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will of the heart


ivankiss

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A nice little walk today. The sun was just glorious. Loving these autumn vibes. Loving this place. It's really magical. It's just that it's sometimes hard to notice the true beauty of it. Thoughts are still quite loud and persistent. Veiling my perception. But I'm stabilizing here, slowly. It feels more and more like home. More and more right. Clarity is starting to shine through.

 

I'm deep in making music now. Things are flowing pretty effortlessly. Not too fast, not too slow. It's just the right tempo, I'd say. Soon I will release my first song after this long ass break. I am very excited about that. Have no idea how I will reconnect with an audience and build a fanbase again, after all this time... Especially because I have a new style now... But what matters the most is that I'm creating. I'll figure the rest out as I go. I'll find a way to promote my music and really put it out there.

 

I'm still seeing Olya. She spent another full week at my place. Left yesterday. She loves being here, it's obvious. Not only because we enjoy each-other's company, but also because she's able to do much more work while being here. In the city she gets constantly distracted and she's just not as motivated. Here she has a cozy, peaceful and loving environment, which is a perfect setting to do stuff. I was making music while she was teaching English, studying for her classes, working on her assignments, etc. We are very good at sharing space together. Being alone together, if you will. And that means a lot to me.

 

Obviously, we were having tons of fun together. Cooking for each-other all kinds of delicious food, having crazy good sex, hiking, talking, gazing at stars, etc. It was beautiful.

 

We're in love, there's no doubt about that. But we both still have quite a few walls surrounding us. We both have various defense mechanism. We are maintaining some distance between us, still. Clearly we both struggle to trust each-other, due to our past experiences in relationships. It only makes sense.

 

I still don't know where this thing of ours is going. It might end tomorrow or it might last for a very long time. Taking it slowly. One day at a time. Will see what happens.

 

My number one priority is getting things going with music now. I feel so much more alive because of it. And I barely just began. I cannot wait to be fully back in it. 

 

My plan is to get a job here one of these days and then sink into a nice little groove. A nice little routine. By the end of the winter I should be reaching completely new levels. I'll save up nice money, build a nice momentum with music and become more physically fit. 

 

From then on, pretty much the entire world will be open for me. I'll be able to choose to go anywhere, If that's what I'll truly want. I don't want to project myself to much into the future, but I feel like I must just a little, in order to motivate myself and have a clearer picture un front of me. I need a reason why I'm doing what I'm doing.

 

All in all, I'm doing good. Moments of heartache and confusion here and there, but it's not too bad. Far from it. I'm not peaking just yet, but I'm definitely getting things moving in a desired direction.

 

All is well.

 

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Alright. I'm deep in this new chapter of mine. I think it's time to start writing about everything again. It is super exciting, to say the least.

 

I got a great job a solid month ago. I really could not ask for more. I can hardly imagine landing anything better in this field. My boss is super nice, friendly and kind. The money is good. Work is quite chill. Everything is well organized. I'm happy with it all.

 

My goal is to keep working here till October and save up to 10K. Then I would maybe take out a mortgage of another 20K and use some of that money for moving expenses and other investments that I have in mind. The rest I would put into a savings account.

 

Somewhere else it might not be big money, but where I currently am, it's a very decent amount. It's the equivalent of having up to 100K in America or Australia, for example.

 

The general idea and vision is still the same. I want to move to Amsterdam next fall and build a life from scratch there. 

 

Things are looking great with music so far. I pretty much finished the first track. Took me solid two months to write and record everything. It was a very big step. I came up with a completely new style and sound. It was challenging, but I feel like I really accomplished what I had in mind. I love how it sounds. I feel like this style mirrors me and where I currently am very well. Doing some final polishing these days and then I am finally releasing the track. Super excited about it.

 

Still seeing Olja. Things are... bitter sweet. There are challenges, there are things I struggle to digest... mainly when it comes to her party girl and overly flirtatious side. Her 'dark past' too. Quite a few things are still unresolved and unhealed. Haunting her. But the love is there, definitely. I cannot deny that. We are spending a lot of time together, and more often than not it's quite magical. Things are kinda starting to get serious. And that's both scary and exciting. Just last night she brought up the matter of her joining me on my path and moving to Amsterdam with me. She wants to be a part of my future goals, she says. She wants to plan a life together, etc. I still have to reconsider all this. It's quite fresh. I cannot unsee those red flags that she's waving at me... but supposedly she's willing to work on that stuff and really wants to commit. So yeah... we'll see how that goes. Trying not to get too attached and lost in this.

 

All in all, things are looking freaking great. There are challenges, ups and downs, but I am definitely on track. I'm actually doing it. I'm pulling it off. Just have to continue doing what I'm already doing, no matter what.

 

F yes!

