will of the heart

[ivankiss]

Ok. Here's the deal. I've set a goal in mind regarding trading for these final two months of this phase. If I reach that goal, it means that I mastered trading fully and am able to be consistently profitable. And that means that I can stop working '9 to 5' and live comfortably wherever I choose to. If not, I'm going to continue working '9 to 5' until I reach that goal.

 

Still trading with a smaller account, since it's more about perfecting my system than earning money for now. If or when I reach the goal, I'm depositing a significantly larger amount.

 

Eager to get real serious about this and give it my all - so to speak. By the end of this 'challenge' I'll know exactly where I'm at with trading, and with that I'll know my next big move too.

 

It is a realistic goal. Totally doable. But it's still quite the challenge. Mainly, I must become more consistent. Possibly tighten my entries and exits too.

 

Let's do this.

 

Edited July 30, 2022 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

Yeah, I can't truly say that I enjoy smoking CBD, either. It does relax my body and slows me down a bit, but it also makes me kinda foggy and even a bit nauseous. Not gonna lie, the only real reason I smoked is not to have a problem with getting hard when hooking up. And it worked. Maybe it also made the orgasm stronger. But I did not feel very well afterwards.

 

I like being sober, I really do. It's just that I must cope with anxiety somehow. 15min of meditation does not seem to be enough. Maybe if I was to meditate an hour or two a day...Idk... It's also related a lot to the way I'm thinking. I'm sure of that. But it is what it is now.

 

Anyhow, CBD will be here just in case, for special occasions when I really need it. I'd rather do that than pop a pill for erection or something. However, my goal is to overcome this 'issue' naturally.

 

Again, with a girlfriend that I feel something towards it would be a completely different story. I'm sure I'd have no troubles at all. But hooking up casually is something else. I also cannot have sex just whenever I feel horny, because of my job. I'm only free on Saturday, and then I basically have to get hard on command, horny or not. Otherwise I'd be regretting not hooking up the whole next week haha!

 

It's kinda twisted, but it's not too bad, given the circumstances. Things will change big time in this department too, once I go through this phase. I'm sure of that.

Edited July 31, 2022 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

God I love this track.

Dive deep into the
Subconscious layers
Be careful not to sink

Stay out, be free
Don't enter this abyss
That's where I go to think

Enjoy the restrictions
Be glad you can feel the sting
Silent compassion
Won't lead to anything

Out of the dark
Nowhere to start
Tainted words
Pieces apart
Acquired taste

In control of it all
What were you thinking?
As if you can put an end to this

Rest now, tomorrow
You can make it all OK
Prepare a day you will not miss

Bring forth your gift
Made from pure belief
Be sure no one finds out
Be sure no one finds out why

Stay in the cold
You will see
Someone else will leave your mark

To be sold
So you're free
You'll be drawn out of the dark

 

Nowhere to start
Tainted words
Pieces apart
Acquired taste

[ivankiss]

Every now and then I still visit briefly actualized.org. I did not post anything for months, the place looks even more toxic now than when I left... I might go back in the future, or I might not... But I read something cool that Leo said in a discussion about Andrew Tate lol. That guy is such a joke. I cannot believe people are taking his advice.

 

Anyhow, Leo said: "In a profoundly sick culture, success requires peddling in its sickness." 

 

- and I find that to be so very true. It kinda hit deep, especially now that I'm in this phase of wanting to achieve things, make money, etc.

 

I'm not hating on Leo. And I ain't praising him either. I was never a real supporter or follower of his teachings or anything. Just enjoyed using the platform. I don't really follow anybody. I simply resonate with certain things that some say, maybe adopt a word or two and move on with my thing. I think Leo is a cool guy, very smart too. But I definitely don't agree with everything he says or does.

 

Same goes for pretty much any teacher. Except for maybe Matt Kahn. It's really hard to disagree with anything that dude says haha.

[ivankiss]

Missed an entry, sorta. There's a pullback going on these days, but I'm not seeing it as a full on reversal yet. Kinda risky to buy and foolish to sell. Still, there's always plenty of opportunities for short in and out trades. Just like the one I let slip today.

 

Waiting for a retracement, then I might buy for a few pips. Not aiming to hold long though.

 

Also thinking about joining a trading group or two. Not to follow signals blindly, but to use them as a confirmation of some sort. Might be worth giving it a shot. 

 

I am mastering this, period. No questions asked. Just don't know how fast. It's been more than 4 years now since I started. Accumulated tons of knowledge and quite some experience. Lost little to no money, thankfully. I was smart (and broke) enough to start super small. Things are about to pay off big time, I know it. I will simply not stop until it happens. 

