will of the heart

[ivankiss]

...And that's it. Just walked out of the dentist's. My final visit. Everything is as it should be now. My teeth are all nice and healthy. If I decided I could do a few minor beauty touches in the future, but it's really not necessary for now. Everything looks great as it is. But mainly, it's all healthy.

 

Now I just have to do a routine check every six months. I never practiced that in the past. Also gotta quit smoking asap. I know that's the biggest factor.

 

Very happy and satisfied. This was one of the biggest things that  I wanted to do in a very long while. Such a big shift.

[ivankiss]

Exited with a loss. Not a good loss, either. But it was totally deserved. I traded against the trend, which is just stupid. I thought there was going to be a reversal, which is trading the future, not trading what's actually going on the chart right now. So yeah, it was just a bad move. I was rushing into a trade again.

 

Still in profit from my initial deposit, big time. But I'm not moving forward as fast as I would like to. Not nearly.

 

It should take me two or three trades to recover from this loss. Or one really, really good trade.

 

Bummer.

[ivankiss]

I'm having doubts about moving to Serbia. Not to much, but enough to make me feel... well... idk... not at peace.

 

Honesty, I don't like the environment when I think about it. People live in very poor conditions there, most of them are depressed AF and/or are quite aggressive. I don't like using the term, but it's really a 'low vibe place'. The city itself is kinda lame and dirty and boring. I don't know if I can see myself living there. Even if it's for a few months only.

 

I really just need a cheap apartment to lock myself in and do my thing at peace. But is moving there just because it is cheap a good idea? I'm not sure. Also, I've been reading stuff online a bit, and apparently it's not even that cheap. Basic stuff is nearly the same price as here. What's quite less expensive is rent. 

 

Truth is, if I was not wanting to perfect trading and quit '9-5', I would not be moving there, for sure. It simply does not resonate. But it seems like it's the only place where I can live for the next six months or so with the savings I have. Anywhere else I'd have to keep working a day job that I hate. Nothing would change.

 

Is it too soon to make this jump? Should I keep grinding for some more time, and trade on the side? Idk.

 

30 days left till the end of this phase. And then I'll just have to go with what seems like the best choice.

[ivankiss]

Of course... Price already bounced back up. Looks like it's going to be a reversal after all. But even if not, I could have minimized my loss, or break even. Bummer, indeed.

 

I know this is only because I have not been doing too good lately. I'm not that focused, centered, motivated, etc.

 

Living under the circumstances that I do is simply affecting me too much. It's really a lame ass way of living. Can't wait to be through with this.

[ivankiss]

I will achieve everything that I wanted in this phase. I'll have more money on my bank account than ever before, everything that I need to make music, nice and healthy teeth, bigger muscles, nice clothes, etc. But I'd be lying if I said I did not feel like absolute shit 90% of the time, throughout this whole transformation. It was awful.

 

I had to say no to everything. Had no place of my own, no friends, no girlfriend, no going out, no fun whatsoever. I was purely goal oriented. Working hard AF at a job that I cannot stand. Juggling all this other stuff in the background. Resolving stuff from my childhood. I mean, it was just super intense. I would definitely not repeat it. But I know it had to be done. There's no way I'd achieve all these things in such a short period of time otherwise. It was the only way to make it happen.

 

30 more days. 30 more fucking days of this madness. I can do it! I hate it, it sucks major ass, but I will do it.  I need that last paycheck.

[ivankiss]

Hearts will burn come what may
With lessons learned along the way
To free myself I make a choice
Just to be heard I lose my voice

Finding strength in solitude
I fight to fly with much to prove
Is this the way it's meant to be?
I risk it all I will not fall

Carry the weight of the world
On my shoulders
Rise to the challenge I set myself

Salvation waits without reprieve
I'm on a razor's edge and it cuts my feet
As good as life will ever get
I wish that I could give it up and go home

"The blood drawn from the Atlas Stone
It draws a path from hell to home"

Fight to survive
Succumb to the path
Conquer the fear and nothing will fail
The quest to define this strunggle of mine
Gravity defied
I climb beyond heights

Carry the weight of the world
On my shoulders
Rise to the challenge I set myself

Shadows of doubt creep into the light
A glimmer of hope never out of sight

Out of sight

Paralyzed under supressive fire
Holding firm against a thin red line

Out of mind

Shadows of doubt creep into the light
A glimmer of hope never out of sight

Out of sight

Paralyzed under supressive fire
Holding firm against a thin red line

Out of mind

Carry the weight of the world
Rise to the challenge I set myself

[ivankiss]

I guess I got my smile back haha! It's strange!

