ivankiss Posted April 21, 2022 Share Posted April 21, 2022 It was a great day. I recieved what I've been asking for, but still, I do not feel that good. I wish I was more grateful for today's gifts. I made new friends. A guy and a girl. We connected on a very deep level. He is some kind of a therapist and she is a very free-spirited artist. 'My kind of people' - it could be said. Yet I kept pulling away, every time it became a bit too much for me. I mostly felt small and weak, and I wanted to hide or run away. She left at some point for some time. The guy suggested that we should do a quick session. So I laid down and he started scanning my body. I did not know what to expect. I've never done anything like this before. He kept placing his hands on different parts of my body and it was great to feel the touch of another. I was craving it pretty badly. He spent a lot of time on my chest and throat. I just kept breathing. Thoughts were racing and I realized I was avoiding feeling. I was afraid to go there... but then it just started happening. At first it was just a few tears running down my cheeks, but soon enough it turned into full on crying with my whole body. Shaking like crazy. I sat up and hugged him like I would hug a parent or an older brother. I kept crying and crying on his shoulder. The stuff just kept pouring out of me. He was holding space beautifully. Strong and immovable like a rock, but also gentle and comforting at the same time. I could not look into his eyes for too long. I felt a lot of shame. Not because I was crying in the middle of the beach, but because of what I have become. Because of how broken and lost I was. I kept thanking him, though I felt like that wasn't enough. I wanted to return the favour right away, but I had not much to give. I ended up buying him a meal and we sat some more by the sea. My heart was more at ease. He invited me back to his place and soon the girl joined us again. She was just super bubbly and so free... it kept reminding me of my ex real hard. I could not help it. The cute little noises and sighs she was making, the way she was being silly, the sound of her voice, the way she was dancing and jumping around... It was all way too similar. I shared that with the guy at some point and he said it's a gift for me from the Universe. Maybe that's so, but I cannot deny it kept triggering the crap out of me. Then again, it was also nice to have some feminine energy around. He and I talked for some time about nonduality/reality/consciousness. It was nice to finally have someone to talk to about all that stuff, face to face. But I felt like I was coming from this foggy, confused place and something wasn't quite clicking. I knew so much, yet I knew nothing at all. We then took a little trip to a beautiful spot in nature, above the city. The view was really quite something. There we did some grounding exercises to connect more with our bodies. I played some guitar, sang a bit, contemplated and meditated. But soon I kinda had enough of it all and started disconnecting again. I also noticed they were having some romantic issues and were not quite on the same page... so the energy dipped a bit towards the end of our trip. He opened up a bit to me about his worries regarding their relationship. I saw so much of my former self, my former life and story, in both of them. But I said not much. Did not want to project stuff onto them. When I got back home, I felt like I was feeling before. Like I'm not really where I want to be. Like I'm not doing what I really want to do. Like I'm out of place. I felt tired so I fell asleep quickly. Woke up from a dream in which I was having a threesome with two super hot girls lol. It was nice not to have a nightmare for a change. I'm still grieving, there's no way around it. It's written on my forehead, too. That's one of the first things the guy said he noticed around me. I'm still afraid, for no reason whatsoever. I crave closeness and connection, but I also want to hide from the world. I'm caught between this or that, left or right, here or there. Again. I wish I was more grateful. I wish I could trust myself again, have faith and clarity again. I wish I could feel good in my body, not trying to check out or hover above. I wish I was genuinely at peace, focused and centred. I wish I wasn't the way I am. There, I said it. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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