will of the heart

[ivankiss]

Exited with a smaller loss. First loss in this phase. There are good and bad losses. This is a good one. I can recover in one or max two trades.

 

Overall, I'm still green/in profit, big time. I see this as a lesson - a reminder to stop making stupid entries. 

 

Had I not sold on the support, this would've been a break-even trade, or a smaller profit. 

 

I'm still sell biased, I think the price will continue to go downward. But there are some nasty spikes going on these days, market is choppy as fuck and not going anywhere just yet. In any case, better safe than sorry. This was a bad trade/entry and I'm better out of the market.

 

Not opening a position until things get moving.

[ivankiss]

Fuuuck haha! I knew this would happen. As soon as I exited price dipped. I could have profited even with this 'bad trade'. Fucking hell man... It's not the first time this happened haha!

 

Oh well...It is what it is. Stuff like this happens every now and then. I guess I ran out of patience and was uncomfortable with the risk. My entry was still bad though... so yeah.

 

A funny little lesson.

[ivankiss]

Still falling... It not only would've been a profit, but a pretty damn big profit too. Yup... I F-ed myself in the A pretty hard there. 

 

It's one thing to lose when you're wrong, but it's so much more frustrating to lose when you're right but exit for whatever reason.

 

I'm definitely on track though. Even this loss can be taken as a confirmation of some sort.

[ivankiss]

Huge spike today, this might finally be a sign of a reversal. But it's going to take some time, I'm guessing.

 

Sold. Expecting a nice little retracement. And then I might start buying, if bullish trend starts.

 

Was feeling quite anxious today, pretty much all day. Remembered I had just a tiny bit of CBD left in my car, less than 0.3g I'd say, so I decided to smoke it after work. It kinda did the trick. It relaxed me. Still feeling a bit tense, but it's not as bad as before.

 

I doubt I'll ever go back to THC. I don't really like the psycho-activity of it. I just want something to help me chill out a bit after a long and stressful day, or when I'm too tense. Seems like CBD could be good for that. And I don't even have to smoke it. There are stores that sell gummies, cookies, lollipops, drinks... All kinds of stuff with CBD. 

 

I'm also glad that I kicked coffee. I know it was only making me more anxious. Not to mention caffeine crash. Alcohol also stinks to me, bad. I haven't had a single drink in months. And it's not like I'm actively avoiding it or anything. It's just that I don't feel attracted to it. Quite the opposite. CBD however, I started feeling some kind of an attraction today. I think I could include it into my lifestyle without worrying about any negative side effects. Will see...

 

All in all, I'm ok. Still rushing towards the end of this phase, in my mind. Still not quite sure where to go next... Hence all the anxiety. Cannot lie, I just want to get over with this already. I'd clearly rather be anywhere else than here. But I'm finishing what I started. No questions asked. Two more months left. 5 months already behind me. 

 

I don't have a life, like at all. I'm in like a waiting room right now, or a lab. I threw it all away last year when I decided to enter this transformation. I knew I had to sacrifice, just not how would it all play out and feel.

 

Your new life is going to cost you your old one - indeed.

[ivankiss]

Hear my thin voice
Hear my words fall down
See my ambitions fade out
Had so much better times

 

At night
Walking on the tracks
Change my perspective
Idle hands
With wounds and cracks
Still
Ineffective
But past the veil
The memories of things
Still so in love with you

 

So dense this strife
Kick the life
I feel this weight upon my heart

 

Indecision
Sow the seed
Aspiration is never within reach
At night there is no other view
Sing a song for the ones who never made it

 

In the ward
Under yellow lights
Under linden trees I am
Transparent
And led to believe
That things would change if I go away

 

The lowering sky under which we go

So dense this strife
Kick the life
I feel this weight upon my heart

 

Constant noise
Behind the overcoming
I had no choice but to rearrange
The scar is open
I am not allowed to understand
I take it as you're not coming back

[ivankiss]

Very interesting day...

 

Instead of going to the capital and hooking up, I decided to stay in the city, chill and catch up with my mother. We had a drink on the beach and it was actually very pleasant. We managed to talk nice and calm about all sorts of things. From health, family, relationships to finances. It was nice to be heard for once. I'm not used to her being a good listener, at all. But she kinda surprised me today.

 

She suggested something pretty big. Basically, she would move in with a guy she's been kinda seeing/dating for years now, as his mother has recently passed away and he's left with this huge empty house. Meanwhile, I'd take over her mortgage and move into her city apartment. There's like 4 years or so left till it's all paid off.

 

Very surprising news, to say the least. The offer is quite tempting. Within 4 years I'd have my own apartment, which is very cool. I could sell it later on, rent it out or whatever. Still, I'm not quite sure if I'll accept the offer. Something does not feel 100% right. Maybe it's my pride - not wanting to accept anything from my mother... Maybe it's that I don't want to be tied down here in Italy right now... I don't know. I definitely have to think about it for some time.

