will of the heart

[ivankiss]

Holy shit. A very hot blond in her late thirties just tried to pick me up at work. Causal small talk quickly turned into hardcore flirting. So much sexual tension.

 

However, I playfully rejected, saying that my schedule is super tight and that I have to be back at work in two hours.

 

Shit! I'm kinda sorry now. I'm pretty sure she'd eat me alive if we hooked up haha. She was pure fire. But then again, I'm really not in that space right now. No time, no apartment, etc. But I mainly just chickened out lol. She was super straight forward, maybe even a bit too aggressive in her approach for my taste. Still, I was very attracted to her from the moment I saw her. She's cycling to France from here. What a bomb.

[ivankiss]

Huge dip on the chart, as predicted. 300 pips or so. It's tempting to buy, it would be a perfect entry right now, but there's a chance price is going to continue falling for a while. Think I will wait just a bit longer for some confirmations.

[ivankiss]

Fucking love this track. Absolutely brilliant.

The sickness of this world is destroying all the dreams
The fools are kings, tearing apart the soul
The race for complication, communicate reaction
The lack of heart of men, I grow distant from the core

 

Borrow this body for a lifetime
Earthly material
My soul unraveled out of mental
The shell returns to dust

 

I focus on the present, concentrate on what I find
Accelerate the vision high beyond the curse of time
Bring light to my attention, the walls of vacuum fall

This force increases and tells me where to go

 

Follow, I enter my dimension
Awakened heart for life
Enforce my senses, understanding
I find the will to live straight, oh

 

I feel the change, I see the vicious circle
Finally turned into a virtuous one
Having the whole world in my hands filled
Timelessness

 

Out of the frame, I feel so vast, I'm all around myself
Imaginative interaction
But I keep struggling inside to hold this always
Forever there

 

Is it the fear to fall in space that keeps us from understanding?
The only way to find the power is to look inside
Increase your fall on purpose and let this river flow
Now you hold this secret appeared out of the vacuum of space
Remain in what you are, the center of your life
You made it to this point, no one can tell you how
You crawled and bled all the way, but you were the only one that
Was tearing your soul apart, you finally find yourself

[ivankiss]

Still no opportunities for an entry. Barely any movement on the chart today. Looks like price is going to continue falling though. 

[ivankiss]

By moving to Serbia I'd actually be doubling or even tripling the money that I saved up. It's that much cheaper to live there. So I think I'm thinking smart here. Live at a cheap place, make more and more money, until I can choose to live pretty much anywhere. It might take a few months or even years, but what matters the most is that I'll be doing only what I love to do. Nothing against my will. No resistance, only flow.

 

Looking forward to making it happen. I really think it's my best option.

 

[ivankiss]

See, this is the problem that I have. This is why having a day job is killing my creativity and directly preventing me from being in true flow and making magic happen.

 

I come home at 11pm, not being myself at all, due to all the fucking stress and running around and doing meaningless shit at my job. I take a shower, maybe eat something, and then spend a solid hour or so unwinding, releasing all that tension from my being. Trying to be actually me again. By that time it's 1am or so. Finally. Silence, peace, breath. Relaxed and feeling good. There is some space for inspiration and creativity to come into being. I pick up the guitar, play around a bit and get something really good going. Like, really good. Something true. Something honest and real. Something from the heart. And then, oh fuck, would you look at that. It's fucking 2am. I gotta go sleep and do the whole fucking bullshit the next day. If I god forbid sleep less than 6 or 7 hours, my day will be that much more awful.

 

Fuck this fucking shit.

 

This is nothing new to me. I realized this many years ago, and almost made it out. But then that lame ass relationship got in my way and completely destroyed me. And now I'm trying to get back on track and do this for real. Once and for all. I simply cannot do anything else but music, if I want to do it properly. I must live it, eat it, breathe it, be it. I must be fully immersed. True creativity cannot happen on command, or when I have 'an hour to spare', or when whatever the heck. It cannot be compromised. It simply strikes when it does and you must act on it right away. There simply must not be anything in the fucking way.

 

God does this frustrate me. I just want to fucking create, damnit. But there's all this stupid other shit that I must do to be able to survive in this broken world.  There's all this noise and distractions, bombarding me from left and right, non stop. 

 

I will find a way out of this madness - that I fucking swear. This is not how I'm meant to be. This is not who or what I am. 

Edited August 18, 2022 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

6 years old. I was fucking 6 years old when I figured out exactly what I want to do in this life. And 11 years old when I became real serious about it. Obsessed. It was as clear as it can be to me: this is what I want to dedicate my life to. This is what I want to give my whole self to.

