will of the heart

[ivankiss]

Trade closed with 50 pips profit. Definitely very impulsively and too early though. Price is continuing to go up for sure. Still, a very nice trade.

[ivankiss]

So today I recieved a shocking message from my mother saying that she has been diagnosed with a disease called polyneuropathy. 70 % of her nervous system is damaged, and from what I understood, it's going to keep spreading. She might lose her motor functions, mobility, etc. 

 

She said to me, that when that happens, she does not want to be a burden to me or anybody else, and is saving money for a nursing home or something along those lines. Her funeral as well. She's basically already preparing to die. She just turned 46. It's way too soon for stuff like this. I cannot even comprehend it.

 

It freaked me out a lot when I read the message, but then I spoke to a close family friend and he said that it's not that bad. She can live long if she slows down and manages her stress and diabetes well. I imagine she's super scared too and might be blowing things up bigger than that they actually are.

 

I don't know what to think... It's too much to take in. I don't want my mother to die anytime soon, but I also cannot shake this feeling that something bad is going to happen.

 

Would appreciate a word or two from you @Faith and/or @Phil, if there's anything you can say to soothe me a bit. How do I process this? Is this kind of disease familiar to you? What is to be expected?

Edited August 24, 2022 by ivankiss

[Phil]

@ivankiss

On her behalf it likely has a lot to do with her outlook, and any appreciating life and looking forward to things would be  ideal. Even seeing how things could be seen (as in outlook) different than whatever ways she’s been looking things would be significant. Seeing that change in alignment with what she wants to experience outside, including the body, starts inside, as outlook. Any recognition the past outlook doesn’t actually have any bearing or influence on the present outlook would be an ideal precursor, if at all possible. But I wouldn’t per se take that on at all as any kind of task or work for you to do. Just mentioning it more so to draw awareness to it, if in fact it’s insightful. I do feel for ya. It’s a difficult situation at any age, and you’re both too young to be dealing with this. 

 

The diagnosis is informative with regard to what’s going on in the body and changes she could make, and I’m sure you & I share that we wish it was more of a spiritual wake up call to the appreciation of life & to looking forward optimistically & eagerly and making changes. Wakefulness to what really matters. The diagnosis or what’s going on in the body is reflective or indicative of beliefs held, and the trouble with beliefs held is the one holding them doesn’t recognize they are and how this relates, and usually the deeper the beliefs are held the more reluctant one is to see the beliefs (and therein why there is discord, and why & how the discord manifests as the body). The outlook & beliefs are virtually inseparable. 

 

The prognosis on the other hand I ‘personally’ wouldn’t believe, at all. There are examples every single day of people told certain prognosis who do take it as a wake up call and do not experience anything resembling what a doctor thought, believed or told them would or might or is likely to occur. A great book that comes to mind for both of you would be Dying To Be Me by Anita Moorjani. Not just for the content & subject matter, but much more for the extremely intimate first hand account and clarity of communication in the way she shares her experience. Doctors still can not make any objective sense of what transpired with her, and many doctors can’t find their way to accepting that it did.  

 

 

On your behalf, in addition of course to any comfort, understanding, patience and compassion you can offer her…which remember, you will feel too in the lending of it… this is a ‘real’ teaching opportunity imo. Not a ‘pointing’ like comments, videos, books, etc, but actual. Real ‘life is the only teacher’ learning. I think insight & depth from direct experience of one of two aspects is inevitable… a learning about detachment, or about suffering, or both. Either and or both bring you ‘closer’ to our being. How you approach it stands to make a big difference in how it’s experienced, to what extent it’s internalized, difficult, etc, in the ‘learning’ aspect. (If questions arise feel free.) It’s, imo, an opportunity to question the belief in death, what life is, what love really is, and what ‘a feeling’ something bad is going to happen really is. 

 

More so, I think the ‘learning’ of those things will also simultaneously be a deep learning & resurgence and revitalization about the power of your outlook, and of how you ‘hold’ what you’re seeing to be. In one way this could sound cold or callus, but I trust you know I of course don’t mean it that way. Text is a very limited medium. But it does hold true that what you really want, more than anything, is to feel good, and, that the Truth is the greatest ‘feeling’ possible. Truly, there is no catch, and they are  one in the same. If you’re looking for something ‘hands on’ and to put focus on, I’d begin to imagine what it would be like to experience exactly what’s going on -  without any discord (or ‘bad feeling’) whatsoever. Yet of course without any expectations upon yourself that the experience, or how you feel should be this way or that way. I’d write whatever comes to mind when imagining what that would be like, down on a peace of paper. What would it feel like to see only the well being of someone, of reality. Not ‘wishful thinking’ or the like, but to truly see. 