 

 

 

 

Edited by ivankiss
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Intense few days behind me. Had our first 'serious fight' with Olja. It wasn't nice. The issue was about her hanging out with all those guy 'friends' who want to get into her pants. Partying, drinking, etc. She loves all that attention, loves to flirt, but supposedly wants only me. I don't trust her fully. I'm really not ok with all this. I was ready to end it all, but somehow we turned things around. She pretty much begged me. 

 

We didn't really solve anything, but we agreed to focus on having a good time during Christmas. And it was beautiful. We spent two more days at my place, barely leaving the bed. Took some MDMA last night. It was magical. There is something insanely magnetic here. Sexual energy is ridiculously strong. Making love to her is just incredible. But I am really worried about all this other stuff. I doubt I can get over all that. She's just not the kind of a person I could take too seriously and plan a future with. At least that's how I feel for now.

 

Maybe that changes, maybe she changes or moderates things... I don't know. I'm willing to stick around just a bit longer and see where this is going, I guess. It's painful at times, but I guess the good still outweighs the bad. And yeah, I'm definitely hooked to that sex. Cannot deny that.

 

I'm aware that I'm kinda playing with fire here. I hope I won't burn myself too much. 

 

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And that's it. The track is done. If everything goes right I should be releasing it tomorrow or the day after that. I really want to release it before new year's eve. I want this song to stay in this 'old year' and then start fresh 'next year'. It's symbolic. It makes sense that way.

 

I'm very happy with it. But I'm also kinda tired of it already. Listened to it way too many times haha! Eager to start working on a new track.

 

I'm back in the game! Finally! Feels like I slept for centuries. Still unable to truly comprehend that this is really happening. I made it!

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I don't like what she's doing. I don't like it one bit. That's just the truth. I don't like plenty of stuff about her. But I am tolerating it, for now. I am tolerating it for my own selfish reasons. And maybe also because I am a compassionate, understanding and loving guy. But mostly because I want to satisfy my needs. That's just how it is. Trying to act like it's not, or force myself to see, feel and think about things differently, would be bullshit. Falsehood. Deception.

 

I don't know what's going to happen and that's scaring the crap out of me. I want her, I don't want her, and yeah, it's all very confusing. It is what it is. I just want to be as true as I can be. Towards myself and her. I think so far I managed to communicate to her all this pretty clearly. So I guess I can sleep peacefully.

 

I'm fucked up, she's fucked up, and we're just gonna have to roll with this. Until we won't anymore.

 

All is well.

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Drums could sound better. It would elevate the quality of the entire mix. But I made the best of what I had available. I worked with free VSTs only. And they're clearly not the best sounding samples out there. Will put my hands on something better soon. 

 

Bass could sit in the mix a bit better, but even if it's stays like this, it's ok. I cannot say the mix sounds bad, but it's not absolutely perfect. Which makes sense. I'm writing, recording, producing, mixing and mastering all on my own, with minimal equipment. Of course it cannot sound as if it was recorded under pro conditions. I think I did the best I could. And it's only going to get better in time.

 

All I need now is a nice cover art to go with the single. Probably going to play with AI a bit.

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As always, life happened, so looks like my idea of releasing the song before new year's is not going to work out. I'd rather wait a few more days than rush into things and make stupid little mistakes.

 

Had a nice night with Olja yesterday. Some friction again, but it wasn't too bad. Had a drink or two, so I actually kinda enjoyed playing those little games of push and pull. I'm trying to enjoy this as much as I can. But I cannot deny it hurts here and there.

 

 

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@Loop Nice, thanks!

 

I'm a big fan of Addictive Drums 2.0. Would love to get the full library. Used to have it back in the day, but I lost everything. Superior Drummer 3 is quite appealing too. Planty of great sounding VSTs out there. 

 

Now I'm using MTpowered drumkit, and given that it's free it sounds really good. But it's just not on that 'pro level'. 

 

Will see.

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Your maximum potential isn't doing the most work humanly possible each day. It's not about trying to capitalize on every single moment of every single hour, thinking you can bullet-journal and morning-routine into a robotic state of perfect functioning.

You are a human being.

Your maximum potential is creating a life that is peaceful and meaningful to you. It is doing less, but better.

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Taking a short breather and then coming back to it with more force and love. Excited about working on a new track. This first one was kinda challenging. I had to figure out a lot of stuff. And now that it's all figured out, all I have to do is keep writing and recording. I'll try to better my mixes, bit by bit with each new song. Mostly I really ned better samples. Been thinking a lot about vocals too and that's something that will take some more experimentation and playing around. I have a good feeling about it all.

 

 

 

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Everything is running smoothly so far. This relationship thingy is a bit overwhelming at times, but other than that, there's really not a single thing I worry about.