 

I'm turning 28 in two days. For more than 20 years I've been dealing with all this bullshit  trying to stop me or change my mind. Starting with my dear family. Everyone was telling me since day one that it's just a hobby, that music won't pay the bills and all that crap. Everyone was trying to kill my dream and send me down a path that was suffocating me. Why? Why the fuck would you do that? Why not support a child who is clearly gifted and passionate beyond words for something? 'Only one in a million makes it' - they used to say. What a fucking truckload of shit. It couldn't be further from the truth. But naive and impressionable as I was as a child, I believed them. And not even fully, really, but still, it kinda got ingrained, despite my efforts to prove the contrary. It's not a fucking hobby. It's literally why I was put on this planet. It's literally why I live and breathe. It's a life long mission. It's my purpose. It's what I was born to do.

 

It seems as if everything was working against me my whole life, trying to break me and make me give up. But that just simply is not possible. No matter what life throws at me. Nothing can stop me. Nothing can extinguish this flame. It burns stronger than all of it combined. Not even the biggest heartbreak and deepest devastation could stop me. Not even the realization that all of this is nothing and none of it matters. Not even losing everything and not knowing whether I'll have food to eat and water to drink. Not even everyone turning their back on me. Absolutely nothing can stop this flame from burning. Heaven is on my side. It's too pure and true for anything to stand a chance.

 

I fell a lot of times. And this last fall was the biggest so far. But I keep getting up and coming back. True love cannot be stopped, ever.

 

It's time to make this happen. I know it is.

[ivankiss]

It comes from the depths
of a place unknown to the keeper of dreams
if it could then it would steal
the sun and the moon from the sky beware

Human at sight, monster at heart
don't let it inside it could
tear you right apart

No guilt, it feeds in plain sight
Spirit Crusher
Stay strong and hold on tight
Spirit Crusher

Speaking in killing words

The vicious kind that crush and kill
no mercy, its pleasure to taste
The blood that it bled

When it's time to feed to fulfill
the need to consume a breath
some will rise standing tall
breathing out all the breath from
the voice of a soul

[ivankiss]

Truth is, if you're coming from nothing and have no support system, or barely any, you're going to struggle pretty damn hard to make your dreams come true. No amount of dreambording, no LOA, no witchcraft or anything like that will do it for you. You're going to have to bleed for it. There's going to be all kinds of things trying to bring you down and kill your vision. There's going to be all kinds of people trying to screw you over or distract you. And you'll have to overcome all of it. You're going to have to work through all the shit that you adopted and absorbed , find yourself, go out there and make it happen. You're gonna have to fail an x amount of times and not give up, until you make it happen. You're gonna have to eat quite some shit. That's just how it is.

 

LOA and dreambording looks great on paper. If only things were so simple and straightforward. Everyone would live their dream lives. But it's all mainly just bullshit. A tool to assist you, if anything. But not do the job for or instead of you. 

 

Is an innocent child that dies in a car accident or in a war a vibrational match for that reality? Was that on its dreamboard? Was being crucified and brutally murdered on Jesus's dreamboard? Or did he forget to check the other side of the board? Maybe on one side it was liberation, heaven and peace on earth and on the other it was mayhem. Come on. It's bullshit and you all know it.

 

Work through your trauma or anything that's holding you back. Connect to your inner truth and simply make it happen. You need nothing else.

[ivankiss]

I feel the best and have the most clarity right after I wake up from my afternoon nap. And maybe an hour or so before I fall asleep at night.

 

As soon as my nervous system gets overwhelmed, I lose myself and become this distorted, burnt out version of me that's fed up with everything. It's just sensory overload, that's what it is. And it's impossible not to get overwhelmed during busy hours at work. It seems as if there's no way around abandoning my truth and then trying to catch my breath and be me again, once work is over.

 

It's like shattering a crystal, every day, and then trying to glue it back together, as soon as there's some silence and space.

 

Quite sad to watch, actually.

[ivankiss]

Did not open a trade this whole week. Bummer. I expected to make at least a hundred pips or so. But at least I did not do anything stupid and lose money. If uncertain, simply don't trade.

 

There was a reversal this week, and even though I 'predicted it', I was not comfortable selling. Guess I was still buy biased and the picture was not that clear until it was kinda too late to enter the market.

 

Being this burnt out and frustrated is not helping with trading either. Of course I'm not as focused as I could be.

 

Oh well. Let's see what happens next week. It looks like price is going to keep falling for a while.

[ivankiss]

40 more days left till the end of this phase. The end this transformation. The end of this chapter.

 

Days are flying by fast, but it's not becoming any easier. I resist a lot and don't feel myself most of the time. But that actually makes sense.

 

Can't wait to complete this and look back at it from a new standpoint. I know I'll be very proud of myself.

[ivankiss]

... And I just turned 28. Nice.

