ivankiss

So that's what 'realer than real' is...

Good to see you too! All is well over here, can't complain. How are you doing?

@Jonas Long Yes, I am aware of that. There are no two in actuality, only one. No perception, only being. No delay, only now. But It seems as if there are two, or many. It seems as if one is perceiving things. That's what this insight is about. If there is perception, there is a delay. That's not arguable. If there is no perception, only pure being, then there is no delay. Only then it is truly now.

@Jonas Long That's kind of the point. Perceiving = lagging, duality Being = now, oneness

It's ok to be human. It's just that what makes you human, is actually keeping you away from fully being here and now. Perception is. Infinite being cannot be fully perceived. That there is perception at all, is a limitation. That which is being perceived must be limited too. Perceptual latency is the time it takes for sensory information to be processed by the mind and become consciously perceived. It can vary depending on the specific sensory modality and the complexity of the stimulus. Generally, perceptual latencies are extremely short, often measured in milliseconds (thousandths of a second). Even though perceptual latency is extremely brief, it still means that there is a delay between the occurrence of a sensory stimulus and our conscious perception of it. As a result, our perception of the world is always slightly lagging behind the actual events happening around us. While the delay may be minuscule, it's enough to suggest that our perception of reality is never truly instantaneous or in 'real time'. It is difficult even for me to believe, but somehow I was able to verify this for myself in 'direct experience'. I mean, milliseconds are really freaking fast, but nothing is faster than the speed of Light. Somehow, at some point, it became obvious to me... There is a lag in perception. Better yet... perception itself is a lag of some sort. Mind = blown. Been fascinated by this for a while... and just now it's all kind of coming together. Thought I would share... Glad to see you all alive and kickin'. Much love.

Someone called my name? 😄

@Phil Here's maybe a bit of an unrelated question... Does the words one chooses to express themselves indicate how awake they are? For example, if there is a lot of self-referential thoughts, a lot of "I's, me's, my's" etc. in the conversation, does that necessarily mean one is asleep and/or lost in identity? Or is it just a way to relate and communicate? Should all I's, me's, my's and names be completely eliminated from one's vocabulary? If so, I think that's ridiculous. But if it occurs naturally, it's interesting - to say the least. Very, very cool. More related question to the original topic... Do self-referential thought, self-defeating, self-limitting, self-harming, etc. thoughts and/or beliefs directly cause pain within the "physical body"? Also, is this pain actually stored in the body(or wherever else), or does it only exist in that precise moment when it arises in awareness? If it's not too bothering to offer some clarity...

Yes, I'd describe it similarly. Doing all of that already, and more. As said, mostly intuitively. I just feel and breathe my way through tension. And that can look like anything. Problem is, I guess, that I'm not consistent with it. I'd do it for a few days or even weeks in a row, and I'd feel so much better... but then something in life happens that throws me off and I stop doing it. Same goes for resistance exercise/lifting.

@Mandy Hmm... It does resonate! Can't say I understand how exactly it functions though 😀Will look into it. Thanks!

It might not make sense, but I do not know how to put it elsewise. I just became aware of how I'm basically skipping a bunch of parts of my body when taking a breath. I am completely tuned out of and disconnected from those parts. I do not feel them. I am ignoring them. And it makes oh so much sense why... Because pain lives there. Lots of lots of pain. So much tensing. My neck and shoulders are close to being completely stuck. Abdominal area is tense AF too. Obliques even more so. It literally started feeling like someone is holding me by the neck and suffocating me. And I just go about my day that way... It's insane. No one should live like this. And the best part is... I more or less know, or can intuit exactly what needs to be done for relief. I just don't do it. I keep suffering for no reason at all. So... Just now, a few minutes ago - if you will, I gathered some strength and courage and took a real, true, full breath. One that was not skipping over all this areas of my body. One that was not afraid. And let me tell you... The pain I felt with that breath... was overwhelming. It was really fucking painful. But oddly enough it was also very, very satisfying. It's as if the moment I dared to feel the pain fully, it started dissolving. Instantaneous relief. Release. I could feel all those tense areas slowly but surely letting air through, expanding and relaxing. It was so satisfying. Not just because of the joy of relief, but also because I felt somehow proud for being able to intuit what I have to do to help myself. It was great. I feel much, much better now. Still not 100% - if you will, but it cannot be compared to how I felt before. God... Why do we resist the things that are clearly and obviously good for us?

I hear you... Thank you so very much for such an in depth reply. You sir rock. I salute you! That's it right there... Love how you put all that. Many thanks.

Does it have to do anything with the breath? Are thoughts and feelings just breath doing weird stuff? Not sure if I understand the musical notes analogy, if you care to elaborate 🙂 I can never find any. It's like it only seems as if it's there... but if you really go looking for it, it disappears. For sure. Looking forward to that.

