blessed journal

[Blessed2]

I am experiencing the emotion(s):

 

- Blame

- Anger

- Worry

- Fear

- Powerlessness

 

Write it out and let it go:

 

We had elections some time ago and the right wing won. They formed a government basically of liberal right & conservative right.

 

They just totally lied in the elections. Everyone knew they would basically cut from welfare etc. and ease taxes but now they're making way bigger and worse cuts than they promised.

 

They specifically stated that they would not cut from students, but now they're going to do it anyway. The result is basically that a student has to either work while studying (if there even is a job or enough time) or take a bigger student loan.

 

It makes me mad. All these cuts for the people who need the welfare the most, and then less taxes for the rich. 🤦 They said our economics are in such poor shape and we have to stop taking more national debt. But even after all these cuts, we will still, have to take MORE debt than the previous (left-wing) government did.

 

And I'm actually quite sceptical whether national debt even is a problem. Like literally no-one even seems to understand what national debt is, where it comes from, how any of this economical stuff really works. It's never actually explained in media or schools or elsewhere. And if it is, very shortly and poorly. It's a fucking scam.

 

Sure whatever make the cuts, but why the tax cuts for the rich? Is it really that important for people who already make over 100,000 a year to make a few thousand more? Is that really what's holding back our economy lol? It just sounds to me like very short-sighted ideological, naive economical thinking. It's like the economics you see a 16 year old guy spew on TikTok after hearing about capitalism vs. socialism - polarization for the first time and trying to make it a cool identity and be edgy or something.

 

It makes me feel really worried and kind of powerless when as a student you kind of just have to go into debt. Like you're pushed into debt slavery right from the beginning.

 

Makes me wonder who's really pulling the strings, and for whom all these policies are really made for. I don't like banks at all. I think they're literally just making everyone into their slaves in order to create wealth for themselves. Like we're in a debt matrix and they're standing outside it.

 

And the right-wingers are such populist, narrow-sighted and childish folk. I'm irritated that people really buy their bullshit.

 

Kinda just wishing that the government would resign. There seems to be so much opposition, so much critique.

 

 

Lots of opportunity to forgive. To have, give all to all.

 

Edited September 23, 2023 by Blessed2

[Blessed2]

In today's ACIM lesson, the idea starts with two lines:

 

Spirit am I, a holy Son of God

 

Just a moment ago I started going over the idea once again like for the tenth time today, and while bringing up that idea in mind, instant discord.

 

Did not feel like having any "I'm this, I'm that" - thought.

[Blessed2]

The "juice" of life, feeling and being open is really flowing today.

 

I moved to my own apartment today, from our place with my girlfriend. We didn't break up, but decided to move to separate places. I wanted to gain freedom which I percieved as lost in having a shared place. And she seems to be on the same page with me.

 

First and foremost, grief. A lot is changing. We lived together for about a year.

 

Also some fear/anxiety/worry/doubt, am I going to be alright living alone? Can I do it? I'm going to sleep soon. This new apartment feels unfamiliar. It feels weird, lonely.

 

Some insecurity / guilt... What do people think of this choice? What if I did something horribly wrong?

 

Yet also appreciation. I appreciate she's with me. I appreciate I can always call or text her. I appreciate she's with me and we can go through this together. I appreciate that we will spend time together and have fun.

 

Whew, some intense feeling and cathartic moments might be coming. Feeling the change in my bones.

[Blessed2]

OMG I just noticed something huge.

 

I have been assuming / hoping / looking for relationships to make me feel a certain way, or 'fill a hole'.

 

And it is a quite spesific "feeling" I've been looking for. Not sure what exactly it is, and not sure if it's on the scale, and for some reason I don't want for it to be a spesific emotion per se. I have no idea why that is. Maybe it seems kind of boring / unattainable for that feeling to be an emotion like on the scale. Like if it was just an emotion like that, then I'd just do nothing / create nothing. ?? Or that it would somehow be boring or bad if it wasn't coming from something outside. Weird.

 

I imagine myself going to the gym/school. I imagine going without having what I want, mainly a 'perfect' relationship/partner, and I feel this sort of meaninglessness/emptiness/loneliness/lack/pessimism/black hole. Extremely hard to explain that feeling. I don't have the words (at least not yet).