[Faith]

Hi @ivankiss ,

 

Sorry to hear about your mom's situation❤.  Here is a good article from John Hopkins on Diabetic Polyneuropathy.

 

https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/diabetes/diabetic-neuropathy-nerve-problems

 

I will tell you that Diabetic Neuropathy in general is very common to diabetics and is more common the more unstable blood sugar has been over time and how long someone has had Diabetes, but many manage well with it.

 

Some have more numbness or pain then others, but it depends on the specifics of the diagnosis and if there was a prognosis given. Checking the bottom of feet daily is extremely important in case pt has stepped on something sharp and didn't feel it, since wounds and infections can be an added Diabetic complication. 

I'm not sure what symptoms your mom currently has, but if she's going down the rabbit hole of complete disability and death I would wonder if the doctor scared her saying all the "possible" what ifs or if she got online and freaked herself out. 

 

Other then me being a nurse I also was diagnosed at 21 yo with multiple sclerosis and was told I'd know within 5 years if I'd need a wheelchair and would die in 25 years (that would be at 46). Talk about being freaked out! Well, did not need a wheelchair (a walker once or twice) and I'm now 52. So obviously I didnt die! The whole thing about early death in M.S. was debunked. Some pass from complications, but not the disease itself. 

 

Anyways, detrimental "future" thinking with disease diagnoses is not good. I did it and know full well how destructive it can be to the mind and body.  When I stopped doing that, and over time, I got better. If you saw me you'd have no idea I've had M.S. for 31 yrs. 

 

My advice to your mom would be to get some talk therapy to deal with the stress of a new diagnosis such as this and to control her blood sugars (diet, exercise, medication) as much as possible to slow down or prevent the spread of the neuropathy.

 

As tough as it is to hear this news, all you can do is be supportive and help educate her to take care of herself! 

 

((HUGS)) 💙

 

 

[ivankiss]

@Phil @Faith Thanks a lot to both of you. I will read through both replies a few more times later, to take it all in. Right now I'm trying not to think too much about it and freak myself out. Did some stretching, played some guitar, etc. Trying to remain connected to feeling and not overthink. 

 

I feel ok now.

 

Me and my mother have a very complicated thing going on, as evident in this journal. I wrote about it quite a lot here, but I feel like I barely scratched the surface. There's just so much pain. And we cannot seem to be able to communicate about things. Our interactions are always very surface level. Rarely do we go a bit deeper, and even then not nearly enough.

 

Last time we met, I spoke openly about what I think, even though words were coming out quite difficulty. I just feel like she does not hear me, more often than not. 

 

I suggested talk therapy. Particularly regarding childhood trauma, etc. She's got a lot of unresolved stuff. So much pain underneath it all. She got quite defensive and said that she does not need anything like that and that she should be the one offering therapy to others - kinda laughing it all off. My mother does not believe in depression, anxiety, trauma, psychological or emotional disorders... Nothing like that. She believes that you just need to keep pushing forward and work hard. She nearly worked herself to death. 

 

So yeah, anything I suggest is kinda in vain. She is simply not open for it. Her worldview is super narrow. Lacks emotional maturity/intelligence big time. But is a very emotional person. Also does not understand English, like at all. So I cannot suggest her stuff to read, videos to watch, etc. Information is super limited in our language. But even if that would be an option, I doubt she'd be open for it.

 

I just don't know how to get to her. I know this or anything else can be managed and/or healed, but I doubt it's possible with an attitude like that. She's a fighter and she pushed through so much in her life, and that's very admirable. But she does not see, or is not familiar, with the other side of the coin - so to speak. She does not know the power that surrendering holds. All she knows is brute force, resisting and pushing through anything that's in her way. It worked before, but I see her losing will and power and I'm afraid that's not going to cut it anymore. She needs to learn to release and let go. She needs to open up, surrender and find new will in that way.

 

I don't know... That's just how I'm perceiving everything. As said, I have quite a few unresolved stuff with her too, so I'm pretty sure the picture is distorted. But intuition is quite loud, nevertheless. I don't want this to go where I fear it's going. It would be such a tragedy.

 

Thankfully, she's all for healthy food, exercise and stuff, so that may be a pathway for me to reach her somehow. She's all for healthy lifestyle, but does not see a very big aspect of health. It's not just the body. It's the mind and the heart too. The spirit.

