blessed journal

[Blessed2]

43 minutes ago, Mandy said:

What do you want work to feel like, look like? How do you want to feel in general? 

 

Thanks for asking. It's somehow more fun to express when someone asks you questions.

 

In general, I want to feel relaxed. Carrying the weight of the character (separate self) vs. abiding as the unattached observer. Enjoying little things, like snow falling and wind blowing. The opposite of worry.

 

Really having trouble answering what comes to work though. And it's surprising. Before I would probably have come up with an answer quite quickly. What do I want for work to feel/look like?

 

I have no idea. That's a really good question. I have to think about it and come back later.

[Alexander]

5 minutes ago, Phil said:

@Alexander

Are you even getting kickbacks from big pharma? 

I feel depressed today, sorry for my posts.

[Phil]

@Alexander

No worries. 

 

Want a clarity provoking question?

[Blessed2]

10 minutes ago, Alexander said:

Spirituality is waste of time .

 

Yeah. I guess Neo never got his bills paid.

[Blessed2]

15 minutes ago, Phil said:

Are you The Chocolate Factory? 

 

Not sure what's the refrence here. 😂

[Phil]

33 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:

 

🙏

 

What might be even better though is that we're already in the "same shoes", are we not?

Then no, not at all. 

[Blessed2]

52 minutes ago, Phil said:

Then no, not at all. 

 

Infinite cannot know finite bro

 

😁

[Phil]

1 hour ago, Blessed2 said:

 

🙏

 

What might be even better though is that we're already in the "same shoes", are we not?

We are most definitely not. 

Oneness isn’t nonduality. 

[Blessed2]

5 minutes ago, Phil said:

We are most definitely not. 

Oneness isn’t nonduality. 

 

Oh yeah, hear you. Didn't mean that though.

 

"Us in the same shoes" as in "quantum field" or "observer". Phil and Blessed2 are both just hopeless characters. Friendly laughter.

[Blessed2]

 

[Blessed2]

"The greatest form of ego for an individual is to present himself as a teacher and become a guru." - Ramana Maharshi

[Blessed2]

I'm feeling uncomfortable in my stomach.

 

It's past midnight. I felt really tired when I went to bed, closed my eyes, got ready but didn't fall asleep. Started feeling irritated and frustrated.

 

Been trying to feel better, to acknowledge feeling, to be mindful. To align thought with feeling. Don't seem to be able to do that.

 

Felt irritated because my girlfriend is sleeping next to me and she's making all sort of sleeping noises. Tried to do forgiveness for her / on it, but that didn't seem to be happening either. Lost focus every time she made a sound and felt even more irritation.

 

Stomach feels heavy. Very annoying feeling.

 

"Otherwise known as being full of shit."

 

I'm probably being full of shit.

 

It seems to be better to not "push" forgiveness, but to let it come when it comes.

 

God I hate thoughts about a god.

 

Pessimism.

 

There's a difference in how space "feels" between pessimism - contentment.

 

In pessimism the air feels heavy, space seems tight, as if walls are pushing in. The breath feels shallow and heavy. Like tthe whole sense of body, air and space was under pressure.

 

In contentment the air feels cool and light. Everything feels more spacious. Eyes feel relaxed and a bit more sensitive.

 

That's weird, actually. There is a difference is how the eyes and skin surrounding them feels in contentment. It's like they become a bit relaxed yet also alert. They feel healthier. Maybe even a bit dry, but not in a bad way.

 

Same for the skin in the entire body maybe. It's like the skin starts breathing in contentment. You stretch a bit. Freshness spreads through the body.

 

Hmm... For some reason it seems like if I think of the emotions above contentment, they don't feel quite as good as this.

 

Maybe I have / have had a wrong idea about them.

 

Have had this assumption that there would be some sort of tension in hopefulness and above. Which doesn't make sense because there's not much if at all tension in contentment, and they're above it.

 

Maybe I'm thinking about them from the "point of view" of pessimism etc. Like some sort of whacky projection. Makes sense.

 

 

It feels frustrating to acknowledge pessimism over and over and not getting anywhere.

 

But wait, then I'm experiencing frustration.

 

And that's even more frustrating.

 

Over and over again same thing.