 

Then if I imagine going to the gym/school and feeling how I'd want to feel, or how I used to assume a perfect relationship etc. would make me feel, I feel like my life is full, like something is waiting for me back home, optimism/happiness/peace/fulfillment/meaning/fullness/content/enough/on the right track/togetherness/eternity even. Again, very hard to find the right word. All I know that this feeling is what I've been wanting, it's what I have been looking for. I'd be on fire. Self-actualization might be a term that points to this. It's something about ME. Being the fullest ME.

 

This is so awesome to notice because now I have a handle on what I do want.

 

I wonder what is it exactly in a relationship that I assume is the source of that feeling I want. That there is something "waiting back home" sounds quite close to it. Like there's meaningful content in my life.

 

It might be on the scale. Probably all of it after boredom.

 

I like the word "content". Like there's fullness in life and me. Also "meaning" resonates.

 

Hmmm

[Blessed2]

Been feeling pretty shitty these past few days.

 

Feeling like I can't do it. Powerlessness I guess.

 

After I moved to that new apartment, I kinda "lost" (or didn't have to begin with) touch with everyday life, rhythm, routines, responsibilitiea etc.

 

Didn't go to school for an entire week. Experiencing fear and guilt and unworthiness that I have been left behind in the studies.

 

Feeling insecurity and unworthiness, that I'm no good, can't do it, can't make life work, can't live up to my expectations. Believing I'm not attractive or desireable enough like this to others.

 

Have been drinking, way too much. It seems to be the most destructive problem in my life now. Not sure what to do about it. It's hard to seek help, not sure where to start. I have been getting professional help in the past, but it was kind of a mess. So much bureaucracy and stuff like that.

 

I need to "snap out of it". Even a week without drinking would probably be quite eye-opening. Right now the addiction "spiral" is in effect. It takes hold of your mind.

 

Like Mandy once said something about if it's really what you want or if it's just the momentum. This drinking is momentum. There's a thought / belief that drinking is the only way to experience pleasure or enjoyment.

 

Might start a new gym membership soon. That might help.

 

I am experiencing the emotion jealousy.

 

Lots of people have what I want. I'm here stuck in a rut and doubting whether I can have what I want. And they're living it.

 

I am experiencing hatred/rage. Fucking furious to and about the entire THIS.

 

Sometimes I do experience anger and revenge too.

 

Experienced blame too. It's your fault. You should act differently. You're annoying. You're such a burden on my life.

 

Discouragement. Not entirely sure what it feels like. It's unacknowledged. Just unwillingness to act. It's not going to work. I'm too tired. I just wanna stay in bed and hide from the world. I can't do it.

 

Worry. Worry is easy. Worry seems to always be there. Always, always worry about something. Yes

 

Doubt. Doubt whether I can make it. Whether life can be good. Whether I can have what I want. Whether it will happen or not.

 

Disappointment. This has been acknowledged more lately. Didn't really notice it before. But yeah, there's disappointment. That what I want is not the case already.

 

Irritation, frustration, impatience. My dad got this, and it's been passed down to me. I experience it sometimes. I just want to eat that fucking meal already, just let me forget these shitty feelings and drown myself in something else. I'm waiting and it takes a fucking eternity for you to get here. Oh my god, life sucks big time. AND STOP COUGHING. And when will this stupid scale be over?

 

Getting to pessimism. Too familiar by now. What's the use? It's not going to change for better. Today is a useless day. No fun times, nothing to be excited about. Same thing day after day. Might as well drink. That's where the good feeling comes from. I'm just so done with it. Please just go away.

 

Boredom. This one's tricky. I do sometimes experience boredom though.

 

Contentment. I do experience contentment sometimes too. I know how it feels. Some fresh air.

 

Hopefulness. Yeah, this one has been getting more familiar lately too. Maybe it is possible. Not sure how, but maybe it is.

 

Positive expectation / optimism. Yeah. I know how it feels. Sometimes (not very often) I experience it.

 

Happiness. It has really nothing to do with time. I do sometimes experience happiness. It's fun.