 

Very cool, nevertheless.

 

On another note; on my way there, I was in a super crowded bus and this very cute girl was leaning against me the whole time. It was so nice lol. Made me realize just how starved I am for physical affection. I love feeling the touch of another. And I've been without that for quite a long time now. Definitely missing that feminine presence. Cuddling, hugging, kissing... All that.

 

Being on the beach and seeing all those beautiful half naked girls was kinda difficult too. I'm craving female company so much, it's obvious. And the best part is, that I could surely meet a girl in no time and start dating, but for some reason I won't allow myself to do that. I don't feel ready. Like it's not time just yet. I feel like I must have everything sorted out first and then start meeting and dating people. Maybe I'm thinking the right way, maybe not. But that's where I'm at right now. 

 

Everything will change in two or three months, big time. I know it. Just don't know how exactly.

[ivankiss]

Haha! 

[ivankiss]

Sticking with mid split. It's cool.

 

 

[ivankiss]

You could raise the dead
With those terribly troublesome eyes
Maybe you'll always be bad
Maybe you'll always be the same

 

Are you alone, locked inside
That prison in your head?
You walk through the crowd
Lost in the sound
Invisible to every passing eye

 

This waking life is not what it seems to be
No time to talk, no air to breathe
Reminisce the scent of a single flower
What butchers cleave, the wolves devour
But if you consume it you will surely die
When you're buried with your tenderness
You'll take it to your solitary grave

 

Are you alone, locked inside
The prison of your mind?
You walk through the crowd
Lost in the sound
Invisible to every passing eye

 

Invisible to every passing eye

[ivankiss]

I want that feeling of leaving everything behind and starting new. And if I stay in Italy I don't see that happening. It might be illogical, or nonsensical, but I don't really want to accept my mother's offer. It simply doesn't feel right. Like it's not my story. Not my path. I feel like I should get out there, like I should be moving around and carve my own path. What my mother is offering seems very safe and nice, but it also seems quite boring, inauthentic and it might end up being a trap. A prison of some sort. It would not feel as an accomplishment of my own. I could not feel truly and honestly grateful for it.

 

If it was really the right choice for me, I'd know it in an instance. I wouldn't have to think about it so much. I'm leaning more towards no than yes, but let's wait things out and see what happens till October. Not deciding anything until then.

Edited July 25, 2022 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

What I want the most, besides being healthy and at peace, is to escape wage slavery once and for all.

 

Everything else would be easy to decide then. I'd simply live where I could afford to live comfortably. I could do what I love to do, and only that. I would not be so bitter and pissed off all the time.

 

I'm at my worst when I'm at my job, and I don't like seeing myself in that light. Besides it feeling awful within, it's also not pleasant for others to be around me - I imagine. 

 

These past few days were quite busy and stressful at work. I'm starting to hate it too much, yet again. Am I supposed to fake it and act as if it's great and I'm so happy about it? Am I supposed to lie to myself that it's all cool? I don't think so. It's not cool. It fucking sucks major ass. It's freakin' 38°c outside, inside it's 40+, and I'm basically running a mini marathon with plates on my hands, every day. Sweating like a pig. Memorizing hundreds of orders. Anxiety, stress, panic. Dealing with all kinds of characters. And of course, my personal favourite, listening to old drunk people's rambling. 

 

It's not cool, one bit. It's awful. I guess I kinda, sorta get it how and why this kind of work benefited me for a while, but I think there's really nothing more left to extract here, other than a salary that is enough to barely get me through the month. 

 

And it's not much better in other fields, either. As long as you work for someone else's pockets, it's going to suck. At least that's what I concluded.

 

I'm finding a way out of this madness, as soon as (in)humanly possible.

Edited July 25, 2022 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

I don't want to grind, I don't want to hustle, I don't want to be a sleazy salesman and sell crap to people, I don't want to influence, I don't  want to run a business, I don't want to be a criminal and I don't want to steal. There's gotta be another freakin' way to make some money. 

 

I invested a lot of time and effort in trading, but I'm still doubting it's going to work out as fast as I'd like it to work out. I may have to explore other options until then. I'm making it happen, I know I am, but goddamnit, I gotta do it fast. Because this surely is no way to live. It's a bad joke.

[ivankiss]

It's raining! 20°c outside! Oh thank God!

[ivankiss]

...And right back to 30+ degrees. Fuck...

 

It was short but sweet.

 

Clearly, living in places where summers are crazy hot and humid is not for me. I'm not vibing with that whole seaside lifestyle either. I don't know where just yet, but there's gotta be a place on this planet that will be perfect in that sense. I will find it, sooner or later. That's my vision anyways... Move around and explore until I get the sense that I could settle down somewhere. The only missing link is that steady online income. That's what will enable me to be free. 