 

It's challenging to juggle all this stuff at once, but I'm doing it. I don't want to work for someone else's pockets. It's sucking the life out of me. It's so damn boring, meaningless, robotic, repetitive and soul crushing. I can only see myself doing it for a little bit longer, until things click for me. And click they fucking will. 

 

Music. Trading. Writing. Creating content. Travelling and hanging out with cool people. That's the life I want to live. The only thing that's in my way is wage slavery. And trading is my ticket out of that prison.

Edited August 1, 2022 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

Bought the dip. Aiming for 30-50 pips.

[ivankiss]

Exited with 20 pips profit. Nice. That was fast. Nearly perfect entry. 

 

As said, I'm not comfortable holding here for too long. It's not a full on bullish trend just yet. I'm satisfied with smaller profits until thing get going.

[ivankiss]

Price broke through resistance, could have existed with double the profit, or more. But it's all cool. Warming up after a short break.

 

Waiting for another retracement.

[ivankiss]

Big dip. Bought it at the nearly perfect price. It might continue to go lower, but not before it retraces. Aiming for cca 30 pips again.

[ivankiss]

Awyeah. Woke up to profit. 37 pips. Epic!

 

Kinda exited impulsively, I'm pretty sure price is going even higher. Could have waited a bit longer and made more profit, but it's more than good even this way.

 

57 pips profit in total yesterday. If I can keep this up, I'm achieving that goal for sure!

[ivankiss]

The journey begins
With curiosity
And involves into soul-felt questions

On the stones that we walk
And choose to make our path
Sometimes never knowing
Other times knowing too much

 

Filtering out the bad
That holds us back
Take hold of what is true
To your hunger

 

A hunger
That will not go away
Plans for tomorrow
They will remain

 

Won't you join me on the perennial quest?
Reaching into the dark, retrieving light
Search for answers on the perennial quest
Where dreams are followed, and time is a test

 

No time for mental crutches
The maker has moved on
I will take it raw
And be on my way

 

Those that stood beside me
I'm glad you understand
Behind these written words
I share the simple plan
To hang on
To the way that we feel

 

From rivers of sorrow
To oceans deep with hope
I have traveled them

 

Now there's no turning back
The limit, the sky
I ask my questions, "Why
What today, when tomorrow?"

 

Filtering out the bad
That holds us back
Take hold of what is true
To your hunger

 

A hunger
That will not go away
Plans for tomorrow

They will remain

 

Won't you join me on the perennial quest?
Reaching into the dark, retrieving light
Search for answers on the perennial quest
Where dreams are followed, and time is a test

[ivankiss]

Bought the dip again. This might be a bigger move, but I doubt I'll hold for too long.

Edited August 3, 2022 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

F yeah! Exited with a bit over 30 pips profit.

 

That's how it's done! Fast, precise, clean. These 3 entries were perfect. Exits maybe a bit less, but still... I'm very satisfied.

 

Whenever things start going really good, almost too good, I start feeling anxious, fearing that I will make a mistake and ruin it all. Gotta work through that a little bit. I know that's one of my biggest obstacles, if not the only one.

 

Awesome start of this challenge. I love this shit!

[ivankiss]

Looks like scalping the hourly chart suits me the most. With an occasional swing over night.

 

Short term, buying the dips and selling the spikes, for 30-50 pips per trade. Seems very safe and it's nearly impossible to go wrong.

 

I only must stick to the golden rule, at all times: no buying or selling breakthroughs. Even if I'm on the right side of the trend. Hunting only for retracements. 

[ivankiss]

Slow and steady upward movement on the chart since yesterday. However, there were no retracements/dips whatsoever. No opportunities for me to get in. I'm sticking to my rule and not buying breakouts. It's just too risky.

 

Might get an opportunity tomorrow, if not, next week. 

 

Regarding music... I cannot buy the VSTs that I want, because I have to visit my bank first and sort some stuff out regarding online payments. Their app that I need for security codes and whatnot does not function, because the bank has my old phone number. Gotta sort that out. Hopefully I'll have enough will to do it tomorrow morning before work. And then it's show time!

 

Cannot lie, I'm not super excited about recording just yet. I mean, I am, but I ain't jumping around like a kid on Christmas morning haha. I guess it's because my basic needs are not really met (having my own place, girlfriend, friends, etc.) and so my spirit is not too high. Also, after all this time, after this big ass break, I guess I must push myself a little bit to establish a habit of working on music consistently. It will take some time to be like it once was... music in my mind, all day, all night.

 

Thankfully, once I do push myself to sit down, pick up the guitar and start playing/creating, things start flowing pretty effortlessly. So nothing is really lost in that sense. It's just about the habit. It hasn't been part of my 'daily routine' for a while now. 

