blessed journal

[Blessed2]

9 minutes ago, Mandy said:

@Blessed2 Sure. It's probably fine because it's journal but title changes should be used sparingly if at it because it can potentially add a lot of confusion to forum users. 

 

Oh, sorry, didn't think of that. But thanks!

[Alexander]

Wanted to thank you.I just got my first project before even opening my company.Thank you for putting me on the dreamboard.I will achieve that result.Will inform you when my net worth reaches 1 mil.

I am sending you blessings in order that your dreams come true too.

[Blessed2]

3 hours ago, Alexander said:

Wanted to thank you.I just got my first project before even opening my company.Thank you for putting me on the dreamboard.I will achieve that result.Will inform you when my net worth reaches 1 mil.

I am sending you blessings in order that your dreams come true too.

 

Can't say it was me. 🤷

[Blessed2]

I'm experiencing some discouragement and worry in that there seems to be tons of "burden" (discordant thoughts / interpretations) going on today, yet I don't want to express it. Seems like too much work or effort to go through it all.

 

If I don't express or go through it, will it just come back again later to be worked through?

 

This burden consists of:

 

- The drinking. I've been spending way too much money on drinking and while drunk, it's taking a serious toll on my finances. Also, the habit goes against well-being and success in general. I skip school, I don't sleep well, it takes a toll on my energy levels and health.

 

Like Phil mentioned, there seems to be a belief at play that this alcoholism is better than being sober. How I see it... I'd have to find a vision of sobiety that feels better than drinking. Then it would just be a walk in a park, to quit.

 

But it seems like in sobriety there would be more boredom. Lots of nights without nothing fun to do or to experience.

 

And also, it seems like sober I'd be more boring company. I'd be more shy. Not really that exciting/fun person to have a party with.

 

Also... If I keep drinking, if I open the bottle tomorrow and the day after tomorrow or a week from now... Am I really on the path to what I want? Or is it "all for nothing"? Am I really creating anything if I'm not creating sobriety? Discouragement. Is it all just pointless nonsense, fake "progress" if I'm not sober? It's like this drinking is a "measure" whether my insights are true or not, whether it's legit. Can't take them seriously if I can't even stop drinking.

 

- Insecurity and guilt. I felt these today a lot. What do others think about me? Am I doing something cringe? Am I bad company? Do others feel good with me? Did I do something wrong? What if I cause disappointment?

 

- Worry/fear. Will I be able to pay my rent and buy christmas gifts the next month?

 

 

Edited November 30, 2023 by Blessed2

[Blessed2]

I'm experiencing discord and I don't want to even talk about what emotion is it because it's so frustrating to try to fix it. So probably irritation, impatience and frustration.

 

Right now seems so pointless. There isn't anything fun coming. Like for example, my girlfriend just got a new phone so she has something fun to focus on, but I don't have anything.

 

I experience this tension and stress because it's so god damn boring and pointless because there isn't anything to feel good about. I'd drink, but I have to try not to drink.

 

Probably most of my addictions come from running away from this feeling of impatience, irritation, pessimism and boredom. Like overspending etc. To buy a new object takes the focus off from these thoughts momentarily. But it's not a good way. Cause the feeling always comes back.

 

It seems so true that right now is pointless and there isn't anything fun today.

 

Always looking to feel good about some experience. If it's not a new object, a relationship, some drug, then "the last resort" is to experience some kind of mystical state or insight.

 

I got really irritated and angry with my girlfriend a moment ago. I feel that quite often. I might even feel irritated if she makes a simple noice, like a cough or a yawn. Especially when "I'm trying to focus", meaning when I'm trying to get rid of the feeling by thinking, resolving it.

 

My dad gets irritated easily too, and his dad. It seems to "run in the family". No-one likes that habit, obviously.

 

I'm expressing here, but is it getting any better? Is this helping at all? Is it just going to be the same tomorrow, and the day after that and after that?

 

I carry so much weight around. Noticed it last night. Like constant stress. Constant impatience. Constant hurry to get somewhere else. I walk really fast. I constantly try to find something to bury these feelings. Food, alcohol, movies, objects.

 

A thought came in mind, "Christmas Magic is the opposite of this (impatience, irritation, stress, hurry)". Seeking good feeling from outside objects and experiences.

 

Having hard time seeing how these emotions are guidance. Like, how does Source or the quantum field not get impatient and bored?

 

How does the Field "fill that hole"... Without getting it from some object or experience?

