will of the heart

[ivankiss]

It was a great day. I recieved what I've been asking for, but still, I do not feel that good. I wish I was more grateful for today's gifts.

 

I made new friends. A guy and a girl. We connected on a very deep level. He is some kind of a therapist and she is a very free-spirited artist. 'My kind of people' - it could be said. Yet I kept pulling away, every time it became a bit too much for me. I mostly felt small and weak, and I wanted to hide or run away.

 

She left at some point for some time. The guy suggested that we should do a quick session. So I laid down and he started scanning my body. I did not know what to expect. I've never done anything like this before. He kept placing his hands on different parts of my body and it was great to feel the touch of another. I was craving it pretty badly. He spent a lot of time on my chest and throat. I just kept breathing. Thoughts were racing and I realized I was avoiding feeling. I was afraid to go there... but then it just started happening. At first it was just a few tears running down my cheeks, but soon enough it turned into full on crying with my whole body. Shaking like crazy. I sat up and hugged him like I would hug a parent or an older brother. I kept crying and crying on his shoulder. The stuff just kept pouring out of me. 

 

He was holding space beautifully. Strong and immovable like a rock, but also gentle and comforting at the same time. I could not look into his eyes for too long. I felt a lot of shame. Not because I was crying in the middle of the beach, but because of what I have become. Because of how broken and lost I was.

 

I kept thanking him, though I felt like that wasn't enough. I wanted to return the favour right away, but I had not much to give. I ended up buying him a meal and we sat some more by the sea. My heart was more at ease.

 

He invited me back to his place and soon the girl joined us again. She was just super bubbly and so free... it kept reminding me of my ex real hard. I could not help it. The cute little noises and sighs she was making, the way she was being silly, the sound of her voice, the way she was dancing and jumping around... It was all way too similar.

 

I shared that with the guy at some point and he said it's a gift for me from the Universe. Maybe that's so, but I cannot deny it kept triggering the crap out of me. Then again, it was also nice to have some feminine energy around.

 

He and I talked for some time about nonduality/reality/consciousness. It was nice to finally have someone to talk to about all that stuff, face to face. But I felt like I was coming from this foggy, confused place and something wasn't quite clicking. I knew so much, yet I knew nothing at all.

 

We then took a little trip to a beautiful spot in nature, above the city. The view was really quite something. There we did some grounding exercises to connect more with our bodies. I played some guitar, sang a bit, contemplated and meditated. But soon I kinda had enough of it all and started disconnecting again. I also noticed they were having some romantic issues and were not quite on the same page... so the energy dipped a bit towards the end of our trip.

 

He opened up a bit to me about his worries regarding their relationship. I saw so much of my former self, my former life and story, in both of them. But I said not much. Did not want to project stuff onto them.

 

When I got back home, I felt like I was feeling before. Like I'm not really where I want to be. Like I'm not doing what I really want to do. Like I'm out of place. I felt tired so I fell asleep quickly. Woke up from a dream in which I was having a threesome with two super hot girls lol. It was nice not to have a nightmare for a change.

 

I'm still grieving, there's no way around it. It's written on my forehead, too. That's one of the first things the guy said he noticed around me. I'm still afraid, for no reason whatsoever. I crave closeness and connection, but I also want to hide from the world. I'm caught between this or that, left or right, here or there. Again.

 

I wish I was more grateful. I wish I could trust myself again, have faith and clarity again. I wish I could feel good in my body, not trying to check out or hover above. I wish I was genuinely at peace, focused and centred.

 

I wish I wasn't the way I am. There, I said it.

[Annie]

You're weird around women...

Maybe don't bother them anymore...?

Like... what's up with this journaling around all these women you meet?

Are we allowed to be honest here on this forum or no?

Cause if not, I can peace out no problebo, but...

 

You remind me of the pure narcissism that my ex would display, under the pretense of artistic ... improvement?

But he was a moderate level artist who used his emotions wrongly, and thus the people around him...

For the sake of mulling himself to oblivion...

So... what are you even doing here, pretending to be a poetic spiritual... what, even...

 

You're just like everyone else, you're not this artsy fartsy dude... it's an act.

Are you going to get rid of that, or just carry over to here?

Is that what everyone here is about?  

Carrying over the same stuff?

Been there, done that.

 

Hope you like my "poem".  Grow up.

Edited April 21, 2022 by Annie

[ivankiss]

@Annie It's the same girl. Lilia.