 

[ivankiss]

Earlier I contacted a girl from my hometown in Serbia. A childhood friend. I asked what's the situation like when it comes to finding an apartment, what are the prices like, etc. She provided me with a few web pages, and thankfully, it seems like there is no shortage of apartments whatsoever. Plenty of really nice places for a really nice price. It kinda sparked something in me. She also gave me a contact of a few tattoo artists, and those are really good too. Much cheaper than here as well. So all of that looks nice so far. But something is still not clicking 100% for me... Maybe that's just how it should be. Maybe I shouldn't be absolutely certain of my next move.

 

So here's the deal. I can easily pay for 6 months up front for an apartment in Serbia and live comfortably there, doing nothing but what I want to do. Trade, make music, work out, hang out here and there, etc. I could buy myself even more time, but I really think that's unnecessary. A 6 months window is more than enough for that next chapter. It's enough for me to figure out whether I'm going to be able to trade for living only, and do whatever the heck I want. If I make it, on spring I would embark on another journey and travel who knows where. If not, I'd come back to Slovenia and get a job, keep working on 'making it' in the background.

 

But another pull in a different direction that I feel these days is going back north to Maribor in October. There I could buy myself a 3 months long window. And I would have to live in a privet room in a hostel. Not a full blown apartment. Which would not bother me too much, but it's definitely not the same. I guess the reason why I'm attracted to this path is because the city is quite familiar, I know quite a few people, etc.  But mainly, if things go south, I could get a job in no time and go back to that lifestyle. Rent a full apartment, work 8 hours a day and do my stuff in my free time. While getting a day job in Serbia is just not an option. Salaries are crazy small there. It would just not make any sense. By staying in MB I'd have to give up getting a tattoo for a while though. It's just too expensive. But I think I would survive that haha.

 

So yeah, I don't really know. Maybe my mind is searching for something familiar and some kind of a safety net. Maybe I'm also kinda afraid of making this jump and leaving my former self and my way of living behind, forever. Maybe I fear failure. Maybe success. I cannot really tell just yet. It's been 7 years or so since the last time I visited my hometown in Serbia. Most people I know I haven't seen in 10 or 15 years. But I know there would be eyes on me from left and right. The word would spread fast. And I don't know if I like that. It might become a big distraction, or barrier.

 

All in all, I guess I'm kinda starting to feel excited about this. It's really close now. I'm really doing this haha! It does not seem so much out of my reach anymore. It does not seem impossible, or like it's a fantasy or anything like that. There is a very, very big chance that I'm going to pull this off for real, this very winter. And then I'm good for life. I don't have to worry about all this money stuff and not being able to do what I want stuff, ever again.

 

God be with me haha!

[ivankiss]

Another big factor is, and I cannot lie about that, is that I really want a girlfriend in this next chapter. Or at least a really good friend with benefits, that I get along with really good. And for some reason, in my mind that would be easier to achieve in Maribor. Maybe it's because I already have a girl or two like that there, maybe because I believe Slovenia girls are more open and (not to sound like a dick) but easier, maybe because I believe Serbian girls like to play hard to get and go for money only or those typical macho guys... I don't know. It's all just noise in my mind, I'm sure. Garbage. I'm sure I could find a girl in both places, if I put in some effort. Maybe even without any effort.

 

I just really want some female company. And I'm not sure if those are just withdrawals and I should overcome the urges and stay super focused on my goals, or I should give myself a break and have some fun, or what. I feel like I'd be much more motivated and inspired if I had a girl to chill with here and there. I'm 28 after all. I guess it's only natural that I want these things. I cannot really see anything wrong with it. I'm not trying to be a monk or a priest here. This is already by far the longest period that I went without some regular female company. It wasn't easy at all. But I guess I kinda, sorta got used to it. So yeah, I wouldn't die without it, but it would be so much nicer with it.

[ivankiss]

So, the girl that I contacted yesterday just texted me that if I indeed decide to move to Serbia, I can stay at her place for a few days, until I find myself an apartment. And that's awesome, in more than one way haha!

[ivankiss]

Oh my fucking God. I cannot believe this. No fucking way.

 

An absolutely gorgeous Ukrainian Goddess picked me up at work last night, and we ended up having a long night of incredibly good sex. Like, it was as good as it gets, and better. Pure magic.

 

Just walked out of her place. We slept 3 hours and had sex for at least 6 hours lol. I cannot even process how good this was. Pure passion. Pure fire. Pure desire. Pure love.

 

I'll write a bit more about it later.