 

Doing absolutely nothing special, chilling on the couch just like any other day, working tomorrow morning just like any other Sunday. Not celebrating or catching up with anybody. There will be plenty of time to celebrate once I'm done with this stuff here.

 

If I was to make a birthday wish, it would be to be healthy and at peace, and also make some decent money with trading. Basically, I wish for everything that I'm already working for and walking towards.

 

Happy birthday you sexy mofo. Love ya so very much.

[ivankiss]

Well, work sucked a bit less today, then it sucked quite a lot, and then a bit less again. Sundays are usually much more crazy, so I'll take this as God giving me a little break on my birthday lol.

 

Hoping to have some will left and maybe some inspiration to fool around with music tonight. However, I pretty much made peace with the fact that my real musical journey will begin once this phase is over and I move to Serbia. Not having my own place right now is a huge factor too, beside this shitty job.

 

Tomorrow I have an appointment at the dentist again. And then two more appointments before the end of the month. Soon all of my teeth will be nice and healthy. Finally. I waited so long.

 

Feeling ok right now. Not super good or anything, but ok. Missing some female company, quite a lot. I feel like I'll truly be ready for a new relationship once this is all done. I waited nearly two years. It wasn't easy, but I did the right thing. Rushing into a relationship before sorting my shit out would have been a big mistake. But I cannot lie, I really want someone by my side now. It's almost time.

Edited August 21, 2022 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

A true masterpiece right here. Too damn beautiful.

How did they find me?
How did they know?
This misconception of fate
I'm about to let go

Awake in a new light, I'm
Alone in this room
Heavy at heart, it may be a lie
You will not see me

It's a new day
(Why did they follow me home?)
It's a new day

One
More
Step, it's
Here waiting for you, now
Go
Slow, take your time

Leave
No
Mark
You lost your way
I hope you're watching me

Celebrating
For the one so free
You lost your way
No-one held you back from me

How do you all
Speak
With a lying tongue?
How do we all
Sleep
With a dying sun?

Sit down
Lighten your own
This storm is coming
You should stay home
But I feel warm

Hey, let's get lost in the crowd, while
Searching for something worth holding
Hey, let's get still lost in the crowd
I'll show you so much more
Much more
So much more
So much more

Are we waiting?
For the savior?
Someone to heal this
Or erase us

It's a new day
It's a new day
It's a new day

Are we waiting?
For the savior?
I'm so sick of waiting
I've been waiting my whole life

This is a new day
This is a new day
This is a new day

[ivankiss]

Clearly, I have this belief that money comes only with hardcore physical labour. By breaking myself in half. And I know that's false. 

 

Most of the people I know believe the same, and don't even have space in their minds for other options to occur. They cannot even start to think about another way. So it's no surprise they're looking at me like I'm nuts when I say that I want to earn online, wherever I am in the world. It also makes perfect sense that they're opposing me, quite aggressively, trying to keep me believing the same shit and not doing anything new. It's exactly like that analogy with the crab trying to escape from the bucket, and other crabs pulling it down. I've been experiencing that first hand, for a while now.

 

It pisses me off, and more often than not I get very defensive, trying too damn hard to make them see that there are other ways, etc. It's literally just me fighting against my own belief that I want to eliminate, and other people are like flashcards representing that belief.

 

Maybe it's smarter to be silent and simply keep doing my thing. I don't need to tell anyone anything. 

Edited August 23, 2022 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

God... I really, really want a goth/alt looking girlfriend. 

 

I was never too picky or anything in the past, when it came to dating. But now I want to be quite specific. I have preferences, and there's nothing wrong with that. It's simply what turns me on.

[ivankiss]

Finally. Reversal confirmation. Trend is going to be bullish for a while. Now it's only a matter of finding a nice entry point.

[ivankiss]

So I'm 28 now, and one of the best decisions I made in my life so far is not to get married or have kids yet. I'm quite anti marriage in general, but I do like the idea of having kids and a family one day. When I'm 35 or so, perhaps.

 

Folks, please don't have kids until you figure your shit out. You're inevitably going to fuck them up, and might not even know it. You're also going to make your own life miserable. My mother had me at 18. And her mother had her at 18. It did not go too well. Both failed so much when it comes to parenting. Both divorced. Lots of abuse and stuff. Tons of trauma. And now they're both miserable and still have not figured out their shit. 

 

I'm grateful for the life my mother gave me and I'm grateful for everything she did to bring me up. I know she tried hard. But you are simply too young, too immature and simply put too stupid to raise a child properly at that age.

 

Find yourself. Heal your heart. Get your mindset right. Make a nice nest and have your life sorted out. Then start thinking of having kids.

 

[ivankiss]

Position opened. Not the best entry ever, but it's a sure trade, I'd say.