Met her again and she introduced me to her boyfriend.

 

Your poem sucks.

 

Don't appreciate your thoughts really, but what can you do... Your assumptions are totally off and it's clear that you're projecting nonsense onto me, for whatever reason. Probably because you too are in pain.

 

I've been active on actualized.org for years, came here to test the waters. Might not stay for too long.

 

Until then, try to avoid me, ok? Thanks.

Edited April 21, 2022 by ivankiss

[Annie]

Good 

You treat women like throw away objects.

I saw your thread on actualized, you are not a very good person underneath it all, you are a self centered sort of introvert-esque kind of person.

 

I feel so so so sorry for the women that run into you.  I really do.  I feel for them, because I have dealt with guys like you.

You would legit be best off starting a journal away from it all.  Not on either forum, but nowhere at all, where no one witnesses you, or knows of you.

 

As far as avoiding - I generally avoid most men, but I will occasionally do what I please.

Edited April 21, 2022 by Annie

[ivankiss]

@Annie Oh I see. You hate men so now I'm a target for you to project all that nastiness upon. I've delt with women like that too, and still, I don't go out there, or on here, and attack random strangers, thinking that I know exactly who they are and what they're going through.

 

The women in my life were all loved and respected, and I'm sure if you lined them all up, they'd have little to nothing bad to say about their relationships with me. Maybe with one exception lol.

 

I went through a phase of just hooking up, yes, but I was not throwing women away like trash. I spoke to them honestly and clearly about my intentions and desires. I've also been in long term relationships. So again, nothing you say is true about me, but it still hurts, because of all the abuse I've been on the receiving end of and because of me being in this fucked up healing phase - or whatever it is. 

 

Thanks though, it felt good to clarify these things to myself. I don't really care about what you think. Just want to be at peace in my mind.

[ivankiss]

Well, looks like I'm officially homeless as of now.

 

I've been staying at my mother's place for the past two or three months. Got sick with covid and it was pretty bad. I was unable to take care of myself for quite a while. I'm grateful she took me in, but as soon as I started feeling better, the atmosphere  changed. There is simply too much unresolved shit between us and it was clear to me that I can stay no longer. We got into a short but super intense fight this morning. She said some pretty nasty stuff.... 'We are done forever! You will come not even to my grave!'

 

She's very sick. I cannot not see or understand where she's coming from. But I also cannot share a roof with her. I had to draw the line and leave.

 

I have no plans for now. Got a car, a few hundred bucks on my bank account, an old lap top and my guitars. But more importantly, I got myself. My dignity, my pride, my freedom of choice. Freedom to breathe freely.

 

No real friends, no girlfriend, no one I could reach out to. And even if there was someone, I doubt I would. I am where I am for a very good reason. It sucks, but it also kinda feels right.

 

The two options I can think of right now are

a) I drive to a new city I decide on, sell the car, get an apartment and a job, and start over. 

b) I live on the road, in my car and/or camp in nature for a while, shower and clean myself in cheap hostels or wherever I get the chance. Basically go hippy for some time. 

 

I had everything and lost everything before, but I feel this time it's different. Not sure what to expect. I only pray to God that I stay healthy. Everything else I can deal with.

 

Regarding my mother, I feel so much pain, for both of us. I was crying buckets of tears while driving away. This may as well be the last time I ever saw her. I pray for her wellbeing too.

 

All is well.

[ivankiss]

I've been moving around since I was a kid. Even more since I entered my 20s. So that's nothing new. What sucks is that I'm not in the best condition exactly. My mind is foggy, vision is blurry, I have minor but annoying headaches and I get dizzy. Not to mention the on and off anxiety and depression.

 

Could be that I'm still feeling some symptoms of covid, or it could be all trauma related. Not sure. I just hope I can breathe my way through it all.

 

It also sucks that I don't have a bit more money, but I think I have enough to get me through this phase. 

 

Must not lose time though. Today I rest, but tomorrow I have to start making some crucial decisions.

[ivankiss]

First meal in my car was great. I'm in a city well known to me at the moment. Been living here years ago. Cannot lie... I cannot stand the place. Would not live here unless I truly had no other options.

 

I'm thinking of heading towards the capital, and possibly even further north. The easiest way out would be to go back to where I was before I got sick... I know the place well, and I could get at least a room, in no time. But something's telling me that's not the right decision. I feel like I need a brand new beginning. Even if that means I'd be struggling more.

