will of the heart

[ivankiss]

Price was going up slowly today, no retracements. Waiting for an entry point.

[ivankiss]

Bought the dip. Not the biggest retracement, not the best entry, but price is going up for sure.

[ivankiss]

Should I remain isolated
The only things to change are my inner most feelings

 

It's time to give up the rest
For coming back wild
None of this matters any longer

The bleakness of the landscape and the waste of time

 

I surrender
I surrender to temptation

 

It's time to give up the rest
For coming back wild
None of this matters any longer

 

Hypnotized, fascinated
Mesmerized and disturbed again
Transparency, isolate
Definitely I am at a loss

 

There's nothing, there's nothing to say
There's no need, there's no need to stay

 

It's time to give up the rest
For coming back wild
None of this matters any longer

 

It's my only way
To find peace someday
Forgetting myself
I still fade away

 

There's nothing to say
There's no need to stay

[ivankiss]

Slept only 6 hours or so last night, not feeling too good. Kinda irritated and fed up with everything.

 

Went to the bank the other day and changed my phone number, but this stupid app of theirs is still not working. It's still showing the same error, as if the bank has the wrong number. Fucking hell.

 

Restringed my guitar last night, plugged in after nearly a year or so. Was able to fool around with different tones a bit... it was cool. But I was not to excited. My spirit was not all that high.

 

I'm just too damn exhausted from all this shit. I want to hide and rest, for a very long time. Hide, not to be disturbed, and rest to heal.

[ivankiss]

Heck yeah! Huge move upwards. 90pips of profit. Nearly double than I've been expecting.

 

Beautiful trade.

[ivankiss]

Maybe the fact that I'm having difficulties with this online banking thing is a sign that I should not be spending all that money on VSTs right now. I wanted the highest quality of sound achievable and the most realistic sounding virtual instruments, but I know I can achieve a lot by using free plugins only. 

 

I've been thinking of going with electronic drums instead of acoustic. A lot more of clean guitar parts and less distortion/gain. More ambience. It would be a completely new direction, but I can see how it could work out very well. Something very cool and unique could come out. 

 

Another dilemma I have is, vocals or no vocals? And if yes, lyrics or no lyrics? I 'developed' this cool singing style in the past where I use a made up language. It flows super nice and it comes straight from the depths of my soul. It's really like a channeling. But then at times I also feel like I have a thing or two to actually say as well. It would be easier for the listener to connect to the track if there were lyrics too, though I don't like to think too much about the audience when I'm creating... 

 

Don't know... Might end up going with a combination of both. Actual lyrics and channeling as well.

 

Work with what you got, right?

[ivankiss]

My God... Bias FX2 has some absolutely out of this world beautiful tones. It's clear to me that this is what I should be using for my guitar sounds. However, I'm having some trouble loading it as a plugin in my DAW. It works only as a standalone. Maybe it's because my DAW cannot support it. Gotta figure this out.

 

Super fun time playing around tonight. Off to bed slowly.

[ivankiss]

Trading is going great so far. If I was trading with a big account, I'd be super rich haha! It's just that it's a bit too slow as of now. I suppose that's because I'm going only for trades that are absolutely sure. Hence I nearly have no losses whatsoever. And even when I do lose, I'm able to recover fast.

 

But yeah, in theory, I either have to risk a bit more and trade more frequently, or I keep this tempo and trade with more money.

 

I will not say I mastered this 100% just yet, but a solid 90% for sure. Feeling more and more confident about my abilities.

Edited August 11, 2022 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

Damnit. I accidentally saw a picture of my ex, and it shook me quite a bit. Not even a full picture, just a thumbnail of her profile picture. 

 

Fuck. She looked pretty. Fuck!

 

I took no contact super seriously. And that means not only no texting, calling or talking, but also no looking at her photos or anything like that. No contact whatsoever. I managed to pull it of for a solid year and a half. And now this. Damnit.

 

I don't like that it still gets to me. I still feel some pain from all the shit that went down. But I don't want to live in fear of seeing her or anything like that, either. I just want to not give a fuck, to put it simply.

 

What went down in that relationship plays a big role in this whole transformation thing of mine. I know I'm trying to prove to myself something by doing all this. That I am worthy. That I am capable. Etc. But she has no place in the equation really. I must eliminate that part. What I am doing, I am doing for me, only.

 

Hopefully these are the last strings that I'm severing, attached to what should have died long ago already.

Edited August 11, 2022 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

Super busy night at work. Extremely stressful. I was running around like a madman. But somehow, that's exactly what I needed to calm down after this incident with my ex lol. I managed to shake it off, or run it off, pretty quick.

 

I'm good now. Feeling back on track and clear headed. As much as I can be at least. No raging emotions.

 

I've been thinking, and it's pretty safe to say that I can eliminate two options from my list of possibilities. Asia and Italy.

 

I simply can't stay in Italy, it feels super off. I need to physically move forward, to move forward within as well. And Asia is just a bit too big of a leap for now. It can wait another year or two.

 

So that leaves me with 3 options:

 

Amsterdam

Slovenia (either Maribor or the capital)

Serbia (hometown)

 

And it should not be too hard to decide when the time comes. It's simple. If I want to stop working and only trade for living, I'm moving to Serbia. Simply because it's super cheap. And if I see that I still must continue grinding, I'm going for Amsterdam or Slovenia. Amsterdam would be a bit tougher to pull off, a lot to figure out, etc. But it would be a lot cooler than Slovenia. Slovenia is safe and known territory. Nothing to figure out. But it's just a little bit too expensive for me to stop working and live comfortably from trading just yet. So yeah, both options require more grinding, but are very different paths. And all of these 3 options resonate to some extent, for their own reasons, but none of them is an absolute yes just yet.