 

Jesus fucking Christ.

[ivankiss]

God... I still cannot believe just how magical last night was. We not only fucked each other's brains out, but we also made deep, passionate love. It was clear to both of us that we instantly 'fell in love' with each other. It was just so pure and so real. So nasty and wild. A perfect balance of softness and craziness. As animalistic and as beautiful as it gets.

 

I am very, very tempted to write into my sex diary back on actualized.org again. Simply because this experience was something way too special. I want to be able to remember it in detail and go back to it in the future. I might just do that.

 

She was pretty much begging me to keep seeing her for the next 20 days, while I'm still here. I was kinda hesitant, and that was clearly only turning her on more. She was just insanely horny.

 

I don't want this to turn into a distraction of some sort, or throw me 'off track'. I don't want it to lose its magic, either. So yeah, everyday for 20 days is not a good idea. We were both also just too damn sore towards the end of our adventure. My thing was on fire lol. She felt the same. It's just too damn intense to be an everyday thing. But I'm definitely looking forward to seeing her a few more times.

 

God... She just kept cumming, and cumming, and cumming... and it seemed like she could go on forever. I, on the other hand, had some difficulties with being able to cum. I came once in those six hours, and I had to give it my all. I was just too desensitized. Anxiety was doing it's thing too. I was not rock hard all the time. At times I was, then I'd go soft, and then very hard again, and so on. But it really was not an issue. I'm kinda proud of myself, because I was completely sober. Did not smoke or drink. She did both though lol. Kinda made me wish that I was still smoking weed. However, I knew that if I was to get high it wouldn't have been a pleasant experience. I'd probably become paranoid and super anxious. I'd need at least a week to get used to weed again. And even though that would make me rock hard all the time, I really think that's not a good idea. This might be a perfect opportunity for me to practice staying focused and hard completely sober. Simply because the vibe between us is so damn good. It's so open and relaxed and mature and real. There is nothing to hide or be ashamed of.

 

I could go on and on with this, obviously, but I think I'm going to save it for my sex diary, if indeed I decide to write in it. This is not the place to go too deep in detail.

 

What a night... what a girl... Fuck!

 

 

[ivankiss]

One of the things that she said during the night, that kinda hit deep, was:

 

'You're an artist. You're supposed to suffer. Make the most of it. Use it as fuel.'

 

What's causing me to suffer is my very attempt to escape suffering.

[ivankiss]

Wrote a full entry in my sex diary. It just had to be done. It was way too damn good to become a foggy memory. 

 

Obviously, she's on my mind this whole time. But I did not reach out just yet. She does not have my number, so it has to be me. I'm pretty sure I'm going to text her later today.

 

God... what a movie.

Edited September 4, 2022 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

And it's on. Round two, tonight.

[Phil]

On 5/8/2022 at 5:27 PM, ivankiss said:

I see no downsides. I just have to muster up some courage and confidence

You focused on what you wanted, just keep receiving it. 🙂 A receptionist even. Source is so funny.

Congrats!

[ivankiss]

@Phil Thanks! It's too funny, yes. Too damn good. Unbelievable, truly. It's more than I've been asking for, and it came out of nowhere.

 

Pure fucking magic.

 

[ivankiss]

Yes, last night was even better. It's impossible.

 

I smoked some CBD, and all of my anxiety was out the door. I felt incredibly good in my body. Relaxed and present. I was also rock hard throughout the whole night. 

 

It really cannot be put into words. I don't think I ever experienced anything this damn beautiful.

[ivankiss]

Well shit. This escalated super fast...

 

I spoke with the landlord of the apartment where Ukrainian Goddess is staying; I'm moving into a room right next to hers, tomorrow.

 

What. The. Actual. Fuck. 

 

This is just too good!

[ivankiss]

Wake up, move out
Do what you wanna do and never have a doubt about it
New day, new life
Claim everything you want to see if you've never been without it

New dawn
Isn't it beautiful?
As you are beautiful

Remove, your veil
You hold onto the wisdom, you that woke the wave of contact.
A blink, of an eye,
take a breath as if it's going to be your final moment

Its time you claimed it for your own
Even if it means going alone
The path less travelled will eventually lead you

New dawn
Isn't it beautiful?
As you are beautiful

Within your means
Is what it means
Even if it means
To take it seriously
Seriously

Time you claimed it for your own
Even if it means going alone
The path less travelled will eventually lead you

Death in lies the wisdom of the mother
through the eyes the essence of the father
To connect and in the single reflection
you raise the vibration that keeps you

Isn't it beautiful?
As you are beautiful