ivankiss Posted January 23, 2023 Author Share Posted January 23, 2023 And we had another little fight last night/this morning. She was texting some dude from the bed, at 4 am, right after we had sex. I got triggered. Of course stuff like this bothers me. There's always some dude. Some 'friend'. And the thing is, all of these friends want to fuck her. And she knows that. She enjoys the attention. The sexual tension. She gets high on it. I'm not making it up. She admitted this to my face many times. It's just disgusting to me. It often makes me sick in the stomach, literally. I don't know what to do about this stuff. It's just such a big a part of who she is. It's how she navigates reality. By flirting with all these dudes and dragging them along, and in return they do little favours for her every now and then. It's a survival mechanism more than anything else. Honestly, I hate it. But I have to roll with it while we're hanging out, I guess. It is what it is. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted January 24, 2023 Author Share Posted January 24, 2023 Good day yesterday. We managed to let go of our grudges and turn things around. Bought her a few smaller gifts, she was happy. Great sex before sleep again. In the morning too. I'm still not 100% sure what direction to take this new song in. I'd like to write something a bit more empowering and uplifting. This first song was quite gloomy. I love writing sad, dark and depressing stuff, but I feel like I can leave that for a bit later. I think it's not relevant to go there just yet. I want to express a different kind of emotion now. Having some trouble with my guitar plugin, again. Cannot login, for whatever reason. Have to figure that stuff out before I start writing. All is well. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted January 28, 2023 Author Share Posted January 28, 2023 Not much is happening. Feeling good these days, overall. Me and Olya are doing good. Occasional smaller fights here and there. Nothing too serious. I feel the love. Started writing a new song. I have a good feeling about it. Going for a walk now. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted February 5, 2023 Author Share Posted February 5, 2023 (edited) I am not as active in this journal lately, as I would like to be. But perhaps that's for the best. I just don't feel the pull to write during my days. Or maybe I don't feel like I have that many thoughts to express. OR... I am supressing stuff because I am not courageous enough to be vulnerable and open up. Perhaps a mix of all that. Briefly, I would say that I am on track, heading in the right direction. I am doubting a lot, there are challenges and temptations, old patterns are re-emerging and saying their final goodbyes... There is a lot going on. But I feel like I'm handling it all good. I'm surfing the waves. Setting an intention to write more in-depth what's going on now-days. Edited February 5, 2023 by ivankiss Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted February 22, 2023 Author Share Posted February 22, 2023 Deep in writing a new track. Loving how it sounds so far. What it's trying to say too. Things are pretty good in every other area too. Me and Olya are getting along nice. An occasional little fight here and there. Sex is still insanely good. Money is coming in. Getting back into trading slowly. Exercising, eating better... All is well. I'm on track. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted March 3, 2023 Author Share Posted March 3, 2023 I still don't trust her. I simply can't. There's just something off about her. She's shady. Something is just telling me that I should not trust this girl. It's intuition. It's that gut feeling. It's simply me knowing, on a deeper level, with no explanation how exactly. She simply has that vibe about her. I'm always kind of on edge, expecting her to pull the rug. I simply feel like she's not true. Not real. And it's not just that I feel this way for no reason whatsoever. She does have a long history of cheating, lying, manipulating, playing all kinds of games, being opportunistic, etc. She does not value truth, integrity, loyalty, respect... She comes from a different background. Corruption. Exploitation. Taking advantage. Cheat to win. And so on. I don't know what to think of her. Yes, she does have some amazing qualities, but that all kind of gets ruined when you see all the nasty stuff hiding beneath. We're doing good though. Laughing a lot, talking, trying to resolve some of our issues, going out, staying in, cooking great food, and of course, still having mind blowing sex. So that's all nice and great. But there is some foundational stuff that we don't have in place. Something is always a bit off in the background. And I know that's for a reason. But at the end of the day, this is just me, more or less. It's my thoughts and feelings. My perspectives. I cannot really say that she actually did anything wild or outrageous these past few months. It's almost as if she's trying to become this perfect girlfriend that I need right now. But I am questioning the authenticity of that. It might be all an act. Wink wink. We believe, so we're misled We assume, so we're played We confide, so we're deceived We trust, so we're betrayed Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted March 3, 2023 Author Share Posted March 3, 2023 Just finished stretching and working out. The song is coming together real nice. I'd say I'm more than hallway through. Excited about that. Started trading with a small account again, after a long break. Just to warm up a bit. Made 3 very nice trades. 21% growth. Things are good, over all. Real good. I just can't stop feeling shit because of this stuff with Olya. Must find a way around it. I should not be stressing this much over anything, ever. It's really not healthy. Sometimes I get so anxious I feel literally sick and I wanna throw up. I have no idea how can something have an affect like this on me. It really makes no sense. But also, it does. Because... Trauma and all that biz. Oh well... I guess I signed up for it. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Posted March 3, 2023 Share Posted March 3, 2023 Feel the anxiety fully. Flip the script. Don’t wish it away, honor it, embrace it, receive the message of it. Allow it to clarify your thinking, rather than thinking about it. Quote Mention YouTube Website Sessions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted March 4, 2023 Author Share Posted March 4, 2023 @Phil Thank you. I'm trying my best not to lose myself in this. Why do I feel this way about her? Why does she seem so shady? There has to be something to that. I think I'm not just imagining stuff here. How would you suggest me to 'flip the script'? What's the message here? I know this girl is not right for me long term, but I do enjoy her company, most of the time. I don't want to end this just yet. I fell in love with her, but some stuff is just completely the opposite of what I stand for. It's super conflicting. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted April 22, 2023 Author Share Posted April 22, 2023 Within stillness I move. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joseph Maynor Posted February 17 Share Posted February 17 (edited) @ivankiss You should come back on here dude. I appreciate your perspective. Edited February 17 by Joseph Maynor Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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