 

It's triggering to me to be around her too often, and it can get too much. I feel the best if we see each other every two or three months or so. But this really makes me think... is my time with her so very limited? Should I spend more time with her even if it does not feel that good to me? I also want to move quite far away from here within a solid month or so, and now I'm not sure if that's a good idea. I'm afraid she would spiral downwards even faster. She's already freaking out about me leaving somewhere far, yet again. My mother has a quite unhealthy attachment to me, I'd say. What I do or don't do affects her very much. In a very unhealthy way. It's a heavy burden to carry around. Last time I spent two years in Asia, I came back two days after she fell into a coma, not knowing anything. It was a huge shock. She barely survived that, but managed to recover quite fast. However, I doubt she would have had the will had I not shown up in the hospital, miraculously.

 

It's all just so twisted and complex. Honesty, I would not think twice about leaving and just doing my own thing. Walking my own path. But this is serious stuff now. It's her physical well being in question. Dare I say, it's a life or death situation. It's quite crippling to think about.

 

On one hand, I want to choose myself, authenticity and my own truth, and on the other I feel like I should put myself aside and try to work this out with her. Try to help.

 

I'm very deep in inner child work these past few months, but this is kinda getting too much and too real now. I feel like I need a break from it all and just do what my heart is longing for.

Edited August 25, 2022 by ivankiss

[Faith]

@ivankiss Sometimes people have to find there own way, other times they need support. It's hard to say what exactly your mom needs right now, but she sounds like she's in a bad head space about this new diagnosis.

 

What I've found over the years as a nurse was that ppl need time to mourn a new diagnosis that may or most likely effect them long term. It's just a lot to wrap your head around, for the patient and for family.

 

You can be supportive from a distance if that's what's best for you. If her symptoms aren't severe at this time, then you staying close just for her well being doesn't sound like it's what's best for your well being. 

 

That's great if your mom will be as healthy as possible. However, the over-working is not good, as you sound like you know, but she's an adult all you can do is suggest and hope she'll do what's best for her health.

 

💙

 

 

[Phil]

It’s possible that the only thing you’d potentially regret, is not loving her exactly as she is. This doesn’t mean spending more or less time with her, or living closer or farther. More so relinquishing the conditions… our relationship is simple, we get each other, we always have. Sometimes I just don’t hear her, I’ve got some unresolved stuff with some underlying pain and I get defensive sometimes and anything she suggests is often in vein, I’m not really open to it.  I really don’t know how she would get to me with this attitude about her. I’m a fighter, I push through, I work incredibly hard, I stay focused on moving forward, I never surrender. This isn’t working for this though, and I think I need to learn to release, to let go, to be more allowing, accepting & embracing. All I really want is to communicate to her how much I love & appreciate her, and that I do accept her exactly as she is. 

[ivankiss]

Thanks again to both of you. It means a lot.

 

I'm putting this mother thing aside for a while now - meaning that I will not be focused on it, obsess over it and worry myself to madness. It's making me super anxious and uncomfortable. It also brings up tons of anger and sadness. Hopelessness. Etc.

 

It's unnecessary for me to be doing that to myself.  I don't see how anything good can come out of that.

 

I'm still on a 'mission' here, and I'm super close to completing it. Once I step away and get a breath of fresh air, I might come back to all this. Preferably expressing it through music. 

 

I'll try to spend some quality time with my mother and maybe suggest a thing or two... but I won't break myself to make her see things in a new light. I'll try to accept things as they are and keep doing my thing, with an open heart.

 

Sticking to my initial plan and not staying here in Italy. Moving away within a solid month. I need it. I must carve my own path. God knows I love her and I wish her only the best. I must stay true to myself.

[Faith]

1 hour ago, ivankiss said:

Thanks again to both of you. It means a lot.

Your very welcome! 🥰

 

It's interesting that I was giving you advice about this health stuff  just yesterday and today I got a call from my husband at lunch that the doctor called him about a heart scan he got done last week and said his heart looked good, but the coronary scan shows a new lung mass that wasn't there 7 years ago with the other scan. Sigh. 😞

 

So, now trying not to go down the rabbit hole myself with future thinking that isn't  helpful. They are ordering a regular CT scan to get a better look. 

 

1 hour ago, ivankiss said:

It's unnecessary for me to be doing that to myself.  I don't see how anything good can come out of that.

 

Your right it'll just make you feel sick and then you won't be any help to her at all. 

