will of the heart

[ivankiss]

Packed all my stuff. Moving into the apartment tonight after my shift ends. I got the room for a nice price, I'm quite satisfied. Not to mention all the sex I'll be having lol.

 

Finally, things are moving forward.

[ivankiss]

Things got super deep, super fast between me and this girl. I have to be very careful. I don't want this to go in the direction I see it could go.

 

I cannot give my whole self to this. I cannot let her completely in. I must choose myself over this. Or else I'll end up repeating history.

 

It's soo good and so beautiful, it's potentially very dangerous. I must stay on track and establish strong boundaries.

 

We had an incredibly deep and lovely and fun talk about it all, last night. She wants to go all in. But she understands and respects my decision not to do the same.

 

We love each other so much, it's very obvious. But this cannot last. 20 days and I'm out.

 

It will be painful in any case, but it does not have to be completely devastating. That can only happen if I was to love her completely selflessly. 

Edited September 7, 2022 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

It's a test, really. That's what it is.

 

Will I choose this, just to fill the void, and potentially end up destroying myself over it...?

 

Or

 

Will I resist the temptation and choose myself, even if that means moving on with a hole in my heart...?

 

I know what's the right thing to do here. I simply must stick to it.

[ivankiss]

This girls is just dreamy. 

 

I've never had sex this crazy, never made love to someone this passionately, never talked to someone this deeply, never was this intellectually stimulated by another, never been this soft and tender and intimate with anyone.

 

She did so much stuff in her life. She used to teach yoga, traveled a lot, lived all over the place, is highly educated, is into investments, used to be a financial advisor, currently teaches english and works as a florist... The list goes on and on...

 

It will be difficult, but I must resist this. Or else I'll end up being her little bitch haha! 

[ivankiss]

And she... well, she never felt anything like this ever before, either. She was never loved this deeply. And that's with me holding back...

 

She never had this many and this intense orgasms, she never connected to anyone this deeply, this fast, she has never been with someone who lives and breathes for their purpose. She straight up told me that she sees me as a creator. As God. A true artist.

 

It's flattering beyond description, and it feels so good to be seen, recognized, valued and appreciated... but I cannot let it get into my head. I know myself and my wild imagination. It's not healthy for me to get totally drunk on this.

 

This is love, no doubt about that. A very pure and mature version of it, too. We both reached a certain point on our journeys to attract something this good. But it's only passing by. It's not here to stay. Perhaps that makes it even more magical.

[ivankiss]

I'm not only living with an incredibly hot and intelligent girl, I'm also living with artists and musicians. Which is very, very cool. It's definitely something I've been wishing for often. 

[ivankiss]

Man... it's been a while since I've been starting my day with a blowjob haha! Been a while since I was falling asleep and waking up with someone by my side. It's beautiful.

[ivankiss]

Ok, looks like I'm sobering up slowly from this experience. It hit fucking hard haha! 

 

It's clear to me that this could not work long term. It's perfect for this phase. It's a perfect ending of this chapter. But it is meant to be left behind. It's not meant to last. It's almost like a graduation of some sort.

 

I'm not feeling a pull towards changing my path anymore. I'm not having thoughts about staying here. I'm leaving in October for sure. It's the right thing to do. Mostly for me, but even she will benefit from it. It's a lesson for both of us and it can only be learned if I go.

[Mandy]

@ivankiss What's the lesson you'll learn? 

[ivankiss]

@Mandy To trust and let go of things, no matter how captivating and intense they are. 

[Mandy]

@ivankiss Aren't you holding onto your planned path though, in your plan to let go of the girl? Not saying you're you're doing the wrong thing, just that sometimes we can commit to not commiting. 

[ivankiss]

@Mandy Not sure if I understand what you mean.

 

I am sticking to my initial plan of leaving this place in October and doing my thing. By staying here with this girl I would be betraying myself (yet again).

[Mandy]

@ivankiss I don't want to intrude in your journal too much, but sometimes getting a bigger perspective or "beginning with the end in mind" can sort out shorter term goals from true desires. Maybe you don't want actually want a relationship but if you do, are you stuck believing that you have to choose between one thing and another when in actuality, you can have both? That's all I'm gettin' at. Questioning assumptions.

[ivankiss]

@Mandy No worries, I appreciate your input. 

 

I'd love to have someone by my side and be in love, but I simply know this is not meant to last. It's an adventure of some sort. It's meant to catapult me into the next stage of my life. I simply know it. There are way too many signs.

 

Other than that, no matter how beautiful and smart this girl is, there are also quite a few things that I would consider as red flags. I do not see us being compatible long term.

Edited September 9, 2022 by ivankiss

[Mandy]

@ivankiss 👍 

 

 

[ivankiss]

Another absolutely beautiful night with this girl. We took a spontaneous trip to Italy, had a few shots, talked about everything that can be talked about. I actually enjoyed being a bit tipsy. It's been quite a while since I drunk alcohol, but I did not experience any unwanted effects.

 

Loved how free flowing and unplanned everything was. I really missed that. We spoke about relationships and us a lot. We were brutally honest with each other. Triggered each other a bit, here and there, but even that was enjoyable. Everything was clear and exposed. No bullshit.

 

Then we had some incredible sex again, of course. Fell asleep around 6 in the morning. Spent around 8 hours with each other. Time flies by super fast when we're together. 

 

I really love this girl. She's amazing. I'm very glad to see that I'm not becoming too attached or clingy or lost in fantasy. It's love with no strings attached. It seems healthy.

Edited September 10, 2022 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

Fooled around on the guitar with a roommate. A fellow guitarist. It was epic. The kid is super skilled for his age. He's only 19. Loved his enthusiasm. Great times.

 

About to make a nice dinner. Enjoying my day off a lot.

[ivankiss]

Woke up to a beautiful note next to the bed... She expressed her love in such a beautiful way in it. Left for work early... Definitely made my morning.

 

I'll keep it close to me wherever I go. 

 

God I love this girl.

 

 

[ivankiss]

Some great stuff from a good friend. Very grateful.

 

[ivankiss]

I have so much love to give it's ridiculous. That's why things always become this deep and intense and magical right away. I cannot help myself but see it that way.

 

But it's not just me, of course. It's also her. For sure. She's able to recognize, accept and reflect back that love. And that's huge. Not everyone is capable of that. 

 

It's almost as if I must love someone, or else I start deteriorating. For some reason, it's much harder to turn that love inwards. I need to project it 'out there'. After all, at the end of the day, it's just Love. No one is loving or being loved. It's just Love.