blessed journal

[Blessed2]

5 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:

 

That even if I truly try every method like the scale, expression, or every meditation, I will not get out of this trap, will never have the life I want, and will never feel happiness.

 

That even if I gave it my best, it wouldn't work.

 

This is one of the worst feeling thoughts I know. Feels similar to existential terror.

 

 

Though I wonder what it would be like to not even try any method or meditation, and not even try to have the life I want, but to just watch the misery and depression happening like a scientist watches bacteria grow.

[Mandy]

5 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

 

That even if I truly try every method like the scale, expression, or every meditation, I will not get out of this trap, will never have the life I want, and will never feel happiness.

 

That even if I gave it my best, it wouldn't work.

 

This is one of the worst feeling thoughts I know. Feels similar to existential terror.

 

See how the same "I want it now" "I DON'T want THIS and I DON'T WANT the journey" is reflected in the lottery dream as well as the resistance to the scale? It needs to be only about where you're going... the essence of what you want, not what you're trying to skip, escape, exclude. 

 

If there was nothing to skip, escape or exclude what would the dream be then? 

[Blessed2]

40 minutes ago, Mandy said:

See how the same "I want it now" "I DON'T want THIS and I DON'T WANT the journey" is reflected in the lottery dream as well as the resistance to the scale? It needs to be only about where you're going... the essence of what you want, not what you're trying to skip, escape, exclude. 

 

If there was nothing to skip, escape or exclude what would the dream be then? 

 

I don't understand what you're asking

[Mandy]

@Blessed2 What experience does a kid born to rich parents that just give them everything, or a lottery winner miss out on? 

[Phil]

Write a list of what you want.

Then take ten minutes to fantasize about it all instantly manifesting.

The write a list of what you actually want. 

 

Acknowledging impatience reveals the eternal nature and sheds insight on why some thoughts feel as they do. 

[Blessed2]

4 hours ago, Mandy said:

What experience does a kid born to rich parents that just give them everything, or a lottery winner miss out on? 

 

Effort. Slow accumulation of the wealth.

 

Wouldn't say they "miss out" though. That's like saying "healthy people miss out on the slow and painful process of healing from cancer".

Edited December 13, 2023 by Blessed2

[Mandy]

52 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:

 

Effort. Slow accumulation of the wealth.

 

Wouldn't say they "miss out" though. That's like saying "healthy people miss out on the slow and painful process of healing from cancer".

Oh, hold the phone there! The effort isn't the means to the end though, the journey is the fun. There's nothing more fun that learning a skill, building a business, the unknown, the challenge. It isn't about the end result, after all there is no end. It's wildly fun, asking the questions and watching the universe light up the next step. 

[Blessed2]

I don't like the law of attraction. I don't like the approach of manifesting your desires.

 

This is between the range of anger and pessimism.

 

I don't like it because then the focus is on what I desire and what I do not have.

 

And the interpretation is that I have to do something in order to have what I want. Like raise vibration or something. That's the same as the interpretation that I have to do physical effort like work hard to have what I want. Just slightly different.

 

It feels better to just not try to get it.

 

Or that disappointment feels better than doubt etc.

 

That I agree with.

 

But the law of attraction isn't a good belief system because there's still the lingering belief that good feeling comes from things, stuff and experience.

 

If not, why even mention the whole "create what you want" thing? Why not just say, "go up the scale"?

 

"Go up the scale" is different than "go up the scale to attract what you want".

 

Some projection noticed. Thoughts about the thoughts of others. Assumptions of their beliefs and assumptions and values.

 

I'm experiencing the emotion blame.

 

Discouragement.

 

Worry.

 

Doubt.

 

Disappointment.

 

Overwhelment.

 

Overwhelment is somehow similar with contentment.

 

Impatience.

 

Pessimism.

 

Boredom.

 

Contentment.

 

Hopefulness.

 

Optimism. That's an interesting word.