 

Peace to you 💙

 

[ivankiss]

@Faith Sorry to hear that. I don't have any knowledge on that medical stuff, hopefully it's nothing too serious. Wish your husband and you the best.

[ivankiss]

Just came out of the dentist's, and oh my God. I am a changed man haha! My teeth all are nice and healthy and shiny. Perfect.

 

It was a solid two hour procedure. Barely any work left to do. My final appointment is next week on Tuesday.

 

This is definitely the best thing I did for myself in a very long while. I'm so grateful I wanna cry haha! 

[Faith]

2 hours ago, ivankiss said:

@Faith Sorry to hear that. I don't have any knowledge on that medical stuff, hopefully it's nothing too serious. Wish your husband and you the best.

Thank you.

[ivankiss]

Religion changed the face of man, thou shalt not kill, we all are gone
The seed of ignorance is born thou shalt not think, thou shalt conform

The pigs order us to follow orders and obey
The flies drink the decaying nectar of their tortured effigy

Cling to wasted beliefs and visions and bathe in apathy again
No solution, the retribution of spiritual sickness begins

The legacy of suffering is through, the guilt we bear shall not tear us in two

Born we are the same, within the silence, indifference be Thy name
Torn we walk alone, we sleep in silent shades
The grandeur fades, the meaning never known

If nothing in the world can change our children will inherit nothing

The pigs call for pure submission and fall into the fray
The lonely hunter beats his shallow drum, the soundtrack of world disarray

Born we are the same, within the silence, indifference be Thy name
Torn we walk alone, we sleep in silent shades
The grandeur fades, the meaning never known

If nothing in the world can change our children will inherit nothing

[ivankiss]

The middle way, Ivan. The middle way.

 

I keep forgetting that this is the path I am walking. I find myself oscillating between two extremes, trying to figure out which side is the right side (for me). When in truth, it's neither hard left, neither hard right. It's directly down the middle.

[ivankiss]

This whole transformation phase is an extreme swing to one side. It is a polar response to what I've been doing, or not doing, previously. 

 

It's not balanced. It's partial and super limited. No wonder I don't feel myself. No wonder I'm this super distorted and inflated version of myself. No wonder it feels like hell and I just want to survive it and be out as quick as possible.

 

This whole phase is but a correction. That's what it is. It's not truth. It's not peace. It's not fulfilment. There is a sense of urgency in the air, at all times. Panic. Restlessness.

 

It is simply the fastest way to put myself back on track. But it is also the most intense and unpleasant way.

 

In that sense, this entire journey is false. A lie. However, it is necessary in order to balance myself out.

Paradoxically, it is truth also.

Edited August 27, 2022 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

Went to visit my mother. It was nice. A bit uncomfortable at first, but we managed to connect and go a bit deeper. We both opened up, but it mostly ended up being just her realising stuff and me holding space, comforting her. We spoke about some family stuff, health, life in general, etc. She started crying twice and then I would get up and just hug her. I could feel all the built up tension in her body. And even though it was not that much, she was more relaxed and a bit lighter afterwards.  She was able to release some of it. Towards the end of my visit she was laughing and being all bubbly. I could sense that things flipped around. I was very calm and grounded.

 

We both expressed how much we care and worry for each other. Her condition is far from the worst it could be, but it's not too good either. Her legs are often keeping her up at night. She's in a lot of pain and is taking heavy medication. Only that seems to be helping.

 

I told her to slow down a bit. There's no need to rush anywhere. I told her that all is well and that good things are coming. And that she should be reminding herself of that more often. But I noticed that what I say is not nearly as effective as physical touch. One longer hug can tell a million more words. And it is impossible not to be 'heard' that way. Tension starts melting away immediately.

 

Intellectually it is very hard for us to be on the same page. We simply see things completely differently. But once an emotional connection is established, things start flowing pretty easily.

 

All in all, some nice, quality time spent together, I'd say. However, I'm not planning on doing this too often, because I'm inevitably slipping into this role of a therapist. It feels like I'm being the parent for her, and not the other way around. And my inner child is not too happy about that. I basically have to put that part of me completely away. Not be vulnerable, but be a rock for her. Strong, centered and immovable.

 

Within a month I'll be gone anyways. And then we won't see each other for a while. Only through an occasional video call or whatever. 

 

I think I'm really starting to see why I ended up 'back here'. I might just be resolving this stuff for good. For real this time.

[ivankiss]

Mind says: 'It's all an illusion.'

 

Heart says nothing and just keeps beating.

 

Mind says: 'None of this is real.'