 

It seems impossible.

 

I wonder if it's ever going to get better, or am I going to keep running after objects and experiences and getting irritated and angry.

 

Would love for it to be a magic christmas this year.

 

[Blessed2]

Woke up some time ago. Figured to try expressing right off the bat.

 

What am I feeling?

 

Discouragement perhaps.

 

There seems to be a mountain of 'work' ahead. So much to fix, so much to heal. As I think of the future, I just see loads of pain and hardship to get by.

 

No wonder it doesn't feel good.

 

What's the feeling telling me?

 

That the thought is not true.

 

So there isn't a mountain of work and hardship ahead?

 

No. There's really just "today".

 

The only "time" you need to "worry about" is now.

 

 

I'm trying to "get into this moment". I'm trying to get the insight that there's only this moment.

 

How does that feel?

 

Frustration. Powerlessness. Despair. Pessimism.

 

Great, or not great?

 

Not great.

 

What's the feeling telling you?

 

That the thought is not true.

 

There isn't that character who would "get that insight".

 

Inward oriented vs. outward oriented.

 

Inward oriented thoughts beget endless despair and helplessness.

 

Outward oriented thoughts beget no self, no problem.

 

 

That's pretty good. Feeling better already.

 

What are you feeling?

 

Really wouldn't like to say it, cause I've tried to work it and it never works, but it seems like impatience and pessimism.

 

Oh yeah that's impatience and pessimism alright.

 

Great, or not great?

 

Not great.

 

What's feeling telling you?

 

That the thought is not true.

 

Still that character in time in there.

 

I also notice doubt.

 

Great, or not great?

 

Not great.

 

Doubt is an interesting one. What is the guidance of the emotion doubt?

 

That the emotion doubt is guidance for the thought being not true is pretty awesome and uplifting. But I'm not seeing how that thought could not be true.

 

YOU'RE NOT A CHARACTER IN TIME.

 

You think it's you who's doing it? You think it was Eminem who made his success and created all those mansions? You think it's Eminem, the character, who does it?

 

Could Eminem build a mansion from scratch? Could any individual really do that?

 

 

 

A few hours later....

 

What am I feeling?

 

Pessimism.

 

How so?

 

There seems to be nothing fun to expect tonight. So I just see a boring day ahead. I experience a wanting to drink. But that's not a good idea.

 

Does that thought feel great, or not great?

 

Not great.

 

What's the feeling telling you?

 

That the thought is not true I guess. But it seems so true. This problem seems so true. Can't see a way out of it.

 

Let me give you a bit of advice. As you go along your day... As discordant thoughts come up, take a moment before going down with them, relax, just relax. Note that you are experiencing the emotion right now. Even if you decide to drink, take a moment to just rest and relax.

 

Rather than trying to fix anything, just acknowledge what is, what you are feeling.

[Phil]

This might be a key insight:

 

Focusing on thoughts about presence or being present is focusing on thoughts. 

Focusing on perception and or sensation, is not focusing on thoughts. 

[Blessed2]

20 hours ago, Phil said:

Focusing on thoughts about presence or being present is focusing on thoughts. 

Focusing on perception and or sensation, is not focusing on thoughts. 

 

I wonder why/how it seems like focusing on perception and sensation requires effort and focusing on thoughts seems like it happens effortlessly by itself.

 

[Blessed2]

Not feeling good at all today. Worry. Guilt.

 

 

[Blessed2]

Interesting how there isn't any actual border in the sensation of the body.

 

Like for example the toes. In sensation there isn't a border of toes "ending".

 

It's only implied in thought.

[Phil]

@Blessed2

There is no why or how, as that is more thoughts. It seems like it, only in accordance with the thoughts, that it seems like that. 

In actuality, it’s not like that. Or, “it’s like that” in so far as, there is an experience of those arising thoughts. 

 

“Requires effort” is just like “the toes”. 🙂

 

Do you ‘see’ that is why worry & guilt are felt?

[Blessed2]

I'm experiencing the emotion guilt. I'm experiencing the emotion pessimism. I'm experiencing the emotion powerlessness. I'm experiencing the emotion disappointment. I'm experiencing the emotion overwhelment.

 

Does it feel great or not great?

 

Not great. At all.

 

I've been trying to focus on sensation and perception today.

 

But it's been a shitty day.

 

So shitty.

 

I carry all these worries around.

 

I believe the thoughts. I believe I have problems. I believe my life it at stake. I believe I'm the doer. I believe I'm this guy and have this guy's problems.

