will of the heart

[ivankiss]

Shit. Last night was wild. It just does not stop being good! Haha! 

 

When it comes to sex, it simply does not get any better than this. It's everything that I could ask for. It's the highest vision for my sex-life. I really don't see how anything could top this.

 

Everything else is on a very high level too, but sex... sex with this girl is just otherworldly.

[ivankiss]

I proposed to take a break. Two days of no sex. Simply because I want to be more sensitive down there. She is kinda sore too. 

 

It will be difficult, because we turn each other on like hell, simply by being around each other. But it's doable. It will do us good. On Friday we're kinda planning a special night, looking forward to that. This will be a nice long build up.

 

I'm going to focus a bit more on my stuff in these two days. I might start recording something.

[ivankiss]

One thing I did not mention about this girl, is that she's quite fucking rich haha! She has some serious money in Russia and Australia. All kinds of investments in shares and whatnot. And that, is quite intimidating. I cannot help myself but feel not accomplished enough by her side. Inferior and inadequate, in a sense.

 

That's another big thing that would be hard to swallow if I was to be with her. But what's funny, is that she actually wants a dynamic like that. She wants to be the money maker in the relationship and have a stay-at-home-husband, or something along those lines. She likes being super independent, but also has a thing for wearing the pants in the relationship. She's quite dominant in every sense, and surrendering herself to me during sex is only possible because, in her words, I've earned her respect. 

 

So yeah, there's that. She made a joke once or twice about buying me an apartment, a car and whatnot, and basically enabling me to do my shit in peace. I mean, what? Haha! It's the last thing that I'd do. I simply have too much pride. I want to accomplish things on my own. But still, it's flattering and quite surreal to experience. I was not expecting to come across something like this haha.

 

Apparently, her dad is involved in some Russian government mafia, and she's aspiring to become the president of Ukraine at some point. It's crazy, but for some reason, it's not hard for me to believe that she might really pull it off.

 

This girl is just something else.

[ivankiss]

In a sense, she's already living the life I'd like to live. She's free, has money, travels and moves all across the globe all the times, has friends visiting her from all around the world, great connections, accomplished tons of stuff, tried out tons of roles... and she's only now turning 30. It's just crazy!

 

It's difficult not to feel a bit envious. But I'm also just admiring the fuck out of her. 

 

And yes, I kinda, sorta tasted that way of living already, and it could be said that I went through and experienced quite a lot of things myself... but it's just not on that same level. She is really out there, in that sense.

[ivankiss]

She admitted that being 'superior' and 'above' is kind of a high for her. It's turning her on. But she's really not a dick about it... she's very cool and grounded. It's just the role she usually has in relationships. She also gets off of causing pain and misery to men in her life. She was quite open about that, and it was something I could sense right away. But for some reason, she says she's not interested in that sort of stuff with me. What we have is something else.

 

She also has a freaking sex slave in Australia. Haha! What?! I mean, there are quite a few things that I could not get over... it's really clear that we're supposed to enjoy each other's company short term, only. I'm super grateful for her crossing my path and I love how openly and honestly we can communicate all these things, not to mention all the incredible sex... but I really don't want to stick around too long haha. It's not good for me.

Edited September 14, 2022 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

I'm going to record a track for the other project I have, which is this tribal/meditative/rock thingy. My main project is just too complex and demanding when it comes to recording. I need to build a nice momentum to be able to record complex stuff like that. It's too big of a bite just now.

 

 

[ivankiss]

Been listening to a lot of dark jazz these days. This is one of my absolute favourite albums of all time: 

A true masterpiece. In every way imaginable.

 

Would love to experiment with a sound like this. It just takes me to places no other kind of music really does... It's so soothing, so intimate, so sexual, even... But also dramatic and dark as hell. It's so depressing and haunting, yet so comforting and beautiful. 

 

A perfect balance of everything. A true piece of art.

[ivankiss]

For some reason, or no reason at all, I like being depressed much more than I like being anxious. I can actually enjoy it. I can be at peace with it. I like how slow everything is, I like how my voice sounds, how few words are... I guess I like to be depressed. It feels very close to my true self. Just a step or two away. While being anxious feels very far away from it. It does not feel like me at all and it's nearly impossible to be comfortable with it and bathe in it.

 

So yeah.... Depression > anxiety

[ivankiss]

Absolutely amazing night. Been a while since I had this much fun. It was nice to see myself in that role again. Activated, charismatic and super social.

 

Sex was ridiculously good. I tied her down for the very first time. We completely lost ourselves in the roleplay. It was unreal.

[ivankiss]

God... she's just such an inspiration. I can hear her teaching English, right next to my room. She is just an absolute sweetheart. I love how she laughs. I love how easy going she is. Calm and grounded. I love how disciplined and professional she is. How articulated and smart.

 

God I will miss that laughter... 