 

Heart says nothing and just keeps beating.

 

[ivankiss]

Is there something I should know
Of the colours that you show?
I remember those words
In the back of my mind
There is an old phantom

It isn't a secret this mind's shrouded in history
It isn't a secret this mind spirals in disarray
It isn't a secret this mind shudders in mystery
It isn't a secret I find terror in memory

Come close. Don't be afraid,
It's stranger than you think
Desperately opiate, weary
Feverish host to us, teary eyed
History hexes us
History hexes us

Don't look. Don't think
Don't feel. Don't move. Don't breathe
Don't make a sound. It lives. It breathes
In my conscious mind
(Rosebud don't change)

It isn't a secret this mind's shrouded in history
It isn't a secret this mind spirals in disarray
It isn't a secret this mind shudders in mystery
It isn't a secret I find terror in memory

I live and breathe again
These gory locks, don't you dare forget them
Don't you dare
Don't you dare
History hexes us
I breathe again
History hexes us
I live again

[ivankiss]

Bought the dip. Expecting anywhere from 50 to 100 pips. Market has been in a down trend for a while, but there are strong signs of a reversal now. And even if there won't be an actual reversal I can at least profit on a retracement.

 

 

[ivankiss]

Ok. Let's talk physical appearance.

 

I've been skipping the gym a lot this past month or so. The excuse being that things were just super crazy at my job (and in general too) and I simply had no will and energy left for working out. I also started eating less. Did not like the feeling of stuffing my face with food and having a full belly all the time. I noticed that I started gaining some fat, because of this bulking diet I've been on. So I kinda freaked out a bit and hit the breaks lol. I don't want belly fat and I also don't want puffy cheeks and a double chin lol. I'd rather stay as I am than gain too much fat.

 

Currently sitting at 75kg. Still very lean. Still bellow 15% bodyfat, I'd say. My weight is very evenly distributed. But I definitely want some more muscle mass. More size. My goal is still 81kg, but it's very unlikely I'll get there till October. If I could gain 3 more kilos of more or less lean mass, that would be great. I can work my way up to 81 slowly, without dirty bulking.

 

All in all, looking good. Not absolutely perfect, but still very good. I'm kinda, sorta satisfied. Gotta stop skipping the gym though and start eating just a bit more again. Looks like things are about to cool down a bit at my job, so that should give me more space and motivation.

 

Ok, next: hairstyle and style in general... both are quite important to me lol. No shame in that. I like to dress cool and I think hairstyle plays a huge role in one's overall image. I experimented with quite a few hairstyles in the past. I had it all. From buzzcut to very long, and everything in between. But I think what I landed on now truly suits me the most. Mid long, mid split. Curtains, basically. 90s style. It compliments my facial features a lot. It looks great from all angles. It's symmetrical and does not throw things off balance. It's very low maintenance. I don't use any products, just some plain coconut oil, when I want to go for that sexy wet look lol. It looks great dry too. I basically need 5 minutes in the morning to get it ready. So yeah, sticking with this hairstyle. It's great for when I'm feeling a bit more classy, but it also goes great with my casual image - which is this modern rock/matrix look lol. It's only not the best look for being sporty, which I'm really not, outside of the gym.

 

And that brings us to style in general. Obviously, nothing suits me like black. Maybe white and gray too, but nothing quite like black. I've been wearing it since I can remember, but I've not been sticking to it religiously so far. That I am planning on doing now lol. Within a month I'll be throwing out and/or donating all the clothes that I have and don't feel like wearing anymore. Everything that does not feel like me. And then I'm basically going to buy plain black shirts and pants, only. Throw a bit of grey and white in there maybe. And that's it. I've got everything that I need. Everything that truly feels like me. I've got some cool boots and sneakers already. A very cool coat too. I may get a few more accessories and stuff, but I won't go too crazy. Keeping things minimalistic. 

 

So yeah, my style will be bulletproof lol.

 

Another big thing I want to do, is get a full sleeve tattoo. I already have a half sleeve, but it's not the best work ever. So my plan is to fix it/cover it up and then extend it into a full sleeve. Might get a smaller tattoo or two, somewhere else on my body as well. I'm thinking chest, or ribs, or something like that. However, all of that I will be doing once I move to Serbia. Simply because it is much, much cheaper than here. I just gotta find a really good tattoo artist.

 

And that's basically it. My physical appearance/image will then be exactly as I imagined and designed it in my mind, quite some time ago. Maybe even better. It will feel and look great. Comfortable, authentic and cool. Very excited about it!