 

 

[Blessed2]

23 minutes ago, Mandy said:

Oh, hold the phone there! The effort isn't the means to the end though, the journey is the fun. There's nothing more fun that learning a skill, building a business, the unknown, the challenge. It isn't about the end result, after all there is no end. It's wildly fun, asking the questions and watching the universe light up the next step. 

 

Whatever, whatever, whatever journeying or learning or building there is, just take me out of it. Totally, whatever, just take me out of it.

[Mandy]

1 minute ago, Blessed2 said:

 

Whatever, whatever, whatever journeying or learning or building there is, just take me out of it. Totally, whatever, just take me out of it.

There's no exclusion. There's no exclusion from the essence of the wellbeing that's thought to be in the future or not here now and there's no excluding a you. 

[Blessed2]

32 minutes ago, Mandy said:

There's no exclusion. There's no exclusion from the essence of the wellbeing that's thought to be in the future or not here now and there's no excluding a you. 

 

I don't care. It feels good. 😁

 

The character, or activity of seeking happiness, seeking to grow, to heal, to be better, goes on like a table keeps on being a table. But I'm not a table! A table might suck at being a table. Pieces of wood splinter off it and it's a total mess. But it's not me.

 

Blessed2 is a total mess. Have you seen what that miserable fuckup writes here? That guy would have to meditate YEARS to get better. He should clean his room. Eat healthier. Exercise. Be honest. He thinks that's the way he would wake up and finally be happy. Good thing I'm not him. One of the best news I've ever heard.

 

It's All I Want For Christmas!

 

I listened to that song today and noticed how weird it is that in so many songs we just sing about I, I, I.

 

Like everyone just walks around saying I this, I that. As if there was nothing weird about I at all. Nothing to see here folks!

 

 

[Blessed2]

1 hour ago, Saylor Twift said:

Far from it. His posts have been very helpful and insightful. I’m grateful for him. 

 

[Blessed2]

Hmm.

 

Just came from a walk. I tried to remain in perception, seeing, hearing, in here now. So to speak.

 

But the mind seems to want to go into weird stuff. All sorts of narratives. I often imagine myself having discussions about spirituality. There's often arrognace included. Like I'm explaining something to someone. I'm the knower, the teacher. Maybe even admired by the imaginary listeners.

 

Then I snap out of it and try to return back to direct experience.

 

For some reason it seems like it feels better to imagine all that crap than stay in the present perception, direct experience.

 

I wonder why.

 

The present seems to be kind of boring I guess.

 

Not only imagination of having conversations, but also all sort of theorizing about nonduality, the screen and the movie etc.

 

Again I snap out of it and notice that it's just theorizing, thoughts. It's philosophy, just like communism or something.

 

Then I guess I feel something at the range of disappointment to boredom.

 

 

[Blessed2]

Some discordant thoughts came up while meditating a moment ago.

 

The emotion experienced is fear is guess.

 

Feeling of "fight or flight" in the thighs. Fear probably.

 

Insecurity too? Unworthiness?

 

And the thought... I keep repeating the mantra, but thoughts keep appearing.

 

"What if this is not a good meditation technique? What is I should do something different?"

 

"I like this meditation, but maybe I should be doing a more uncomfortable one."

 

"What if this technique of focusing on a mantra isn't directing focus away from thoughts like another technique would?"

 

"I can't stop the stream of thoughts."

 

"I am not in control of thoughts."

 

"I am not in control whether I believe thoughts or not."

 

Powerlessness, fear.

 

"I cannot control the thoughts, but if I don't even try, the meditation will be pointless and won't give me results."

 

The emotion fear seems to be due to the thought that I am not in control.

 

Maybe that some very horrible thoughts may come and I am not in control whether I believe them or not. And that something bad could happen due to that. Like death or something.

 

It really does seem like I'm not in control of thoughts and belief. That I do believe. Like, it seems so true. So true. Absolutely true.

 

Paradox, impossible.

 

Paradox. Uncontrollable paradox of thought.

 

Fear.

 

I am experiencing the emotion fear.

 

Does it feel great, or not great?

 

Not great.