 

My new routine, which is not fully integrated just yet but I plan on sticking to it religiously in this phase, looks something like this:

 

- Meditation/breathwork
- Journal
- Walk + 100m sprint
- Stretching
- Weight lifting
- Plank
- Breakfast + protein shake
- Work
- Lunch
- Rest
- Music
- Market analysis/Trading
- Reading
- Stretching
- Weight lifting
- Plank
- Dinner + protein shake
- Meditation/breathwork
- Journal

 

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Meditation was ok. My mind is super messy in the mornings. I'm barely in my body. I definitely need this routine to ground me and make me more centred. Thoughts were not too loud, but they were persistent and all over the place. What seems to help the most is the breath of fire. That usually does the trick. It makes it easier to shift awareness from thought to breath/being.

 

Had a short little fight with Olya last night. We just disagree on so many things. Our worldviews are super opposing. We're both very strongly opinionated and tend to be stubborn. But she's often much more judgemental and close minded. So yeah, if we're not careful, considerate and polite, we can end up triggering the crap out of each other. Sometimes it's kinda fun, other times its rather nasty.

 

Anyhow, we calmed down quickly and fell asleep cuddling. Morning sex was great.

 

Going for a walk/sprint now. 

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Texted her this from work. She's waiting for me at home. It's so good to know that I have someone to come home to.

 

I really appreciate her. Sometimes we trigger the crap out of each other, but I know it's no coincidence. It's all for a higher cause. Growth, expansion, love.

 

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Edited by ivankiss
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Good day.

 

Sticking to my routine was not difficult. Little to no resistance whatsoever, and I was feeling so much better through the entire day. It's funny how I always seem to know exactly what I need to do in order to make myself feel better and get closer to where I wanna be, yet I keep avoiding it, coming up with excuses and procrastinating. A very good example for this is my diet. I new exactly what and how much I should be eating, but I simply don't do it. And when I happen to do, I always feel better afterwards. But then I slip back into my old ways lol.  Still, my diet is not to bad right now. Definitely could be eating more fruits, but everything else is balanced quite ok, I'd say.

 

Olya is about to get her period, so she's a bit grumpy and quite distant. In her own bubble. She needs her own time. But even if it's not her period she tends to withdraw quite often. This hot and cold behaviour can be a mindfuck sometimes. In the morning we were all lovey dovey and crazy for each other, and when I came home we were more or less just roommates lol. Still, she tried today, I can tell. She cleaned up the apartment, rearranged some stuff, groomed herself well and then put on a new sexy outfit for me. It was very hot. But the sex was a bit off. We were not that connected really. We kinda stopped mid way and decided to take a break. We should finish the deed a bit later lol. Maybe watch some movie and then fall asleep. I kinda wanna teach her a game with cards that I bought today, but I'm not sure if today is the right day for that.

 

Anyways, everything is checked on my list. All that is left is a short meditation session before bed.

 

All is well.

 

 

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Good meditation. Thoughts were not as loud as yesterday. Still kinda difficult to remain centred in front, between my eyes. It's as if I'm being pulled to the back of my head. Inti the activity of my mind.

 

Breathing is so good. I love to play with it. 

 

Morning sex was great. And last night it was nice too. Can't complain. This is exactly what I was praying for just a few months ago. All of my sexual desires are satisfied with this girl. When it comes to sex, she's pretty much a perfect match.

 

We did not communicate too much last night, since she was kinda distant. But it the morning we giggled and fooled around in the bed for a while. Lots of laughs. I love mornings like this.

 

I'm a bit late now, gotta hurry up with my routine. Tomorrow is my day off, so I might smoke a bit weed tonight. Maybe I'll start writing a new song. I have an idea in my mind, but it just wasn't the right time just yet. I don't want to force it. The best stuff comes out when things happen naturally. When I'm pulled into it.

 

All in all, things are looking good. I'm feeling good. It's all good.

 

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The reason why there is not much going on on the outside, or the external, is because there is so much going on on the inside, or the internal. So many aspects being changed, transformed, upgraded, erased, re-built, improved, altered, integrated, solidified. There's just so much going on "behind the scenes" - if you will. I am far from being fully aware of it. But this internal movement, this momentum, this shift, this change... It's all no accident. I deliberately chose this. I did not know exactly how things will unfold, but I knew the general direction of things. I can still intuit it. It's like there is a thread. I can intuit where this is going and who I am becoming. The process is not all rainbows and butterflies. I want it but I also resist it. I am heading towards it, but I am also holding myself back. I am becoming and I am disappearing, simultaneously.  

Edited by ivankiss
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By trusting you fully, with all my heart, I am handing you over the dagger with which you may or may not stab me in the back. It's a risk that I simply cannot afford to take at this point of my life. If you betray me, it could throw me off track, and worse. I simply cannot let that happen. 

 

I trust you to some extant. But I am not trusting you blindly and without any room left for doubt. I try to be as open as I can but also as cautious as I can.

Edited by ivankiss
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