

Hmm. Especially irritation, impatience and frustration. Will I ever get it done?!

 

And even when I clean up, it'll get messy again!

 

And what's the point? My life won't be what I dream about even if the house is clean.

 

I'm experiencing the emotion pessimism.

 

I'm experiencing the emotion boredom.

 

I'm experiencing the emotion contentment.

 

I'm experiencing the emotion hopefulness.

 

I'm experiencing the emotion optimism!

 

I'm experiencing the emotion eagerness.

 

I'm experiencing the emotion passion.

 

I'm experiencing the emotion appreciation.

 

[Blessed2]

Day 2.

 

2 x 20 minutes done.

 

And a little (tiny) ab workout.

 

Cleaned the bathroom.

 

[Blessed2]

Day 3.

 

2 x 20 minutes done.

 

Little ab workout again.