 

Just so tired to acknowledge it over and over again. Impatience. It's so boring to climb up the ladder toward contentment.

 

So fucking done with the pessimism. Can't stand it anymore.

 

I hate my feelings. I hate my emotions. I'm supposed to love them cause nonduality lol but I don't, I hate them. I hate trying to align thought with feeling. I hate trying to get up the emotional scale.

 

[Mandy]

51 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:

God I hate thoughts about a god.

Best thing ever written.  

 

[Blessed2]

8 hours ago, Mandy said:

Best thing ever written.  

 

😁😁

[Blessed2]

I've been telling my girlfriend that I'm going to win the lottery today. She's a bit worried. Saying I'm totally delusional. I told her I'm just telling the universe what to be.

 

It's 12.12 today. That's my lucky number. The universe is already aligning you see. There's same number combinations present in my winning numbers too.

 

I told her what I will do the moment I see that I won. I'll go for a long walk and think about all the awesome things I will be buying, experiencing and having. Listening to music. Feeling SO good. Actually, why not go for that walk already? I'll do that.

 

I'll call her and say "I told you". I'll come over to her place because I'll probably be a bit too bursting with excitement to be alone.

 

I'll call my parents and tell the good news. They probably won't believe me at first, but I'll send them a picture as a proof.

 

I probably won't sleep tonight, too excited. I'll just browse through the internet, thinking about all the stuff I'll buy.

 

I will pobably buy that van I mentioned earlier. Also a house. There's a certain area in this city I really like. I already checked what's for sale there. There was a couple of very cozy houses.

 

I'll buy a normal car too. Something safe. I want a super safe car. Probably a Tesla. Not too expensive though.

 

Then I'll buy a cottage somewhere in the woods too. In southern Finland, next to a lake or something. Would be awesome to just spend some time relaxing in a place like that.

 

I'll also give some money to others. To my parents so that they can have the house they dream of. To my brother so he can live more comfortably. I know he'll appreciate it a lot. To my girlfriend so she could take time off from work, spend time in that cottage and follow her dream as a writer. I'll donate for the theatre she writes plays for, cause they're a bit short on money. And I'll donate for AoB too, just cause I appreciate this forum etc.

 

I'll also just give money to other friends too, just cause I can. Just to make some things easier for them.

 

Woah, I constantly write "I would" for some reason. Have to go back every now and them to correct it to "I will". It's like I forget that I already know I'm going to win.

 

When I'm comfortable and steady with the new money, I'll start some kind of business or a non-profit organization. Not sure yet what, but I've had some ideas that I will explore. When I was in this rehab thingy, I talked about my idea of like a modern "monastery", a place for people to take time off the hassle of life for a week, a month or even longer and have a kind of monastery setting for that. There would be housing for them, daily meditation/prayer/yoga routine, whatever tradition or practice one wants to follow. There would be a library too, full of books ranging from philosophy to science to politics to music to spirituality and art. It wouldn't matter who you are and what you want to focus on. Want to get silent and study non-duality? Done. Want to have time off for yourself to write music or poetry? Done. Want to get deeper into feminist insight? Done. Whoever wants to have a monastery / retreat center for anything, this place is for you.

 

That's about it. These come to mind as I think what I'm going to do after I win.

 

The winning numbers are going to be:

11, 22, 29, 44, 49 - 3, 9

or

14, 21, 22, 46, 47 - 1, 4

The jackpot is 49 000 000€. I'll win all of it. Some will go for taxes, but I don't mind. It's still plenty.

 

It might be a bit hard at first, cause I'm not at all used to such wealth. I have no idea how that kind of money is usually handled and what's a good way to go about investing / saving / using it. Gotta find someone trustworthy to give advice on this matter.

 

Oh, and I'm going to buy a new phone. I find those Samsung's flip phones very interesting. One of those. And I'll also buy a pair of good speakers & an amplifier.

 

Yeah. That's about it. I'll go for that feel-good walk now.

 

[Blessed2]

I'll probably buy Tesla Model 3. The other models are a bit big. Model S wouldn't be too horrible, but ya know how it is to drive in bigger cities sometimes. Model 3 is a pretty good fit. Easy to get around in city but not too small for roadtrips. Don't have kids either, at least yet.