 

Yet again, life shows me a simple truth: 

It's easy to be all 'love and light', while chilling on your couch, doing nothing. It's easy to be all blissed out when life's going your way. What's more challenging is to stay true when shit gets flipped upside down. It's a completely different path.

[ivankiss]

Took a little nap, feeling as calm and at peace as I can be right now. 

 

There is a job opportunity that kinda grabbed my attention. It's in the field of transportation and logistics. I'd be basically driving a combi van and delivering goods across EU. It's really well paid too, more than what I've been used to anyways, so that's another plus. I like the idea, but I'm not 100% sure about it just yet. Maybe I'm not a good fit.

 

I've been working in the field of tourism/catering for the past few years. That's what I'm most experienced in and also quite good at. But I really want to switch lanes. I'm tired of working with big crowds of people, it's too stressful and draining. However, if I don't get another option, I'll have to bite the bullet on this one. Can't stay unemployed for too long.

 

Did not check into a hostel/motel, I'm gonna try sleeping in my car tonight. Found a nice spot.

[Faith]

@Annie Please re-read the guidelines.

 

Your words come across as very judgemental. Members have a right to speak honest thoughts/feelings on the forum, especially in their own journal and so long as they are following the guidelines they shouldn't have fear that they will be attacked for no reason.

 

If you are triggered, because of your ex-boyfriend, that's your issue. Perhaps stay off @ivankiss journals or better yet, use the ignore feature on the forum. 

 

Thanks

 

 

[Faith]

21 hours ago, ivankiss said:

It's the same girl. Lilia.

Met her again and she introduced me to her boyfriend.

Wow, that's amazing! Small world I remember thinking you'd probably never see her again. Nice that that universe put you together again.

 

15 hours ago, ivankiss said:

Regarding my mother, I feel so much pain, for both of us. I was crying buckets of tears while driving away. This may as well be the last time I ever saw her. I pray for her wellbeing too.

Awe, I'm sorry 😞 

 

My bio mother had a "lot" of problems. I'll just say my sister and I were taken from her when I was 6. She had visitation when we were kids.

 

Her "problems" continued on until she died 4 years ago. Several times I stopped speaking to her for several years at a time, the emotional abuse during her alcoholic binges and manic times was just really bad. However, she loved me and deep down I knew it, regardless of all the nasty things she said and did. So, when she really needed me I'd come back, until she'd ruin it again.

 

The pattern continued... and I was on another break from her four years ago, until I got word she was very sick and I came back again. Long story short she got better for a couple days, she apologized as always, then took a turn for the worse, had a major complication and died. 

 

If you love each other, then let some time heal the words that were said, but as long as you're not dealing with terrible abuse. Let her know you're okay and try to mend fences a bit that's my best advice. If not, the guilt will probably eat you up or it did me, even though I knew I had good reason to stay away. It wasn't easy. 

 

💙

 

[Tarak]

@ivankissI hear you, man. Your first post screams "difficulty to accept yourself". Know that all the reasons you don't accept yourself for, are concepts that you believe about yourself. You are perfect, you are exactly what you are supposed to be at this moment in time. Don't let anyone, nor yourself make you think otherwise. There is only one that can do the acceptance, though,  and that's you.

That can't be said about relationships (like with your mother). It's no use to try to make something work if at least one in the relationship doesn't want to at least try. I've been in a similar, though not as wrecked situation with my parents, we didn't speak for over 2 years and we still don't say much. Acceptance that it just is what it is right now, might be your only option.

I read you are in EU? I'm from Belgium. If you would need a place to crash for a few weeks until you get things straight, I can help you with a couch in my living room.

[ivankiss]

I slept surprisingly well. Kept waking up every 2 or 3 hours, but my mind and heart were at peace. Watched a good movie on my laptop and had some good laughs. Fell asleep to the sound of the rain.

 

Off to a nearby gas station to clean myself and stuff, and then I might do a little walk in nature. Perhaps some yoga and meditation. Still not entirely sure about my next big step.

 

Thank you @Faith It's nice to have someone to relate to in times like this.

 

I mainly fear that she will do something stupid, like shoot herself up with a lethal dose of insulin or whatever. I don't know how I would be able to deal with something like that. There's already enough on my plate.

 

She's in a very bad spot and has lost touch with herself. At least that's how I see it. I know the things she says and does are not truly who she are... She just has some serious issues.