 

All in all, things are moving in the right direction, I'd say. Maybe I'm not even fully realizing how quickly and how much I've already done.

Edited August 5, 2022 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

I don't write about it lately, I guess because I'm way too focused on other things, but goddamnit, my grandma is such a bitch. There, I said it. There's just no pretty way of putting it. She's an old, lonely, miserable alcoholic. Nothing real or genuine about her. Every word she says, everything that she does, is a lie. She is simply incapable of being true and honest. It's one thing to have issues and keep others out of it, and it's another thing to be a mean, aggressive bitch and hate everyone and everything you see. It's sad that some end up here, it really is. I can only imagine the pain and confusion. But that's not an excuse to tolerate such sick behaviour and be on the receiving end of their bullshit. She threw away her whole life because of alcohol and because of being unable to look at certain things within herself. My mother was sleeping on the streets as a child because of her bullshit. She had no shelter, no food on the table. It was non stop violence at home. Non stop drinking. Non stop fighting. I truly respect my mother for surviving that. And not only surviving, but also achieving a lot and building everything from nothing. My grandmother remarried in Italy, and inherited her husband's retirement once he died. Without that, she would have absolutely nothing. She did not work in her life, ever. Did absolutely nothing of value. Only drank and talked shit. Manipulated and fooled those who were buying into it. What a lame person. It's disgusting, really.

 

If it wasn't for saving up that money, I would be out of here in a blink of an eye. But I guess my passion for the things I want to achieve is stronger. I'm willing to sacrifice things and to eat some shit now. I simply see no other option. I'm so very close to completing what I started, and then I'm never looking back. I must push through this. My mother is aware of what I'm going through with her, she experienced it first hand, and much nastier too. She offered me to stay at her place again until my contract at work expires and I go somewhere else. But I ain't keen on being under the same roof with here either. It would probably be cool for a couple of days, but sooner or later, she would start crossing boundaries and it would end up being a shitshow, yet again. Last time it was awful. I love my mother, I truly do, but her nervous system is fucked. Her worldview is fucked. Her emotional maturity is close to nonexistent. I simply cannot share space with her for too long. She's not an alcoholic or anything, but she has other pretty hardcore issues. Lots of pent up anger, unresolved trauma and whatnot. She fucked my childhood up too, to some extent. And she knows that. But cannot accept it and be real about things. She's caught in denial, avoiding and running away from herself, mostly distracting herself with work. Work, work, work. That's all she's about.

 

Last time we spoke, I pretty much told her all this directly. And she agreed with me. We even managed to have a laugh about it. She knows she's got issues and needs to work on things. And she also understands why I can't be around her for too long. It's just too damn toxic.

 

So yeah, I'm staying right here, on my grandmother's couch, for the last two months of this phase. Shit my grandmother does doesn't get to me really. It does not hurt. It's just incredibly annoying and it pisses me off. But I can shake it off quickly. There's no emotional bond between us, as there is between me and my mother. That's why the things my mother says and does can hurt like hell. She can stab me directly in the heart sometimes. It hurts much more because I actually care about her. And I cannot honestly say that about my grandmother. I don't think I care about her too much, or at all. I simply have no bond with her. It's almost like being around a stranger. I know she doesn't like me being here, and I hate it too, but I literally just need a fucking couch to crash on at the end of the day and a bathroom to clean myself. I think that's not too much to ask from a 'family member' who 'loves and cares about you'. What I don't need, is her endless drunken ramblings, her mean comments, her aggressive behaviour, her bitching and moaning and hating all over the place. I just need some fucking peace and quiet, damnit! 

 

There. A little rant. Felt good. Now back to what truly matters. Let's wrap this up.

Edited August 5, 2022 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

Hooked up again. Sex was great, but it was just sex. It's clear to me now why these hook ups do not really satisfy me. It's because there is no real connection going on. It's just flesh to flesh. No real feelings, no love. 

 

It's funny, once the urge is satisfied, I sober up quickly, and all I want is a healthy relationship.  Connection, real intimacy, real feelings. What this is, is just letting the animal in me loose and emptying my balls lol. It's not the real deal. I caught myself just wanting to get over with it, in the middle of the act. It was obvious to me that this is not what I really want.

 

I cannot say it wasn't pleasurable. It was. Very much so. But my heart was not open. And that's what makes sex truly magical. The heart. Not just dick to pussy action lol.

 

I'm not surprised by this 'realization', I've had it many times before, but I guess I was not ready to say no to sex until something real comes along. And I still don't know if I am. But I'm taking a litle break now, for sure. I think I'm starting to value myself and what I have to offer more. It feels nice, but it's not fully real just yet.