Conscious of something (a thought or a feeling) is duality, right? And Oneness is just pure, uninterrupted, undisturbed consciousness. Beingness. Right? Why the heck do thoughts and feelings arise then? Where do they come from and where do they go?!

@Phil Why is there a perceived difference between thinking and feeling? Is that what trinity is? Thought, feeling, perception? Just give me something 😅

@Phil Why does that matter?

@Phil Are there thoughts and feelings or not?!😄

For that which is aware of a thought or a feeling. Awareness. So there is no motion and no reflection? Reflection implies duality, ok... but why can there be no motion? So it's consciousness masquerading as a thought or a feeling? How?! Where?! Why?! 😄

Is thought always accompanied by feeling? Is feeling always accompanied by thought? Is thinking and feeling sort of, kind of just two ends of the same rope? Is thought and feeling one and the same? Can there be complete absence of thought? Complete absence of feeling? If there is thought only, there is no motion. The picture is frozen. If there is feeling only, there is no self-reflection. Infinite motion that no one knows about. Does this sound true? How is it all just consciousness? Where and how exactly does consciousness bleed into thoughts and feelings? Magic? Or is there an actual process of some sort? Is there even thought or feeling? Because trying to find a thought or a feeling is always a failure. Is it just a distortion? Like static on a radio station? Is it just noise? Frequency offset...?! I NEED TO KNOW!!! 😄

Within stillness I move.

@Phil Thank you. I'm trying my best not to lose myself in this. Why do I feel this way about her? Why does she seem so shady? There has to be something to that. I think I'm not just imagining stuff here. How would you suggest me to 'flip the script'? What's the message here? I know this girl is not right for me long term, but I do enjoy her company, most of the time. I don't want to end this just yet. I fell in love with her, but some stuff is just completely the opposite of what I stand for. It's super conflicting.

Just finished stretching and working out. The song is coming together real nice. I'd say I'm more than hallway through. Excited about that. Started trading with a small account again, after a long break. Just to warm up a bit. Made 3 very nice trades. 21% growth. Things are good, over all. Real good. I just can't stop feeling shit because of this stuff with Olya. Must find a way around it. I should not be stressing this much over anything, ever. It's really not healthy. Sometimes I get so anxious I feel literally sick and I wanna throw up. I have no idea how can something have an affect like this on me. It really makes no sense. But also, it does. Because... Trauma and all that biz. Oh well... I guess I signed up for it.

I still don't trust her. I simply can't. There's just something off about her. She's shady. Something is just telling me that I should not trust this girl. It's intuition. It's that gut feeling. It's simply me knowing, on a deeper level, with no explanation how exactly. She simply has that vibe about her. I'm always kind of on edge, expecting her to pull the rug. I simply feel like she's not true. Not real. And it's not just that I feel this way for no reason whatsoever. She does have a long history of cheating, lying, manipulating, playing all kinds of games, being opportunistic, etc. She does not value truth, integrity, loyalty, respect... She comes from a different background. Corruption. Exploitation. Taking advantage. Cheat to win. And so on. I don't know what to think of her. Yes, she does have some amazing qualities, but that all kind of gets ruined when you see all the nasty stuff hiding beneath. We're doing good though. Laughing a lot, talking, trying to resolve some of our issues, going out, staying in, cooking great food, and of course, still having mind blowing sex. So that's all nice and great. But there is some foundational stuff that we don't have in place. Something is always a bit off in the background. And I know that's for a reason. But at the end of the day, this is just me, more or less. It's my thoughts and feelings. My perspectives. I cannot really say that she actually did anything wild or outrageous these past few months. It's almost as if she's trying to become this perfect girlfriend that I need right now. But I am questioning the authenticity of that. It might be all an act. Wink wink. We believe, so we're misled We assume, so we're played We confide, so we're deceived We trust, so we're betrayed

Deep in writing a new track. Loving how it sounds so far. What it's trying to say too. Things are pretty good in every other area too. Me and Olya are getting along nice. An occasional little fight here and there. Sex is still insanely good. Money is coming in. Getting back into trading slowly. Exercising, eating better... All is well. I'm on track.

@Cupcake Thank you 🙂

I am not as active in this journal lately, as I would like to be. But perhaps that's for the best. I just don't feel the pull to write during my days. Or maybe I don't feel like I have that many thoughts to express. OR... I am supressing stuff because I am not courageous enough to be vulnerable and open up. Perhaps a mix of all that. Briefly, I would say that I am on track, heading in the right direction. I am doubting a lot, there are challenges and temptations, old patterns are re-emerging and saying their final goodbyes... There is a lot going on. But I feel like I'm handling it all good. I'm surfing the waves. Setting an intention to write more in-depth what's going on now-days.