 

Got scared for her for a moment last night, so I panicked and called. She did not answer. Early in the morning she sent a text and I let her know that I'm worried for her. She said she wishes they did not find her when she fell into a coma back then... I mean, this stuff is really hard to digest. I feel guilty for no real reason, and I feel like it's preventing me from moving forward the way I would like to. 

 

She does not know where I am or what I am up to. I would like to go no contact for a while. But I'm afraid. The last time I did it, she barely survived. I have this feeling that I was her only meaning and purpose in life and now she has no more will to live. It's a heavy burden to carry around.

 

Yesterday I departed in peace, not in anger. Even though I had every reason and right to slam the door and not even look at her. I simply could not help myself but think of her condition and show a little bit of compassion. I did not want her to think I'm done with her forever.

 

Not a word came out of my mouth while I was packing my stuff... but before I walked out the door I hugged her with tears in my eyes and left a kiss on her shoulder. It said everything words could not.

 

Never heard the word 'sorry' come from her, not for me, not for anybody else. It would be nice to see that she acknowledges at least some of the stuff she did wrong... but I doubt it will happen.

 

May she find the strength within.

[ivankiss]

@Tarak Thank you man. I know what you mean and it's something I've been struggling with on and off. I feel like I'm on the right track now.

 

Thank you for offering me a place to stay too, it's really nice of you. But I doubt it would be a good move. Belgium is quite far from where I am atm. I'm in Slovenia for now.

 

If I do decide on driving in that direction though, I will reach out to you.

 

Blessings.

[Loop]

@ivankiss

 

Wish you well with all that you are going through. 

 

Well I have never been unwillingly homeless one time one of my friends father started being aggressive with him so he started living in the woods. I went out there with him, we built a shelter out of sticks and caught fish. Eventually he started walking back to the city to look for work each day, found a job, got an aparentment and now is doing way better. Helping my friend go through that really helped me see how much hards times build character. Priceless life lessons to be had in situations like this. 

 

May you find the home you are looking for, & may you never lose the Home in your heart. ❤

Edited April 22, 2022 by Loop

[ivankiss]

@Loop Thanks. That's quite inspiring. 

 

I know I have it in me, to go through whatever it takes. But there is also a lot of doubt and uncertainty in my mind.

 

In a sense, I am homeless by choice, too. I could've stayed a bit longer at my mother's place, dance to her whistling, and suffer in silence... The idea was that after I recover fully from covid, I'd start working, split some expenses with her and slowly save up to 5k or so. I needed the money to invest it into music equipment, my trading account, etc.

 

Have to find another way now. Getting a job and an apartment is really just the first step for me - if I decide to go down that road.

[ivankiss]

The other option I mentioned (living in my car, etc.) would give me all the time and freedom I want to move around, connect with cool people and most importantly focus fully on trading.

 

I've been trading on and off for 3+ years now, and there was always something that threw me off track. Maybe this is what I needed all along. Little to no responsibilities and expenses and a lot of free time. The price I'd have to pay is giving up being comfortable for a while.

 

Plenty of people start their online business from their cars and on the road. It can totally be done. And the money I have right now should be more than enough of an investment. I would have to be very careful though. Cannot afford losing it. Although I am expecting to receive the same amount I have now, maybe even a bit more, next month.

 

I'm just not sure if that's the right choice. I'd be risking and sacrificing a lot, and it might not work out at all. 

 

Getting a regular job and moving into an apartment surely seems like the safer and more convenient option.... but I've been there before. Living from paycheck to paycheck, having little to no time and motivation to do what I really wanted.

 

I don't know... I really don't. 

 

Going for a nice long walk now. It stopped raining.

[ivankiss]

Left or right?

 

Edited April 22, 2022 by ivankiss

[Loop]

Left becuase its higher up, so maybe you'll find a nice view? 😀

[Loop]

58 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

I know I have it in me, to go through whatever it takes. But there is also a lot of doubt and uncertainty in my mind.

 

In a sense, I am homeless by choice, too. I could've stayed a bit longer at my mother's place, dance to her whistling, and suffer in silence... 

 

Yeah I understand I had to leave and have no contact with my parents for awhile becuase I didn't wanna deal with their issues well I was trying to figure out my own. Had to have a lot of alone time to clear myself from the tension of that and re-focus myself. Seeing it as a process really helps, embracing the uncertainty. 

 

No better time to connect with Nature, nice big trees! 🌲