 

That's really all there is to "it". There's no need to name the emotion. There's no need to acknowledge anything else. Only this: Does it feel great or not great?

 

Not great.

 

That's it. That's the emotional guidance. It's that simple. Simpler than simple.

 

It feels good, or relieving, to acknowledge "great, or not great".

 

Not great is self-evidently, not great.

 

Is any work or effort or activity required other than the acknowledgement of great or not great?

 

Knowing vs. feeling. How does the thought feel that more is required? Great or not great?

 

Not great.

 

How does the thought feel that if only great or not great is acknowledged and you let it be that simple, something horrible might happen?

 

Not great.

 

How does fear, worry and doubt feel?

 

Not great.

 

Not great.

 

Not great.

 

Not great.

 

Not great.

 

Not great.

 

I am experiencing the emotion fear and it feels not great.

 

Stubbornness?

 

Unworthiness.

 

Stubbornness.

 

Jealousy.

 

Jealousy.

 

Hatred.

 

Anger.

 

Blame.

 

Discouragement.

 

Worry.

 

Doubt.

 

Disappointment.

 

Overwhelment.

 

Irritation and impatience.

 

Pessimism.

 

Boredom.

 

Contentment.

 

Hopefulness.

 

Optimism.

 

Eagerness.

 

Passion.

 

Joy.

 

A bunch of bullshit.

[Blessed2]

It's been a week since the last drink now.

 

The two main illusions / beliefs / assumptions that make it seem like drinking is needed or better than sobriety are:

 

1. That drinking alcohol holds meaning, or that it takes away the feeling of meaninglessness. That it's a necessary aid or crutch without which all else becomes meaningless.

 

The emotion pessimism?

 

2. That if I don't drink, I would be seen as boring, pointless or un-exciting company for others. That I'd miss out from others love or appreciation or desire to be with me.

 

Now that I think about it, number 2 is probably projection. I believe others have same thoughts about alcohol.

 

 

Meaning and alcohol.

 

It's like I might fantazise about having all I want, all the wildest dreams... But if there is no alcohol there, something very crucial is missing. Feeling of meaninglessness. Like it turns into ash.

 

 

How is the illusion of meaning created?

 

Is there meaning 'inside' truth?

 

Maybe the discord I'm experiencing is due to the belief or assumption that there is no meaning inside truth.

 

 

Great, or not great?

 

Not great.

 

 

I have this intuition that what I'm describing as "meaning" and "meaninglessness" is really just emotions. There is no really any substance to those concepts. What is 'meaning' made of? How is it defined?

 

It might be just intellectualization of emotion.

 

What emotions?

 

Despair. Pessimism. Boredom maybe too?

 

Pessimism most likely.

 

Groundhog Day. Starting to see myself in that weatherman.

 

Same sort of pessimism. Could be out eating a donut or something. Beautiful winter night, snow falling. Hanging out with friends. But it's all ash. There's no fun.

 

All those things plus alcohol? Lots of fun.

 

What is that? How come?

 

What's 'fun'?

 

 

Today was a day of lots of pessimism.

 

Could have gone to chruch to listen christmas music. Could have gone downtown to buy presents. Didn't feel like it. The thought of doing those things felt "not fun". "It's not going to be fun."

 

Felt a desire to drink but didn't.

 

Ended up being home and watching a movie. That wasn't much fun either.

 

 

There's this search for fun. Trying to extract as much fun out of life as possible. It's pretty stressful. Acute. Hurry up! Fun, ASAP! Please, anything for some fun now. 

 

 

Edited December 17, 2023 by Blessed2

[Blessed2]

About to finish Busting Loose From The Money Game by Robert Scheinfeld and woah, what a life-changing book. Like, literally, life just won't be the same anymore. This is probably the most influential book I've come across so far.

 

Not sure what's going to happen in the future, and after reading it I care like 60% less, but I might quit the school I'm at now and see if I'd enjoy some other studies more. Maybe journalism. Or maybe try something entirely different. How about just starting a Reiki thing? Doesn't matter really. Money doesn't really come from what I do. It comes from the patterns on the film.