 

Passion. Passion has nothing to do with time nor things. Passion just is. Yeah, I have experienced passion.

 

And... Joy.

 

[Blessed2]

The only reason I would study or have a job is because I have to do it for money.

 

I haven't come across anything I'd actually like to do. Not anything that pays money.

 

I have to go to school tomorrow just because I have to do it. Not because I want to.

 

I'm not interested in the subject. I don't actually want to give massage. It's boring. Very boring. It just feels like a chore. I feel pretty shit while doing it.

 

This is like a dark cloud that fills everything in my life. There seems to be no way out. And no luck. All I see in the future is something I don't actually want to do. Years and years of having to spend days doing something you'd rather not do.

 

And there doesn't seem to be any way out. Changing the subject of study would probably be somewhat possible, but a huge hassle and full of bureucracy. And there isn't anything I'm interested to study.

 

Life just sucks. I feel depressed. Very dark feeling of despair, meaninglessness and hopelessness.

 

 

People say that it's not my fault etc. but it seems to be my fault that I feel like shit by holding these thoughts. Of course I'd like to feel better and I try to let it go or something but I still believe it. It's my fault that I don't listen to the guidance. It's my fault that I don't try enough. It's my fault that I decieve. It's my fault that I'm unwilling to endure bad emotions.

[Phil]

There isn’t a ‘holder of thoughts’, only the thought that there is. There’s no one at fault, no one who feels like shit, no one who feels better or worse, no one to let go or hold onto thoughts, no one who’s believing or not believing thoughts, no one listening to or not listening to the guidance, no one who try’s enough, no one who doesn’t try enough, no one who is willing or unwilling to endure. 

 

There are no bad emotions & no one judging. 

 

There’s alcoholism experientially, yet no alcoholic. 

 

While there’s no one assuming, as a friend that cares I would consider an assumption is being experienced which isn’t being questioned. That assumption is that alcoholism is better than sobriety. 

 

Alcoholism begets, in terms of frequency… despair, hopelessness, pessimism, mental instability, discordant outlook, anxiety, obscured clarity, irrationality, isolation / withdrawing from relationships and discordant bodily health / well-being. 

 

Sobriety begets, in terms of frequency… hope, optimism, positivity, mental stability, harmonious outlook, serenity, clarity, rationality, social connection, bodily health / well-being, alignment. 

 

BUT, there’s a ‘tricky’ aspect to those “opposites”. Sobriety doesn’t really beget those aspects. Those are all indicative of You, wether alcohol is added or not. I suppressed by the substance, these aspects naturally shine. 

 

Is knowing what you want to do really fundamentally wanted, or is clarity, naturally occurring clarity, joy & passion from which such a ‘knowing’ seems to arise what’s really wanted?

 

Is ‘being something or someone’ fundamentally wanted, or is being yourself, as you really are, unfettered, what’s really wanted?

 

 

Consider, the body & life is best naturally, as you ‘created’ it, without ‘man’s’ interference. Alcohol is not a naturally occurring substance. It’s manmade. It’s made to suppress the guidance. That is its only use / property / design. That & to make money for those who refute the abundance of their own true nature. Is that the club you really want to be in? I see that you are here, I see the love you share, and therein I see that it is not. 

 

Alcohol obscures You from You. From feeling and experiencing You in all your natural & amazing wonder. 

 

 

The belief in bad emotions is even trickier. It’s a focus on what I’m not doing, what I don’t want to do, what I can’t do, don’t have, why this or that isn’t worthwhile… what it isn’t… is focus on what I am doing. And therein lies the alcohol. 

 

Therapy, AA and or any such modalities are always recommend. Taking full advantage of every resource available is always recommended. 

 

Speaking from experience - an elliptical, ipad pro, extra-bass ear buds and a water bottle are by far the greatest investment I have ever made. 

 

At the same time, what there is no substitute for, is drinking consciously. If you drink because that’s what you want to do, that’s your right & prerogative. Though it may not be congruent with, indicative of, or in harmony or alignment with your nature - with You. 

 

 

Arguably, when asked what changed upon successfully experiencing a recovery program, the three most common answers are: self-esteem, self-worth, and confidence. 