[ivankiss]

If you view life as a mission
For truth and purity in vision
You can become as the anointed
And fade away from the disjointed

 

In observation, I analyze
All the aspects of humanity that I despise

 

I am the voyager
I have tasted pleasures of the flesh
And drunk the pleasures of the mind
To reach the point I've attained
Clear focused and defined

 

Those who don't create dictate
The structure of our world and preach hate
Drifting out of languid boredom
To destroy the structure of our kingdom

 

In observation, I analyze
All the aspects of humanity that I despise

 

I am the voyager
I have tasted pleasures of the flesh
And drunk the pleasures of the mind
To reach the point I've attained
Clear focused and defined

 

If you live life draped in sorrow
You will destroy the path we follow
Take my hand and walk in wonder
The patterns spin in random order

 

In observation, I analyze
All the aspects of humanity that I despise

 

I am the voyager
I have tasted pleasures of the flesh
And drunk the pleasures of the mind
To reach the point I've attained
Clear focused and defined
 

I am the voyager
I, Voyager

[ivankiss]

Let's weigh these ideas for October once more... I'm still super indecisive and confused about my next move. I cannot see a clear pathway.

 

The main thing that I want to achieve is to escape wage slavery. As soon as fucking possible. It's just too damn awful. And if I want to pull that off, it only makes sense to move to a location where my expenses would be minimal. That way I could live off of my savings for a while and trade for living. Once trading really takes off I could move to pretty much any place. Asia is cheap and it would be perfect in that sense, but it just seems like a too big of a leap for now. Idk. I feel like I'm not quite ready for that just yet. I'm also not vaccinated, so I might not be able to fly at all. It would take months to recieve 3 shots, even if I decided to do that. So yeah, I think Asia is a no.

 

Serbia, on the other hand, is also super cheap and could work out very well. I could live comfortably there with my savings for the next six months or so. And that's without trading. If trading goes as planned, my savings will pretty much remain untouched. But something about moving there seems off too. Idk. It just doesn't feel truly right. Maybe it's because I don't actually like the environment. I think it sucks quite a lot. But then again, what I really need is just a quiet apartment to do my stuff in peace. I doubt I would be leaving my place too often. In that sense, it does not really matter where I am, as long as rent and basic stuff is cheap. 

 

And If I was to continue grinding and working a meaningless job that's crushing my spirit, I guess I could at least do that in a fancy, cool place like Amsterdam. Maybe it would suck a bit less that way. And maybe it would suck even more. I cannot know for sure. What I do know, is that moving there would cost a lot and my savings would be gone very fast. I'd be basically living from paycheck to paycheck, again. With little to no possibility of breaking out of that cycle. Unless trading takes off as fuck. So yeah, Amsterdam is a cool idea, but I would not achieve much by going there, other than having this cool notion in my mind that I live in Amsterdam. So cool of me. Haha. Hanging out and stuff could possibly be very nice too, but that's really not my priority now. Besides, I don't drink or smoke weed anymore, I don't even know how that would be like now. 

 

If I was to move back north to Maribor, or even to the capital, I'd still have to continue slaving away at a lame ass job. In a sense, it would be the easiest and safest thing to do. Not much to figure out, nothing to risk. But not much to achieve either. I'd be working at a job for 7-8 hours, then spend the rest of the day making music and trading, if I had enough will left. I'd live this way until I'd start making enough money with trading consistently to stop working. 

 

Staying in Italy is pretty much a 'no' too. Firstly because I really don't want to bother learning to speak fluently Italian now, there's other more important stuff I can spend my energy on. And I also don't vibe with Italians really. They're too dramatic. The city is dirty and stinky. Covered in dog shit and piss. It's too chaotic and also quite expensive. I also don't want to live anywhere close to my mother and grandmother. Even if we would not see each other, I'd still feel like they're right behind my back. It would affect my decision making, etc. I like Italy mainly because of street fashion, hot girls and nightlife. But again, that's not really my priority right now.

 

So yeah... that leaves me... fucked. Haha. Nowhere. I still can't decide shit. I don't know what's the right move. But I may know what's not, a bit more now. 

 

It's not time yet. There's 50 more days left. That's a pretty long period, even though time is really flying. Anything can open up for me until then. If not, I'm pretty sure I'll be at least a little bit more certain what direction to choose.

[ivankiss]

This is crazy... Proof that diet and exercise are everything. In a matter of two years you can change to a point of no recognition.

 

I'm the same height as Christian Bale. Maybe taller by a centimeter or two. So this is a nice reference point for me.

 

Currently at 75kg, pretty much lean muscle mass. My goal is still 81kg. 86 would be a bit too bulky. But I might go for it in the future.