 

And I believe it's acute. Can't just 'be in the moment' and let it go. Can't let myself be. I need to fix the problems.

 

I think I feel shame.

 

If I'd let go the wheel, I wouldn't be ready to prevent people from seeing the shameful things in my life.

 

I'm experiencing the emotion impatience.

 

It takes so much time to go through the entire scale.

 

I experience the emotion discouragement.

 

I don't want to even try it. It's not going to work. And I'll just feel worse.

 

I experience the emotion boredom or pessimism. Not sure.

 

If I don't experience the highest emotions, then I'm creating nothing and it's a pointless evening.

 

 

[Blessed2]

Having bad days and experiencing intense feelings like this might also have to do with quitting antidepressants... I lowered the dose again a few days ago.

 

I so notice that lately my emotions have been getting "clearer". In that sense I've actually felt "happier" too.

 

[Blessed2]

The character and the movie screen thing has also been getting kind of clearer lately.

 

Oddly enough... Right now I feel slight hopefulness and even positive expectation... That the character and the screen thing will be noticed sooner or later. That the happiness I want will be.

 

It really is as simple as just acknowledging discord as it comes up. Acknowledging that it is guidance.

[Blessed2]

I've often experienced thoughts that I don't have a deep passion or an interest to anything but now I got a new thought that feels like fresh air. Maybe I do have that passion & drive, but it just doesn't look like what I've been expecting, wanting or believing it should look like.

 

But maybe it's just gone unnoticed.

[Blessed2]

Just saw a great video on conscious creating and winning the lottery. It gave the same message I've been contemplating before... That playing the lottery is actually a pretty great way to explore your relationship with the idea of abundance and to spot discordant beliefs.

 

What's being spotted as discordant right now is that I don't want abundance to be something that I lack now and could or would get in the future. It cannot be something that's in doubt. Only that boundless abundance is already the case is ample. It's the only "relationship" with abundance that makes sense.

 

The same way as now is already now, abundance must be, and cannot not be, already.

[Blessed2]

@Phil In some thread (can't remember which one) we had a conversation about chakras and how 'alignment' in terms of chakras is 'flowing outward' rather than 'inward'.

 

Like for example, alignment with "meaning" in terms of chakras might look like the solar plexus flowing outward rather than inward.

 

How does this "look like" in the third eye?

 

If in solar plexus the 'outward' flow looks like "meaning" is not coming from outside, but from me as I already am... How does that 'outward vs. inward' look like with the third eye?

[Phil]

15 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:

@Phil In some thread (can't remember which one) we had a conversation about chakras and how 'alignment' in terms of chakras is 'flowing outward' rather than 'inward'.

 

Like for example, alignment with "meaning" in terms of chakras might look like the solar plexus flowing outward rather than inward.

Generally, alignment of chakras is more of all spinning in the same direction. I don’t know what chakras aligned with meaning is or would be like. 

 

15 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:

 

How does this "look like" in the third eye?

The third eye isn’t a visual sensory reference. That there even are chakras is indicative of the opening of the third eye, but not at all contingent. A third eye could open and there never be any interest or experience of chakras at all. 

 

15 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:

 

If in solar plexus the 'outward' flow looks like "meaning" is not coming from outside, but from me as I already am... How does that 'outward vs. inward' look like with the third eye?

I’m not really sure that all goes together such that there’s an answer. 😂 🤷‍♂️ 

 

 

 

[Blessed2]

It's interesting how it seems that I'm constantly waiting for some future time to get on with it.

 

Some future time when the state of affair is right for feeling happiness.

 

Some future moment to address my issues.

 

 

Not sure though if I have much power to stop waiting. If I have what it takes (so to speak) to do it today.

 

I have power to simply notice it though. To observe the waiting.

 

Maybe these thoughts are just thoughts too. That feels really good.

 

Like taking the stance of the observer is itself "not waiting" anymore.

 

Oh boy do I want to just sit back and watch this character from afar. Like that it wouldn't be me anymore. I don't want to be this character. I want to be the observer.

 

The observer is already healed & whole.

 

As the observer I have a great laugh with you guys, at the ridiculous, yet innocent confusions, assumptions, ideas and shortcomings of the character.

 

Something seems to "suck" me back in though, to fear, insecurity, worry, shame.

Edited December 8, 2023 by Blessed2

[Phil]

Yeah. Self referential thoughts are quite sneaky.