These are You. These are the light of the sun. When ‘these’ are experienced, it’s because You aren’t obscured. These aren’t aspects which are done or learned. 

 

The second most common aspect(s) people report upon successful completion of a recovery program is: transformation I never would have been able to see as possible before, which changed everything, of which came unexpected and fulfilling changes. 

 

God is Good. 

 

Put another way - the very same people who completed recovery programs could not have known what their life would be like after the program. 

 

God is Good. 

 

I for one completely agree with You, in that there is Great Love for You here and want the very best for you.

 

Let go, let go, let go - but don’t give up! 

 

You do not know how everything can change, but it can. 

 

God is never giving up on you - don’t give up on yourself. Be open to the possibility that you can not overcome this disease. Being open to help is being open to love. God indeed works in mysterious ways, and angels do show up, they just look like “people”. But they aren’t. They’re angels. It’s how you allow God into your life, to help you, and when you do - and I absolutely guarantee this - when you really do, you will be lifted to places you’ve not yet dreamt of, in ways you could not presently imagine. 

[Blessed2]

Didn't sleep at all this night. Almost fell asleep but didn't.

 

Really don't want to go to school today. Probably won't.

 

The thought of going feels like heaviness in the legs, arms, chest and even face.

 

A feeling of... "Too much. It's not fun. It's bad. It's meaningless. It would be meaningless pain."

 

One good thing tonight was that after I read what Phil said, everything went kind of crazy emotionally, very overwhelming, heavy stuff. Dark clouds. Then I kind of went directly into the feeling, like the emotional awareness - meditation. That was a good discovery, the actuality of feeling without labels. This meditation seems different in that in other techniques, an uncomfortable feeling is an unwamted quest. But in this one, it's welcome, and it's what's meditated on.

 

Even as far as that it's actually quite interesting, even fascinating to examine the actuality of the feeling.

 

Gonna add it to my toolbox. Though it seems to be quite tricky. The thoughts about vs. actuality. The actuality seems to get lost from focus quite easily. Then it gets really overwhelming. Thoughts start racing. Though the irony is that the feeling is still there. Overwhelment, irritation, impatience, even anger or rage. Or fear or despair or powerlessness.

 

 

Maybe I could go to school and focus on this emotional awareness there... But that thought feels super heavy too (and it is noted in actuality. Chest, thighs, face. Heavy sensation. Tension. Sort of adrenaline-type tension. Minor spaghetti legs.)

 

 

 

5 hours ago, Phil said:

That assumption is that alcoholism is better than sobriety. 

 

Perhaps not alcoholism per se, as sobriety / moderation is actually on the dreamboard. Though being a drinker vs. non-drinker...

 

The drinking seems like a safe haven. Though this is probably the alcoholism talking.

 

5 hours ago, Phil said:

these aspects naturally shine. 

 

I really like that word "naturally". What came to mind when I read this is that maybe happiness is very much like sleeping. You don't do anything in order to sleep. It just happens... Naturally. If anything, you do less.

 

The irony is that I couldn't get any sleep tonight. I wonder what's the message. Oh, and also as I didn't get sleep, I'm also not going to that school. 🤔 If I had slept, I probably would have.

 

5 hours ago, Phil said:

Is knowing what you want to do really fundamentally wanted, or is clarity, naturally occurring clarity, joy & passion from which such a ‘knowing’ seems to arise what’s really wanted?

 

For some reason a closedness of the heart area is felt while reading this. Emotion irritation and pessimism. I don't know what you mean by naturally occuring clarity prior to wanting to do something. Don't have an experience of such.

 

5 hours ago, Phil said:

Is ‘being something or someone’ fundamentally wanted, or is being yourself, as you really are, unfettered, what’s really wanted?

 

Yeah, being the childlike, unfettered me is what's really wanted. Oh God yes. That over an enlightened me 100% anytime.

 

5 hours ago, Phil said:

Therapy, AA and or any such modalities are always recommend. Taking full advantage of every resource available is always recommended. 

 

Gonna partake in one of those Paul Hedderman Zoom calls. For starters. Maybe I'll feel more open for seeking other resources.

 

[Blessed2]

I was going to school, walking, almost there, but then negative thoughts came and I just stopped and turned back home.