 

Let's see what happens.

 

[ivankiss]

Straight into the heart. 

You are a sun Goddess
Will you save me?
Hooray for you
Hooray

Now the rain it comes, the rain it blurs the grey line
The grey line... the Greyhound home
You are so vicious (Hurt me, I can take it)

'Cause it's all in the heat of the moment
It's all in the pain

Sonar, sonar again...

It's on again, (got no wings... gossamer wings...) on again...

You are a sun Goddess!
Will you save me? Pain... pain... pain...
'Cause it's all in the heat of the moment
It's all in the pain!
So give in to the heat of the moment
Give in to the pain!

[ivankiss]

I really think I'm not asking for much. I'm not aiming for the impossible here. Just a simple, fulfilling life, where I don't have to do stuff against my will, purely for survival.

 

Here's how a perfect day in my life looks like:

 

I wake up, do some basic self care and sit down to make music. I open a trade or two and make some money. Hit the gym. Make some nice food or eat out. Then back to making music. Then maybe hang out with some friends or a girlfriend. Have sex, talk about all kinds of things, maybe watch a movie. And that's basically it. All of my needs met, nothing too crazy or lavish. 

 

There's a window in October for me to make that happen. It could become reality very fast. And if I ignore that window, I might not get another chance for a while. So I'm pretty sure I'll go for it, even though it's a bit scary. I will stop working meaningless jobs and do what I love and enjoy, only. And if by any chance it does not work out,  going back to this grinding lifestyle will always be an option.

 

I must try at least.

[ivankiss]

So I guess that's it. I made up my mind. I'm going for what I truly want in October. Not working a lame ass, soul sucking job any longer.

 

I'm 90% sure I'll move to Serbia, at least for a few months, and get things going there. It could also be done in Slovenia, if I was to rent just a room instead of a full size apartment, but idk, it does not feel that right when I think about it. Will see.

 

This is my decision. Unless anything truly big and unexpected happens that changes things completely. If everything stays as it is now, I'm doing what I decided.

Edited August 12, 2022 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

Fuck yeah! Managed to load Bias FX2 in a new DAW! Now I've got all the tones I can and cannot possibly imagine at my fingertips. Awesome.

 

Tomorrow is my day off so I'll be spending it on getting to know my way around in this new DAW, and downloading a few more cool plugins. Basically getting everything ready for recording. 

 

Very happy for these tones!

[ivankiss]

Yes! Yesss! Yeesss! 

 

I feel it now! The spirit of absolute epicness is entering me! Haha! It's like I've been asleep for centuries and I'm now slowly waking up. It's so magical and divine! Pure joy and boundless creativity! Pure love! Heaven!

 

Oh yeah, take me, please!

 

Music is God. Period. It's just how it is.

[ivankiss]

Been missing some sloppy arpeggios in my life.

 

[ivankiss]

A big thing to be aware of when taking that first step towards freedom is that it will be uncomfortable at first, probably quite a bit, because I became so used to and accustomed to misery, suffering and this sick way of life. Living a free flowing life in joy and surrender will be a shock after all these years and years of operating through constant resistance.

 

I must expect and accept that. It might be a pretty big mindfuck at first. Maybe a part of me will also want to run back into that sickness, just because it is known. A lot of letting go will have to be done. 

 

This is something that anyone who survived some shit and flipped things around goes through - I'd say. It actually makes perfect sense.

 

Thank God there's this light, guiding me, showing me the way. 

[ivankiss]

Price is right on the major resistance line. I think the bullish momentum has exhausted itself and there's going to be a bigger dip. Not selling here however, it would be too risky. Price might break through the resistance too, in which case I'm waiting for a retracement.

[ivankiss]

Haha! Yup.

[ivankiss]

Did I say how much I hate my job already? I fucking hate it. Haha! It's awful.

 

This is the best boss I had up until now, and even he is corrupted as fuck. Has no soul. Sees only numbers. All day, everywhere. Workers are numbers too. Everything is. No compassion, no empathy, only hunger for more by any means necessary. 

 

I'm not ashamed to say it out loud... all of my bosses were complete idiots. Not all that intelligent at all. They simply inherited some money and started running a business, fucking people over. You don't have to be too smart to do that. And you definitely do not need passion or a heart for it. You just have to be a corrupted, narcissistic piece of shit.

 

I excel at this kind of work, it's obvious. My boss knows that too. I could walk out today and work for someone else tomorrow. I could do that every week if I wanted too. But even though I have great skills and all that, I honestly think I'm not a good employee. Because I see and know too much. And I have less and less tolerance for bullshit. I also do not bother to keep my mouth shut anymore. I say out loud the things that I see are wrong. And bosses don't like that, at all. They like obedient slaves, who will keep quiet, do what they're said to do and make them more and more money.

 

I cannot work for someone else anymore, it's obvious. It's just a matter of time before I leave this bullshit behind and never look back. I feel sorry for my coworkers and other people in same situations who do not have the will or the strength to escape this cycle of madness. They are suffering so much, but somehow made peace with it and settled for how things are. 

 

I'm aware that I'm super idealistic. I've always been. But goddamnit, what a broken fucking system we live in. What a mess.