 

It also doesn't really matter that it's electric since it charges so fast. Won't take long, you can basically charge it full while getting groceries and drinking a cup of tea or something if there's a supercharger. The infrastructure is getting better for electric cars every day. It'll be easy to visit my parents even though they live a couple hundred miles away.

 

I also found a pretty good house on sale. It's pretty much exactly the type of place I like. Great area, near where I lived a few months ago. Kind of fell in love with that area. It's a townhouse, two stores, three bedrooms. Townhouse is good since I don't really care for a big courtyard. It has a small garden which is nice. Don't really need three bedrooms, but I'll make one into a library / meditation space, and one for physical excercise.

 

Didn't really like the white walls though. But it'll be nice to paint them myself.

 

I tried to look for a nice holiday cottage but didn't seem to find any that sparked an interest. But no worries there, there are always new ones coming on sale.

 

It might be because I'm not really that sure what I want from a cottage like that. Like for example, do I want a big place, more like a villa, or do I want a small, cozy place, like a little house where you'd imagine elfs and gnomes living? There's something exciting about both, though they kind of cancel each other out.

 

And what comes to that company I've been thinking about... I want to offer something that people want. Not sure what that would be though.

 

I like the thought of offering space. Like, literal space for certain focus. Maybe that's where the idea of a monastery came from. Space and means for restful exploration and creativity.

 

[Blessed2]

Didn't win.

 

I am experiencing the emotions grief, despair, insecurity, unworthiness, jealousy, rage, anger, discouragement, blame, worry, doubt, disappointment, overwhelment, irritation, pessimism.

 

Boredom?

 

Maybe a little bit.

 

Contentment?

 

Yeah, it's not that bad.

 

Hopefulness?

 

Sure. It's not about what I have. It's about how I think. So to speak. The observer. Even the most seemingly mundane things are beautiful when you take such a step back. I can feel happiness, it's totally open to me now and tomorrow.

 

Positive expectation?

 

Yes. I'm getting the hang of it. Life's pretty good when you just relax a bit. Who knows how good I'll feel tomorrow.

 

And I sure am not drinking!

 

Enthusiasm?

 

Something's up.

 

What?

 

I'm actually experiencing doubt.

 

What does it feel like in the body?

 

There's tension all over. Especially...

 

Wait, no.

 

Now I'm experiencing the emotion frustration and irritation.

 

Pessimism?

 

Yeah, pessimism.

 

Frustration and irritation again.

 

No, doubt.

 

Irritation again.

 

Ugh, this is useless. Such a stupid practice. Stupid scale. I'm never going to make it. There is no hope.

 

I'm really just lying every time I say I experience anything above pessimism.

 

It's always pessimism or worse.

 

Maybe just a little bit of contentment every now and then, like yesterday.

 

But the doubt always comes back.

 

And then it's all messed up and

 

I just lose hope.

 

What does losing hope mean?

 

The two bottom bars I guess. Powerlessness, despair, unworthiness, insecurity.

 

Down here there is no point to any of it.

 

It's just never going to happen. I'll never actually feel joy and happiness.

 

At least I'm telling you what I actually feel and think.

 

I just fear that it's not helping either.

 

So yes, fear too.

 

Whatever. There's no point.

 

 

It seems that no-one got the jackpot. So now it's 59 million.

 

I know I'm not going to win on friday either, but maybe just for the sake of feeling this god-awful pain and misery I'll play again. What a wonderful practice to experience this emotional guidance I hate and want to punch in the face and rip apart today.

 

[Mandy]

1 hour ago, Blessed2 said:

It seems that no-one got the jackpot.

 

CONGRATULATIONS NO ONE!!!! 

 

[Mandy]

1 hour ago, Blessed2 said:

 

 

So yes, fear too.

What's the fear? 

[Blessed2]

6 hours ago, Mandy said:

What's the fear? 

 

That even if I truly try every method like the scale, expression, or every meditation, I will not get out of this trap, will never have the life I want, and will never feel happiness.

 

That even if I gave it my best, it wouldn't work.

 

This is one of the worst feeling thoughts I know. Feels similar to existential terror.

 

Edited December 13, 2023 by Blessed2