 

I don't know what to do. I'm seriously depressed right now. This is a familiar thing. I've been here before, kinda.

 

I don't know who to contact. I don't want to talk to nurses or doctors because it's really just bureaucracy. If I wanted therapy (like I do) that would take maybe like at least a month. And I'd have to see doctors etc. a few times. But even if I did that I don't have money for therapy.

 

So I don't know what to do.

 

I'd just like to cry.

Edited November 6, 2023 by Blessed2

[Phil]

8 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

happiness is very much like sleeping. You don't do anything in order to sleep. It just happens... Naturally. If anything, you do less.

Brilliant. 

 

It’s totally normal & common that as fear is allowed to be felt, it is projected initially onto something or someone or some experience. It’s ok, it’s natural. It arises and it passes. Take a few deep breaths.

 

Notice the aversion from feeling. No judgement - innocence. Natural. Take a few more deep breaths. Relax & feel. The discord will subside. Feeling, or non-aversion from feeling, is the safe haven. 

 

8 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

I don't know what you mean by naturally occuring clarity prior to wanting to do something. Don't have an experience of such.

Awareness is aware of thoughts like ‘negative thoughts’ and ‘depression’ / clarity is clear these are thoughts - judgements / feeling is feeling the discord of judgment - and all is well. 

 

Truly my friend, it’s ok, all is well. Relax, deep breaths. 

 

Overcoming is not the way, as in truth there isn’t something to overcome. 

 

Emptying of conditioning is natural and is the way-less-way. It’s the very releasing of what seems to be getting in your way. It’s not a releasing of anything wanted, it’s a releasing of only unwanted. 

 

ACIM eloquently emphasizes that the feeling of judgement is not inherent in our true nature. Rather, that there is an experience of ‘misperception’ felt, and the feeling ‘points out’ that indeed a misperception is experienced. 

 

8 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

Yeah, being the childlike, unfettered me is what's really wanted. Oh God yes. That over an enlightened me 100% anytime.

Innocence could be said to experience worry, pessimism & fear. The thoughts & corresponding emotions feel off, because innocence is not worrying, fearing, nor pessimistic. SImply put, the thoughts are not a vibrational match with the being. 

 

A very wise man ostensibly once said, the ego is that which can’t accept truth because it’s too good to be true.

 

🤍 

[Blessed2]

17 hours ago, Phil said:

ACIM eloquently emphasizes that the feeling of judgement is not inherent in our true nature. Rather, that there is an experience of ‘misperception’ felt, and the feeling ‘points out’ that indeed a misperception is experienced. 

 

Been meditating regularly lately and it's been actually considered / seen for the first time that maybe the thoughts that feel discordant are literally just not true. Not theoratically, like "yeah theoretically speaking maybe these problems aren't that real" but LITERALLY, like unicorns and Santa. It's a fun discovery.

[Blessed2]

"That assumption is that alcoholism is better than sobriety."

 

It really does seem like alcohol gives me something valuable. Like if I quit drinking and never drank again, I'd lose something big, like a friend.

 

What comes to mind first about this is meaning. Like I'd lose some sort of meaning in life if I never drank again. Or that there is no meaning in life, or nothing I really want is coming, and alcohol makes that pain go away or fills that hole.

 

Allen Carr's Easyway would state that this is the very trap of addiction. That the alcohol creates the hole and then it seems like it fills a hole.

 

That kind of makes sense, and I see how that would be a total game changer... But I find it hard to believe, especially in regard to this "meaning". I don't see how alcohol consumption creates that feeling of meaninglessness.

 

Not sure what the emotion is in regard to the scale when this thought about meaninglessness appears. Pessimism?

 

Without labeling it... Let's take a look. I feel a sense of... Kind of spaghetti-anxiety or tension in chest, stomach and shoulder area. Descriptive words: emtpiness, lack, staring down a void...

 

It seems like there is "no way out", or no way to resolve this feeling of meaninglessness. Can't see how this void could be filled. Can't find anything that would fill it.

 

Though maybe that's the "wrong way", like trying to find answers to existential questions vs. melting the questioning itself.

 

Maybe it seems like the hole cannot be filled, because there's already a mistaken assumption prior to the whole ordeal.