 

This is so damn close to what I would call 'the one true love'. It's so damn familiar, and peaceful and real. It's so damn close to being absolutely 'it'. But it's not. I know it's not. It's just letting me know how close I am to that, actually. It's letting me know and see all the work that I've already done, to be able to attract something this good. And it's also letting me know that my work is not quite done yet. I have still some things to do before I can attract that one and only true love, embodied in one person.

 

I must become it, fully, before I can attracted someone who will reflect it back to me. 

 

Still... this is an absolute blessing... that's what it is. A huge gift. A 'thumbs up' from the Universe. I am grateful beyond words for this experience. 

 

So much love, so much beauty, so much fun. 

I feel like I'm in the best movie ever made, yet again.

 

 

[ivankiss]

The music I've been writing these past few months sounds so much more beautiful now. It's as if every single note has much more meaning to it now. I feel like I truly live and breathe this music. It's so damn personal and so damn beyond me at the same time. I am truly in love with this project.

 

It will take some more time until it fully comes to life, I know it will. But that's just how things work. Truly great things take time. Not always, but more often than not. What's important is that's it's all here, written black on white, and it's not going anywhere. Now it's simply a matter of getting myself in the right space from which I can bring this to life, properly and for real. Without rushing it, without forcing it, without sacrificing any aspect of its magnificence. This is masterfully written, and so it must be masterfully recorded, produced and marketed too.

 

So much love. I'm so grateful to be blessed with a purpose like this. I honestly feel like I'm working and cooperating with God directly, when I'm creating. It's really a holy experience.

Edited September 19, 2022 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

Yup. I am definitely in love again. She helped me find my way back to love. Its so beautiful.

 

And something tells me, I won't lose this once I move on. It will be so much easier to find my way, even if I get lost. This love is like a light tower.

 

I'm courageous enough to love again.

[ivankiss]

It's a no.

[ivankiss]

Solid week left till my departure. Days are flying by super fast.

 

We did quite a few things together. Partied, went out for dinners, talked a lot, etc. Sex is still amazing. We are definitely closer to each other. Emotions are deep and strong.

 

However, during this time, I kept noticing things that  I simply could not accept if we were to commit to a full blown relationship. She drinks too often/too much. She's kind of a party girl. Hangs out almost exclusively with guys. Is very flirtatious with everyone. Needs stimulation and attention all the time. Is heavily addicted to her phone, texting, dating apps, etc. I'm not too big on spiral dynamics, but if I was to look through that lense, she's as stage orange as it gets. Did not embark on a spiritual journey just yet, and I kinda got the sense she thinks it's all woo woo nonsense. She's very cerebral, rational and scientifically minded. This could be a nice balance, in a sense, but it could also lead to a lot of dissonance. Also, her taste in music sucks, big time. Haha!

 

There's a lot to like and admire about this girl. But we're simply just not that good of a match for a long term relationship. That's how I see it now at least.

 

She mentioned that she might come visit me, wherever I decide to go. I kinda wanted to cut contact when I leave. Close the door behind me. Eliminate the possibility of getting lost in fantasies about us finding each other, etc. But she really did not like that idea. She insisted that we stay in touch. 

 

Will see where this goes. Gotta start planning and organizing things for my departure soon.

Edited September 26, 2022 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

It seems like there's just no way around spending more money when you're seeing a girl lol. And we weren't even dating for real.

 

It kinda messed up my calculations for this next chapter of mine, but it's not too bad. I can still pull things off.

 

It was worth it. I look at it as a nice little vacation.

Edited September 26, 2022 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

I did not write about it lately, but I had some nice trades during this phase. Just closed a position. Very nice profit.

 

I'm withdrawing all the money from my trading account and depositing a larger amount once I move and start the next chapter.

[ivankiss]

God damnit... Another beautiful night spent together. It just doesn't stop being amazing. We keep unlocking these new depths and it keeps blowing our minds. 

 

We made love so passionately... it's the first time ever that I feel like my partner is on the same level as me. The first time that someone can truly follow me, in real time, naturally and effortlessly. And not only follow, but also initiate things and lead. We kinda switched things up at one point and I surrendered myself to her completely. She was the dominant one. It was super unusual for me, kinda uncomfortable at first, but after a while I started enjoying it. She loves to dominate.

 

It was this beautiful back and forth play of energy... exchange of power. Surrender and control. Just fucking perfect.

 

Fuck! I really love this girl... but I cannot be with her... fuuuuckk!

[ivankiss]

My car broke down. Great.

[ivankiss]

I've been counting on selling it and using that money when moving. There's a big chance that it's not worth fixing it. I'll have to sell it for parts, which is little to nothing.

 

It kinda changes everything, but also not really. I will still move, but I must keep working a day job.

 

And yes, of course it broke down just when I borrowed it to this girl. Fucking hell.

 

I never had luck with cars. I'm fucking sick and tired of them. I'm not buying another car until I can afford a brand new one. With older cars there's always problems. Every once in a while something breaks down. It's just not worth it. Unnecessary expenses. I'm far better off without a car.

[ivankiss]

Looks like it's just the turbine. I hope it is. That's not such a big deal to fix.