 

It's all about following joy. Money doesn't come from the holograph anyway. Money isn't really even abundance, it's more like an illusory limited shadow on my true abundance. Just a clever trick I've been playing on myself.

 

It's just a hologram. It doesn't 'say' anything about me.

 

Edited December 17, 2023 by Blessed2

[Blessed2]

Things I want and believe I need a lot of money to have, without mentioning money:

 

- A big, cozy, beautiful house

- A steady flow of healthy and delicious food, water, electricity, internet, gas etc.

- A luxorious, safe car with lots of space for luggage

- Means and space for hobbies and activities

- Respect from others

- Freedom to do what I want to do without *needing* to do anything

- Possibility to travel

- Artwork, entertainment

- Hi-fi systems

- Technological gadgets like a phone, TV, laptop

- Providing & helping others

- Making social connections

 

To be continued?

[Blessed2]

2 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

Things I want and believe I need a lot of money to have, without mentioning money:

 

- A big, cozy, beautiful house

- A steady flow of healthy and delicious food, water, electricity, internet, gas etc.

- A luxorious, safe car with lots of space for luggage

- Means and space for hobbies and activities

- Respect from others

- Freedom to do what I want to do without *needing* to do anything

- Possibility to travel

- Artwork, entertainment

- Hi-fi systems

- Technological gadgets like a phone, TV, laptop

- Providing & helping others

- Making social connections

 

To be continued?

 

I did the same thing for each of those, "diving in" and finding the aspects which are wanted / assumed to be in those things.

 

Lots of aspects came up, but the "main things" that feel popped up were:

 

RESPECT BY OTHERS

BEING THE CENTER OF THE STORY

SECURITY

REST AND RELAXATION

PEACE OF MIND

 

Gonna add these to the dreamboard.

 

Especially the respect of others and being the center of the story were kind of surprising, or didn't really notice those before.

 

It's often looked down upon, the desire to be the center of attention isn't it? Selfish! Narcissistic! Petty!

 

Though what's really pointed to with "being the center of the story" is quite reasonable IMO.

 

The opposite of that, how I'd define it, would be isolation or marginalized. "Side character." Depressive stuff. Like not having air to breathe or food to eat.

 

It's interesting too how "the center of the story", or "the main stage" can seem to be even in literal geological sense somewhere else. Like America. Damn you Hollywood.

 

 

The one that causes the most discord is "respect by others".

 

The rest of them seem like I can do them, but respect by others seem like I can't do it.

 

Like it requires something that I don't have, or am not able to do.

 

I believe I'd have to do work to have the respect. Work as in have a job, a carreer, income (the bigger the better), but also usual chores like keeping my home clean and in order.

 

Very connected to my relationship with parents too. Not only them but very much so.

 

Lately I've noticed that I'd feel less insecurity and worry if my parents were dead. Cause I wouldn't have to prove or be or do anything for their respect or love anymore.

 

It really does seem real that I cannot have the respect of others if I'm unemployed and don't have my things and my home in order.

 

That's a belief. And the world seems to reflect it extremely well. Hard to overlook what the world seems to show.

 

"Respect by others". It might be possible to get even more spesific.

 

Self-esteem?

 

Kind of hitting a brick wall here.

 

Just don't see how to go about it. Having a job, keeping the house clean seems quite impossible. Way too much work. But how to have or feel self-esteem or respected without them? Do I have to "just do it", just try and try and push through the pain, or is there some better way?

 

[Blessed2]

Maybe I haven't been respecting others.

 

Hmm... What does it really mean, to respect?

 

 

: to consider worthy of high regard :

 

"Worthy". "High regard".

 

Unconditional love comes to mind. Non-judgement. Surrender, even.

 

Appreciation. Worth.

 

🤔🤔

[Blessed2]

I'm so tired. Exhausted.

 

I've been basically doing nothing, having lots of free time for many days now, but because of constant rumination, worry, anxiety... I've been stressed out. Constantly. It's madness. To get exhausted from just ruminating in your own head.