 

It's probably the classic trying to find it "outside" in objective experience vs. noticing it's within, coming from me.

 

That the feeling of meaning doesn't come from certain activities, objects, people or places, but from me, and those things are expressions of it.

 

Seems kind of straight-forward intellectually, theoretically speaking, but how is this actualized and how are it's fruits felt?

 

[Blessed2]

What an insight!

 

I'm not on a emotional healing journey.

 

There's no traumas or deep-rooted beliefs and emotional locks that need to be opened tomorrow.

 

There isn't a mountain of emotional problems that need to be resolved, which would take a month or a year.

 

There might be an experience of thought and discord, today.

 

But that doesn't say anything about me, or tomorrow.

 

Who knows? Tomorrow could be the best day of my life! The entire week could be the best week I've ever had! The entire year could be the best year yet!

 

Today could be the last day I'll ever experience discord.

 

There's nothing I need to do! I don't need to heal anything! I don't need to be on a healing quest! I don't need fixing!

 

There's nothing I need to do about discord! Not even meditate or do the scale or anything!

 

There is no mountain! The mountain is a thought held and felt now!

 

What's called "depression" is really just that one thought about a mountain and how that thought feels now.

 

[Blessed2]

"Self cannot get out of self."

 

What comes to mind is a simple image of a circle. Like the one the Zen masters like to draw.

 

The self keeps on selfing. Like a table keeps on tableing.

 

But it's not me.

 

I am aware of thoughts about a second self. But that second self is obviously not me. I am always prior to.

[Phil]

 

 

[Blessed2]

A few buckets of the loophole powder arrived today. Been eating like shit lately, and figured it would be good to take kind of like a loophole shake - fast/detox for a couple of days at least. Only the loophole shake, and some fruits.

 

I feel that it is good to my body, like for example, the loophole shake doesn't seem to cause any digestion problems (if I don't add bananas). It's obviously good for you. I add some pea protein (it would be too expensive and hard to only use the GOL powder, I have to order it from the states and it takes a few weeks to get here) and I also add some blueberries and peanut butter.

 

Though it almost makes me feel too light. Whereas a pizza or other heavy cooked foods like that give me this sort of sedation, the loophole shake doesn't do that at all. It's like a withdrawal or something. I feel like something is "missing" after drinking it. It doesn't give that feeling of sedation. I use the sedation to fall asleep and to suppress emotions. 

 

That's what makes the detox/fast so hard. There's an urge to eat something heavier and cooked.

 

About a year ago I went four days with only the loophole shake, and it was pretty crazy. At the same time I cut down to half a dose of my anti-depressant meds, so I'm not sure if it was the med withdrawal (probably was), but I started feeling kind of like having a flu. I also read Disappearance of the Universe at that time and it was very shocking and eye - opening too. So I felt shocked and like I had flu at the same time... And also probably very, very hightened energy from the loophole fast.

 

One funny thing about it was that my pee started smelling way "better" (healthier) at that time. It smelled like pee is intuitively speaking supposed to smell lol. Can't wait for that to happen this time.

 

Now I've been lowering the med dose more gradually, about 20% of the dose at a time. Today I lowered it again, and will go with this dose about 4 weeks. Let's see what happens. Hopefully won't experience depression or other symptoms.

 

[Blessed2]

I am experiencing the emotion pessimism.

 

Does it feel great, or not great?

 

Not great.

 

Therefore something is off about the thoughts that feel like pessimism.

 

Wanna share those thoughts?

 

It's that what I want isn't coming, at least not soon, and especially not right now. I want to have a lot of money. A LOT. If I had a lot of money, I could do what I want, have all the free time in the world. I could live where I want to live, have a big, beautiful house and another place somewhere in nature. And I'd have lots of free time to enjoy that nature. There also a lot of other things I would like to have, like relationships, a meaningful hobby etc.

 

But those things are not coming soon, or at all. Maybe something kind of nice, something little, could happen today. But not anything big.

 

I know, or intuit, that LoA is true. But I don't think that I could get aligned like that right now. So there's nothing fun to wait for. Nothing actually great coming.