 

I'm in no good condition to trade these days. Taking a short break, coming back to it refreshed and stronger.

[ivankiss]

Another idea that crossed my mind a few times is becoming an online English tutor. Even doing it in person while travelling could be cool. I can see myself doing that, yeah... Might have to get a license, but it's not a necessity.

 

Tutoring will not make me big money, I know that, but it might be just enough to quit working '9 to 5' and go remote. Will consider it more seriously and do some deeper research. In combination with trading and music, it could work out very well.

Edited July 26, 2022 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

Adding another option to my list of possibilities after summertime. And that is, going back to my hometown in Serbia. Why? It's super cheap and I could buy myself quite some time and space, to calm down, unwind, reconsider things and start the next chapter at peace. I know a guy, who knows a guy, who could teach me a thing or two regarding freelance n stuff. I could spend some quality chill time with friends that I haven't seen in years. I could dive even deeper and maybe clear more stuff from my childhood. I could hook up with pretty girls I know, and don't know. Etc... Quite a few benefits. 

 

So yeah, 5 options as of now. All of which resonate to some extent, but none of which feel like an absolute yes (just yet).

 

- Amsterdam

- Italy 

- Asia

- Maribor 

- Serbia

[ivankiss]

Another busy day at work, but somehow I managed to flip things over and kinda, sorta enjoy myself. I was more extroverted today, I was whistling and singing here and there. Got along with costumers. It was cool.

 

I know the whole 'it's only a matter of your perspective' thing, and that I decide how I feel and think about stuff, but honestly, sometimes it just feels better to let it all out, be pissed and rant. It feels right, even though it feels awful at the same time. Kinda twisted but what can ya do.

 

Still determined to stop working for others asap, but I guess until then, it's better if I accept it and try to feel as good as possible at work. I have no other choice right now. Or so it seems.

 

Regarding music... I'm kinda jumping back and forth between several different styles in mind and cannot truly commit to any. I feel like I'm best at making the kind of music that I don't resonate with anymore, that much. I still like the style, but it also feels like there's something missing. Like I cannot put my whole heart into it and fully express myself. It's great at showing off my skills, my 'talent', my writing capabilities, etc. But I don't feel the soul of it. It's too pattern based, too calculated and mechanical. Not floating and swaying. Not breaking outside of its own box.

 

I've been here before, quite a few times, and I know it's natural. Especially because music is such an intimate and pure thing to me. It only makes sense that I cannot really convey what I want while I'm in the middle of my greatest transformation yet. Everything is so uncertain and undefined. I feel exactly like I'm in between two radio stations. Sometimes I can hear a little bit of both, and it's quite maddening. Other times I don't hear either one, it's just static. But I'm not landing on a clear frequency just yet.

 

Anyhow, next week I'm getting my paycheck, so I'm going to buy two very crucial VSTs. Epic drums and monstrous bass. Thunder and lighting. With those I'll be able to start recording seriously. What will I record, is still a question mark, but record I will. Thankfully, I've got quite some material written down. And maybe even something entirely new comes out. Will see...

 

I'm at peace at the moment. Got that 'being the calm appreciating the chaos' kind of vibe. It's nice. I feel more and more love towards myself, the things I do, the way I think, etc. I think I'm starting to truly and honestly appreciate the beauty of who I am. It feels real. Not too loud, not too shy or timid. It's just right. 

 

Maybe I'm slowly discovering true worthiness.

[ivankiss]

Still I feel the pain from that day
When you stepped in to take my dreams away
The stage was set for what would be my night
But you called time and threw my fight

Still I'm yearning
To claim back what's mine
Still I'm clinging
To dreams that won't die
Still I'm dreaming
Of one more chance
But you still tell me
My time has passed

Give me back my right
To prove that I can fight
Let me show them all
Tonight can be my night

You'll never know
The lengths to which I will crawl
'Cause tonight is my night
You will not tear down my wall

Still you think
That it's ok
For you to state
The rules of play
But if you could know
The lengths to which I'd crawl
To reclaim my pride
And break down your wall

Still I'm yearning
To claim back what's mine
Still I'm clinging
To dreams that won't die
Still I'm dreaming
Of one more chance
But you still tell me
My time has passed

Give me back my right
To prove that I can fight
Let me show them all
Tonight will be my night

I wish I could have been somebody

Just as a bird was meant to fly
Unbind these wings or let me die

Give me back my right
To prove that I can fight
Let me show them all
Tonight this is my night

[ivankiss]

Wow... Tears... It's been a while.

[ivankiss]

Went to the capital and hooked up. It was short but very sweet. Of course I want more now, nothing new there, but I ain't complaining too much. It was really good, definitely needed it. Did not struggle with any performance anxiety this time around. I was rock hard the whole time. Smoked about 0.5g of CBD beforehand.

 

Back to the coast.