 

It seems kind of impossible to get past this pessimism. It just seems so real, that there isn't anything to feel good about. And it seems so real that I can't become aligned.

 

Sometimes I try to draw some oracle cards or watch tarot readings just in case I could feel excited that something big that I want is coming soon. That's how hopeless I feel with it. But I kind of feel that those tarot readings aren't really "the way".

 

 

What id the "trap" I'm falling in here is the assumption that the good feeling I want comes from those objective outside things and situations?

 

Maybe. But now I'm feeling doubt or pessimism that even if I managed to turn it around and discover that good feeling in me rather than objective experience, tomorrow I'd lose it and fall back down this pit.

 

I'm holding thoughts that I need to heal myself. That I need to change some beliefs that are deep in my mind and that it takes a lot of time and work and waiting to have it healed.

 

Remember what you've heard about feeling so many times? That it's guidance.

 

So this feeling of pessimism and doubt tells you that the thought that you are to be healed isn't true.

 

Okay, I kinda get that. I'm open to the possibility that those thoughts are literally just not true, like the matrix in that movie. Or santa clause.

 

That I'm really the quantum field, infinite, complete, already whole.

 

Just holding thoughts about a separate self, a dream-character. Living a limited life.

 

This interpretation does feel better.

 

But why is there no "juice"?

 

It would be so much more awesome to actually win the lottery.

 

You know what I'd like? To feel so god damn aligned and knowing, like in a lucid dream, that I could right now just go to the lottery website and buy a ticket and just wait a couple of days being certain that I'll win the jackpot.

 

That thought that that's impossible feels like: despair, doubt, pessimism.

 

Great or not great?

 

Not great.

 

So what's feeling telling you?

 

That the thought is not true. But how is that not true?

 

How does the quantum field fit into this?

 

Maybe that doing the lottery thing isn't a big deal at all to the QF. And also that it's kind of ridiculous how seriously you're taking it. A hundred million dollars is basically nothing to the Field.

 

Are the quantum angels laughing at me?

 

Hmm. But... If a hunder million bucks isn't really anything, if it's not a big deal, then what is?

 

It just seems kind of boring. If there's something "better" to create with or as the Field, what is it? What is there to do in this world? Just sitting in a park and watching snowflakes fall?

 

Are you saying that you're experiencing boredom?

 

I'm not sure, maybe. Let's say that I am.

 

What's the emotion boredom telling you?

 

That I'm already full as the quantum field.

 

Yeah, you are the quantum field.

 

You are not this character. You are The Field.

 

That's great news. If I was that character, I'd experience unworthiness and insecurity every day.

 

What's the quantum field doing?

 

It isn't doing anything. Not really. Or maybe it's appearing as this world. Impersonally.

 

See how you've been taking the burden of the creator, when it's not you? I mean it's not the character. The character is not the creator.

 

So maybe what you want is to kinda "hand it over" to The Field?

 

That sounds nice. I've noticed that something feels off about the LoA thing. It feels like a burden, something I must do. That I'd have to know what I want.

 

It would feel better to hand the whole thing over to the Field. All of it. I don't want to be the creator. I just want to sit back and enjoy the ride. It probably has some good things in store for me, and maybe I don't even have to know what those things are. Like when you go to a restaurant or a bar and say "surprise me". Maybe the Field knows what I want even better than I do.

 

That does feel better than the old interpretation. But that doesn't sound quite the same as what Phil and some others seem to be saying.

 

Listen to your feeling rather than what others say.

 

So just sit back and see what the Field comes up with?

 

Well doesn't that feel much better?

 

It does.

 

It seems about the time for evening meditation. And I gotta go to bed too. Let's see if I manage to wake up at 5am for morning gym and meditation.

 

[Blessed2]

@Mandy Can you change the word "journey" to "journal" in the name of this thread? 😁

[Blessed2]

23 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

@Mandy Can you change the word "journey" to "journal" in the name of this thread? 😁

 

@Mandy Did you see that?

 

I mean the title of this thread btw. Not "in the name" like "in the name of God" or something. 😂

[Mandy]

@Blessed2 Sure. It's probably fine because it's journal but title changes should be used sparingly if at it because it can potentially add a lot of confusion to forum users.